Complicated

by Clara

Disclaimer: All characters are Joss’

Summary: Buffy’s thoughts after the whole Riley/Sam thing

Pairings: Buffy/Riley, Riley/Sam

Authors notes: It looks like I like Riley again. After deciding this wasn’t the best Buffy fic to go out on, I’m gonna finish Torn apart. (Just for future reference)

Dedication: This is for all the people who have read my Buffy fanfic over the past 3, nearly 4, years I’ve been writing for the show. I’m so glad that you liked it

***

He’s married. God, I never expected to see him again especially with a wife.

My life is a mess. I’m barely keeping my head above the water and seeing him again has made me realise just what I’m missing in my life.

A guy who’s actually alive and loves me unconditionally with no hidden agenda, I miss that… Along with none stinking hair and a life away from the slayage where the only thing I had to worry about was not flunking math, seems like an age ago.  I want it back, along with everything else I’ve lost over the past year and a half, my mom, my college life, Giles… and Riley.

It’s funny, I spend so much time hung up on Angel on how I feel…felt for him. That sometimes Riley doesn’t factor in, but truth is Riley was special. He’s was the first normal guy I could love and who could know, and love, the whole me.

He’s so happy though. I don’t begrudge him that and Sam is wonderful. I tired to hate her, I really did, but how can you hate someone so nice and who makes the man you loved so happy?

You know, at times I think I’m cursed. Every man I’ve loved in any way leaves me. My father, Angel, Riley, Giles. And it hurts. Makes you wonder if there’s something wrong with you, or if you’re priorities are screwed up. And the truth is I have no idea what to do, how to move on.

At times I feel so empty and alone, I know that I have my friends and Dawn around and that makes me feel a little better, I know that I’ll never die alone as long as I have them, I guess that’s the one thing that scares me the most, dieing alone. I don’t know how past slayers have managed, I don’t think I could do this job without Will and Xander there to back me up, probably have died that first year and not come back.

I think seeing my friends in happy relationships does help a bit, you know? Willow has Tara, Xander has Anya but at times it just doesn’t stop you feeling like a fifth wheel.

***