Answer
By Lucy Maria Elmer

Category: Angst, grief, romance, death, drama, Sam’s POV.
Pairing: Sam/Janet.
Spoilers: Singularity, Meridian, Rites of Passage and major spoilers from Heroes!
Rating: PG-13 (I think).

I saw her afterwards, when we came back to the base.  I must have sat with her for an hour saying goodbye to her, holding her small hand in my own as I tried to come to terms with how cold it was and with what had happened just a few hours before.  It was so surreal seeing her lying there.  She was so still.  So peaceful. She was always so full of life that to see her unmoving made it all so real to me.  It truly made it hit home to me that I'd never see the little bundle of energy that was once my best friend, and my lover alive again.

I wanted to say goodbye that way. Quietly.  Just us.  I knew it would be hard to see her so lifeless but I needed to do it.  There was so much I needed to say that I couldn’t say at any memorial.  So much that could only be shared with her.  And so I sat there, her hand in my own and I opened my heart to her.  I told her how much I loved her.  How brave she had been.  How courageous she was and how proud I was of her.  I told her how empty I feel now.  I told her I’d never love anyone in my life as much as I always would her and I told her how thankful I feel to have been blessed with her in my life. I cried because it looked like she was just peacefully sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up and I just sat there not able to bring myself to say the final goodbye and unable to tear my hand away from hers.
 

We’d been a couple for over two years. No one on the base knew except for Daniel. We had to tell him because he thought the world of Janet.  He loved her and we felt it only fair that he knew we were together.  We were so scared of telling him about us, but he was great about it.  Really great, and so supportive.  He never told anyone about our relationship even though sometimes I wanted the whole world to know how much I loved her.  

In a way I’m glad that he was there during her last seconds of life because I know that she had someone who loved her almost as much as I did there with her when it mattered. During the last precious moments she was alive.   At times though I have wished so hard that it was me there with her and that I could have held her as she slipped away.  But of course that couldn’t have happened.  Our relationship was against regulations and no one except for Daniel had any idea.  That breaks my heart.

I’ve wanted to scream so loud because the pain of losing her is so bad. I’ve wanted to tell the whole world how empty I feel without her and how empty my world is now she’s gone.  I’ve wanted to tell everyone how I felt whole every time I held her at night for the last two years and every single day we were together but I’ve had to keep it all inside.  Sure I can show some emotion, to everyone else she was my best friend and it’s understandable that I’m upset because of that, but no one knows the real reason.  No one could possibly know the extent of the loss that I feel.  No one can even come close to knowing because I can’t share it with them. 

I want so much to share everything.  I want so much to tell everyone that she was my girl and how happy she made my every day.  I want so much to tell everyone how the two years we’d been together were the most wonderful two years of my life.  I want so much to tell everyone that every time I kissed her was like the first time and how whenever I saw her beautiful face I got butterflies in my stomach because I knew she was mine forever and always. 

Of course there are some moments I want to keep to myself.  Some that I want to hold in my heart and treasure forever. Memories that are mine alone.  These are the memories of the private moments we shared.  Memories of how I watched her sleep so many nights, unable to drift off myself because the sight of that angelic face beside me, so deep in sleep was so fascinating to me. Memories of how she used to hold me after a hard day at work and soothe any unshed tears away. Memories of how it felt to have her lay beside me and kiss me and say ‘I love you’ every night before she closed her eyes, in fear that something would happen that would take us away from each other and we wouldn't be able to say it again.  There are so many memories that I will hold so dear.  Every memory I have with her in actual fact, but thinking back to those times makes me so sad, because now I know they are just memories and none of those moments will ever happen again.

I took Cass to see her a little while after I did.  She wanted a chance to say goodbye too.  Janet had taken care of her for much of her young life.  Through the hard teenage years she had put up with the typical tears and tantrums and they had formed such a strong bond between them that it was beautiful to see their interaction together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Cass’ face.  She had already lost one mother on her home world and now she had lost another. A doting mother who would do anything for her.  She was heartbroken, and there's not one thing I can do to fix the beautiful heart that belongs to the young woman Janet raised as I can’t even begin to fix my own.

I’ve watched that little girl blossom into a young woman so caring and compassionate.  She may not have been Janet’s biological daughter but there's so much of Janet in her.  I suppose in a way Janet will live on in Cassie, if not in blood then in her heart. 

She was such a good mother.  Seeing her when Cass was so sick because of Nurrtis experiment was so hard for me.  She was in pieces. I don’t know how she coped if I’m honest, I’m not sure I would have done in her situation especially when Cassandra seemed to be doubting the role Janet had been playing in her life but they got through it. We all got through it, and it made us stronger. It made us a family.

That event was what brought us together.  You could say Cassie was the catalyst for us becoming a couple from the very moment she had arrived in our lives.  I had always been attracted to Janet since the very first moment I saw her.  There was always something about her that drew me to her. She had this quality that immediately endeared her to the people around her.  This beautiful, shy vulnerability that just enveloped you when you were around her and made you want to take care of her forever, but I never acted on my feelings.  I’m a military Officer and she was too and I didn’t want to jeopardise anything, our career or our friendship.  And then Cassie came along.  I bonded with Cass from the start.  It was SG1 that found her and Daniel and myself that spent time with her while she was on the base.  Then when she got sick because of that bomb in her chest, something so cruel and wrong, it was Janet and I that bonded with her, and each other. 

When it was decided Cass would stay on Earth Janet immediately took her in. To start off with I was a bit jealous if I’m honest because I love that little girl like she was my own and I didn’t like the idea of anyone else taking care of her.  I think Janet sensed this and so let me see Cass whenever I could and it was then that I realised just how much I loved spending time with both my girls.

Seeing Janet from when she first had Cassie, when she struggled a little to find her feet even though she was a totally natural mother, to when she became the devoted adoptive mother that she had been at the time of her passing was like watching a wonderful journey.  I was always so proud of her and I have never been prouder than when I found out she was going to adopt Cass as her own.  It was never easy for them.  Cass had so much grief and fear when she came into our lives, but Janet helped her through that.  Now its my turn to help Cass through the grief that's so heavily weighing her down right now even though I can barely deal with my own.

Because of the time I spent with Janet and Cass we got ever closer and ultimately it wasn’t just Cassandra's company I visited for.  I loved everything about Janet.  All of her little habits, the expressions she pulled, the way her nose scrunched up when she laughed and her eyes shone when she smiled, all of the different facets of her personality. The way she looked so young and innocent when she cried and how my heart psychically ached whenever she was upset. 

It was her upset that brought us together when Cass was ill.  I had found her crying, just after Daniel had been trying to comfort her in the hall.  Everything had taken its toll and I had never seen her looking so lost.  All she had to say was ‘I need you’ and that was it.  That was the moment we became a couple, just because of those words, and from that moment on she was my priority.  Both she and Cass were. 

Janet had given me one thing I always wanted.  A family.  Maybe not a conventional one in a lot of peoples opinions, but a loving one.  Love was something our little family never lacked, and even Cass who had been trying so hard to fit in because of her origins not being on Earth had no qualms about Janet and I being a couple.  She just wanted her mother to be happy and said she couldn’t think of anyone better than me to be the person to make their family complete.   Now our family’s been torn to pieces. The heart of it has gone forever and it’s really starting to hit me just how big a hole has been left in the hearts of our daughter and me.

How can I not find the words inside me to do this? I want so much to say something profound and meaningful but there are no words.  How can you describe to people your love for a person?  The unconditional undying love that you’ll always feel for them whether they’re here or not, if society won’t accept it? If the place where you work won’t accept it?  There’s so much I can’t say because of regulations and that makes this so hard for me.  I feel as though I should be saying all the things a lover would in tribute to the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their days with, but here I’m not able.  I will another time, in a private ceremony, but at the moment it feels as though I’m disrespecting our love somehow and I have to suffer with so much of this torture in silence because I can‘t share it with anyone.  I don’t want to worry Cass when she’s grieving and I’m so worried about Daniel.

I know she’d understand why I can’t say everything I’d like to right now but it doesn’t make it any easier on me.  Nothing can make any of this any easier.  All I want is for her to walk in that door with her sweet little smile and hold me and never let me go.  Instead I sit here cold, crying and alone.

I hear a noise at the door and for a moment I think that it’s her.  Then when I realise it could never be her again the tears fall harder. Teal’c, the stoic warrior enters but I can immediately tell that this loss has really affected him too.  He’s not inclined to show his emotions in front of us and for that I’m glad in a way because to see the big strong warrior I consider as a protector and brother break down would really make me lose it.  After working with him for the past seven years though I know that inside he is probably falling apart just as much of the rest of us are.

I’ve never met anyone who respected Janet as much as he did.  Anyone who would jump to her defence as quickly as he would.  He’d do it in a heartbeat and I’m so grateful that I’ve had the man I consider a brother keeping an eye out for the woman I love since his arrival on Earth.  It means so much to me now to know that so many people loved her, respected her and did their utmost to protect her even if she didn’t always need protecting.  Looking back on it now it seems as though our family was a lot bigger than either of us could ever imagine.  I just wish she could have known before she left us what a profound effect she had on so many lives.

You could never meet two people more different than Janet and Teal’c, but the quiet respect they both shared for each other was apparent every time they spoke to or about each other, and in his eyes now I see the sadness that I see in so many others.  The sadness that I see magnified in my own eyes and Cassandra's...and Daniels.    He’s finding it hard to come up with an answer as to why one of our angels has been taken away from us. Someone so needed and who had done so much in her short life for other people.  A Doctor, a military officer, a lover, a mother and a dear, dear friend.  But then isn’t that an answer that everyone looks for when someone who they love and care about passes on? The answer that can never be found?  The one that eludes us? We can never find an answer as to why people are taken away from us no matter how hard we try.  We can never find a reason.  What reason would anyone have to take away one of earth’s own angels who worked every day to heal the sick and saved so many lives?  Who was held in the hearts of so many and always will be?

It’s believed by some that everyone has their time to go and that it’s all part of a big plan. Part of a big unsolved puzzle.  It’s believed that we all have a set amount of time in this world and then when it’s time for us to leave we leave.  I don’t know whether I believe that or not.  It makes me wonder though, what my purpose is, and that if that is indeed true why did someone who had so big a purpose and who saved the lives of others every day go before I did? Surely it should have been the other way round? Surely I should have gone first?  Surely such a beautiful person in heart, soul and body should have had more years of her life left? There’s never any sense in life really though is there? Or in death.  All we can do now is thank god that we were lucky enough to have been blessed with her in our lives.  Because that was what she was, a blessing and if it was her chosen time to leave us at least she did it trying to save a life, trying to do something she was good at At least she was surrounded by people that loved her, even if we couldn’t all be at her side as she drifted away.  At least we’d had the pleasure of being the people Janet chose to be her friends, her family and her lover. I only hope she knows wherever she is now how grateful we are for that pleasure.

As Teal’c leaves after a tender and protective embrace I make my way out of the base and into the cool air outside.  I need to pick up Cass.  The tears still fall as I make my way to the car.  They haven’t stopped falling in days and I can’t see any end to the sadness that has enveloped my being.  I’m not even sure how I’m going to see to drive to school to pick Cassie up.  All I keep doing in the car is looking at the empty seat beside mine and thinking how my soul mate will never be the one to fill it again. How I’ll never have her sitting there singing along to the radio or sleeping peacefully as we drive home after a hard day at work.  She had such a bubbly personality that it seems infinitely quiet now without her.  I keep expecting to turn around and see her there smiling at me as I drive or as I walk around the base, and as I tuck Cassie in at night like Janet and I did every night even though Cass is in her late teens now.  I just don’t know how to carry on without her.  I don’t know if I want to.

~*~*~*

I sit outside the school and wait for Cass.  I told her she could have some time off if she wanted but she’s stubborn, a lot like her mother.  No matter how much pain she’s in she wants to try and carry on like everything's normal.  She wants to keep going.  She wants to do the things that she’s done every day of her life to try and keep her mind off the emotion that's raging inside of her.  She seems to be holding it together better than me.  But it shouldn’t be that way should it? It should be the other way around.  I should be the one being strong for her sake, not her for mine.  But then she was raised by one of the strongest people I know and I know she's hiding it all for my benefit.  Janet used to do the same thing. 

My two girls have always known me better than anyone, and when they could sense my heart was heavy they always let me lower my guard.  They always made me comfortable enough to let down the walls I put up at work and have been strong and supportive when I’ve needed it most, but I don’t want Cass to feel like she has to be strong at the moment.  I don’t want her to feel like she has to be strong for my sake and for her to bottle everything up for fear of upsetting me more.  I want her to be able to openly grieve. I want her to be able to feel like she can open up about Janet in front of me because I understand what she’s going through.  I understand the loss she’s feeling.  Her mother was the most special person in both of our lives and I want us to be able to share that. 

It’s tearing me apart that she's retreating into herself because she’s worried about me. What kind of mother does it make me if she can‘t come to me when she‘s grieving? Is that what I am now? Her mother? I’ve always been a bit unsure as to what I was to Cass.  Janet was always her mom.  Nothing in the world could change that.  I never wanted to change it.  It was the way that things were meant to be and I would never ever be able to take Janet's place in Cassie’s heart.  I’d never want to.  But what do I do now? I’m so incredibly lost.  Janet and I have lived together for the two years we’ve been together and we raised Cass between us both those years, Janet as her devoted mother and me...

What do I do?  I don’t know what to do here!  All I want is to talk to her.  To ask her what to do. To let her know that I miss her so much that I can hardly breathe without her.   All I want is her.

Cassie appears out of the school gates, her friends looking unsure of what to say to her.  Quietly she walks to the car and I can tell she’s been fighting back the tears.  Her face is pale but her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are red and puffy. She pulls open the door to the back of the car and climbs in quietly not saying a word.  Our poor little girl’s broken hearted and I don’t even know where to begin to try and make her heart start to heal.

“That’s moms seat.” She says simply in explanation as I look at her get in the back.

 I nod and pull away.

Much of the car journey’s spent in silence.  I wait to see if Cass wants to reach out to me in some way.  I wait to see if she cries. I wait for any sign of how she's feeling but she’s not giving me one.  She’s simply sitting there staring out of the window vacantly, a single tear falling from her eyes and rolling down her cheek.  Tears begin to well up in my eyes again too.  How many tears can you cry for the person you’ve loved and lost?  An eternity it seems.

“It hurts doesn’t it?” I comment as we get stuck in traffic, trying to get any kind of reaction from the teenager in the back.

She continues to sit silently, watching as the cars pass ours but not really seeing.
 

“Everyone sends their love.” I tell her.  “General Hammond, Jack, Daniel, even Teal’c.” I add, once again looking for a reaction and not getting one.

I turn to Janet's seat as if in hope that she’ll magically appear and tell me that it was all a dream and that everything’s going to be okay.  When Cass was upset like this after school Janet always had something to say that would lighten her mood and make her open up.  They knew each other so well it was just natural. Janet had such a way with her.  But I can't think of a thing to say and I know no amount of wishing is going to make Janet appear and for everything to be all right again.

Sadly I turn back to the road and before I know it we’re home and still Cass has still said nothing.  I turn off the ignition after we pull into the drive and neither of us move. We just sit there unable to bring ourselves to go into the house without her in it.

“It’s not the same without her. There’s so much of her in there but she’s not.” Cassandra says simply looking at the house in front of us.

I nod and clumsily climb from the front seat to join her in the back.

“I don’t know what to do here Cass.” I admit sadly.  “Your mother was always the wise one.  I’m not too good at the emotional stuff.   I’m trying so hard to be strong for you but I’m just finding it really hard kiddo.  I miss her so much and I’m so sorry if you feel you can’t open up to me about this because I‘m so upset.” I then tell her.

“My mothers dead! Maybe I don’t want to open up about it!  Maybe I just want to get on with things. Maybe I don‘t want to think about her not being here all the time like you are.  That's why you‘re so upset.” Cassie replies angrily.

“Sweetheart I know this hurts.  I lost my mother too when I was a little younger than you are now.” I tell her.

“Yeah well I’ve lost two.” Cassandra snapped.  “How can you possibly have any idea how this feels?”

“Because I loved your mother Cassie, just like you did.” I reply finding this conversation extremely difficult.

“You loved her? Don’t you love her now?” The youngster asked angrily.  “Because I sure as hell haven’t stopped just because she's dead.” 

My heart breaks when Cassie says that.  It shatters into a million different pieces and I struggle to stay composed.

“Of course I love her.  How dare you say that?” I reply unable to keep the anger from my voice.  “I loved your mother ever day of her life, and I’m still going to love her every day she’s not here. There isn’t anything that can stop me from feeling the way I do about her.  Not even death.” I reply.

Cassie looks at me shocked.  I don’t think she’s ever seen me angry with her before.  I didn’t really mean to be then, but she’s seen Janet and I together for the past seven years, how can she even question my love for her? My love for Janet and Cassie has been the most constant thing in my life.

“I just...I don’t want you to forget about her.” She tells me softly. “ She was so special.  She was so brave and I don’t want us to forget how we felt about her while she was alive.  Why did she die Sam? Why couldn’t any of you save her?  She said she’d never leave me...” Cassie whispers to me starting to break.

I put my hand over Cassie’s and squeeze it reassuringly.

“Cassie honey Janet never wanted to leave you but from what Daniel’s told me...Sweetie she was gone as soon as that staff blast hit her.  She didn’t even have a chance to fight for her life. It was stolen away from her just like that.  There wasn’t one of us who could have saved her.  Believe me if there was Daniel would have tried to do it.  He was there Cass.  Can you even imagine what he must be feeling?” I ask her thinking of how haunted he’s been and how he’s been shutting himself away more and more as the hours pass.

 Cassandra shook her head.

“If I could have brought your mother back I would have.  If I could have swapped places with her I would have believe me.  You and your mother are the most important people in my life.  You have no idea how much I love the both of you sweetheart but I do so much.  And we’ll never forget her Cass.  There’s no way I could forget her or how I feel about her.  She was everything to me, and as for you forgetting her sweetheart you are so much like her.  If you ever feel like her memories drifting away from you, you just need to look into your heart because that's where she is now.  She’s in the hearts of so many people.” I tell her honestly knowing just how very true it was.

“I didn’t mean to say what I did.  I know you’re trying, I do. I’m just so scared of upsetting you more that's all.  I don’t want to lose you too.” Cassie reveals.

“Is that what you think? That you’re going to lose me?” I ask her sadly.

“You don’t have mom anymore.  What if I’m not enough to live for?” She asks me timidly.

I take the young woman into my arms and hold her tightly, rocking her gently as I hold her.

“Cassie no matter what you’re our little girl.  Nothings going to change that and nothing’s going to make me leave you.  You understand that with the SGC something could happen to me too?”

Cassie nods.

“Good.  But I would never leave you willingly and your mom wouldn’t have wanted to either. I want you to remember that okay?” I ask her quietly.  “ And as for you being scared of upsetting me more, Cass I never, ever want you to think that you can’t grieve for your mother in front of me.  I don’t ever want you to think that you have to hide it from me or do it alone.  Yes thinking about her not being here upsets me and there are always constant reminders that she's not coming back...and yes its hard, we both know that, but I can't do this alone sweetheart and you don’t have to either.”  I reassure her.

“Do you think mom was brave?” Cassandra asks me softly playing with a loose bit of cotton on the car seat.

I nod, tears welling in my eyes.

“Your mother was one of the bravest people I have ever been blessed enough to meet.” I reply, glad that the young woman is opening up.

“I’m so proud of her.  Really proud.  I wish she knew how proud I was of her every day before...I wish she knew how much I loved her.” Cassandra told me bursting into tears.

“Honey of course she knew. She still knows.”  I reply, remembering how proud Janet was of the young woman Cass had grown into and how she spoke so lovingly about her every day, teenage tantrums or not.

“How do you know? Sam I could be so nasty to her.” She tells me regretfully.

“Because she’s your mother.” I reply simply kissing Cass on the forehead. “And a mother just knows.  Besides I‘ve been here when you two have had disagreements.  I‘ve had them with you too remember.”

Cassie smiles sheepishly through the tears reminding me a little of Jack.

“And I never stopped loving you, so I know your mother wouldn’t either. There is absolutely nothing in this world or beyond that could stop her from adoring you.  You were the best thing that happened to her.” I tell Cassandra stroking her long hair away from her cheeks, which are so wet with tears.

“No, we were.” Cassie replies resting her head on my shoulder.
 

I smile softly.

“Don’t push me away Cass.  She wouldn’t want that.” I tell the young woman kissing her on top of her head.

“I don’t want it either and I want you to know that she loved you so much.” Cassie tells me tearfully.  “And I want you to know that I am so proud of you too.  And that I love you and I’m going to tell you that every day so if something happens and you have to leave me to be with my mom in heaven.... Then you'll know how proud I was to have you in my life.” Cassie tells me her body shaking with sobs, mine then joining hers as we cried with pain from the loss of the sweetest woman we had ever known.

“I miss her so much.” Cassie whispers to me tearfully.

“Me too sweetheart.  Me too.” I reply truthfully as the rain began to fall outside and the skies turned grey.

~*~*~*~*~*
 

I sit in the lounge, a photo of Janet Cass and me in my lap.  It’s been two hours since we arrived home and Cass went for a lay down a little while ago, tired from all the tears.    I meanwhile am left with wrapped herself up in, and then both of us when we watched a movie just a few nights ago is still laying on the arm of the sofa. One of her jackets is hanging up on the back of a chair where she left it after a day out and the book she was reading is still on the table with the page she had reached carefully folded over, a book never to be finished.  A story stuck in limbo. Cut off in the middle.  Cut off like the life of the person reading it.

I look down at the photo I‘ve been staring at for what must have been at least an hour.  Janet looks so adorable in it. She has the cheekiest grin on her sweet face and she looks so happy.  She had no idea that just a few weeks later she’d be taken away from us.  Her life cruelly cut short by an enemy we’ve been fighting for what seems like forever. She was blissfully unaware of the torment her loved ones would be going through in four short weeks because it had come her time to leave us. She had no idea she was approaching the end of her days.

What would she have done if she had known I wonder? Would she have done things any different? Would she have avoided going to that planet and be here sitting with me now? But then I realise she probably wouldn’t have avoided it at all, even if it was to ultimately cost her, her life.  Even if she knew that was what was going to happen.   Saving lives was her job and she had been needed off world that day.  She would have gone no matter what because it was what she did.  Because she was brave and caring and dedicated and she lived her life to help others no matter the cost to her personally.  There wasn’t anything that would have stopped me losing her.

The photo I’m holding is the most recent photo we’d had taken.  One of me, Jan and Cass on a day out at the park. I’m sitting by the lake, Janet’s sitting between my legs with her back resting against my chest enveloped in my arms, and Cass is sitting in the same position in front of her, wrapped in her mothers arms. I realise that it’s the last family photo we’ll ever have taken.  I then remember the cheeky smile Janet had plastered across her face was because Daniel, who had come with us, had fallen into the lake a few minutes previously and had taken the photo dripping wet from head to toe.

I smile as I look at the happiness that radiated from her in that photo.  The happiness which always radiated from her and proved infectious to anyone around her.  She was so beautiful when she smiled.  She was so beautiful every day, but this photo...this showed the natural beauty that she was so blessed to have.  The beauty that I fell in love with and every man on the base was charmed by.  A beauty that could never be rivalled in my eyes, Cassie’s or probably even Daniels. 

I can’t believe there aren’t going to be any more moments like that.  Any more family outings.  Any more days where we were just so glad to be in each others company that it didn’t matter what we did as long as were together, either as a couple or our family.  I can’t believe I’m never going to hold that smiling, happy, loving person in my arms like that again, so proud to have her as a lover and soul mate.
 
More tears quickly replaced the smile that had appeared on my face as I remembered that day.  I carefully trace the outline of her face in the picture with my finger, kissing my finger gently and then placing it on her lips.  She really is gone isn’t she?

Placing the photo gently on the table in front of me and smiling at Janet's face on it I get up and walk over to the chair where she had placed her jacket before all this happened.  I pick it up and hold it up to my face.  I can still smell the scent of her perfume on it.  I breathe it in deeply, comforted for a moment before realising this soon would fade too, and again I cry because I’ll never smell that sweet scent on her again.  I’ll never be able to hold her again.  

Things like this are the only reminders I have of her now.  The only physical reminders that she was here and part of our lives.  A jacket thrown over a chair, a book half read, a perfume bottle with the cap off it, a pair of jeans discarded on the floor, a photo album open after we had been looking through it, a necklace she’d given me a few days before she’d been fatally wounded, a ring I’d bought her that I found on her bedside table now on a chain around my neck.  

I would never ever forget her, but I realise as I think of these things that I will never see her doing the things she had loved around the house again.   I don’t think the house has ever been as quiet as it is now. She filled it with something that could never be replaced. 

Realising that I haven’t heard any noise from Cass I decide to go upstairs and check on her to make sure she‘s all right.  I go into the kitchen first and splash some cold water over my tear stained face, not wanting to worry her after she had just opened up to me for the first time since Janet's passing.  As I’m walking out I look at all the photos on the refrigerator of me and Jan, or me, Jan and Cass, or Daniel and Cass, or Daniel, Janet and me, or other members of the SGC Jan had been friends with, and I realise just how many lives my girl had touched.  I smile despite my sadness.  Like Cassie, I realise I’m so proud.

I climb the stairs quietly not wanting to wake our daughter if she's asleep.  She’s had some nightmares during these last few days and I don’t want to disturb her if she’s sleeping peacefully now.  I’ve been having nightmares too and so has Daniel.  His have got so bad I think he’s avoiding sleeping and I’m so worried about him.  He won’t talk about them but I can tell they‘re affecting him quite badly.  I think he’s convinced I can’t handle hearing about them because what happened keeps playing over and over in his mind and he can barely handle it himself.  He’s probably right.  I don’t think I could bear it.  Cassie has been talking about her nightmares though and I’m doing anything I can to comfort her.  I think my maternal instincts are really now starting to kick in.

I knock on Cass’ door and peep my head around it, and then panic when I see the bed still made and that she’s not there.  I rub my eyes tiredly and pray she hasn’t gone out upset like she was earlier. I want her where I can keep an eye on her, not out god knows where while she’s grieving for such a big loss in her young life. 

I see a light on in Janet’s room and mine. Just my room now I think sadly, and I open the door to see Cassie lying on her mothers side of the bed, her face buried in the pillow, crying softly.

My heart aches when I see the pain on her young face and I walk over to the bed and sit down at her side.  I rub her back.
 

“It’s okay sweetheart.” I whisper soothingly.  “You cry okay? You let it out.” I tell her leaning down and kissing her cheek.

“It still smells of her.” She whispers sadly to me through the tears.

“I know.  I’ve been sleeping on this side ever since.... It makes me feel closer to her. I‘m clinging on to any part of her I have left.” I tell Cassandra quietly.
 

“You don’t think I’m being stupid?” She asks me sounding a lot younger than she is.  “Last night I smelt the bottle of shampoo she used because it reminded me of her.  It made me feel like she was here again.” She tells me blushing a little.

“Of course you’re not being stupid sweetie.  I actually did the same. ” I whisper to her, seeing a small smile appear on her pretty face. .  “She was your mom Cass.”

“She was a good mom.” Cassie tells me wiping her eyes and propping herself up with her elbows.

“She was.” I reply nodding.  “She was a natural.”

“I used to come in here when I was little, when I had nightmares about Hanka. She always tucked me up in here, went downstairs and got me a glass of milk and a cookie and then read to me until I fell asleep in her arms.”

 I smile.  That was my Janet.

 “She made this my home Sam.  She was my home. No matter how difficult I
was being or how frightened I was she did everything she could to make
sure I had a happy life her and I loved her every day because of it.”
Cass tells me sincerely.  “I so wish I was little again, and that she
was here holding me and this was all a dream.”

 “I think we all wish it were a dream.” I reply climbing up onto the bed
next to Cass who rests her head on my chest.  “She was my home too.” I
add.  “She had a way of making every day special.”

 Cassie smiles.

“I don’t think there was a day that went by when this house wasn’t filled with laughter because of mom.”

“Until now.” I whisper softly.

Cassie nods.

“It’s going to be lonely without her isn’t it Sam?”  She asks me. “The house just seems so big and empty now.”

“It is going to be lonely but we have to go on Cass.  As hard as it is to do we have to keep going.  That’s what she’d want.  I bet if she’s up there right now it’s so difficult for her to see us all like this.” I tell the young woman knowing how much Janet hated to see either of her girls struggling and betting if there was a heaven and she was in it that she would do anything she could to come down and soothe us if she was able.

“What’s going to happen to me now?” Cassandra asks me sounding a little frightened.

“What do you mean?” I ask her frowning.

“Janet adopted me.  She was my mom and I know you’re like...am I...I mean...Are you...”

“Cass you’re our little girl and I love you.  Even though you’re not biologically mine or Janet's you’ve always been considered as ours by the both of us.  We’ll figure something out ok sweetie? But I promise you I’m not going to abandon you.  I’m going to do my best to care of you now okay? We’re just going to have to figure out what to do when I’m off world for a long period of time.”

 Cass nodded.

“I don’t know if I’ll be any good though Cassie and I can’t say I’ll always know what I’m doing...I don’t even know if I’m doing the right things now.” I tell her tearfully.

“You’re doing good Sam.” She reassures me.  “Mom would be so proud.” She adds making me lose it all together.

As we both cry in mourning I spot something on the dressing table Jan used to sit at when she was getting ready for bed.  I carefully move from where I’m holding Cass and get up off the bed.
 
 “Sam?” She asks.  “What’s the matter?” I walk over to the dressing table and find some envelopes each with names on the front in Janet's tiny handwriting.  There’s one for Cass and me and one for Daniel. Tearfully I make my way over to the bed and show her the envelope addressed to us.

 “That’s moms writing.” She comments running a finger over it.  “What do you think it is?” She asks.

“A couple of weeks ago she had a bad dream and as much as I tried to comfort her I couldn’t.  She never would tell me what the dream was about but she sat up afterwards writing something.  It must have been these. I’d forgotten all about it until I saw them just then.” I tell her remembering how I’d woken up that night to Janet sobbing in her sleep, then waking up adamant there was something she had to do before she could go back to sleep again.  I had never been as scared for her in my life as I was when I saw her like that.  Not until now.

“Who’s the other one for?” Cassie asks me curiously.

“It’s for Daniel.” I reply unable to tear myself away from Janet’s writing.

“Do you think we should phone him?” She asks.  “He should know mom’s left something for him, especially seeing as how he’s not doing very well.”

 I cup Cassie’s cheek in my hand.
 
“You’re so much like your mother.” I tell her kissing her forehead.

“We’ll phone him after we see what this is okay?” I tell her not wanting to phone him now in case the letter upsets us too much for him to be able to deal with when he arrives.

Cassie nods in understanding.

“Are you okay?” She then asks me softly.

“I’m a bit afraid to open it.  I’m scared of what it might say.  I mean she wrote this before she died Cass.” I tell her.

 “She obviously wrote it for a reason. She obviously left it there for
us to read.” Cass points out.

Slowly I move back against the headboard of the bed and motion for Cass to join me. I put my arm around the young woman and then when I can see in her eyes she’s ready I open the envelope to reveal a heartfelt letter written by my lover and Cass’ mother as if she’d sensed what was going to happen.

“God Sam...it’s like...its like she’s trying to comfort us from heaven.  It’s like she knew.” Cass mentions open mouthed as she scans over the letter.

I nod unable to say anything.  Since her passing I had never felt Janet as close to us as I do this moment.
 

“Will you read it to me?” Cassie asks me tearfully, grabbing a teddy bear she had gotten her mother for mothers day and holding it tightly for comfort.

 I kiss Cassie on the forehead and clear my throat, and then I begin to read.

 ‘To my darling girls...

 I’m writing you this letter in hopes that the feeling of foreboding that has been filling my days has been the product of my over active imagination, but with fear filling my heart that it isn’t.
 

There is so much that I want to say to the both of you, but I fear that my time with you from this moment on is going to be brief.  So with a heavy heart, but one full of love for both my darling girls, I write you this letter to say the things I may not have time to say to you both face to face.
 

I had never thanked God more than I have every day since the moment that the both of you were brought into my life.  Since you both came along every day has been a blessing for me.  My days have been filled with so much love and happiness because of you and I am so thankful you found your way into my life and my heart. You are both so beautiful in heart and soul and I never want you to forget that! Even if I'm not there to tell you every day as I have done for as long as I can remember, know that nothing will ever stop that from being true and nothing will ever stop me believing in the truth of that, no matter how far away from you both I am.
 

I love you both with all my heart, and if you’re reading this and I’m no longer with you I want you to know that not even death is strong enough to stop me from loving you.  Know that I will be looking down on you both with eternal love, and pride because of the women you are.

Know that I will do all I can to protect you and guide you.  Know that I would give anything to be able to hold you and kiss you and soothe you at this difficult time and forever more.  Know how it tears me apart to know I may have to leave you soon.  I don’t know how I know it and Sam please forgive me for not telling you, but sweetheart I just have this very strong feeling something’s going to steal us away from each other, and I didn’t want you to worry yourself okay?  Also know that if you ever need me I will be there.  You may not be able to see me, or touch me, or hear me speak, but I will always be at your side.  Every time a star twinkles in the sky, every time you see a butterfly in the house, every time the sun breaks through the clouds on a rainy day...that will be me showing you that I’m with you and will always be with you.  You’re never truly without me my darling girls, just look into your hearts because that’s where you’ll find me. I’m so sorry that I have to leave you.  I’m so, so very sorry! I only hope that these words can bring some comfort to you.  Know that I would never leave you out of choice.  I could never willingly leave behind the two most precious things in my life. I only hope that I have brought the same sunshine into your lives that you have done mine.  I only hope that I have made you both as proud of me as I am of you.
 

Cass honey, I want you to know that having you as a daughter has been the most incredible experience of my life.  I didn’t know my life could feel as complete as it did as soon as you came into it.  Watching you grow up into such a beautiful human being has been a wonderful journey for me, and a journey that I will continue to follow even with my passing.  I love you so much my baby girl.  So, so very much and I am so unbelievably proud of you! I don’t think I could be any prouder if I tried.  If you ever need guidance know that I will be at your side.

When your first child is born and when you get married know that I will be there in spirit.  Whenever you call out to me and your heart replies know that I’m there. Know that I loved being your mother my darling daughter and nothing can break that love.  If you ever need a thing you go to Sam okay sweetie? She loves you so much and I know that she will take care of you so well, no matter what she believes herself.  She is the wisest person I know no matter what she says, and I have complete trust in her ability to watch over you on Earth as I do in Heaven.  Look after her for me okay Cass honey? Don’t let her bottle anything up inside that pretty heart of hers.  She’s the love of my life forever and for always and I want you to watch over her for me until we meet again. Don’t let my darling break down over this because I am still there with both of you even if it seems I’m not.  I love you my angel xxx
 

Sam...words can’t express how happy you made me.  No words here seem enough to express how I feel about the both of you.  How can words sum up all of the moments that we’ve shared? The moments that made us the couple we were? The moments that made me fall deeper in love with you every day? 
 

I never doubted that you were my soul mate Samantha Carter.  From the very first moment we spoke until my last day I’ve known with all my heart and soul that you were the person I was meant to be with all my life.  I love you so much! So much more than I could ever put into words.  I wish with all my heart that I could show you how much I love you, and will forever love you, but it’s not meant to be. 

I would give anything to kiss you again, to hold you tightly and to have you hold me...This is so hard Sammie! Knowing that you could be reading this and we wont be together any more! Knowing that I may not have fought hard enough for my life! I don’t want to leave you honey! I can’t bear the thought of leaving you behind.  The thought shatters me!  But if I have then know that everyday I will be watching over you.  Every night I will come and kiss you good night and every morning before you wake I will kiss your eyelids and guide you into the morning.  You were my angel while I was with you on Earth, now it is my turn to be yours.  I will be there whenever you need me sweetheart I promise you.  I’ll be there without fail and I hope in some way you can sense that. Still I can’t find the words for you my sweet Sam.  I’m trying so hard but words are failing me right now.  I just hope you know in your heart how deep my love for you goes. Watch over our little girl for me my darling! Guide her, and help her through this difficult time.  You’re a wonderful mother to her and I know you can do it by yourself no matter how hard it is for you to contemplate right now.  Watching the both of you together is the most wonderful thing and I’m sure I’ll be watching you both now with a smile on my face... and sweetheart let her help you too.  She’s so wise and compassionate...she gets that off you.  Take solace in each other.  Help each other. Grieve together, but please don’t shut each other out.  I don’t want that.  Please keep an eye on Daniel for me too.  He was good to us.  He stood by us when we were so sure that things weren’t meant to be.  He supported us and was our rock and we owe him so much.  Let him know that I loved him.  As a brother  and a dear, dear friend.  Help him through his grief my girls.  I have a feeling he is going to need you even if he doesn’t show it.  He never was a man to openly admit his grief but I know how easily it haunts him. Let him know I’m with him too and how dear he was to me.  Please?
 

Well my darlings I’m finding this letter harder and harder to write.  I fear its never going to really express the strength of my feelings for you both, or the joy you have brought into my life.  I am so sorry that I couldn’t fight hard enough to stay with my girls but don’t let two of Earths brightest stars fade because of grief.  When you think of me think of me with a smile.  Think of all of the good times we shared.  Think of the love that we shared.  Don’t think of the way that I was taken from you.   I don’t want my memory to be tainted with sadness my sweethearts because even though I can no longer physically be with you I’m not truly gone.  I will live on in your hearts and memories.  Live your lives to the fullest my sweet darling girls and remember these words:


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind


All my love eternally sweetest Cass and my darling Sammie, Until we meet again amongst the stars in heaven,

 Janet...mom xxxx

When I finish I realise that the page has become wet with tears belonging to our beloved daughter and me.  My Janet knew... She had sensed that she was going to be taken from us but couldn’t tell me.  My poor Jan. 

I turn to Cass who is sitting there sobbing her little heart out and I pull her into my arms.  Never have I read such beautiful words as those in her mother’s letter. I knew Janet had a beautiful heart but those words...It was as if I could hear her saying every one of them.  I know she believed in the truth of every one of them and that comforts me a little.  I know that like she wrote in her letter even if she has left us she’ll be sitting up in Heaven with the angels where she belongs looking down on us always and will be with us always if not physically then spiritually.  I think we’d both rather she was watching over us here though.  I think we’d both rather she was here safe and sound at our sides, the same as before. I think a lot of people would rather that. There’s something missing in so many lives that can never be replaced and as that letter shows that something is a person so unique that even in death she’s trying to comfort the people she cared for the most.

For once in my life I’ve seen myself through the eyes of someone who truly loved me and for the first time I saw myself as beautiful. That’s a gift I’ll never get to thank my angel for and I’ve never hurt so much in my whole life. 

We knew how much she loved us every day we spent with her, I don’t know how she could have doubted that she didn’t let us know the depth of her feelings because in our hearts we knew...of course we did.  We’re the ones who now have to live with the fear that maybe we didn’t show her enough just how special she was to us.

We now have this letter to reassure us of the depth of her feelings as well as the memories.  We have a letter we can read if we ever want to feel close to her.  If we ever want to hear her speak to our hearts. But what does she have now? What if she’s gone and she can’t even know how much she’s loved and missed every second that passes.  What if we never told her enough and she died not knowing that I believed her to be the one I was meant to be with forever? And what if she died not knowing what a wonderful mother and lover she was? But then does anyone say everything they want to say to the people they love? Or do we all take it for granted they’ll always be with us and there’ll always be a chance to say what we truly feel, when in reality they could be taken away from us at any time?

I don’t think I’ve missed her as much since her passing as I do now with the realisation this letter’s one of the only things we have left of her. The hole in my heart left by her passing now seems to have gotten so much bigger and I didn’t think that was possible at all. I thought it was already big enough to let the grief swallow me whole.   Reading those words made me feel so close to her.  They made her seem close enough to touch, but now I know she really has gone and that somehow she sensed it.  What must that have felt like? She must have felt so helpless.  Now I’m the one who feels helpless. Helpless because I couldn’t save her. Helpless because I couldn’t comfort her as she lay there wounded. Helpless because she’s now gone forever, a loving mother and partner and I wasn’t able to prevent such a tragedy from happening.

I find some comfort in her belief that wherever she is she’ll be watching over us and that we’ll meet again, but no one knows that for real do they? For all I know her life has just stopped, the essence of her gone forever, never to watch over us, never to guide us.... Never to walk with us when we need her the most.  How is it fair that someone so incredible and so determined to help people can be taken away just like that? Her life just snuffed out like the flame of a candle burning brightly.  I don’t understand....

 As I feel Cass’ sobs subside a little I look down at the teenager laying by my side, her thumb in her mouth like she‘s small again and the teddy that belonged her mother clutched tightly to her chest.  She’ll never know how much of a blessing she was to both of us.  She’ll never realise how complete she made both of us feel.  She’ll never know how Jan saw Cass’ coming into her life as the most profound and beautiful experience.  I only hope that with Janet gone I can provide the love and care that our girl needs and I hope that between us we can keep Jan's memory alive.

I kiss Cass tenderly and try to fight the tears burning my eyes as they threaten to fall again.  The letter lays on the bed at my side as I cradle the teenager in my arms praying with all my might that I can help her through this...that we can help each other through this grief the lays heavy in our hearts.  As I look around the room, trying to focus on anything that would stop more tears from falling my eyes rest on a Polaroid photo on my nightstand of Janet and Cass absolutely soaking wet collapsed on the grass outside in a fit of laughter.  I can’t help but smile.

“What?” Cass asks looking up at me puzzled. 

I pick up the photo and show her.

“Do you remember that day?” I ask her softly, smiling again at the memory.

Cass nods.

“I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in my life.  I had to take a picture.” I tell her.

Cassie grinned.

“Mom was so funny.  She was just lying there sunbathing wasn’t she? Completely oblivious to the fact that the sprinklers were gonna come on.”

“She was. It was the first day that sun had been out in weeks and she was so determined to get a suntan.  She just grabbed a blanket and went out.  I thought she’d remember the sprinklers... I set them to go off the same time every day, especially when I know its going to be warm.”

“Instead she lay there and got completely soaked.  I was in the lounge reading when I heard her screaming. I thought she’d hurt herself so I ran out, got completely soaked and when I tried to lead her inside...”
 
“You fell in a giggly heap on the only dry patch of grass.” I finish.  “She was so cute all soaked like that.  You were both so adorable.  You couldn’t get up for laughing. Things like that always happened to your mom didn’t they?”

Cassie nodded smiling.

“There wasn’t a day that went by when she didn’t do something that made me smile.” Cassie replies.

I nod in agreement.

“Can you remember when Uncle Jack and Daniel and Teal’c and us were playing Twister just last week and somehow her skirt got caught up on her heel and she couldn’t get up off the floor? And then when we untangled her and she got up she fell over Daniel and ended up on the floor again?” Cass asks me giggling.

 I nod nearly laughing at the memory. Daniel had a huge bruise after that.

“How about when we took her rollerblading at the park and she couldn’t figure out how to stop? God peoples faces were so hilarious when she went whizzing passed them screaming for us at the top of her lungs...” I reply grinning. 

“Yeah its lucky the guy she bumped into was strong enough to catch her when she was going at that speed.” Cassie replies laughing.

“How about when she exploded that popcorn in the kitchen? We must have spent at least an hour cleaning that up.”

“Yeah while she was in the bath because she said she was traumatised by it all.” I say smiling.

 Cass then starts to cry.

“We shouldn’t be laughing Sam.  It’s wrong.” She tells me.  “It’s disrespecting mom.... Like we’re making fun of her when.... It’s just wrong.  We’re such bad people.” She tells me broken hearted.

 I put a hand on Cassie’s shoulder and then prop up her chin with my other hand so she’s looking right into my eyes.

“Listen to me sweetie, it’s not disrespecting her and it’s not us making fun. It doesn’t make us bad people so don‘t ever think that it does.  She wants us to remember her Cass.  Memories are all we have left now. In that letter your mom wrote that she wanted us to remember her with a smile.  I know its hard because when you think of all the happy times your heart aches that you’re not going to have any more with her, but she was the sunshine in our lives Cass.  She brought us joy and we have to remember the times she gave it to us with happiness not with sadness because of what happened.  She wants us to grieve sweetie but she doesn’t ever want her memory to be tainted by her death.” I tell her stroking her hair out of her face, trying to convince myself as well as her that my words were true, but content in the knowledge that those words reflected my darling Janet's wishes.

“It’s just so hard Sam.  That letter made her seem so close...it made it seem like she was here saying all those words and while they comfort me its just.... She had a sense she was going to die Sam...I can’t believe she lived her last days with that feeling.  I can't believe she's not coming back.”

I kiss her forehead unable to believe it myself.

“We’ve just got to try not to think about that honey.”

“She was pretty amazing to do this for us wasn’t she?” Cass tells me softly.

“She was.  She was amazing every day of her life.  She was always one of the most thoughtful and caring people I knew. It’s such a Janet thing to do this.... Leaving us a letter just so we know how special we were to her and that she‘ll always be with us.  I can't imagine not having her here anymore.” I tell her sadly.

“Sam? Would you mind if I read this again alone? I don’t want to push you away but...I just...” Cassie starts faltering a little with fear she’s upsetting me.

 I nod in understanding.

“You know where I am if you need me okay?” I tell her getting up off the bed and walking to the door slowly, then looking back at the young woman who was rereading her mothers words and clinging on to every one as I had done before.
 
 “Love you.” She tells me looking up for a moment and giving me a small smile.

“I love you too Cass...for all of my days.” I reply as I open the door and leave her alone with her thoughts and her mothers words and walk down the stairs thinking how empty the house was without Janet's laughter before bursting into fresh tears.

~*~*~*~*~*
 
I sit outside on the porch, Janet's blanket wrapped around me for warmth against the chilling night air.  I put Cassie to bed just a little while ago.  She didn’t want to sleep in her own room so she’s in ours at the moment.... Mine now, the teddy bear she was holding earlier still in her arms.   The poor kid cried herself to sleep.  She’s read that letter so many times.  To her it gives her a little piece of her mother back and I think she feels that if she stops reading then somehow the memory of her mother, and the feelings Jan expressed in that letter for us, her girls, would just somehow stop.   She wouldn’t even try to get some rest unless I sat in there with her and held her until she drifted off.  She’s having such a hard time.  I think she’s scared she’s going to lose me now too.  So I waited until she was asleep before coming down here, needing to get some air and needing to get out of the now eerily quiet house that once contained so much joy and laughter.

I can’t bear to see her hurting so much.  It’s hard enough trying to deal with my own grief and the immense loss I feel, let alone the grief of a young woman who in her short life has seen the population of her native planet die including her biological family, then moved to earth and started a new life here with a mother who adored her and who she adored only for that mother to be taken away from her too.  How she is coping is beyond me.  How she can deal with such loss is beyond me too.  It must be so unbelievably difficult for her. All I know is that I’m the closest thing she has left now to a parent and I’m going to do all I can to help her get through this.  But how do I do that when I’m not sure how to get through it myself?  I love that young woman with all my heart, but now that heart is breaking and I feel so lost.

“I’m not sure I can do this!” I whisper to no-one in particular wrapping the blanket around myself tighter as I feel a gust of wind.  “I really don’t know what to do here!” I exclaim looking up at the stars shining in the night’s sky.  “You were always so good with Cass; you helped her through her grief the first time round.  I don’t know if I can!” I shout tearfully.

“You’re doing just fine sweetie.” Comes a gentle voice from beside me.  A voice that I recognise immediately and which makes my heart beat so fast that I feel as though I’m going to explode.
 

I turn around to see my lover sitting there, her short hair blowing in the wind, looking so alive but so far away at the same time. As if she’s sitting there but not.  As if she’s caught between Earth and somewhere else.

“I told you I’d be here if you needed me didn’t I?” She tells me smiling at me what seems a little sadly.

 “But you’re not really here are you? This isn’t real is it?” I comment taking every detail of her in.

“It’s whatever you want it to be honey.” She replies looking up at the stars.  “What are you doing out here anyway? You’ll catch your death.” She tells me with a small smile.

“That’s not funny.” I reply a little sternly.  “Besides maybe I want to.  At least I’d get to be with you.”

“You can’t think like that.  You have so much more to accomplish in your life. Don’t wish it away. We‘ll be together again Sam...just not yet.  It‘s not your time.” She tells me wisely.
 

“Why did you have to leave us Jan?  I want you back so much.  Cass does too.” I tell her, tears streaming down my face that I wipe away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

“It was my time Sam.” She tells me softly, her eyes full of such depth and wisdom that I can’t help looking into them, trying to find answers as to why she was taken from me and our daughter.
 

“I can’t accept that.  You had so much more left to do in your life.  We had so many years left together.  How can you say it was your time?” I ask her, the anger caused by our losing her threatening to engulf me.  “Did you want to leave us?” I then ask her quietly, holding my breath as I wait for the answer.

“Of course I didn’t!  Sweetheart I never wanted to leave you.  It just happened and nobody could have stopped it from happening, no one.  I would never have left you if I’d had the choice but I didn’t Sammie.  I didn’t even have the chance to fight because if I did I would have clung on to my life so hard.” She tells me tearfully.

 “Were you in pain?” I ask her quietly looking down at the ground and playing with a blade of grass near my feet.

“Only for a second, but then it passed and... I did too.” She tells me shuddering a little at the memory.

I reach out to comfort her, and then pull away scared to reach out and not feel her.

“What’s it like?” I ask her.
 
 “Just like slipping away. Everything gets so clear for a second, and then it all gets muddled and disoriented and then....”

“And then you’re gone.” I finish.

“Not really.  I mean yes physically I’m gone but I’m always with you sweetheart, in your heart and in Cassie’s, and in the hearts of the people that I meant something to. I‘ll never be gone as long as I‘m there.” She tells me softly.

“I hate that I wasn’t there Jan. I should have been there when....” I start tearfully.

She moves closer to me and I can feel her hand on my cheek.

“What happened Sam, it wasn’t pleasant.  Honey I would have liked nothing more than to have you with me as I left this world, but maybe its best that you weren’t.  I wouldn’t wish that on you.  Poor Daniel...”
 

“He’s not doing so well.” I tell her.
 
She looks down at the ground sadly.

“I know.  I wish he didn’t have to see that.” She tells me regretfully.

“But at least you weren’t alone when.... At least someone who loved you was there with you.”

 She nodded.
 

 “I am grateful for that. It makes it easier knowing that he was there and that I wasn’t alone.  If I couldn’t have you there I’m glad it was Daniel.”

 “God Jan, it’s so empty now.  Everything is just so empty.” I tell her wiping my eyes.

 “Hey, it’s okay.” She soothes rubbing my back.

“But it’s not.  How can it be okay again? We’re not together!” I tell her my heart shattering.  “You made me so happy.  You made my life so complete and I love you so much, but you’re not here.  It’s not okay!” I shout.

“You think it doesn’t tear me apart to know that I can’t be here with you?  I would love so much just to have one more day with you, one more second with you and Cass where I could tell you both how loved you made me feel or how special every day was that I spent with you.  A second where I was alive...not...Do you have any idea how much I love you both? As I was...When I was hit...the clearest thing in my mind the whole time were my feelings for our little girl and for you and how sad I was that I was going to be leaving you behind.”
 

“I just...I don’t know how to do this on my own.  Jan I’m so lonely.  You... were my soul mate and now....” I tell her barely able to find the words.

“You’re going to do fine. Sam you have so many people who care about you. You have your dad, General Hammond, Daniel, Teal’c the Colonel and most importantly you have our daughter.  She needs you right now so much.  You can’t keep going on like this. I know you‘re grieving sweetheart and it’s a natural process but you can't keep bottling up your pain and keeping it away from her.  It‘ll destroy you.  You don‘t need to be strong all the time sweetheart.”

“How can you tell me that? Don’t you want me to miss you? Would you rather I forgot all about you and just moved on?” I ask her angrily.

She looks at me heartbroken.

“I’m sorry Jan.  I could never forget you.  Not ever.” I tell her regretfully, more tears streaming down my face when I fear I’ve hurt her beyond repair.

“Sam I don’t expect you not to miss me.  I just.... You’re such a beautiful person.  I don’t think you realise it half the time but you are.  Every day I woke up with you beside me I thanked god that I had you.   Don’t you think it’s a waste if a person so beautiful gets so
engulfed in grief that she cant focus on anything or anyone but that? All I want is for you and Cass to take solace in each other.  I want you both to be happy again. I don‘t want you to self-destruct, because sweetheart whether you admit it to yourself or not that's where you‘re heading.  I just want you to be happy and when you think of me I want you to be happy not sad like this.  I don‘t want you to think you can‘t carry on without me because I know you can.”

 “But what if I’m a bad...”

“Mother? Sam there is no way you’re bad.  You’ve been like a mother to Cass as long as I can remember.  You‘re a natural. There wasn‘t a day that went by that I didn‘t think that of you when I saw you with her.”

 “But you were her mother not me.” I reply.

“Honey you were too, just as much as I was. Don’t be scared of motherhood.  You have to embrace it and I know you can do it.  You both need each other so much right now.  I want you to take care of her and I want you to take care of yourself.” She tells me softly.

“I miss you.” I tell her simply.  “I miss lying in bed at night talking to you until sunrise.  I miss holding you and feeling you there in my arms.  I miss kissing you. I miss you kissing my eyelids every morning as I begin to wake up. I miss everything about you.  I miss us.  I really miss us.”  I tell her meaning it with all my heart, not knowing how I’m going to adjust to not having her here with me anymore and wishing so much for all of those things.

“I know you do.  I do too more than you can ever possibly know, but it’ll get easier and then one day, when your time comes we’ll be together again.  Until then I want you to be happy sweetheart okay? I want you to watch over Cass for me and I want you to be happy.  I can’t stand seeing you like this.” She tells me concern shining in her deep brown eyes.

 “I can’t stand you not being here with me so I guess we’re even.” I reply.

 She smiles.

“Promise me that you’ll remember me Sam.” She tells me remembering my earlier statement, an extremely sad expression coming onto her face.

“How could I forget you Jan? How could I possibly forget you?” I tell her.  “You’re the love of my life. There’s never going to be anyone who could replace you.  No one can even come close.  My heart belongs with you, nowhere else.  You’re so beautiful and kind and loving...and I’ve never loved anyone as much in my life.”

“You’ve got to give yourself more chances to sweetheart...in time.  I don’t want you to ever be lonely.  A person like you should never be lonely.” She tells me taking my hand in hers and kissing it softly leaving me amazed that I can feel my hand in hers and feel her lips touching it.

“You had no idea how beautiful everyone thought you were did you?” I ask her.  “They say that beauty unaware of itself is the most beautiful don't they?”

 She nods looking up at me, her eyes wide.

“That was what we all thought of you.  You were so unaware of how loved you were and how beautiful that you were that it made you even more special to all of us.  You touched so many lives Jan, you truly did.  There’s a hole at the SGC now that can never be filled. It‘s just not the same you know?”

“Thank you.” She tells me quietly her eyes full of unshed tears.

“It’s true.  You were our angel on Earth...now you are in heaven.” I tell her smiling softly.

She smiles back.

“I’ve never been an angel.” She tells me cheekily.  “You know that better than anyone.” She adds making me giggle.

“Jan you do know how much I love you right? How I woke up every single day feeling like the luckiest woman in the world that I had you to spend what I thought then would be the rest of my life, with?  I love you so much that it feels like my heart’s going to burst sometimes.” I tell her sincerely. 
 

“Of course I know that.  I always knew it.” She replies, her brown eyes sparkling like tiny stars.

“Cass and I were just so worried that you died and you didn’t know how important you are to us. We were so scared that we didn’t tell you enough how much we loved you because we did Jan, so, so much.” I reassure her.

“I already knew.  I knew that without words.  Some things you don’t need words for.... And with us...it was always as if our hearts spoke to each other and we didn‘t need to say a thing.” Janet reassures me.  “But you did tell me every day my darling, you couldn’t have done much more than that.”

I smile.

“You know how much you both mean to me don’t you? How I adored the time I got to spend with you however brief it ultimately was.  How I loved you both more than life itself.” She asks me.

“Of course.... There wasn’t a day that passed when I didn’t know that, and I’m sure there wasn’t one where Cassie didn’t know it either. Every day you found some way to show us, and you’re right we didn’t always need words.  In my heart I just know...”

“Then you’ll know how hard this is for me Sam.  I hate being apart from my two wonderful girls. It feels like...I don’t think I can describe it. All I know is it hurts...if I can hurt now...” She then adds frowning.

 “For me it’s like my heart calls out to you every second, but yours can’t reply anymore...if that makes sense.” I tell her.

 Janet leans over and kisses me on the forehead and I shiver.

“It makes perfect sense.  But Sam when your heart calls, trust me that I can hear it and that I’m there.  You may not be able to see me, but I’m there sweetheart and I always will be until you don’t need me anymore.”

 “I’ll always need you.” I reply quietly.

 “Well then you’ll always have me watching over you.  Sweetheart I am okay you know.  Where I am, I’m okay.  You have nothing to be scared of. You don’t need to worry for me.  I‘m safe now.  I‘m not in any more pain.”

 I nod unable to believe I’m having this conversation with my deceased lover.

 “It doesn’t make it any less hard though Jan.  Knowing you’re okay means so much to me...but nothing’s going to bring you back is it?”

 She shakes her head.

 “No it’s not, but I promise you anytime you see the sun coming through the clouds on a dull day.  Anytime you feel the wind caress your face.  Anytime you feel something brush against your skin, or you feel your lips tingle...Anytime you sense something’s different but can’t place what that feeling mean it’s me showing you that I’m with you and how much I love you.”

 She moves closer to me and puts her mouth to my ear.

“I’ll always be close by my sweet Sammie.  I’ll always be watching over you and guiding you. I’m only a heartbeat away if you need me.  Just close your eyes and talk and I’ll be there.  I’m never far away I promise you my darling and my love will be with you and Cass always.... And the love I have, for my two girls and the love I received from the both of you... it will never leave me.”

I reach out a hand and can feel her cheek against my palm but it’s colder somehow.
 
 “My time here’s getting short Sam; I’m going to have to leave you soon.” She tells me, closing her eyes as she feels my touch.  “I just wanted you to know that I was okay.  I wanted to give my blessing for you to be happy.  I wanted to let you know so many different things but most of all I wanted you to know that I’m safe and that I love you both so very much.”

“We know. We’ve always known. Jan we found the letters...” I tell her quickly.  “Hon why didn’t you say anything to me about the fact you...” I start getting tearful again, unable to bear the thought that she had sensed the inevitability of her death. And not told me.

“Hush now.” She tells me stroking my cheek. “Hey, do you remember the night we had that barbeque when we first got together and everyone came over.  We had such a good night and everyone stayed until about one in the morning and we all just sat here on blankets just talking and singing along to the radio?” Jan asks me.

 I nod and smile as I remember that night.  One of many happy nights that we spent together.

“Yeah and Jack set fire to his apron while he was cooking the meat...” I add remembering Jacks face.

“And Cass had to hose him down.” Janet finished laughing a little as she remembered Cass panicking and grabbing the hose, completely soaking Jack and the barbeque as she put the flames out.

 I nod again smiling.

“Do you remember how when everybody went home and we put Cassie to bed we came back out here and there was the most beautiful song playing on the radio...and we just danced under the stars, even long after the song stopped?” She then asks me.

 “Yeah.  That was the happiest moment of my life that night, seeing you so beautiful and holding you in my arms under the starlight, knowing that you were mine.”

 “I’ll always be yours.” She replies sincerely.  “It’s one of many beautiful memories I have of us...maybe the most beautiful because I knew that night that I’d found the person I’d been waiting for my whole life.  It felt so right there in your arms. Like we just fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  I know that you’ll not get to hold me in them again, not like before...but I want you to know that as long as you remember times like that and as long as you remember us...I’ll always be alive in a way.”
 

“I love you.” I tell her sincerely taking both of her hands in my own, still amazed that I can feel them in mine even though I know she really is not of this Earth anymore.  “You’ll always be in my heart.” I then tell her.
 

“And I love you.” She replies pulling me into her arms.  “Remember me with a smile okay? Not with the sadness that comes with my passing.  I don't want to see that pretty face and heart in pieces because of me.” She whispers. “Watch over Cass and Daniel for me sweetheart okay?”

 I nod tearfully, able to sense that she was going back to where she had come from. Wherever that place is that we go when we die.
 
“And know that I didn’t want to leave you baby.  I so didn’t want to leave you or Cass.  I‘d do anything to be back here with you always.” She replies sobbing.

 “I know.” I reply running a hand through her soft hair.  “Honey I know.” I whisper kissing the top of her head.

 “And please... tell Cass I love her so much and that I’m so sorry I had to leave because Sam I am.” She says honestly.

 “Sweetie like you said what happened to you just happened. You couldn’t have done anything differently to have stopped it.  You were doing your job.  You didn‘t have a chance.” I soothe tearfully.  “I know you didn’t.  Daniel told me.” I tell her thinking of how haunted Daniel had become since that day.
 
 “I so wanted that chance. Maybe things would have turned out differently.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have to leave you again.  Sam I’m so scared of being without you.” She tells me.  “And Cassie.  I love that girl so much.”

 “Sweetheart you said you’d always be with me in my heart and that as long as I have your memory then you’ll be alive. It’s the same where you are.  As long as you remember, you’ll never be alone.”

 “I will always be with you two.  Always.” She tells me as she begins to fade.

 “Goodbye my angel.” I whisper softly.  “Thank you for seven of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life.  Thank you for loving me.”

 “I won’t ever stop.  I’ll never stop loving you and Cassie, not ever. Until we meet again in the stars my Sammie....”

 I break down in tears and when I look up she’s gone. Whether what I just experienced was real or not I’ll never know, but I do know one thing and that is that love continues from both sides even when one person moves on in death.  I also know that Janet Fraiser’s spirit will forever be watching over me, our daughter, and her friends at the SGC.


  Even in death my lover tried to comfort me and that is something that I’ll never forget and that will continue to comfort me in my grief.  I've felt so blessed for the past seven years that I’ve known her and whatever just happened has left me with the knowledge that maybe, as people say, when we pass on there is another life for us.  Maybe the people we have loved and lost do watch over us and are with us always; still loving us back even in death. 

  I know that things are going to be difficult from now on for me, for Cass and for all the lives that Janet touched with her sweet smile, caring nature and bubbly personality. I also know that Jan wants me to carry on and how important it is to her that the memory of her life isn’t tainted by the incidents surrounding her death.  She wants me to be the kind of mother she knows I can be and she wants me to live my life to the fullest until the day we meet again wherever she is now.  I know that she wants me to keep her memory alive and I know that there is no chance of me ever not keeping her memory alive because she means too much to me. 

  Janet taught me to really love and she enabled me to see myself through her loving eyes.  That’s a gift I’m eternally grateful for and it’s a gift I intend to pass on to our daughter.  While it’s so empty in my life without her, I can draw comfort from the fact that within me and our little girl she’ll live on, and while this grief is going to be with me for the rest of my days, I know that I’ll never truly be without her.  The depth of her love will remain forever with me and with Cass and with everyone whose lives she ever touched.

 ~*~*~*~*
 
   I lay on the sofa, Janet's blanket still wrapped around me and I listen to the music that fills the room softly.  I couldn’t bear to be in the room without any noise.  It just reminds me that Jan’s not here anymore, and so I turned on the radio so at least I didn’t feel so alone.

 The doorbell rings.  I know who it is.  I phoned him as soon as I came back into the house after my ‘conversation’ with Jan.  She was so worried for him because of his seeing her demise, and if she was worried even in death then that gave me reason to be worried too. 

  We haven’t really spoken since she left us.  We have a little but we‘ve skirted around everything that needs to be said. He’s been retreating away from everything and shutting us all out more and more each day, keeping anything he is feeling to himself mostly through fear of upsetting me more I think.  But I need to talk about her.  I need to share my memories of her with him.  I need to let him know that I’m so glad he could be with her when she passed and that it means a lot to me that she wasn’t alone.  I need to let him know that its okay to grieve for her and it’s okay for him to open up to me about it because I know he loved her almost as much as I did.  I think that reason alone makes him one of the perfect people to talk about everything we’re feeling with because he understands it exactly.  He needs to know how much Jan thought of him and how special he was to her, and how worried she’d be if she was here and saw him in the state he’s in.  How worried she actually
 is looking down on him now.

 I gently push myself up off the chair and walk over to the door.  As I pull it open my heart immediately aches for the man who greets me on the other side.  His blue eyes are wet with unshed tears, and so haunted by grief and the sights I never saw surrounding my lovers demise.  His face is pale through lack of sleep and he looks as if he might break.

 “Oh Daniel...” I whisper immediately wrapping my arms around him, never having seen him so lost.

 “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save her.  I was so helpless. I...” he starts then having trouble finding the words, collapsing on his knees to the floor and taking me with him.

 “You couldn’t have done anything Daniel.  I don’t blame you.” I reassure him cradling him in my arms tightly.

 “I’m so, so sorry Sam.” He tells me looking up into my eyes with his own, before his face crumples and he breaks down into tears.

  “Hey it’s okay.” I soothe him hating to see him hurting so much but understanding completely.  “It’s not your fault.” I try and reassure him.

 “It’s not okay!  It should have been me not her.” He tells me angrily wiping his eyes now shining with tears.

 “It shouldn’t have been either of you.  Janet would hate to hear you say that and so do I.  My Jan might be gone but that doesn't mean I wish it were you.  I‘d rather it wasn‘t her but I would never want it to be you either.” I add.

 “Sam the woman that you love died.  I was right there. It shouldn’t have happened.  She shouldn’t have died like that... How can I forgive myself for this?” He asks me.

 “You have to.  Daniel you couldn’t have done a single thing.   You have to remember that! You can’t keep blaming yourself like this, you can’t.” I tell him rocking him gently, tears building up behind my eyes just as I think I’m all cried out.
 
 “But I was there and I couldn’t help her.  I didn’t know how.  I failed her.” He tells me looking at the floor.

 “No, you never ever failed her Daniel.  Not ever, in the whole time that you knew her did you fail Jan.”
 
 “I wish I could believe that.” He tells me softly.

 “You have to.” I tell him tearfully.  “You can’t do this to yourself Daniel.  I know it hurts, trust me I do...but you can’t blame yourself for anything that happened that day.”

 “Do you blame me for it?” He asks me quietly, unable to look me in the eyes.

 I can’t believe he thinks that I would blame him.  How could I blame him for my losing her? It was the Goa’uld that caused her death not him.  He was just witness to it, and now it was going to haunt him forever.

 “I know that you loved Jan.  I know that you would do anything for her.  I know that if she had a chance to live you would have done what you could to keep her alive. I could never blame you.  You loved her and you were there for her when she needed someone the most.  You were there when she was leaving this world, and I’m so grateful that you were because there’s no one else I’d rather have been there with her if I couldn’t.” I tell him honestly cupping his cheek, now wet with tears in my hand.

 “I feel so guilty...and so...I just hurt Sam.” He tells me sadly.

 “I know.  Me too.” I reply.  “Right in my heart.  I blame myself too you know.  I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done...but there wasn‘t, there really and truly wasn‘t.” I say helplessly.  “That's what hurts the most.  That I couldn’t protect her and now she’s gone.”

 Daniel shivers.  I look up and realise the door is still wide open and we’re on the floor in front of it.

 “Come on lets get you in the warm.” I tell him offering him a hand and helping him up, then closing the door and leading him into the living room.

 “I’m sorry...” he tells me softly.  “You don’t need this right now.” He adds.

 “But you do.” I reply simply.  “How long has it been since you slept?” I ask him quietly leading him to the sofa and watching as he slowly lowers himself on to it, his body exhausted with tiredness and tears.

 “A few days....” He replies.  “Sam I can go if...”

 “I called you remember, and no you’re not going.  Not in this kind of state and not until we’ve talked about all this.  I’m not going to let you shut yourself away from me and from your friends when you’re hurting this much. I’m not letting you grieve quietly and keep it all to yourself because you’re worried for me.” I tell him sternly.  “I won’t let you destroy yourself.  She wouldn’t want that for me, for you, for any of us.”

   He nods and rests his head against the back of the chair.

 “I know.  It’s not easy though is it?”

 I shake my head sadly.

 “You want a coffee?” I then ask him quietly, never having seen him looking so haunted and noticing he was still shivering slightly from lack of sleep and the cold.
 
He nods but says nothing.

 “Okay.  Don’t you go anywhere.” I say softly, taking his right hand in my own and squeezing it, then walking into the kitchen and making him a drink.

  A few minutes and a few tears later I walk back into the room, two cups of coffee in hand.  I stop as I see him standing by the window, Janet's jacket in his hands, holding it up to his face and crying.

 I put the cups down on the table and walk over to him.  I put a hand on his shoulder and he turns to face me tearfully.

 “I can’t get it out of my head Sam.  Every time I close my eyes I see her face.  I see her getting hit, I hear her scream and I see her eyes, and every time I see those things feel so helpless because I couldn’t save her and I loved her...I loved her and I had to watch her die.”

 “Oh Daniel....” I whisper rubbing his back.

 “And I couldn’t save her for you...Every day I saw how much she loved and you and how happy you made her.  Every day I saw that love returned.  I’m so sorry Sam....” He tells me sincerely.

  “Me too but Daniel you can’t do this to yourself.   What happened had nothing to do with you.  It was the damn Goa’uld.  You need to forgive yourself.”

 “I don’t think I can.” He tells me softly.  “God Sam you didn’t see it.  You didn’t see....”

 “What?” I ask him softly.

 “No.I can’t...” He tells me shaking his head.

 “Daniel...I couldn’t be there...I need to know...” I tell him walking over and sitting down, him then joining me, Jan's jacket still cradled in his hands.

 “It wasn’t pretty Sam.  It was awful...it was.... God she was so undeserving of that.  So undeserving of what happened.”

 “I know.” I reply never having agreed with something so much in my life.

 “It was all so fast.  She was trying to help Wells and then.... There was a scream and she was down...and... She was just...she was gone.  I don’t think she was in any pain.  If she was it could only have been for a second...but her eyes...she hadn’t even been able to close her eyes.  I’ll never forget them...so scared...so shocked...so lifeless.”

 I nod tearfully.

 “When I got to you both they were closed...You‘d covered her wound but I could see through your jacket how bad....” I start before breaking down completely.

 “I didn’t want you to see.” He tells me crying too.  “I didn’t want your last memory of her to be that.  I wanted to protect you from it somehow.  I wanted you to see her peaceful.” He tells me looking at the floor.

  I lean over and kiss him on the forehead amazed at the thought that went into his actions.  How even in a situation so dire he was trying to protect me.

  “Thank you.  Thank you for thinking of us at a time like that.”

 “You saw her at the base didn’t you?” He asks me quietly.

 I nod.

 “I needed to.  There was so much I needed to say to her that I couldn’t before. I needed to say goodbye to her.  I needed to spend time with her to let her know how much I loved her and will always love her and how sorry I was that I wasn‘t there when she passed.  I wanted to make up for not being there then.” I tell him hurting so much over my not being there when my lover had died.

 Daniel puts an arm around me and squeezes my shoulder comfortingly.

 “I saw her too.” He tells me playing with a button on the jacket. “ I needed to say sorry.”

 “What for?” I ask him wiping my eyes.

 “For not being able to help her.  For what happened to her.  For every thing she’s done for me these past seven years with hardly any thanks.  She did so much for me. She worked so hard for me before I ascended and when I was taken over by all those personalities.... She worked so hard for me so many times.   She saved my life countless times, and I didn’t do nearly enough in return.  I never really thanked her even though I cared so much.   I should have let her know how thankful I was to have such an angel in my life.  I should have said so many things...”

 “She knows Daniel.” I reassure him.

 He smiles like that comforts him a little.

“I hope so.” He replied regretfully.

 “She does.  Trust me.” I reply thinking back to my encounter earlier with Janet's spirit.

 “How are you coping?” He then asks me as if trying to blank events out of his mind for a little while, his eyes full of concern.

 “Not great.” I reply honestly.  “Cass isn’t too good either.”

 “I can imagine.  The poor kids suffered so much loss in her life.”
 
 I burst into tears.

 “I love her so much...I can’t believe she’s not here to know that.  I can’t believe she’s not here for me to show it to every day.” I tell him sobbing.

 He wraps me in his arms and kisses the top of my head.

 “She was so unique you know? She cared so much for people and was so kind and funny and determined and brave and beautiful...she was everything I ever needed and wanted.... And now...”

 “I know.” He soothes rocking me gently and letting me cry.

 “I feel so empty Daniel.  Like this huge part of me is missing.  It’s like part of my heart has been ripped out and it actually hurts.”

 “I know the feeling.” He replies.  “She touched a lot of lives.  You should be so proud of her for that.”

 “I am.  There was never a day that went by that I wasn’t proud of her.  I’m still so proud of her but I would just... I’d give anything to have her back.”

 He nods in understanding.

  “She loved you so much Sam.  You and Cassie, you were everything to her.” He tells me.  “Anytime I was in the infirmary, and you know me, that’s been a lot, she always told me what you’d all been doing, how proud she was of you and Cass...how she loved you both every second of every day.  I never saw her as happy as she was when she was with you or talking about you and Cassie.  As long as you remember that she’ll always be alive.  I’m sure she’s still with you.  She loved you too much to ever leave you, even in death.”

 “She thought the world of you too.  I know it was hard for you loving her and seeing her with me, but you always held a special place in her heart. You need to remember that.”

 “She was happy with you and if you love someone their happiness is the most important thing to you in the world.  All I wanted was for her to be happy, and if that was with you then that was where she was meant to be.  I love the both of you and I’m glad that you each found the person you wanted to spend your lives with and seeing you together I knew there was no-one else for either of you.  You’re soul mates. I would never stand in the way of something so special.”

 “We were so worried about telling you about us you know.” I comment.

 Daniel smiles.

 “Am I that scary?” He asks pulling a stupid face and making me giggle.

 “Of course not.... Well only when you haven’t had your morning coffee.” I add giggling.  “It was just we knew how much you cared for her, that was why we wanted to tell you because we didn’t feel it was fair for you to pine for someone who was seriously involved with someone else. We were so scared that you wouldn’t be supportive that's all, because of your own feelings for her.”

 “I have to admit I was a bit shocked to start off with...but the minute I saw you both together...that was when I realised how special what you both had was.  There was no way I’d do anything to jeopardize that for you.  I care about both of you so much.  I wanted to do anything I could to protect you, to support you and to ensure your happiness and if it meant keeping your relationship from everyone then I was willing to do that as long as you both were happy. I was never one to stand in the way of true love.”

 “It meant so much to us, the support we had from you.  You’ve been such a dear friend to me and to Jan.  She did love you, you know?”

 He smiles.

 “You don’t have to say that but thank you.” He replies/

 “It’s true.  You were always there when she needed you.  You always gave her support and you always tried to protect her.  You two had such a special bond. Why else to you think everyone's so worried about you now?” I ask him.

 He shrugs.

 “You know I have a feeling that she's watching us right now, and I bet she’s so worried seeing you like this.” I tell him softly.

 “If she’s watching over me she’s probably wishing it was me that had died not her.  She’s probably angry with me.” He comments sadly.

 “How can you even think that?” I ask him open mouthed.  “I thought you knew her better than that.  Daniel she would never, ever think that, not ever.   She would never blame you for what happened to her.  It was tragic and wrong and it hurts so badly, but it was not your fault and she would never wish what happened to her on anyone.  Especially not you.” I reassure him.

 “I just feel so guilty Sam.  I had to watch her die and she was so special to me.  I had to watch her die knowing how heartbroken you and Cass would be and how desperate she would be not to leave you.  I had to see something I never, ever wanted to see.”

 “I know.” I soothe rubbing his back.  “And I wish you hadn’t seen it.  I wish that she was here now and that everything was back to the way it was before, but it’s never going to happen and as hard as it is to accept we have to go on without her here.  She wouldn’t want us to be so sad because of her.  She’d want us just to be grateful for the times we did spend together. All the happy ones.  She wouldn‘t want the memory of her to make us sad.”

 “She never was the kind of person who liked a frown was she?  Whenever I was in the infirmary with one of my many ailments or injuries she always did everything she could to put a smile on to my face.” He tells me smiling a little.

  “You mean like sneaking you some ice cream that she’d sweet talked an airman into letting her have at midnight when you were in there once?”

 He smiled.

 “She was so funny that night. I think I was driving her mad with my whining. I was going really stir crazy and I could tell she was losing her patience a little so she asked me what it would take to make me shut up.” He tells me laughing.

 “And you said ice cream?” I ask him smiling.

 “Well no... I said something rather....”

 “Ah.” I reply cottoning on to what Daniel was talking about and smiling as I try and think what Janet's reaction would have been to that. 

 “Anyway she told me that she didn’t think you’d be very pleased if she was to fulfil that wish but that for her the next best thing was chocolate ice cream.”

 “Yep she always was a sucker for chocolate ice cream.  She could get through almost a whole tub by herself if she was having a bad day.” I tell him remembering some of those days when she hadn't been able to save someone and had come home looking so small and fragile that I’d immediately get a tub of ice cream from the freezer, pour her a glass of wine and hold her in my arms and wait until she was ready to talk about it.
 
 “Of course I decided that ice cream would be good and of course I couldn’t go and get any because I was injured, so she took it upon herself to go and get me some. As it was so late she was convinced that there wouldn’t be any and so she sat on my bed for about half an hour running all of these plans she’d made to get some past me.  It was like this whole big military operation just to get me something to eat.  I ended up feeling really guilty because of the trouble but she was having none of it and then fifteen minutes after she had set off she was back, ice cream in hand and a huge grin on her face.  She‘d sweet talked one of the airman into getting her some.”

 “It was her eyes wasn’t it? She had those gorgeous doe eyes that could get her anything that she wanted.”

 He nods, a look of affection on his face.

 “Did it shut you up?” I then ask him smiling.

 “Yeah it shut me up, but as I was the only person in the infirmary and I’d been a pain in the ass the whole day Janet made a point of sitting by my bed singing stupid songs as loudly as she could as payback so I couldn’t get any sleep.”
 
“That was our Jan.  She was so bubbly wasn’t she? She had such a wicked sense of humour.”

 “She was.  At the SGC she was so professional and calm but out of work...she was so different.  So energetic and lively and so funny.”

 “Can you remember that night when you came over and we had Cass’ karaoke machine in the lounge?” I ask him.

 “How could I forget that? What was it she made me get up and sing?”

 “Wasn’t it Bare Necessities from the Jungle Book?” I reply remembering Jan's fit of giggles as Daniel got up to sing.

  He grins.

 “She used to love watching me make a fool of myself.” He tells me smiling fondly.

 “No, she loved the fact that if she ever felt down you were a person she could rely on to bring a smile to her face.  That day she’d lost one of her colleagues from the infirmary and she’d spent a lot of the day with her staff in tears.  We’d arranged the karaoke night a couple of weeks before and she didn’t want to cancel it because Cass was so looking forward to it and she wanted to spend some time with you.  You brought some sunshine into her day doing that, she was so thankful for your friendship.”

 “I never knew that.” He replied softly.

  “Well now you do.” I reply squeezing his hand.

 “Do you remember that camping trip we went on? And Janet decided it’d be a good idea to tell ghost stories around the campfire?” He then asks me.

 I grin remembering that night and how lovely it had been to lay under the stars with her in my arms before we went into the tent to try and sleep, Daniel and myself pointing out the constellations to her and Cass who lay enchanted by it all.

 “And she scared herself so much by telling them that she made me get you out of your tent and come in ours because she was convinced there was something going to get us?” I reply remembering how Jan thought every noise from outside was something sinister and had made me go and get Daniel to protect us form whatever she thought was going to get us.

  “She was so scared but I couldn’t help laughing.” He tells me.

 “Me either.” I reply.  “And I felt so guilty when I saw her face.”

 “She got her own back when she started the pillow fight though.” He comments looking at one of the photos of Janet, Cass him and me during one of our many escapades.

 “Yeah and the tent collapsed and we all had to climb out and put it back up at one in the morning.  It was a good night though.  Really good.” I reply fondly.

  “It was.  This is how she’d want us to remember her isn’t it?  This is exactly how she’d want it.  She’d want us to remember all the good times we’ve had rather than the bad.”
 
 I smile softly.

 “It is how she’d want it.  She was always my little ray of sunshine.  I don’t think she’d want to be remembered in any other way.  She’d want to be remembered for the unique and beautiful person she was, and for the things she accomplished in life, not for the way she died.  Thank you for being so great with her Dan...thanks for keeping my girl smiling so much and thank you for being such a dear friend.  She‘s so very grateful and I am too.”

 “I’m grateful to have known her and for the time I’ve spent with all of you. It was never a burden Sam, I hope you know that.”

   “I do. She does too.” I reassure him.  “Daniel? Can I ask you something?” I then ask him quietly wondering how to broach this subject with him without him possibly fearing for my sanity.

  He nods.

 “Do you believe that when a person leaves to us they can hear what we say to them? Do you believe that they can know how we’re feeling and maybe when we need them most appear to us in some way?”

 “I believe that the people we love are with us always.  I don’t believe the ties we had with them in life would evaporate in death.  I believe that there have been so many people who have seen their loved ones after death that there could be something to it. Why?” He asks.

 “Earlier on before you came.... I was sitting outside and was.... Not doing that good.” I tell him looking at the floor.  “And she was there and I spoke to her.  I could see her and feel her and talk to her and it was just like she was here with me again.  Do you think I’m mad?” I then ask him.

 He shakes his head.

 “Jan’s life was cut very short and everyone's been so affected by it.  It was so unexpected and so quick that I think she would want to come back and say the things she always thought she had more time to say.  I think if people are taken away that quickly and unexpectedly then they do tend to have unfinished business. I’m sure that Jan was one of those people who would want to come back and reassure the people she loved most that she’s okay and tell them how worried she is for them during the grieving process.”

 “You really don’t think I’m mad?” I ask him.

 He smiles at me warmly and puts an arm around my shoulder.

 “No I don’t.  She was your angel here Sam, now she is wherever it is we go to when we die.  I suppose no-one will really know if it was Jan's spirit you saw and spoke to or whether it was a dream, but if she could get here to help you and to reassure you she’s okay and safe and that she’s with you and Cass then I’m sure she’d do it.”

 “She said she was worried for you.” I tell him watching as a saddened expression appears on his face.

 “She did?” He asks as if unable to believe it.

 “She did.  She’s so worried for you.  She’s so sorry that you saw what you did.  She wishes you hadn’t.”

 “I do too.” He admits.

 “She wants you to know that she’s with you Daniel.  She wants you to know how much it meant to her that you were there when she.... She told me that if I couldn’t be there she was glad it had been you.  She was so grateful she didn’t have to die alone.”

 “She was never alone.” He tells me.

 “I know.” I reply softly so grateful for everything he did for my Jan.  For how he protected her and watched over and was always there when she needed him.... When we both needed him.

 “She told me I had to watch over you for her you know?” I tell him. “She wants to watch you from heaven and wants me to watch you here.  Doesn’t that show you how special you were to her?”

 He smiled.

 “I’m never going to be able to shower again.” He comments cheekily making me laugh.

  I get up off the chair and walk over to the table, picking up the envelope with his name on.  I walk back to the sofa and hold it out to him.  He looks at me puzzled.

 “A couple of weeks before she died Jan had a nightmare.  She was crying and screaming in her sleep and when she woke up, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t comfort her or settle her.  She told me she had something that had to be done before she slept and she sat up writing.  She wrote a letter for Cass and me and then this...for you.”

 He reaches out, his hands shaking and takes the letter out of my hands and into his own.  For a moment he just stares at it as if scared to open it up and read the words inside.  One of the last ties that he has with Janet is in his hand and I can see he’s afraid to read it, just like Cass and I were.

 I rub his back tenderly.

 “She sensed it was going to happen Dan.” I tell him sadly.

 “I can see that.  Why didn’t she say anything?” He asks me tearfully.

  “She didn’t want to worry me, you, Cass or anybody. We couldn’t have stopped it Daniel you know that.  She would have gone whether she knew what was going to happen or not.  First and foremost she was a Doctor and she went there to save Lieutenant Wells’ life.  She would have done that whatever the cost because that was who she was. ”

  “She was very brave.”  He tells me.

 “So were you before your ascension.   You were both doing something for the greater good and I couldn’t be prouder of you. “ I tell him honestly. 

  “That was a difficult time for you...my ascension...”

 “Of course it was.  Dan you’re my best friend and you were Jan's best friend.  She fought so hard to save you and when she couldn’t...it was so hard for all of us and such a sad time.  She felt so guilty.  She was devastated that she couldn’t do anything more for you...much like what you’re feeling now.  Just think she had the medical expertise that you lacked on the planet she died, but she couldn’t save you even with all that knowledge. She was so torn apart by it and so haunted.   But we got you back Daniel, Jan’s not coming back.” I whisper wiping my puffy eyes.
 
 Daniel pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. I notice the letter still unopened in his hands.

 “Do you want a minute?” I ask him motioning to the letter.

  “No I’d uh..Like it if you were here.” He tells me and I can see him silently bracing himself.

 I rub his back again comfortingly, watching as he opens the letter, and then to give him a bit of privacy I walk over to the window and look out at the stars wondering if Janet is among them.  I turn back a couple of minutes later to see tears falling from his piercing blue eyes and a soft smile on his face.

   “You okay?”  I ask him quietly walking back over to him and sitting at his side.

  “Are you?” He replies.

  “Okay stupid question.” I reply smiling. 

 “She really did have a beautiful heart didn’t she?” He tells me, his eyes focusing on the letter again, now seeming more comforted than he had been since that awful day.

 “The most beautiful.” I reply meaning it from the very depths of my own heart, thinking of all the lives Janet had saved and touched and how doting a mother and lover she had been through all of her days.

 “Would you like to read it?” He asks holding the letter out to me.

I push it back to him and smile touched that he’d want to share something so special with me.

 “Those words are for you and you alone Daniel.  You treasure them okay? Along with her memory.  Promise me you won’t forget her.” I plead with him.

 “I don’t think I ever could.” He reassures me. Using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

 “And promise me that you won’t keep blaming yourself for her death.  She doesn’t blame you, I don’t blame you, and Cass doesn’t blame you...none of us do.  You have to stop torturing yourself.  She doesn’t want that and I don’t either.  I know it hurts Daniel...trust me I’m hurting too so much, but if you keep on like this.... We all have to be there for each other right now Dan. I need you all more than ever and I can see that you need us too.  She hasn’t left us, she’s right here with us, and I know it. We can’t keep remembering her death instead of who she was.” I tell him trying to convince myself as well as him that we need to stop blaming ourselves and regretting things left unsaid and just remember the times we spent with such a wonderful woman and how blessed we are to have had her in our lives and still watching over us now.
 
  “In time I’m sure that it’ll be easier to do that...but right now...”

 “Yeah.” I reply sadly knowing it’s all well and good to say these things but a lot harder to actually do them. 

  While I want to remember Janet for the person she was and for all the things she accomplished in her life and the time we spent together, which was the most cherished time of my life, right now, every time I remember her I feel so unbelievably sad.   It just hits me so hard the way she was cruelly stolen away and how lifeless and fragile she looked when I saw her back at the base.  The memories for Daniel, I realise, must be much, much worse.

  “Thank you for calling me.  I needed this, and thank you for giving me her letter.  Inside my head isn’t a very nice place to be right now and keeping things to myself...I just want to protect you, you know? From what I saw and from how it makes me feel. It‘s pretty unbearable.” He explains unable to look at me.

 “You don’t need to protect me Daniel and you can’t keep it all bottled up.  I can’t imagine the things you see inside your head at the moment but they might be easier to deal with if you share them, even if it is with me.” I tell him unable to bear the thought of how terrible what he saw must have been, and how much it must be hurting him to keep seeing Jan's death in his mind over and over again, though knowing how hard I’d find it to hear about those things.

 “Thank you but I couldn’t do that to you.” He tells me protectively, his blue eyes shining.

 “Just don’t let yourself fall to pieces Dan.  I know we’re all doing pretty well at that at the moment but I don’t want you completely falling apart because you’re keeping this to yourself.  I wouldn’t forgive myself and Jan wouldn’t want that to happen because of her not being around.  She was my partner Daniel and she was your best friend, I owe it to both of you to help you through this.”

 He smiles at me gratefully and kisses my forehead softly.

 “You know if you ever need anything...” he tells me putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it.

 I nod knowing he’d be the first person I’d call.

 “I know.” I reply softly.  “The same goes for you, you know that right? You know where I am if you need to do this again?”

 He nods.
 
“I still can’t believe she that sensed it...that she wrote these letters They’re like the last little piece of her.” He tells me quietly.

  “Yeah I know.  Cass sat with ours for hours reading every word like it could bring Jan back.  It’s hard to know that it can’t.”

 “But at least we have a little piece of her left.  She cared enough to do this for us, to comfort us when she had a feeling we were going to need it.  That's special because whenever we need her, in a way she’s here through her words and in our hearts.” He tells me.

 As he says those words a gentle breeze flows between us, touching our faces, and then almost as quickly as it came it went.
 
 “Did you...?” He begins.

 “Yeah.... Wow.  That was definitely my little one. She said to me earlier that if I ever felt the wind caress my cheek...”

 “She said that in my letter too.  She’s still with you Sam, watching over you and guiding you...she really is your angel.”

 “Not just mine, you felt it too.”

  “ She’s with us all.  I think she needs us to remember that.” He tells me.

 “I think you’re right.” I reply, touching my cheek where I felt the gentle breeze caress it and smiling a little.

  Daniel yawns.

 “Look why don’t you stay here tonight? The sofa’s pretty comfy.” I tell him wanting to keep an eye on him and concerned for him driving back home when he’s so tired and distracted.

 “I don’t want to impose while you and Cass are grieving.” He tells me, gently lifting himself up off the chair, the letter still in his hands, and placing her jacket carefully back on the arm of the sofa.

 “You’re grieving too and you’re shattered Daniel.  I don’t want you driving like this. I’d feel better knowing you were here.” I tell him putting a hand on his arm and gently pushing him back down.  “Please do this for me? I’m worried about you.  Besides Cass would love to see you and she’s fast asleep at the moment.”

 “Okay, as long as I’m not imposing.”

  “You’re not.  I’ll go grab some blankets and a duvet for you.  You just get settled.” I tell him kissing him on the forehead before leaving the room. I make my way upstairs to get some blankets for the haunted man who has meant so much to Jan and I since we first met.  A man who is now in pieces along with so many more of us that my darling lover has left behind.

 As I go to get some blankets I peep into our room and check on Cass.  She’s fast asleep on Janet's side of the bed, her mothers teddy bear pulled close to her.   She looks so peaceful, but her cheeks are still red from all the crying she’s done since her mothers passing, tears that I haven’t been able to stop falling from her wise young eyes, a young heart that hasn’t begun to heal yet.

 I walk over to her quietly so as not to wake her and sit on the bed beside her watching her sleep, stroking her long blond hair off her face. She looks so innocent.  So angelic. Looking at her now you’d hardly be able to believe all the grief and trauma our sweet daughter has been through in her short life.

 As I watch her I think back to the moment she came into our lives and the strong bond that had immediately developed between us during her time on the base.  I would have done anything to protect that little girl since the very first moment we found her and I still would. I’d do absolutely anything to make sure she was safe and happy and that she knows how loved she is.

   Janet has done such a good job raising Cass and helping her through everything she's had to deal with.  I was always so proud every time I saw Janet with Cass. So proud as I watched Cassie grow into the young woman she is now.  So compassionate and caring just like her mother.  I always wonder if I’d have done as well if I’d adopted Cassie but then Janet and I wouldn‘t have happened.  Janet wouldn‘t have had the little girl brought into her life that had changed it. The little girl who she said was one of the best things that ever happened to her, probably the best.   Janet and Cass belonged together, they fit together as mother and daughter and had such a bond that no-body could break it. She loved being a mother so much. 

 Now though Jan has been taken away from us.  Now I have to take care of Cass without her.  I know I can do it, I love that little girl so much and that bond that we built the first few days we met is still one that exists now and one I cherish. I just hope I can keep her mothers memory alive and that I will be able to look after her in a way that Janet would be proud of.

  As Cassie turns over, still fast asleep, I pull the duvet up over her and tuck her in gently.  I kiss her on the forehead and continue to watch her, our little girl, peacefully asleep.

 A few minutes later I kiss her again on the cheek and then go and get the blankets for Daniel.  I can’t believe how much he’s been torturing himself over this.  I can understand why he has, he was right there as she lay dying and couldn’t do a thing for her, and from Jan's experience when Daniel had ascended I know exactly what he’s going through.  I had to see her going through the same thing, and never had I felt so helpless as the woman I loved tortured herself every day for so long. He feels so guilty, like it’s his fault that she’s gone and I can’t bear it, just like I couldn’t bear seeing Jan beating herself up over the fact that with all her medical knowledge she couldn’t save our friend what must have been a year ago now almost. 

 I hope my words tonight have comforted him.  Just having him here and talking about Jan has comforted me more than I can ever express to him. I hope Janet's words in the letter she left for him comforted him too. She doesn’t blame him for this, and hearing him say that he thought she’d be wishing it were him who had died and not her tear at my heart.  Janet was never the kind of person to think that way, she would never wish her passing on anyone else and I can’t bear that he thinks that the woman that blessed our days could be angry with him for living while she passed on.  That was never the kind of woman she was.   I only hope that with time he can accept what happened for what it was, a tragic end to the life of a dear friend, lover and mother...a beautiful and accomplished life.  Not something he should be blaming himself for.  Not the day that he should have died so I could still be with her.

 I’ve never seen him so haunted before.  Even when Shau’ri died I never saw him like this, but then what he saw that day must have been terrible. No one can prepare himself or herself for death. I know that.  I’ve seen so many colleagues and people on the many planets we’ve visited killed and no matter how many times you‘re confronted by it nothing can stop the grief.  For it to happen to someone you’re close to thought ...someone you love, who’s just taken away right in front of you, and then to see them laying there bleeding with nothing else to be done...

  It’s hard enough for me to think about Jan’s passing and I didn’t see it, but for Daniel it must be torture.  It was hard that day for me to see the Colonel hit.  It’s something that keeps playing in my mind over and over now because my Jan had to go through the same pain that he did although hers only lasted a second before she passed away.   For Daniel though, he had to see her hit, and hear her scream, and to see how unexpected and cruel it was.  He had to see her laying there lifeless, her eyes still open...he had to see that and now he has to live with it every day.  I don’t think I could do it.  I don’t know how he’s even beginning to do it. 

  All I want is to be able to help Daniel through this but I’m not sure where to start. All I know is Jan wants me to watch over him.  She wants him to know how much he meant to her and how grateful she is to have had him there when she needed someone most.  I’m grateful for that too because she was so loved that she never deserved to die alone. She never deserved to die at all...but she has, and he was there and I’m so thankful she was with someone who loved her, though sad in a way that it wasn’t me. 

 Grieving is such a painful process. One that lingers and hurts and is all encompassing.  Even though I know Janet’s with us, watching over us, protecting us and guiding us, and most of all loving us from where she is now it doesn’t make it any easier that she’s not here.  In time I’m sure our days will get less dark.  I’m sure that it’ll be easier to take every breath and to get through the day without tears clouding our vision or an incredible pain in our hearts because of our loss.  But with her passing a part of each of us was taken away, and it’s something we’ll never get back.  She’s forever in our hearts.  Never to be forgotten and always to be loved because Daniels right, the ties that we have with our loved ones in life don’t evaporate in death. They’re still there, maybe stronger than before as we reach out to them with our tears.   I’m convinced that gentle breeze we both felt as we were talking earlier was Jan showing us just that.  That whenever our hearts reach
 to her, whenever we need her the most she’ll be there with us always, just as she was in life and that comforts me a little.  Even though not physically here she hasn’t left us in spirit or in our hearts, and as long as we remember her she will, in some way, be alive. Knowing that makes the grief easier to deal with somehow, but it also makes me miss her all the more.

  I was never sure if I believed in life after death but tonight my mind’s a lot more open to it.  Jan was always the kind of person who would want to come back to comfort her loved ones and say the words that she never got to say. Tonight she has, and while part of me screams out that it was a dream or a hallucination, deep in my heart I know my girl really was here.  I know that she was here to reassure me of her love, to reassure me she’s safe and sound and at peace, and to reassure me that one day we will meet again amongst the stars.  

   After finding the blankets I make my way downstairs and back into the lounge where Daniel is asleep peacefully on the sofa.  I carefully place the blanket over him so he doesn’t get cold; hoping that tonight he doesn’t have the nightmares that have been plaguing him since Jan's passing.   I then go around the house and turn off all the lights, every room reminding me of Jan, the house the quietest it’s been since I’ve lived here.  The house so quiet without her laughter. 

 Finally I walk back into the lounge and check on Daniel once more.  He’s still fast asleep.  I smile to myself.  He looks so sweet, like a little boy away in the land of dreams.  You wouldn’t think lying there was the man who had been crying in my arms earlier.

 “Watch over him in his sleep my darling.  Let him have sweet dreams.  And watch over our baby too.” I ask quietly looking up at the ceiling as if expecting some kind of reply or sign that she heard me.

  There’s nothing.

 Yawning I make my way upstairs, change and wash and then climb into bed, Cassie still fast asleep at my side.

  I turn to face her, stroke her blond hair away from her rosy cheeks, and watch her facial expressions change in her sleep. I find myself in awe of our daughter and how she’s grown from the little girl she was when she first arrived to the young woman that she is today. When she first came here, some nights when she had nightmares about her home planet, both Janet and I used to sit and watch her together until she fell asleep again.  She wouldn’t even try and sleep again unless one or both of us sat with her until she drifted off.  Those nights were some of the most precious.  We could sit and watch her for hours, just enjoying each other’s company and looking at her little face.  As she got older she didn’t need us to do that anymore, but now once again I find myself in awe of her, just like when I watched her when she was little, only now I’m doing it without Janet.

 “Sweet dreams our little girl.” I whisper softly to our daughter before tiredly closing my eyes and willing sleep to come.

 “Sweet dreams my Sammie.” I hear whispered in my ear as a tender kiss is planted on my cheek by our angel and I drift off into my first peaceful sleep since her passing.

 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  The air is cold as we stand here, the wind chilling us to the bone.  It’s so silent.  There are no birds singing, the trees aren’t even rustling with the wind, everything’s just so still and so surreal.  It’s like we're stuck in some bad dream. But we all know it’s not a dream.  We know she’s gone.  We know it now because we’ve just laid her to rest, in this silent cemetery, the sky full of dark clouds and a light rain falling.

 I look around me at the colleagues and friends that are still here, half an hour after my Jan's coffin has been lowered into the ground, offering their silent support.  Colonel Jack O’Neill, his expression filled with pain from the wound he has sustained is standing at one side of me.  He’s still supposed to be in the Infirmary but wanted to come and pay his respects to the doctor who had healed him and saved his life countless times.  For all of his bravado and humour I can tell that Jan’s death has affected him a lot.  The pair of them had such a similar sense of humour that whenever they were brought together in the Infirmary or around the base that they bounced off one another, teasing one another and winding each other up.  He had a lot of respect for Jan, it was apparent even throughout his teasing her and his sarcasm, and it was a mutual respect.  Now he’s living with the fact that he got hit and survived while she died and I can see it’s not easy for him to say goodb
 ye. I can see him thinking it should have been him.

 Teal’c is standing at Jack’s side, his face solemn.  He truly has been my rock since Jan's passing.  He and Daniel both have been so supportive.  I truly couldn’t ask for better friends than the people I have here with me now.  I can see Teal’c occasionally glancing over at me, silently asking if I’m all right, but most of the time his eyes are focused on her grave.   He’s finding it hard to believe she’s gone I think.  Like so many others of us are.  He made it one of his duties to protect Jan but this time he couldn’t.  No one could protect her and now we’re not going to see that little ray of sunshine walk among us again.  I swear I see a tear slip down his cheek.

  General Hammond is standing beside Teal’c.  He was like a father to Jan and I know he feels her loss to be the loss of a daughter.  From his words after her passing I could see that her loss is one of the hardest he’d have to bear.  She was under his command, but she was also his friend.  Someone he had grown close to and had the utmost respect for.  Someone he too wanted to protect and look after, and now she’s been taken away from him.  He’s always been like a father to me too and it pains me to see him so solemn and sombre.  He’s such a kind man.  Cass once described him as a teddy bear. He must have seen so much death during his time in the military, but this...I think he’s finding this one of the more difficult.

  On the other side of me is Cass.    No matter how hard I try and console her she won’t be consoled.  She’s just seen her beloved mother laid to rest and nothings going to ease the pain she’s experiencing today.  It’s so final isn’t it...? When you see someone you love lowered into the ground like that.  I think it’s just hit her that her mother really has gone.  I don’t think those tears are going to stop for a while yet and I don’t think she’ll ever stop wondering why it had to happen.  I don’t think any of us will.  All I can do is be the best parent I can be, and do everything I can to let her know that she’s so loved and never alone.  I only hope that I’m the good mother Jan always thought I could be.

 Next to Cass is Daniel.  I can see he’s barely holding it together as we stand by her grave.  His blue eyes are shining with tears and his face is pale and gaunt.  Since the night he spent at ours he’s been a little better in himself.  He’s been more like the Daniel we know and love, helping us with our grief and letting us help him deal with his, but now it seems that the tortured Daniel I saw that night he came to ours has reappeared.  The Daniel who collapsed in tears in my arms because he was bottling up his grief, keeping it all deep in his heart until he just had to fall to pieces.  The Daniel who was broken, his heart torn.  He keeps seeing what brought us to this point in time.  He keeps seeing her in a way he’d rather not.  I wish he could see her at peace instead of lying on the ground bleeding and... Gone.  I wish he could truly stop blaming himself for Janet's passing, but looking at him now I see so many different things on his face, so many different conflicts
 and feelings raging inside of him that I wouldn’t even know where to start helping him.  Now he’s truly had to face saying his goodbyes and instead of seeing her being laid to rest he just sees her being shot down in front of him, and his being unable to help her tearing so many lives apart.

  As for me...I’m coping... I think.  I’m trying my hardest to hold things together but I know that they can all see through the facade.  They can sense I'm really falling apart. The truth is I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.  Never in my mind had I been able to picture these days. The grief that has been all consuming, the torture that I’ve been going through, the love that fills my heart for the woman who is no longer here...the day when I’d have to see her coffin lowered into the ground and it truly hits me how far away from me she really is now.  It means so much to me having these people around me, I’m so blessed to have such wonderful friends, and all have lost someone...maybe even more than one person in their lives and got through it okay before.... But it’s so hard to see myself getting through this right now and carrying on a life she was part of without her by my side.

 I don’t want to be looking at a grave.  I want to be looking at her, alive and smiling and laughing.  I want to be holding her and to have her kiss me and tell me how much she loves me and Cass, and to tell her I love her back with all my heart and soul, I don’t want to be alone like this.  That’s the thing about death though isn’t it?  It’s hardly ever expected and you’re hardly ever prepared for it.  You just take it for granted that it will happen later rather than sooner and very often because of that there’s so much left unsaid.  I’d give anything to have her here with me but she really, truly is gone now.  Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, and while I know that she’ll be with us in our hearts and souls and in all of our memories, I know she’ll never truly be among us again.

  “The service was beautiful.” Comes a voice from behind me and I feel a strong hand placed on my shoulder, squeezing it.

 I turn around to see my father there, his brown eyes solemn.

 “Do you think she would think so?” I ask him quietly.

 He puts his fingers under my chin and props it up so I’m looking right into my eyes.

 “You know she would have Sammie.” He whispers kissing me on the forehead tenderly.

  “I feel so lost dad.” I whisper tearfully and honestly wanting so much for him to take me in his arms, wave some magic wand and make it all okay again.

 “I know my darling.” He replies rubbing my back comfortingly like I was a little girl again.

 I look up at him, my eyes filling with tears and I can tell that he’s finding it hard to see his daughter like this.

 “Why dad? Why did it have to happen to her? Why?” I ask him breaking down.

 He pulls me into his strong arms and rocks me gently, and suddenly, for a moment, I feel as if everything’s going to be all right again because I’m in my fathers’ arms and fathers can make everything better. But deep down I know they're not going to be all right again and I cling on to him for dear life, never wanting him to let go.

   “She meant the world to you didn’t she?” He whispers into my hair, so quietly that only I can catch it.

 I look down at the grass, afraid to answer.

 “Sammie...?” He whispers softly and tearfully.

 “I wanted to tell you dad. It’s just with the military Jan and I...we.... I thought you...”

 He puts his thumb over my lips to quieten me and looks at me, deep into my blue eyes.

 “Sammie I just want you to be happy and I’m so glad that she brought such happiness to you and to your life.  She was a lovely young woman and you were perfect for each other.” He tells me softly.

 “You’re telling me that because she’s gone.  If she was here...” I start unable to believe that he had known all along of my feelings for Janet, and so scared that he’s saying just what he thinks I want to hear.

 “I’d say the same.  Sammie your happiness means more to me than anything.  I’m not disappointed in you.  I’m not angry with you...I’m happy that she brought some sunshine into your life...and I’m so sorry that she’s gone.” He tells me, a tear falling down his cheek.  “I just wanted you to know that.” He tells me kissing the top of my head
 
 “Oh dad...it means so much to hear you say that.” I tell him putting my arms around my father and resting his head on my chest.

 “You’re my little girl Sam and I love you. All I ever want for you is for you to follow your heart and to be happy and if you were happy with Janet I accept that I really do.  I just wish that you didn’t have to go through this sweetheart.” He soothes me.

 “You think I want to be going through this? Dad...I.... I....”

 “What Sam?” He asks me putting both his hands on my shoulders and once again looking right at me.

 “I loved her dad.” I tell him, so frightened of his reaction.

 “Oh Sammie...” He whispers pulling me close to him again.  “I know.  Don’t ever be afraid to say it.  She wouldn’t want that.” He then tells me rocking me again.
 
 “But I can’t even tell them how I felt...not how I really felt. The only people who knew were Daniel and Cassie.”

 “It must make this so hard for you.” He comments softly.

 I nod and sniffle as the tears begin to fall again.

 “It’s not fair dad.” I tell him tearfully.

 “I know.  Baby I know.” He tells me holding me as I cry.  “But I’m here now, as long as you need me.”

 “ But what about...?”

 “You are the most important thing in the world to me sweetheart and I’m not leaving you when you need me...so if you’ll have me then I’d like to stay with you and Cass for a while...just while you find your feet.” He tells me softly.

 I nod.

 “I’d like that.” I reply with a small smile, so relieved to have my fathers support.

  He smiles sadly.

 “You would have liked her a lot dad.” I tell him truthfully.

 “I’m sure I would.” He replies kissing my nose.

 We’re interrupted by the approach of the General, Teal’c and Jack who’s obviously very uncomfortable because of his injury.

 “We’re going to head back to mine now, the others left here a while ago and as the wakes at mine and I‘m her they’re kind of locked out.” Jack tells me sheepishly.

 I smile a little.

 “Did you want a lift or anything...?” He then asks me softly and I can see the concern in his eyes.

 “No it’s okay...I think Cass and I would like some more time here.  I think maybe Daniel would too.” I comment glancing at Daniel who nods.

 “Okay.  Take as long as you need all right? We’ll all be there for you when you arrive.” He tells me putting a hand gently on my shoulder.

 “Thank you.” I reply gratefully. “How...?” I start motioning to his wound.

 “It’s sore.  Very sore actually but at least I’m here.” He mentions looking at Janet's grave sadly.  “She was an amazing woman the Doc.  She’s going to be missed very much.  She saved so many lives. I just wish I got to tell her how thankful I am for all of the times she saved mine.” He tells me regretfully.

 “I’m sure she knows Jack.” I reassure him.

 “I liked her you know? She was a good person, an amazing Doctor and a doting mother. She was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.  Who am I going to exchange insults with now?” He asks me trying to lighten the mood a little.

 “She liked you too.” I reply.

 “She was very brave Sam.  You should be proud kiddo.” He tells Cass looking at her and smiling a little.

 “I was always proud.” She replies honestly then walking over to Jack and hugging him gently so as not to hurt him.  “I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She tells him softly; though seeming to sense how much pain he’s in physically and emotionally.

 “You’re going to be okay Cass.” He tells her softly.

 She nods quietly and then walks back over to Daniel.

 “Well I’ll see you back at mine okay?” Jack says quietly hugging me and then Cass, and then walking over to Daniel and patting him on the back softly.

 “Major Carter, I too will see you at O'Neill's.” Teal’c tells me walking over to me.   “You honoured her memory well Samantha.” Teal’c then tells me bringing tears to my eyes.

 “Thank you Teal’c.” I reply honestly as he pulls me into a hug.

 As Teal’c walks over to Cassie and Daniel the General walks over to me.

 “Teal’cs right Sam you did honour her memory well. I’ve never been prouder, or sadder than I feel today.” He tells me softly.  “I’ll see you back at Colonel O'Neill's.” He then tells me hugging me too before walking over to Janet's grave and laying down a lily he had been holding in his hands.

 I look at my father.

 “I’m going to go back to Jacks with George and the boys.  I get the feeling the three of you need this time alone.”

 I smile at him gratefully.

 “I love you dad.” I tell him kissing him on the cheek.

 “I love you too.” He replies affectionately.  “See you in a little while.” He tells me cupping my cheeks in his hands and kissing my forehead before motioning for the others to follow him to the cars so we can have some time alone.

 As the others leave I pull Cass into my arms and kiss her on the top of her head.

 “You holding up okay baby girl?” I ask her softly.

 She shrugs.

 “How about you?” She asks me in reply and looking up at me a little concerned.
 
 I shrug too.

 “The flowers are beautiful.” She comments looking at all of the flowers that surround her mothers’ grave.

 “They are.  She was very much loved.” I tell Cass amazed by the sheer volume of bouquets that lay in a colourful tribute to my lover and her mother.

 “So are you.” Cassie tells me quietly. 

 “You too baby.” I reply affectionately.

 I kiss the top of her head tenderly and we watch as Daniel walks over to Jan’s grave and kneels down at the side of it, tracing his fingers along the words on the headstone, then placing a rose in front of it.

  “He loved mom didn’t he?” Cassie asks me tearfully watching Daniel. 

  “He did sweetheart.  He really did.” I reply. 

 “And he had to watch her die.  That’s so horrible. “ She tells me, an incredible sadness in her voice.

 “It is, but at least she wasn’t alone sweetheart.  I couldn’t bear to think of her dying on her own.” I tell our girl softly.

 “It seems so final now.  It’s like the last few day’s we’ve been in some sort of limbo but now...” she comments looking at her mothers grave sadly.

 “I know.” I reply softly.  “But at least she’s at peace now Cass.  At least she’s at rest.” I tell the young woman, at least grateful for that.

 Cassie nods watching Daniel as he solemnly walks back over to us.

 “Can I go and look at the flowers?” She asks me quietly.

 “Of course you can baby.” I tell her keeping an eye on her as she goes to have a look, then turning to Daniel.

 “Is everything okay with you and your father?” He asks me softly putting a hand on my back.

 “Yeah, it really is.” I tell him smiling.  “He uh...he’d guessed about Jan and I and... He was okay with it.  He’s just so sorry I’ve lost her.”

 “Me too.” Daniel replies putting an arm around me.  “You’ve done her proud today Sam.  I bet she’s looking down on you right now so grateful for such a beautiful send off.” He tells me softly.

  “I hope so.  I hope she knows how much I love her.  How much I wanted to make our goodbye to her a special one.”

 “And you did.  Where did you find those words...the ones that are on her headstone?  They’re beautiful.” He tells me as we watch Cassandra tearfully reading the cards on the beautiful flowers that surround her mothers’ grave.

  “They were in her letter to Cass and me.  It was one of her favourite songs before she...” I start tearfully still unable to bring myself to say the word. 

 “It’s a lovely tribute.” He tells me rubbing my back.

 “Thank you.” I reply gratefully.  “Today's been really hard on you hasn’t it?” I ask him.  “I know it’s hard on all of us, but for you....” I start rubbing my already tired eyes.

 “I’m okay Sam really.” He reassures me unconvincingly.

 I sigh.  I wish just this one time he’d stop trying to protect me from how he’s feeling and what he’s going though.  I know he’s doing it for my benefit. I know that he’s trying his hardest to make the day a little easier for me, even if it does mean he’s having to keep a lot of his feelings to himself, but I'd rather he didn’t.  I’d rather he let me in a little because grieving or not he’s still my friend and I don't want him to keep his pain to himself when he needs to talk about it.  I would never forgive myself if I found out how bad he was feeling and he felt that he couldn’t come to me about it.

 “Stop pretending Daniel I can see you’re not okay.” I tell him.  “Just let me in. You were opening up before. What changed?” I ask him.

 “It’s because of me that she’s here. Because I couldn’t save her.  Every time I see that headstone I see her getting hit and I see me beside her unable to do a thing for her.   I feel so guilty all over again, especially seeing everyone today in mourning.  It shouldn‘t have happened Sam.  It shouldn‘t have happened to her...of all people.  She was always trying to save lives, how could someone take hers?” He asks me breaking down in tears.  “Why couldn’t it be me instead of her?” He asks me.

 I take him into my arms and kiss his head.

 “Don’t say that.” I reply breaking down myself, my body overcome with sobs.  “Don’t think that Daniel please.”

 “But at least then you’d still have her Sam.” He tells me tearfully.

 “Yeah and we’d be here grieving for you.  Daniel as much as I hate what’s happened to her, as much as I can barely think of the day ahead at the moment, I don’t want you to think it should be you gone instead of her, and you know she wouldn’t want you to think that.  I know it’s easy for me to say and hard for you to do but you need to stop feeling guilty for this.  You need to do it for me, for Cass and for Jan.  It’s hard I know. Terrible things keep replaying in your mind, but she wouldn’t want you to torture yourself, and if she’s watching over you right now I bet she’s so worried for you.”

  He looks up at the sky as if expecting to see her, tears still filling his piercing blue eyes.

 “You know what you said about you seeing her outside the house? And how you spoke to her and you could feel her.... Just like she was really here?” He asks me quietly.

 I nod.

 “That night when I was at yours...when you went upstairs...I saw her.” He tells me looking at the ground.

 “You did?” I ask quietly, unable to believe he hasn’t told me this before.

 “She was sitting on the chair opposite me...just looking at me really sadly” He tells me softly.

 “What did she say?” I ask him realising how crazy this would sound to someone who didn’t really know us.

 “That she was sorry.  She was so sorry that I had to see what I did and that she was so sorry I was in so much pain because of it.  She told me she didn’t want to leave but that it was her time...and that she was at peace now...and she told me she missed us all so much and would always be with us whenever our hearts called out to her...she told me to watch over you both and I promised I would...and she thanked me for being there when she passed on and for not letting her be alone...She thanked me for being her best friend Sam, and for everything I’d done for all of you...for watching over you.... And she told me it wasn’t my fault.” He whispers getting it all off his chest.

 “Then believe her Daniel.” I tell him softly. 

 “You saw mom?” Comes a voice from beside us and I realise Cassie is standing beside us.  “Both of you saw her?” She repeats.

 “Well Cass the truth is we don’t know.... It could have been a dream it...”

 “No it was her.” Cassie replies adamantly.  “Well not physically but it was her spirit I know it was” She tells us.

  We both look at her confused.

 “I saw her too.” She tells us both quietly as if scared to admit it.  “The same night you did.... I woke up when Daniel was round and I wanted to call you because I was so sad.... But I could hear Daniel was upset and....I was crying...and she was there. She told me that she loved me so much...how I was her little girl and always would be.... And that it’d all be okay.... That you’d take care of me...” She tells me tears streaming down her pretty cheeks.  “And she told me how sorry she was that she had to leave us...and how if she’d had the chance to fight she would have because she couldn’t bear the thought that I’d lost another mom...and she didn’t want me to blame you Daniel...and she didn’t want you to blame yourself and she wanted me to let you know that because she doesn’t want to be the cause of any pain in your life...” Cassandra tells us. “And she sat with me until I fell asleep and she was stroking my hair.... And I could feel her doing it.  It was her.” She tells
 us tearfully.

 “Oh sweetheart why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t either of you say anything? I ask them both taking Cassie into my arms and rocking her gently.

 “I thought you’d think I was nuts or something.” Cassie tells me sniffing.

 “Honey your mom loved you so, so, much. If there was any way she could have comforted you she would have. I believe what I saw that night was her trying to let me know she‘s okay...and I believe it was the same for you...and Daniel.” I tell her honestly.

 “It was her Sam...she was there.... And I know she’s not coming back again. I know that she's physically gone but she is with us in our hearts and that night just showed how she‘s watching over us.  Like she said she’ll always be with us when we need her.  Even today.” Cass tells me putting her arms around me tightly.

  I notice Daniels attention has shifted from us to another point in the graveyard and I see two figures walking towards us. One I recognise as Lieutenant Wells and the other....

 “Oh my god...Jonas?” I call as he walks over to us a baby in his arms, shocked to see the young man who had proven to be an invaluable member of SG-1.

 “I’m so sorry I missed the service. I would have liked to have been there to pay my respects.... I can’t believe it.” He tells me looking at Janet’s grave so sadly that it seems as if any moment he too could break. 
 
 “How...? I can’t believe you’re here.” I tell him tearfully, so happy to see my dear friend has come to say goodbye to the woman I love.

 “Daniel sent a message to my home world that Janet had been hit by a staff blast and killed.  He told me today was the funeral...I wanted to be here.” He tells me.  “She was my friend...and so are you. I couldn’t not say goodbye to such a special person Sam. I needed to come here today and let you know how much I think of you both.”

 I look at Daniel and smile in thanks, watching as he walks over to Lieutenant Wells and then takes the baby off Jonas, whispering baby talk to her softly.

 Jonas immediately pulls me into his embrace.

  “I’m sure Janet would be pleased to know you’re here.  She thought a lot of you, you know?” I tell him still in shock at his arrival, wiping my eyes.

  “I thought a lot of her too.  She was always so kind to me.  She was always letting me know that no matter how much I thought I didn’t belong on Earth that in her eyes I did.  She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met.  She made me feel at home and she saved my life.   She meant a lot to me.” He tells me looking once again at her grave with such sadness that I can feel it radiating off him.
 
 “Hearing that means a lot to me.  I’m glad she made such a difference to your time here Jonas.  I’m sorry if others didn’t.”

  “It’s okay.  It’s all water under the bridge.” He reassures me.  “Today I’m here for Janet...nothing else.  Do you mind if I...” He asks me motioning towards the grave.

 I shake my head and watch as he goes over to Lieutenant Wells who hands him one of two lilies he’s holding.  He walks over the Janet's grave and kneels down, placing the lily at the foot of her headstone.

 “I can honestly say that you were my angel while I was here on Earth.  You were a person who let me know that I didn’t have to keep proving myself all the time and that for the time I spent here on this planet that this was my home.  You accepted me for who I was without question, you accepted all the things that some people wouldn’t consider the norm... and you became a friend...a dear friend who saved my life...a gift that I am so thankful for. You are going to be truly missed Janet and while I haven’t known you for very long or been here for the last months of your life I wanted to come and to say that you have always been in my thoughts, even if I couldn’t be here myself to say it. I just wanted to say thank you to you today for saving me, for accepting me and for being the kind and sweet person that will be missed both here and by me on my world.  I’ll never forget what you did for me during my time here...and I hope with all my heart you’re at peace now.” He says sadly
 , playing with a blade of grass for minute while composing himself, before getting up and walking over to us all.

 “Those were beautiful words Jonas.  Thank you.” I tell him, Cassandra smiling too at the knowledge that someone had come so far and said such lovely things about her mother.

 “They were the truth.  From my heart.” He tells me solemnly.

 I put an arm around him and rub his back.

 “Can I...” Lieutenant Wells asks me looking at Janet's grave.

 I nod quietly watching as the man Janet died saving limps over to her grave and slowly places the lily on the grass in front of her headstone.

 “I guess we take for granted that we have years ahead of us until we die...even in our careers I don’t think I ever expected...I wanted to say thank you Doc and to say that I’m sorry. Thank you for saving my life and for doing all that you could for me on that planet.... And sorry...I’m so sorry that you died while you were doing it.  I got to see my baby because of you...I have a baby daughter now...she’s just perfect.... You would have loved her.  We named her Janet...”

 I look at the baby girl in Daniels arms having heard Wells’ words.

 “She’s called Janet?” I ask him, my mouth open wide.

 “Jan died saving his life...he thought it was only right his daughter was named after the woman who saved him...” Daniel whispers as Wells breaks down with guilt.

 Cassandra walks up to him slowly.

 “I’m sorry your mother was taken away from you because of me...” he tells her pained.

 “It wasn’t because of you.  She was doing her job. She died doing the thing she lived for.... You named your baby after my mom...” Cass whispers to him.

 He looks up at her.

 “She would have liked that.” Cassandra replies giving Wells a little smile.  “I’m glad you got to see your baby born.” She tells him before walking over to me and hugging me tightly. 

 “Me too.” He whispers softly walking back over to us.  “I hope you don’t mind me coming and bringing the baby.... I just wanted to pay my respects and to thank her. And Jonas needed a ride... and I wanted you to see Janet...”
 
I nod in understanding, grateful for his thoughtfulness and knowing how honoured Jan would be to know that his baby daughter shared her name, and that her saving Wells’ life meant he got the chance to be a father to his much wanted child.

  “She’s gorgeous.” I tell him walking over to the baby and stroking her soft cheek with my fingers.  “And Cass is right; Janet would have liked that you named the baby after her.” I tell him smiling softly.

 Wells’ nods.

 “Well I need to get this one back to her mommy.  I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer.” He tells me.

 “It means a lot you came at all.” I reassure him watching as Well’s wife walks up from the car and takes the baby into her arms.

 “I’m so sorry for your loss.” She tells us all.  “She was very brave.  She saved my husbands life. I just needed to let you know how thankful I am that Janet has her daddy.”

 I put an arm around Cass who sniffles a little, her heart aching for her mother, but also filled with pride.

 “Would you like to hold Janet?” She asks me softly.

 I look at Daniel, Jonas and Cass who smile.

 “I uh.... I’d like that...” I tell her in awe of the prefect little human being laying in her mothers arms.

  She places the baby tenderly in mine, the baby clasping her tiny hand around one of my fingers.

 “Hello Janet...” I whisper to the little girl kissing her tiny forehead.  “You should be very proud of where your name came from. The woman you’re named after was very special and brave...and loved so much.... Just like you are.” I tell her as she gurgles in my arms and a ray of sunlight breaks through the clouds illuminating the words on Janet's gravestone:


‘Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind’

 Janet Elizabeth Fraiser

1968 - 2024

Beloved daughter, mother, partner and friend.

Taken by the angels in the line of duty.

‘Remember me with a smile.’


We all turn to face her grave as the single beam of sunshine lights up the words engraved onto it as if by magic.  I smile softly, knowing that this is her way of telling us to do what the gravestone says.   Life’s going to be hard without her.  It’s going to be different and quieter somehow.  There’s going to be a little less laughter and a little less sunshine, but we still have to live it.  We have to carry on for her because it’s what she would want us to do.  She wouldn’t want us to give up on our lives just because she can’t be a part of them anymore.  Not physically anyway. 

 As long as we keep her memory alive Doctor Janet Fraiser will be with us all.  With the people who miss her the most, who today have come together from all different worlds to pay their respects for one incredible, sweet, gentle, loving and most importantly brave woman who left an imprint on their hearts and souls. 
 No matter how difficult the days seem as we deal with our grief I know that Janet will be there, with us watching over us and helping us through it because as Daniels said before, the ties that bind us to people in life are still strong, even in death. 

We’ve all been blessed to have her in our lives and that’s what we have to remember now she‘s gone. We have to be thankful for the time we did have with her, in our lives and in our hearts, rather than be angry over something that cannot be changed no matter how much we want it to.
 
 She’s at peace now.  She’s our fallen angel, an angel who's dedication and bravery should be an inspiration to us all, but instead of remembering how she was cruelly stolen away from us on that fateful day, we have to do what she wanted and remember her with a smile instead of countless tears. 

 Let the people you love know that you love them every day of their lives.  You never know what fate has in store and you never know when the time will come for you to be parted from them. Love I have learnt, is one of life's most beautiful gifts.  It was a lesson I learnt from the woman we’re saying our goodbyes to today.

Rest In Peace Janet Fraiser.  Our fallen angel. A hero. A mother, lover and friend.
 

 Copyright (c) 2024 Lucy Maria Elmer