A Time To Heal
By Amanda Hawthorn
RATING: PG-13/ maybe R when finished
PAIRING: Grissom/Sara
CATEGORY: Angst/ romance
ARCHIVE: Grissomandsara.com and my site http://www.pink-martini.net/amanda/
FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I’m fragile!!
EMAIL: [email protected] or [email protected]
SPOILERS: Playing with fire and mentions of crash and burn
SUMMARY: An alternative ending to playing with fire
DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis
Productions. No
infringement intended.
AUTHORS’ NOTES: As always a huge thank you to the Sara and Grissom yahoo list
for their constant support, and to my wonderful friends Rosa, Niff, Cath and
Alice also for Peggie, and Geena, for their constant encouragement.
****
Gil Grissom used to pride himself on his self-discipline. He used to be able to put all emotional attachments aside when it came to a crime scene, casting his mind into deeper recesses so he wouldn’t have to think, but, that all ended the day she came into his life.
She being Sara Sidle, smart, young and beautiful, the one woman who had the ability to totally turn his whole world upside down.
His feelings for her had started to grow deeper over the years, until one day he found she had become the center of his world, casting all thoughts of doubts and fears away as she took a hold of his heart. So, when had that all changed?
Maybe their sudden distance was all his doing, he mused, after all he was the one who told her to get a life and when she finally did, he was the one unwilling to accept it.
It had hurt deeply when he’d found out about her relationship with Hank, even though she insisted it was nothing more than friendship, but still, it didn’t ease the cutting edge of pain from his heart.
So he had distanced himself, moved away from her as much as he could. He started pairing himself with Catherine most of the time for crime scenes, anything to avoid being in close proximity with Sara. He knew he was hurting her, but he couldn’t seem to be able to stop it, a part of him reveling in her pain, the other hating him for inflicting it.
Then it all changed. In one moment of time, the barriers he had erected around his heart to keep her away came crashing down, taking all the loss and pain with it as he saw her sat on that roadside in shock holding her hand oblivious to the pain.
He couldn’t shake the impulsive protectiveness that came over him as he rushed to her side, his heart racing in his chest as the past few months evaporated into nothingness, as if the distance had never been.
He’d rambled some words to her, trying to calm his raging heart pulsating in his throat and at the same time needing to heal her with his touch alone.
Until that single moment when the sudden realizations hit him that this could have been a lot worse, he hadn’t known how strong his feelings were for her, and they were growing, still.
He didn’t know what to do now. He couldn’t deny the fact that she had captured his heart and held it, even now that things had changed between them.
How could he even deny his love for her now, to her and the others when it so obviously melted into his eyes every time she was near him?
With a heavy sigh, he sat down on the edge of his desk and began looking through his list of addresses before stopping to pull out the one he was looking for.
He heard her before he saw her, her presence igniting his senses as she came into the room.
“ Have you got a minute?” she asked, her voice shaking in silent waves.
“ I was just leaving,” was his voice shaking too he wondered as he tried to calm his pulse rate into something near normal. He tried not to look into her eyes, tried not to let her presence affect him.
“ Would you like to have dinner with me?” she asked, her voice so soft he could hardly hear her.
His mind screamed out yes, but his mouth replied before him “ No.”
She didn’t move, didn’t speak just nodded her head before she started to retreat from the doorway, her eyes unreadable. He watched the empty space she’d left behind, the silent void filling his heart as the facts laid bare before him. He had succeeded in hurting her again, unintentionally this time and he found himself propelling forward to walk after her to at least try to explain that his life was on hold, at least for the time being.
As he walked towards the exit, he stopped dead in his tracks, the image before him breaking his heart into a thousand shattering pieces.
Sara hadn’t quite made it far along the corridor, she seemed to be stuck in time as she stared at the now burned out lab. He saw her try to walk passed it, but stop and flinch, closing her eyes tightly until she had composed herself to try again.
“ Sara?” he asked softly as he came up beside her.
“ I’m fine,” she whimpered through closed eyes as she tried again to move but seemed bound to the same spot.
“ It’ll be ok Sara,” he told her placing a soft hand on her shoulder “ I’ll help you.”
His heart ached as he pushed her slowly forward, guiding her passed the wreckage of the lab until they reached the outside and walked into the cool night air.
“ Thanks,” she whispered, pulling her coat tighter around herself to rid the wind from her body as she shivered slightly.
Grissom watched her carefully, they had both seemed to gravitate towards each other since the accident as if their closeness could heal the wounds of the past, but still, he had turned her away.
“ What are you doing Sara?” he asked quietly when she didn’t make a move towards her car “ don’t you want to go home?”
When she didn’t answer, he moved closer towards her to place a hand on her arm.
She jumped with the sudden contact, and whirled around to face him, her eyes unrecognizable as she stared at him “ I..?”
“ Sara? Are you ok?”
Her eyes glazed over as she watched his mouth move, his words echoing in her brain in slow motion, and she heard herself answer, “ Don’t go.”
Grissom gasped with the sheer intensity in her eyes, pleading with him in a silent communication that she needed him.
“ I’m not going anywhere Sara,” he spoke softly as he moved a hand around her shoulders to pull her closer to his warmth “ Come on I’ll take you home.”
She walked with him willingly as he maneuvered them over towards his Tahoe, and obiebiently climbed in without an uttered word.
He looked over at her as he climbed into the car beside her, his face etched in worry. “ Are you ok Sara?”
Sara was in a daze, the whole explosion becoming blurry images inside her head until she heard her name, drifting over the hazy fog that clouded her senses. Turning to him she stared, watching him as he spoke again, the words once again silenced in her mind.
Somewhere between the images and the haze she heard him speak again, the words coming through this time to invade her senses and she found herself nodding slowly, unable to speak without trembling.
Reaching out a hand, he gently caressed her arm, feeling the tremors overtaking her body through his fingers. “ You’re coming home with me Sara.”
“ I’m so tired,” she told him through chattering teeth as she wrapped her arms around her waist and leaned into the seat as far as she could. She felt safe with him beside her, as if his presence could banish all the demons from her mind.
The accident had upset her whole balance with life bringing the burning love she felt for him out to the front of her heart engulfing her body with such force she had to fight to breath. All she knew was that she needed to be near him, even if it was only to sit here and relish his warmth.
Staring possible death in the face had impacted her life bringing with it the full force of denied emotions hidden away behind her heart for so long, emotions that refused to be silenced any longer.
Closing her eyes, she let the welcoming darkness embrace her as she sank into a restless sleep.
The journey to his house had been made in silence. Grissom was worried, he had never seen her like this before and if he was honest with himself, the thought of losing her was terrifying. He needed to keep her with him just as much as she needed his closeness, their hearts bound in a silent embrace, neither willing to take that next step, until today.
Stopping the car, his eyes drifted over to her sleeping face. She still bore the marks of a jagged piece of glass slicing into the skin on her forehead, leaving an angry red scar to mingle with the dust still casing her body.
“ Sara,” he spoke softly, moving his hand to her arm “ honey wake up we’re here.”
“ K,” she mumbled as she slowly opened her eyes.
Grissom couldn’t help the smile that lingered over his lips, but he thought she looked so adorable as she gazed up into his eyes, still unsure of where she actually was “, Hey, you still with me?”
“ I’m awake,” she groaned softly, ignoring the tiny grin that appeared on his face as she sat forward “ I’m ok.”
“ Sure you are,” he smiled as he climbed out of the car to run around to help her out.
“ Thanks,” her voice was so soft he had to strain to hear her, but when she leaned into his body to wrap her arms around his waist he was lost in her.
“ Let’s get you inside,” he whispered, pulling her closer as he maneuvered them towards his door.
The room was dark when they entered, the only sign of light coming from the moon filtering it’s silver shadows through the blinds.
“ Sit down Sara,” he whispered into her hair as he slowly eased her down onto his couch only to hold onto her hands for longer than he meant to “ I’m going to run you a bath ok?”
Not expecting an answer, he turned away to click on the lamp beside her, casting light into the room making her close her eyes tightly against the bright invasion.
She felt so alone right now, already missing his closeness as the last few hours wore her senses down into defeat, unable to take the torture her body was inflicting on her heart and mind.
Grissom’s heart was aching for her. Here she was, so close to him yet still so far away. He knew the only barrier that was held up between them now was fragile at best and if he wanted to, all he had to do was mentally push it and it would crumble. The feel of her body wrapped around his still gave him a welcoming feeling of warmth in his whole body, how could he deny her now?
Turning on the taps over the bath he began to fill it with hot water, the steam enveloping his body as he retreated back into the living room to find her head laid back and eyes closed.
She took his breath away. Even in her current state, grubby and pale, he still felt his heart thump wildly inside his chest, moving him forward towards her, to once again capture her now open eyes with his own.
“ Come on Sara,” he whispered, holding out his hand for her to take “ you need to get clean.”
Sara’s eyes locked with his, the silence speaking volumes as she reached up to link her fingers with his, their touch so intense she had to close her eyes to the consuming love coursing through her body.
Grissom felt it too, the shock of skin touching skin igniting fires inside his body that had long been extinguished. Pushing the thoughts away, he gave a gentle tug on her hand to pull her with him towards the warmth of the steaming bath, urging her to follow him into the tiny room.
“ I’ll leave you to get undressed,” he told her hoarsely “ I’ll find something for you to wear ok?”
As he expected he was greeted with silence, the only indication being the squeezing of her fingers against his, showing him that she’d heard him.
His heart was thumping wildly as he closed the door behind him to lean against the back of it to catch his breath. How could he control this rising passion that was surrounding his body when the object of his desire was no more than a few feet away?
With a heavy sigh, he pulled himself away from the door and made his way towards his bedroom as he tried to quieten his raging emotions.
Five minutes later he came to stand beside the closed door listening for any signs of splashing water, but all that greeted him was silence.
“ Sara,” he called softly, knocking on the door before slowly opening it “ honey I’m coming in ok?”
Pushing the door open slightly he called again “ Sara?”
The sight that greeted him melted and broke his heart all at the same time. She sat fully clothed on the floor beside the bath sobbing into her hands uncontrollably, her body shaking.
“ Oh honey,” he soothed as he sank to his knees beside her, pulling her into his tight embrace letting her tears wash over his shirt “ it’s ok.”
Through her sobs he felt her shake her head, indicating that everything was not ok, and he pulled back to gaze into her pain filled eyes “ Sara?”
“ I don’t want to die,” her voice shook as more tears pooled and fell from her eyes “ I don’t want to lose you.”
Her words cut deeply into his heart as he leapt forward to pull her into his arms again, holding her close as he rocked her sobs away “ You’re not gonna die honey,” he soothed “ I promise you will never lose me ok?”
“ No,” she sobbed, pulling back so she could see his face, the tears blurring her eyes “ I can’t die,” her voice quivered “ not without telling you how I feel.”
“ Sara, listen to me,” he soothed, placing both hands on her face to keep her close “ we have a lot we need to talk about ok, and believe me honey when I saw you today I thought my heart was going to stop.” Leaning forward he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and brushed her tears away with his thumb “ How about we get you cleaned up and then we talk about it?”
“ K,” she sniffed as she placed her hands over his, feeling the warmth run through her fingers as he started to lift their bodies forward to help her off with her jacket.
Their eyes locked as clothing flowed from her body to the floor, one by one until she stood naked before him, their eyes never leaving the others until he helped her into the bath, only then allowing his glances to roam over her pale skin.
Sara settled into the hot water letting the heat surround her aching body to take some of the coldness from her heart. She wanted him to stay with her, but she knew she couldn’t ask him for any more than he had given her already. Surrendering to the water, her eyes fluttered closed, drifting off into a silent dream only to register seconds later that he was still with her in this tiny room. Slowly, she turned to watch him, her eyes lingering over his face casting the love she felt for him deeper into her heart
Grissom found his gaze drifting over her body once more, igniting something deep inside him. This moment between them was the closest they had ever been and he was finding it increasingly difficult to turn and walk away. She commanded his life; unaware of the overwhelming possessiveness she created over his body. How could she know, he mused, when all he had done for so many months was push her away time and time again.
Her sudden movements broke him from his daydream as he found her eyes on him, watching him with such adoration and honesty, making him incapable of tearing his gaze away.
“ Stay with me?” she asked in a whisper, her eyes pleading silently for his presence.
Her words reached inside his heart, pulling him to her with every ounce of love she possessed and he willingly followed. He answered her wordlessly, a silent smile telling her that he would never leave.
Stepping forward, he knelt down beside the bath so he was directly behind her, still locked in her gaze, unable to draw away. Slowly, his hands fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, removing the cloth barrier that stood between his skin and hers.
Sara groaned as she moved further back in the tub, her back pressed between the tub and his chest reveling the feel of his now wet hands running soap over her shoulders.
“ Relax,” he whispered against her ear, sending shaking waves throughout her whole body causing a whimper to escape from her lips.
She did as he asked, leaning her head backwards so she could rest on his chest, the sweet contact causing her heart to explode with emotions she was finding hard to control.
He continued with his gentle ministrations, his soft touch smoothing over her body, washing away the remnants of the explosion from every part of her skin, and at the same time giving her more love than he ever thought he was capable of possessing.
His hands came back to her shoulders, gently pushing her forward so he could pour water over her hair. As his fingers came up to comb with water to rinse the shampoo from her hair, Sara arched her back for him, her whole body surrendering to his touch, causing Grissom’s heart to flutter somewhere between heaven and earth. He was lost in her. This precious moment between them expressing more of their feelings for each other than any words ever could.
He needed her closeness right now just as much as she needed his. The knowledge that she could have been hurt a lot worse than she actually was impacting inside his heart and in a split second took control of his body to pull her back towards him again so he could wrap his arms around her from behind.
Sara sank into his embrace, her own need for him overpowering all conscious thoughts as she turned into his chest, her wet body soaking into him as she buried her head in the crook of his neck.
They clung to each other desperately, as if the events of the day had crumbled down their defensive walls, eroding the barrier that had kept them apart for so long.
“ I could have lost you,” he whispered into her hair, his arms tightening around her with his words. He didn’t want to think of what his life would be like without her and the accident only fueled his fears.
“ Don’t let me go,” she whimpered against him, pulling him tighter “ please don’t let me go.”
Grissom’s heart ached for her, he had pushed her away so many times and yet she still came back for him to hurt her. His eyes closed with a sudden burst of sadness, all this time wasted.
Pulling away slowly, his eyes traveled down to hers, trying in some way to convey to her just how much she meant to him. He could drown in her gaze; willingly fall into her welcoming depths if it meant he could stay there forever, and at that moment, he didn’t care about anything else but this woman before him. One hand left her shoulder to glide up over her skin, leaving goose bumps over her flesh as he came to rest the palm of his hand over her face. Their eyes spoke volumes, both needing more than mere touches alone as they slowly gravitated together, their lips meeting in one gentle touch.
The kiss lasted only seconds, but it was enough. That one gentle touch conveyed the overflowing burst of feeling that had kept them woven together for so many years, only now binding them tighter in an unspoken love, so strong that no one could ever come between them.
Silently, Grissom drew away from her arms to reach for a bath towel beside him then stood to his feet. His eyes locked with hers once more as he unfolded the towel to hold it open for her.
Her heart was racing, she was here, with the man she had loved for so long, feeling more loved and protected than she had ever felt in her life time. Smiling softly, she pushed herself upwards to stand before him, linking her eyes with his as they drifted together once more.
Grissom wrapped the towel around her body, holding her close to him as her gently encased his arms around her to lift her from the tub. Their eyes came together, unblinking, only to gaze into the others, intoxicating each other’s souls with their escalating emotions.
Placing her feet on the floor, Grissom was reluctant to draw away from her, his only need to feel her warm body against his own.
Their eyes spoke volumes, needing no words as they opened their hearts to each other, for this the first time. Turning her around so her back was towards him, he began to move his hands over her shoulders, drying the droplets of water from every part of her skin that he uncovered when the towel slid down her slender body.
Sara’s eyes closed with their own sensations, succumbing to his soft caresses as his fingers danced over her exposed skin. Leaning backwards, she sank into his chest, the warmth of his skin burning hers, once again omitting a soft grown from her lips.
His hands slid over her shoulders to her breasts, drying her delicately with every ounce of self-control he could muster, finding it near impossible to keep his lips from the soft flesh of her inviting skin.
Sara leaned further into him in total surrender, his touch coursing heated fire through her body as he moved his hands skillfully over her, the act of drying long forgotten as images began to cloud her mind.
The call of her lips was becoming near impossible to ignore as Grissom tried desperately to keep in control. She needed him to heal her, not seduce her and he knew he had to keep in control, if only for tonight.
Pulling away, he heard a whimper escape her lips as she turned to find him. Her eyes found his, holding him in her heavenly prison as she drew him closer to her once more needing neither words or touch.
“ Sara,” he whispered brokenly, his voice becoming raged in her ears “ as much as I want this,” his eyes closed as he fought his inner war between needing her and wanting her.
Her eyes closed with his words, his healing touch erasing all the pain from her heart in one single stroke of his hands.
“ I need you Griss,” she whispered, the honesty creeping into her words, “ if it takes forever for you to want me...”
“ Honey I do want you,” he told her, his eyes opening to blend in with hers “ but there’s so much you don’t know about me.”
“ Then tell me,” her voice was quiet, “ I want to know all of you Griss.”
Her words found their way into his heart once more as he found his eyes locked with hers “ You will Sara, I promise,” he whispered as his arms found their way around her body again “ come on.”
Sara’s body leaned into his arms as he guided her towel-clad body towards his bedroom.
The room was dark, but welcoming. Her eyes lingered over the bed for a few seconds before he guided her over to sit onto the soft mattress.
He came to sit next to her, the bed dipping with the extra weight, leaning her into his body. His arms snaked around her waist, pulling her closer to him once more, holding her possessively with his healing touch.
Sara closed her eyes as his love washed over her, flowing into her heart casting all worrying doubts aside as she felt one of his hands come up to comb through her hair.
She leaned back into his chest, the feel of his body calming her senses. She needed him so much, even more than she would ever dare admit, but she did need him.
Reaching over to the dresser beside him, Grissom pulled a brush from his drawer. Turning her slightly, he began running the brush through her hair, his hands following it’s path to smooth down the wet strands with loving fingers.
Sara lost herself in his touch, his intimate caresses lulling her senses into overdrive as he continued to pour his love into her body.
When he moved away slightly to replace the brush in the drawer, she found herself whimpering with the loss of his touch, she wanted to feel his arms around her again, to feel protected in his warm embrace, and when he turned back towards her again, she felt her eyes pleading with him to return to her.
A smile danced over his lips as he slowly stood before her, reaching out a hand to run his fingers over her hair before reaching down to pick up a shirt that lay on the mattress beside her.
Their eyes drifted together again as he held out the shirt, conveying without words that he wanted to take care of her, ones which she willingly followed as she slid the towel from her body to stand before him.
He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her body. She came to him in sweet surrender, needing him to make her whole and he found himself stepping towards her, the shirt open in his hands.
He slid the soft material over her skin, covering her naked body with warmth, as his fingers roamed over her arms until he reached the buttons over her chest.
She closed her eyes as he touched her skin, her arms hanging limply by her sides as she let him fasten the shirt together, his gentle touch sending tremors throughout her body until she opened her eyes again to see him watching her.
Wordlessly, he stepped beside her to pull the covers off of the bed for her, only to return to her gaze, his hands gently urging her towards the soft mattress.
She followed him with trusting eyes as she slowly sank into his bed, allowing him to cover her body with the soft sheet to encase her with warmth. The bed smelt of him, his scent arousing her senses causing her heart to burst until she suddenly realized he wasn’t lying down with her.
Sitting up, she grabbed his hand, tugging him towards her to sit on the bed beside her, only then laying back down onto his pillows to watch his reaction.
“ I was just going to lock the door,” he chided softly, reaching down to press a soft kiss on her forehead “ I’ll be right back ok?”
She watched him leave; her eyes trained on his retreating form and immediately felt the loneliness creeping into her soul. She missed him. The total feeling of loss overwhelmed her senses bringing tears to her eyes as she fought to keep them away. She was so consumed in her attempt to hide her emotions that she didn’t hear him come back into the room.
He came slowly into the room, moving to the opposite side of the bed as he began to remove his cloths. Sara felt the bed dip as he climbed in, noticing how he kept his distance, still unsure if she wanted him to hold her.
She waited for him to settle, then turned around to move into his arms, burrowing herself into his embrace as he banished all the hurt away with his touch.
“ We’ll be ok,” he whispered into her hair as he felt her settle in his arms.
Sara snuggled closer into his chest, resting her head beneath his chin as a new sense of peace invade her whole body, casting all the demons away from her heart.
She was happy here, with him. Nothing in her life could ever compare to the love she felt for this man. She felt him relax beside her, his fingers making lazy patterns over her back, lulling her into slumber.
She was succumbing to the darkness; it’s release washing over her. That’s when she heard the words he whispered, words that etched into her heart sending her into a loving slumber. “ I love you Sara.”
She placed a kiss on his chest as sleep came to claim her body, his words still dancing along her heart as she surrendered to the darkness, her lips whispering just as softly “ I love you too.”
Grissom’s eyes snapped open when he heard her muffled words, their meaning encasing his heart with happiness. Smiling, he settled against the pillows, pulling her sleeping form closer to him as he joined her in heavenly slumber. Tonight would be theirs, forever…………