Numb

By Amanda Hawthorn

RATING: PG-13/ maybe R when finished

PAIRING: Grissom/Sara     Nick/Sara friendship

CATEGORY: Angst/eventual romance

ARCHIVE: Sara and Grissom and my site http://www.pink-martini.net/amanda/

FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I’m fragile!!

EMAIL: [email protected] or [email protected]

SPOILERS: Crash and Burn, playing with fire and in the box

SUMMARY: News of Grissom’s surgery reaches his team with dire consequences

DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.
AUTHORS’ NOTES: As always a huge thank you to the Sara and Grissom yahoo list for their constant support. For Rosa being a wonderful friend. For Niff and Phon who have fast become like sisters to me, and to everyone who has been supporting me.

This is also for all of us who haven’t been able to get to geek week.

*** 

Eventually by Pink

 I’m an opportunity,

And I knock so softly.

Sometimes I get loud,

When I wish everybody just get off me.

 So many players,

I feel like a board game.

It’s every man for himself,

There are no teammates.

 This life gets lonely,

When everybody wants something.

The smile in your face,

They’ll get theirs eventually.

Surrounded by familiar faces with no names,

None of them know me, or want to share my pain.

They only wish to bask in my life,

Then fade away.

 To end my love, to them a game,

To watch me live my life in pain.

When all is done and the glitter fades,

They’ll get theirs eventually.

 I drank your poison,

You told me its wine.

Shame on you if you fool me once,

Shame on me if you fool me twice.

 I didn’t know the price; you’ll get yours eventually.

So what good am I to you?

If I can’t be broken.

You’ll get yours, eventually

Almost a week has passed since Grissom had gone on a week’s vacation time, leaving the lab in the capable hands of Catherine.

There had been wide speculation by the lab as to why he had taken leave, it wasn’t something that Grissom did willingly.

“ Come on Cath,” Nick whined while they waited for the rest of the shift to arrive “ you know where he is.”

“ No Nicky,” she told him firmly, turning her back on him.

“ Ok,” he sighed “ but tell me one thing, is this about his hearing?”

Spinning around sharply, Catherine stared at him “ How did you know about that?”

“ I didn’t, it just seemed strange how sometimes whenever we spoke to him, he kept looking at us confused. Actually, it’s Warrick who noticed it first.”

“ Warrick?” she asked astounded “ and neither of you thought it was worth mentioning?”

“ Come on Cath, you know how private Griss is, he wouldn’t appreciate us talking about him, and anyway there’s only me and Warrick who mentioned it, that’s all.”

“ Not Sara?”

“ No, Sara’s been a little distant lately. Even the mention of Griss’s name gets her all moody. I don’t know what’s happened with those two, but it’s not good.”

“ Yeah I know, he keeps himself pretty much to himself,” she agreed “ but you should really know what’s going on with him because he’s going to need our support when he comes back.”

“ Who does?” Warrick asked as he breezed in through the break room door.

“ Hey bro, seems you were right about Griss,” Nick looked over at his friend.

“ I was?” the smile fell from his face as he sat down “ man I wish I wasn’t.”

“ Well that’s where he is right now,” Catherine sighed, “ he’s at home recovering from the surgery.”

“ Wait a minute, he had surgery and none of us knew about it?” Warrick stood up angrily “ How can he keep something like that from us?”

“ Hey man calm down,” Nick sighed, “ he had his reasons, I mean if it was you would you want everyone to know?”

“ No, I guess not,” he nodded “ but we keep it to ourselves ok.”

“ Agreed,” Catherine smiled “ he’ll need us all when he comes back to work.”

The door creaked open and Sara stepped through, her face pale as she walked in silently.

“ Hey, Sara you don’t look to hot,” Nick told her worriedly “ You ok?”

“ I’m fine,” she nodded as she looked from their worried faces one by one “ I am.”

“ Well now you’re here,” Catherine said coming towards her “ we’ll bring you up to speed with the Grissom situation.”

“ What Grissom situation?” she asked worriedly, her heart starting to hammer inside her chest.

“ His hearing,” Warrick spoke up, then seeing her confused face spoke again “ don’t tell me you didn’t know?”

Sara’s eyes slipped away from his to drop into her hands. They all knew something was wrong with him except her, when had he stopped trusting her? At the same time he stopped loving her?

“ No I didn’t know,” she told them quietly as she tried desperately to keep the hurt from her eyes “ How is he?”

“ Cath went into surgery with him and he’s at home right now recovering” Nick smiled “ we’re gonna go and visit after work.”

Her eyes snapped up into his, they all knew? “ I uh, he won’t want to see me,” she told them, hiding behind a forced smile “ I only seem to bring out the worst in him lately.” Sara’s heart ached, Grissom and Catherine? Fighting the nausea rising in her throat, she turned towards the door, pushing it open quickly “ Excuse me,” she managed to mutter before she made her escape.

“ Sara?” Nick called worriedly.

“ Leave her Nick,” Catherine all but whispered, “ I’ll talk to her.”

Moving passed him; she pushed open the door and headed towards the women’s washroom.

Sara stared at her reflection sadly. What was it about her that drove men away? She was ok looking wasn’t she? Sure she had her faults, but didn’t everyone else?

The door opened behind her and she hurriedly wiped her hands over her eyes ridding the beginning of tears from her lashes.

“ Hey,” Catherine spoke from the doorway “ you ok?”

Sara’s eyes closed for a second before she took a deep breath and turned “ I’m fine,” she spoke brightly, forcing a smile onto her lips.

“ Look, it’s nothing personal. I found out by accident and I went along to give him support.”

“ Hey, it doesn’t matter,” she told her, putting on her best performance “ it’s not like me and Griss are close anymore.”

“ He does care Sara,” Catherine came further into the room to stand beside her “ he told me about the other night.”

“ Other night?” Sara asked confused “ what other night?”

“ When he turned down you invitation.”

Sara’s heart sank to the bottom of her stomach, enticing the nausea that she had pushed back down to rise upwards, causing her face to grow paler.

“ Well,” Sara spoke again, her eyes turned away from the woman beside her “ then my humiliation is complete now.” Gathering up her bag she flung it over her shoulder “ haven’t we got work to do?”

“ No one’s laughing at you Sara,” Catherine told her, her voice trying to sooth the rising anger pouring from her friend’s eyes.

“ No?” Sara asked bitterly, as she moved towards the door “ look let’s just forget it and get back to work ok.”

“ Ok,” Catherine sighed as she followed her, knowing that something huge was bubbling beneath Sara’s façade, but she couldn’t quite work out what it was.

Sara was given a solo case, which suited her mood right now. She needed her own company, she even welcomed it.

Gathering up her evidence bags, she made her way back towards the labs hoping that everyone would have already left by now.

Greg’s music was turned up full volume when she came into his lab. He was dancing around with an imaginary guitar, strumming its strings in time with the music. Smiling, Sara leaned over and turned off the stereo, leaving Greg to perform solo until he stopped moving and turned to face her.

“ Oh, er, I didn’t see you there,” he blushed.

“ Obviously,” she found herself smiling even though she fought to control the urge “ I have some DNA samples for you.”

He reached out and took the bags from her “ Hey aren’t you gong to see Grissom with the others?”

“ Grissom?” she asked quietly, the sudden dawning that maybe she was indeed the last one to know.

“ Yeah Grissom. He kept it quiet though don’t you think?” He looked into her sad eyes and caught his breath “ Hey you ok?”

She swallowed the hurt as she looked at him “ Yeah I’m fine, listen those samples give the results to Catherine will you.”

“ Why? Where will you be?”

“ You know I honestly don’t know,” she told him as she backed out of the door “ bye Greg.”

“ Hey Sara,” he called, stopping her before she retreated further “ How are you doing, you know after the explosion and everything?”

Sara met his eyes sadly, how could it be that he was the first person to actually ask. Covering the shaking in her voice, she forced a smile “ I should be asking you that question.”

“ Yeah but I asked first,” the smile left his face as he stepped closer towards her “ I keep having flashbacks. I look around here and I keep thinking that something’s gonna happen. It’s kinda scary.”

“ I know,” she told him softly “ but at least everyone still trusts you Greg. You will always have all the support you need.”

“ People trust you Sara,” his voice lowered slightly as he reached a tentative hand out to touch her arm “, how are you? Really?”

“ Really?” she asked, as sudden tears began to pool in her eyes “ Nick and Brass are still mad at me. I haven’t had a real talk with anyone since the explosion, you know you’re the first person who asked me?”

“ Hang on a second, Nick’s mad at you? What for?”

A tear made it’s way down her cheek before she hurriedly wiped it away “ He pulled me out to a crime scene with him, and well I don’t know my head was kinda fuzzy,” she looked down at his hand on her arm briefly before meeting his eyes “ I pulled a gun on a suspect. I screwed up.”

“ Sara you shouldn’t have even been there, jeeze,” he hissed angrily only to squeeze his hand tighter on her arm in reassurance “ didn’t any of them notice how shook up you were cos I was pretty shaken up I can tell you.”

“ It’s alright Greg,” she sighed tiredly “ it’s over and done now, past history.” Smiling, she moved a hand to his on her arm and gave it a squeeze, noticing how he immediately began blushing from his neck upwards.

“ Thanks for asking though,” she told him, stepping closer to place a soft kiss on his cheek before moving away from him

“ Goodnight Greg,” she whispered softly, as she turned away from him as she made her escape.

Greg watched her as she walked away from him, her touch still burning on his skin. A smile found it’s way to his eyes as his fingers touched where her lips had been. He was indeed a happy man right now.

Sara made her way into the locker room; her eyes scanning the now empty room. Moving over to her locker she pulled out her bag, taking with it the rest of the contents inside, leaving the metal box totally empty except for the few photos she had stuck to the inside of the door.

Her mind wandered back to happier times when she used to meet up with the guys after shift and take pleasure in teasing Nick about his choice in cloths. It seemed like a lifetime ago, so unlike the existence she had with him now, barely bordering friendship.

How could they all be so different now? Could it have only been just over two years ago when her life had seemed so perfect?

Sighing heavily, her hands moved towards her open locker door, her fingers dancing over the pictures there. Her eyes drifted to the photo of her Nick and Warrick, taken over a year ago at her birthday breakfast. They had all been so happy back then, unwinding after a long shift and she found her mind drifting back to that time, until reality set in her mind, bringing with it the desolate isolation that seemed to surround her heart as she pulled her hand away to slam the door. She regarded the closed door for a moment before tearing her eyes away. She needed some closure to ease the suffering her heart seemed to be enduring on a regular basis. She needed to end this now; this chapter in her life had come to an end.

Walking out of the locker room she made her way towards the exit, her mind bubbling with so many words they seemed to tangle inside her head. She needed to do this before Grissom came back, before any of them could talk her out of it.

Coming to a stop outside a closed office door, she took a deep breath before she wrapped her knuckles onto the wooden frame.

“ Come,” a voice called, and with her mind firmly set on the task at hand, she entered quietly, prepared to change her life forever.

“ Hey where’s Sara?” Warrick asked Catherine as they pulled up outside Grissom’s house “ I thought she was going to meet us here.”

“ She’s not coming,” Catherine sighed, “ she seems to think that Gil won’t want to see her.” Turning to the man beside her she saw the same fear in his eyes “ I just hope whatever is going on between them they can work it out.”

“ Yeah me too,” he nodded “ they used to be so connected if you know what I mean?”

“ Yes I know what you mean,” she smiled sadly “ I just hope they can get it back.”

A car pulled up in front of theirs, it’s headlights beaming into their eyes until they dimmed to reveal Nick sat in the front seat.

Catherine offered him a small wave while Warrick opened his door to climb out “ Hey Nick,” he grinned.

“ Hey,” his eyes scanned the Catherine’s car “ where’s Sara?”

“ Ah she’s not coming,” he sighed “ Cath said something about Griss not wanting to see her.”

“ What?” Nick shook his head, trying to process what he was hearing “ why would he not want to see her? Come on they used to be real close.”

“ Yeah and the word here is used to be Nick,” Warrick told him sadly “ you know they haven’t been all that close for a while.”

“ That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to see her, come on, this is Sara.”

“ Hey Nick,” Catherine smiled as she locked the car “ what’s wrong?”

“ Why doesn’t Griss want to see Sara?” he demanded angrily

“ What? No, no,” she shook her head “ No Sara thinks he won’t want to see her, as for Gil I don’t know ok.”

Nick reached for his cell phone, snapping it open as he spoke,“ I’m gonna call her, tell her to get her butt over here.”

“ No Nick, leave her for a while, she’s got a lot on her mind right now,” Catherine told him reaching out a hand to still his        “ she’ll come around when she’s ready.”

“ How could she think that anyway? This is Grissom for Christ’s sake.”

“ Look she has her reasons ok, so as her friend why don’t we just respect what she wants?”

He nodded reluctantly as he pushed his phone back into his pocket “ I’ll go see her after I leave here, I haven’t been doing that friend thing too well lately either.”

“ None of us have,” she sighed sadly as she turned towards Grissom’s house “ come on, let’s sort one friend out at a time shall we?”

Grissom heard the slight tap on his door, delighted that he could actually hear it now the bandages had been removed. He had regained over half of his hearing since he’d had surgery and had been told that the operation was a success despite him almost leaving it too late, much to his joy as being at home was driving him near insane.

Opening the door, he was greeted by some friendly faces as they piled into his house not waiting for an invitation “ Come in,” he smiled sarcastically.

His eyes drifted from face to face, then back to the still open door waiting for the one person he wanted to see most right now, but all that greeted him was emptiness.

Catherine touched his shoulder behind him “ Hey, you ok?”

His heart screamed out in disappointment, telling her that he wasn’t ok, but his mouth answered in autopilot “ Fine.”

“ She’s not coming Gil,” she told him quietly “ she’s working solo.”

“ Oh,” he muttered before trying to push a smile to his face, anything to match the obvious smiles of his friends. Closing the door, he turned to face them, forcing himself to be pleased with their visit, even though his heart was aching.

“ How you doing Griss?” Warrick asked as he sat down on the small leather couch, his eyes darting to his boss “ Hey don’t blame Cath, we kind of figured it out on our own.”

“ Well except Sara,” Nick chimed in, taking the seat next to Warrick “ she didn’t know.”

“ Uh, well she does now,” Catherine jumped in, silently wishing the two younger men would stop speaking for just a few minutes “ she would be here Gil, but she’s snowed under.”

“ No she doesn’t think..” Nick started but stopped as he was caught in Catherine’s glare “ uh, she’s busy.”

“ So Griss,” Warrick said, changing the subject “ when you thinking of coming back to work?”

“ Well I was thinking of stopping by tomorrow actually, maybe for a couple of hours,” Grissom looked from Catherine to he others “ what? I’m going insane here, I need to get back to normal.”

“ Are you sure that’s wise, the doctor said..”

“ I am well aware what my doctor told me Catherine thank you, but she also said that I could go back to work as long as I didn’t do anything strenuous, and all I am going to do is observe.”

“ OK, if you’re sure,” she nodded worriedly.

“ I am, Now does anyone want coffee?”

A few hours later, Sara pushed a few more things into her case before zipping it closed. Everything was taken care of now, she mused. This was the end of the sad existence she had been living through here. From now on she would look out for number one, even though her heart would always remain in Vegas, with the only man she loved, even though he didn’t love her back.

Taking one last look around her apartment, she let a heavy sigh leave her defeated body before opening the door for the last time.

“ Goodbye,” she whispered sadly as she made her way towards the waiting taxi before climbing in.

“ Where to miss?” the driver asked with a smile, his chirpiness invading the hole in her heart.

“ The airport please,” she answered, her voice devoid of all emotion as she indicated to him that she had no desire to engage in pointless conversation.

Taking the hint, he drove wordlessly through the streets until the airport came into view before he tentatively spoke “ You leaving for home or leaving for a vacation?”

His voice annoyed her silence and she had to control the anger in her voice “ Home,” she answered shortly, once again silently wishing that she was already on the plane.

“ Yeah? I’m from Vegas myself, I don’t think I could ever leave here.”

“ Really?” she said quietly, her voice indicated she didn’t care either way, but what could it hurt, five minutes of chitchat out of the rest of her life? “ I used to work here, but things change.”

“ So you didn’t want to stay in Vegas?”

“ No too many memories here,” she sighed as her mind sought out an image that had constantly been on her mind “ and well there’s nothing for me here anymore.”

“ That’s a shame,” he told her as he pulled the car to a stop “ there you go.”

Relief flooded her heart as she handed over the cash and climbed out, taking her luggage with her “ Thanks.”

“ Hey good luck,” he smiled before he drove away, leaving her to look up at the sunny sky before turning to walk into the building, turning her back on this life and her heart.

Nick held his cell phone to his ear for the eighth time in an hour, his heart thumping in time with the unanswered ring tone,  “ Come on Sara, where are you?” Shutting the phone off with a groan he shoved it back into his pocket.

“ Hey man what’s up?” Warrick asked until he saw the cell phone Nick was hurriedly putting away “ Still no Sara?”

“ No,” he sighed, “ I’m starting to get worried you know, this isn’t like her.”

“ Well you know Sara, she’s probably so deep in her case right now, hey she’s probably still at the lab,” he suggested helpfully “ maybe Ecklie has got her to pull a double shift.”

“ Yeah maybe,” Nick mused “ look I’m gonna go and grab a couple of hours sleep before shift starts again ok, you want a ride?”

Warricks eyes scanned over to Grissom and Catherine who were engaged in deep conversation, sensing that their presence here was outstayed, “ Hey we’re gonna head off you guys.”

Catherine turned first, “ Oh god sorry you two we didn’t mean to leave you sat over there for so long.”

“ Nah it’s ok,” Nick sighed as he stood “ I want to check in on Sar anyway.”

At the mention of Sara’s name, Grissom stood to walk over to them “ Why? Is she alright?”

“ Uh,” Nick looked from Warrick then back to Grissom “ I can’t get her on her cell, she must be asleep.”

“ Sara doesn’t sleep,” Grissom shook his head worriedly “ she’s working solo, has anyone checked in with her?”

“ I’ve called her like a dozen times already Griss, she’s either still at the lab or on her way home,” Nick told him, trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

“ I’ll call in and see if she’s checked out yet,” Grissom said as he reached for the phone, only to have his hands smacked away.

“ You’ll do no such thing,” Catherine scolded “ I’ll go back to the lab and check on her ok, and if you insist on coming in to work then you had better get some rest.”

Grissom felt his jaw twist in angry resentment, knowing of course that she was right. Wordlessly, he nodded his agreement and watched all three head towards the door.

“ I’ll see you at work,” he grumbled as they all filed out of his house to leave him alone with his musings once more.

Catherine made her way through the corridors, bumping in to Greg as he was leaving “ Hey Greg,” she smiled “ have you seen Sara?”

“ Yeah a few hours ago, why?”

“ We hadn’t heard from her that’s all, Nick’s been calling her for the last hour,” as her words left her lips she saw something close to anger register in his eyes “ What?”

“ Nothing,” he told her as he pulled his coat closer in frustration.

“ Hey Greg this is me, if something’s on your mind, then I suggest you say it now,” she demanded, her voice raising in volume as she stood menacingly close to him.

“ Look, all I know is that she was a little upset that’s all,” he avoided her eyes as he spoke “ she said Nick and Brass are mad at her, god Catherine,” he hissed suddenly looking directly into her eyes “ did you even ask her how she was feeling? Did any of you?”

Catherine found his eyes, searching them in confusion “ What are you talking about Greg?”

“ She relives the accident over and over,” his voice dropped to a whisper as the sounds of the blast echoed in his mind and he found himself squinting his eyes closed.

“ I,” she gasped, “ I had no idea, none of us did.”

“ Well maybe if you all just talked to her occasionally you would have known,” he told her sadly “ she was crying, she never cries.”

Catherine felt her heart lurch into her throat as she tried to process this latest information “ Sara? Our Sara?” shaking her head she tried to smile “ She’s just reading more into this than there is, I’ll go talk to her.”

“ I don’t think she wants you to,” he told her suddenly, his eyes searching hers again worriedly “ she asked me to give you the DNA results from her case.”

“ What?” she gasped “ why?”

“ She said she didn’t know where she would be, and I really believe her this time,” he told her on a sigh as his fingers combed nervously through his hair “ I can’t believe none of you noticed she was having problems, you’re supposed to be her friends.”

“ I am her friend,” she told him angrily “ and I am going to find her to get this whole mess straightened out.”

Turning away from him she stormed towards the exit, determined to find Sara and get to the bottom of this mess. She hadn’t gone far when Ecklie stopped her in the doorway.

“ Catherine,” he drawled.

“ Ecklie,” she nodded angrily as she tried to move passed him, but he blocked her path.

“ Too bad about Sidle,” he told her in mock concern, delighted by the look of total confusion “, don’t tell me you don’t know?”

“ Look Eckilie,” she sighed angrily,“ spit it out and stop wasting my time.”

Ecklie moved closer to her, “ Of course you wouldn’t know yet would you,” he smiled “ she handed in her resignation a few hours ago, I only know because Cavallo came to ask for a replacement from my shift until he could find a permanent CSI.”

“ NO,” she gasped, her heart racing “ Sara wouldn’t do that, she loves her work, she…”

“ Hey, take it up with Cavello, he knows the details,” he grinned, moving aside for her to pass “, Pity Gil wasn’t here, I sure would have loved to see his face.”

As he started to retreat he was totally unprepared for the sudden smack of Catherine’s hand on his face, her eyes blazing with anger “ You’re an asshole Ecklie,” she seethed “ and I hope I’m there to see you go down.”

His hand reached towards his face as she stormed passed him, rubbing the growing redness as he tried to avoid the stares of his co-workers, “ What?” he growled angrily, as he retreated into the break room.

In the corridor, Greg stood motionless, his heart thudding inside his chest. Sara had resigned? Shaking his head in disbelief, he found himself drifting towards the exit, needing to be away from these closing walls around him.

Catherine’s heart was racing as she drove towards Sara’s apartment; she needed to straighten out the whole mess she had inadvertently created. If only she had made Sara listen to her explanation in the washroom, if only she hadn’t have told her that she knew about Gil’s rejection to her offer “ Stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself angrily as she pulled up behind Sara’s Tahoe.

Climbing out, she practically ran all the way up the steps towards Sara’s door, banging on it loudly “ SARA”

When there was no answer, she tried again, banging louder, thumping her fist onto the door.

“ Excuse me,” a voice spoke behind her, causing her heart to leap in her throat with unwelcome surprise as she turned to see an elderly woman stood at the foot of the steps “ Are you looking for Sara?”

“ Yes,” Catherine gasped with a smile as she came towards the woman “ have you seen her?”

“ Such a sweet girl,” the woman smiled “ I’m sure going to miss her around here.”

“ What? Why?” Catherine was trying to stop the desperation seeping into her words “ Is she ok?”

“ I’m Grace by the way,” she smiled, holding out a fragile hand for the woman before her “ I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“ Uh no,” Catherine forced a smile and shook the offered hand “ Listen Grace, do you know where Sara is? We’re really worried about her.”

“ She didn’t tell you she was going away?” she asked “ I have her keys if you would like to leave her a note.”

“ Yes,” Catherine smiled “ I would really like to do that.” Holding onto Grace’s hand she helped her up the steps to Sara’s door “ Did she happen to mention where she was going?”

“ Yes she said she was going home,” Grace sighed, “ although she always seemed a little sad, that’s strange don’t you think?”

“ Well she’s had a lot to deal with.”

“ Oh yes I know all about that young man,” she nodded as the door popped open “ he was here only last week yelling through her door. I called the police,” she smiled “ I haven’t seen him since. She deserves a nice man, not that, now what was his name, oh it’s on the tip of my tongue.”

Catherine moved inside the dark apartment “ Hank?” she asked.

“ Yes, Hank that’s it,” Grace smiled triumphantly “ I didn’t like him at all.”

“ Do you know what he was yelling about?” Catherine’s eyes scanned the shelves with interest, three years she had known Sara and this was the first time she had been here, why was that, she wondered.

“ Oh he was trying to make her open her door, but she wouldn’t. I haven’t seen him since so I think the police scared him.”

“ Grace,” Catherine turned to her “ you have been a huge help, but would you mind if I had a minute alone?”

“ Of course dear,” Grace smiled, “I live right next door.”

“ Ok, thank you,” she watched as the old woman left her alone before she moved over to the pad next to the phone “ Sara,” she whispered sadly, surprised by the tears prickling her eyes “ where are you?”

Pulling her phone out of her pocket she dialed Warricks number, only to dissolve into tears when she heard his voice.

“ Catherine?” he asked worriedly “ what’s wrong?”

“ Oh War,” she sniffed “ Sara’s gone, she’s not here.”

“ Hey slow down and tell me what happened.”

“ Ok,” she breathed, composing her voice “ I went back to the lab to see if she was there and Greg told me she was upset. God War she was hurting and none of us saw it.”

“ Where are you?” he asked, “ I’ll grab Nick and we’ll head to Sara’s.”

“ I’m already here,” she told him “ What do I tell Gil? He’s going to be devastated War. I can’t believe she’s gone.”

“ Look I’m on my way, you stay there ok, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Sara’s eyes drifted closed as the sounds of the in flight movie drowned her senses with mind numbing accuracy. Her thoughts drifted to Grissom. She had resigned barely three hours ago and yet she missed him so much. No matter how much she tortured herself with the love she still felt burning for him, even though he would never feel the same way for her. Her heart refused to be chastised by her mind, instead opening the floodgates to her soul, knowing that he occupied every part of her even though he made no claim.

“ You’re an idiot,” she muttered to herself as she opened her eyes to look out into the clouds that passed by her window. Would they miss her, she wondered. Probably not, it was better this way. He wouldn’t have to force a smile when he saw her and he certainly wouldn’t have to make excuses not to be alone with her. No, this was the right thing to do; this was the break she needed. So why did it hurt so much?

Looking at her watch she shifted in her seat, in less than an hour she would be back in Frisco, back to the place where this whole thing began.

Closing her eyes again, she let her mind wander to the past, where the love for him had found its way into her heart for the very first time, changing her life forever. Maybe feeling the old feelings again would keep her sustained for the lonely years ahead without him, because there was no way she was ever going to let herself love again, it hurt too much.

Catherine opened the door and threw herself into Warricks arms, winding them around his neck. Nick pushed passed them, his eyes already showing signs of distress as the emotions rose from his throat into his eyes.

“ SARA?” he called, going from room to room “ SAR?”

“ She’s not here Nicky,” Catherine told him as she pulled away from Warricks embrace “ she’s gone.”

“ No she wouldn’t just leave,” he shook his head “ not Sara, she wouldn’t.”

“ Nicky please stop,” she pleaded as he started to look through the rooms again “ look, Greg told me she said you were mad at her.”

“ That’s bull,” he growled “ I would never…” he stopped suddenly, his eyes suddenly coming to a stop on her sad face “ Oh god, this is my fault, I should have apologized, I thought she knew I wasn’t mad at her, I thought..”

“ What the hell are you rambling about Nick?” Warrick demanded, “ You’re not making sense.”

“ I got mad at her for pulling a gun on a suspect, but I thought she’d got over that, I didn’t think,” he sniffed back the emotion in his eyes “ she’s my best friend, I love her so much, why didn’t I see the signs?”

“ Look,” Warrick told them “ first off we have to find out where she’s gone and bring her home, second we have to tell Grissom. He’s not gonna be happy, but he needs to know before he hears it from someone else.”

“ Uh the neighbour told me that Sara had Hank knocking at her door a week ago, he got loud enough for her to all the police.”

“ That son of a bitch,” Nick seethed “ I swear if he’s hurt her I’ll..”

“ Look, lets just find her and bring her home ok,” Warrick told them “ right now we need to know where she would go.”

“ Grace, the neighbour, said Sara was going home, do we even know where that is?”

“ Yes I do,” Nick nodded “ she told me about it once. Place called Tamales Bay, her folks own a B&B there.”

“ Ok so now what do we do?” Catherine asked.

“ We tell Grissom,” Warrick nodded, confirming his own plans as he headed for the door taking Catherine with him.

Nick took another look around the apartment before he followed them, his heart already missing her more than he could say. As he came out of the door he was met by Grace “ Nick,” she beamed “ I haven’t seen you in a while dear.”

“ Hi Grace,” he forced a smile “ did Sara say anything else about why she was going?” he asked “, anything?”

“ I’m sorry dear,” she shook her head “ listen I know you and Sara are close so why don’t you keep her keys for now,” she told him as she locked the door to place them in his hands, closing his fingers over the keys with her own.

“ Thank you,” he smiled as he gave her hand a squeeze before turning to run down the steps to Warricks car, climbing in before they made the ten-minute journey to deliver the bad news.

Grissom was sitting quietly reading a book when he heard the knock on his door. Looking up, he turned his eyes to the clock on the wall before getting up to answer the door.

“ Did you forget something?” he asked with an amused smile twitching at the corner of his lips until he saw their eyes and the smile fell away “ What?”

“ Sit down Gil,” Catherine told him quietly as she moved closer to him. His eyes darted from one to the other, his eyes falling onto Nick, alarmed by the tears in his eyes “ What’s happened? Is it Sara?”

“ She resigned a few hours ago” Catherine told him, her voice shaking with emotion “ She’s gone, I’m so sorry Gil.”

A gasp escaped Grissom's lips as he sank down onto his couch, his whole world crumbling around him, as he tried to absorb this news, while at the same time hearing her last words to him, the night he turned her down ‘by the time you figure it out, you could really be too late.’ 

Grissom sat motionless as his friend’s spoke, their words flowing through the edge of his pain, soaring through his heart like a red-hot poker.

He couldn’t believe she had left without a goodbye. Had things been so unbearable for her that she had taken this action and left him behind, for good?

“ How?” he started, swallowed and started again “ How do you know she’s gone?”

Catherine left Warricks side to come and sit beside him to place a gentle hand on his arm “ I went into the lab to see if she was ok and I saw Greg, he said some things.”

Grissom turned to her then, seeing the hurt in her eyes as it mirrored in his own “ What things?” he asked then, his heart aching as he tried to prepare himself for what she was about to say.

“ Did you know she relived the explosion?” she asked him quietly, her voice trembling as she wiped a beginning of a tear away.

“ I,” he stopped, closing his eyes as her face came back to his mind, her smile haunting his heart as he remembered the night he had told her no “ I didn’t know,” he admitted softly “ I should have paid more attention.”

“ Gil there’s something else,” Catherine took a breath and held onto his hand “ she knows I was with you when you went to surgery, she thinks..”

“ But..” he started, only to stand shakily to his feet “ you came on your own, I didn’t ask you. How can she think…?” His words died away as everything from the past few months began to fall into place. He had virtually ignored her for months and when she finally decided to take a chance with him he had shot her down, left her alone with any feeling that was far worse than anything Hank had ever done to her.

“ It’s my fault too,” Nick spoke up then, his voice cracked with emotion “ I said some things to her after the accident, things that I should have apologized for, but she seemed ok, I didn’t think,” taking a breath he turned to face his boss “ I was so scared for her you know? She pulled that gun and she didn’t even know what she’d done, it was as if she was unfazed by it and I got mad.”

“ She was in shock,” Grissom told him then, the truth finally seeking him, a truth silenced for so long “ she shouldn’t have been allowed back to work, I should have insisted.”

“ Hey this is Sara, since when has she ever listened to anything?” Warrick asked as he came to place a hand on Catherine’s shoulder.

“ Because I should have noticed,” Grissom told him; surprised by the sudden self-loathing in his voice “ It’s my job to notice things.”

“  This isn’t about some case Grissom,” Catherine told him angrily as she leapt to her feet “ This is about Sara, and the fact that she’s been alone and in pain and none of us even bothered to notice that she needed us.”

Grissom didn’t know what to do right now, he wanted to see her, wanted to explain and maybe mend the damage he had already done to her, but the nagging doubt still raged inside his heart, tugging at his insides to fight with the feelings he already knew had grown beyond friendship for her “ There’s nothing we can do,” he told them quietly, preparing himself for the onslaught he knew would undoubtedly follow.

“ What?” Catherine was the first to stare at him in disbelief “ how can you say that? You of all people know that if you don’t do anything now then she will never come back.”

“ She’s made her choice..” he started.

“ A choice that you forced her to make,” Catherine told him angrily, her eyes blazing into his until she saw the hurt in his eyes   “ Oh god, Gil I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, I’m sorry.”

He knew she was right, of course he did. He was the one who had pushed her away and paired himself with anyone but her. This was his doing, his fault she had left them all, maybe for good this time. He opened his mouth to speak but no words emerged from his mouth, so he fell into silence again.

“ You may be ready to sit back and let her go,” Nick broke the silence in the room, his voice shaking with a mixture of pain and anger “ but I owe her so much, and I am not going to leave her alone to think that none of us care about her, I can’t do that to her.” Turning abruptly, he walked away, leaving Grissom’s house determined to see his friend and somehow make her understand her importance here.

“ I’ll go talk to him,” Warrick muttered, sensing an unspoken conversation going on between the two people eyeing each other warily.

Neither spoke as he left them alone, until he had closed the door behind him. Grissom turned away from her and walked towards the kitchen.

“ Gil, you can’t just let her go, she needs to know we want her here, we’re her family.”

He closed his eyes against her words, his need to see Sara outweighing every other need in his entire life “ What can I do Cath?” he asked sadly, keeping his back turned from her as he fought to keep the emotion from his eyes “ I hurt her this time, she’s not going to listen to anything I have to say.”

“ She’ll listen Gil,” she told him, as she slowly stepped towards him “I didn’t know how strong her feelings were for you until I saw it for myself last night.”

Her words struck a chord inside his heart and he found himself turning to face her, ready to listen to what she had to say.

“ Gil, she looked so sad, that’s something I’ve never seen in her eyes. She didn’t come with us today because she thought you didn’t want her here,” a tear slipped from her lashes as she spoke “ are you prepared to let her think that you hate her for the rest of her life, because I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t at least try to make her understand.”

“ I could never hate her,” he told her, his voice so quiet she had to step closer to hear him “, I thought I was doing the right thing by pushing her away, she deserves so much more than I can give her.”

“ Gil,” she sighed sadly as she reached out to touch his arm, squeezing it gently “ If I believed for one minute that you feel nothing for her then I would leave you alone and make my own peace with her, but,” she found his eyes with her own, seeing the truth behind his blue depths “ I think you do have feelings for her, and it’s time for you to decide what you want most, a life without her, a life that’s safe. Or a life with her in it that could possibly give you more rewards than you could ever imagine.” Stepping away from him she walked over to the couch to retrieve her purse “ Think about it Gil, don’t turn down a second chance to love just because you’re afraid, think fast though Gil because you’re running out of time.”

He watched her in stunned silence as she opened his door wordlessly to walk out into Warricks embrace. In that one second, the feelings he had always felt for Sara shone through his heart with perfect clarity. The question was now, what was he prepared to do about it?

The sun shone high in the San Francisco sky as Sara made her way out of the airport. Her heart seemed to sink lower into her body as she looked around her. Nothing had changed in the three years of her absence, and she felt an odd sort of peace settle over her to mingle with the sadness that had made a permanent home inside her heart.

With a heavy sigh she walked over to the parking bays to await the familiar face of her father, maybe seeing him again would ease some of the heavy burden she carried.

She missed Grissom, even though he had basically ignored her and closed her out of his little circle, she still missed him, and the pain of his rejection still hurt, cutting deep scars inside her heart, etching a wound so deep that he could have taken a knife to her and inflicted the pain to cause her misery, even though she wished he would just end it.

She was brought out of her thoughts by a car horn honking to gain her attention. Looking up she saw the face of her father as he slowly climbed out of his car to walk over to her “ Sara,” he smiled before pulling her into a quick hug then releasing her quickly.

“ Hi dad,” she smiled, offering him the same gesture as she let him take her case from her hands. Their relationship had always been slightly strained, and at times they hadn’t seen eye to eye, but she knew he cared.

“ You mother is waiting for some new arrivals so she couldn’t come,” he told her “ she’s happy to have you home.”

“ Thanks,” she nodded, trying her best to offer a huge smile but could only manage to curl the edges of her lips,“ how is mom?”

“ You know your mother,” he grinned affectionately “ always having to be busy with something.”

“ Yeah,” she sighed, “ I think we’re more alike that I realized.”

As they sat in the car, Sara’s mind drifted to her other family, well people she used to think of as family, when they used to care about her. The sudden tears sprang into her eyes as she swallowed the lump in her throat. Crying was not an option, she scolded herself, she would not break down now, not in front of her father.

“ So how long are you going to be in the Bay?” he asked with a smile as they started the long drive home.

“ I don’t know yet dad,” she sighed “ if it’s a problem staying with you, I can go to a hotel,” she told him, suddenly realizing that she hadn’t even thought about what or where she was going “ sorry, I should have asked first before I came here.”

“ This is your home Sara,” he told her with a worried smile “ you don’t need to ask us first.”

“ I know but..”

“ But nothing,” he scolded “ it’s been too long since we’ve seen you, and I think your mother is going to enjoy every minute.”

“ Thanks,” she nodded slightly, turning her head towards the window so he couldn’t see the tear that had escaped from her eye to roll down her cheek. Composing herself, she quickly wiped it away and tried to control her emotions before he noticed something was wrong. Laying her head back she closed her eyes. She hadn’t realized how tired she actually was, it wasn’t every day you suddenly decide to change your whole life. Slowly sleep came to claim her as she succumbed to he overpowering waves of numbing relief as she drifted off.

Elsewhere, Greg looked at his clock, then back at the door and the intensive hammering that had awoken him. “ Ok,” he groaned as he climbed off his couch, almost tripping over one of his discarded shoes “ I’m coming, wait up,” he called loudly.

Pulling open the door, he barely recognized Nick before he pushed his way into his apartment.

“ Hey come in,” Greg muttered sarcastically “ make yourself at home.”

As he closed the door behind him, he noticed that his friend had slumped onto his couch, holding his head in his hands.

Without needing an explanation, Greg knew exactly what had caused his friend’s pain “ It’s Sara,” he spoke softly, as he came to sit on a chair opposite.

Nick couldn’t seem to get his head around this day. For the last few weeks he had lived in his own perfect world, oblivious to the fact that his best friend had been in pain and he hadn’t been there for her. Lifting his head, he stared directly into the sad eyes of his friend across the room “ What did she say Greg? I need to know everything.”

Taking a deep breath, Greg sat forward to run a hand through his hair “ She seemed sad,” he said softly, leaning forward slightly to rest his elbows on his knees “ She was crying, and it kinda fazed me cos I’ve never seen her like that, but she insisted she was ok.”

“ I should have seen it,” Nick groaned as he stood to his feet in frustration, “ I mean she’s supposed to be my best friend, I should have seen this.”

“ Hey, she thought you were mad at her, maybe she hid it extra well because she didn’t want you to see.”

“ This is a mess,” Nick sighed heavily as his eyes lifted to the ceiling, anything to hide the emotion that threatened to slip from his eyes, “ I should have been her friend and made her talk to me, I didn’t even know she thought I was avoiding her, god I should have made her listen.”

“ She thinks that none of you care,” Greg said quietly, avoiding the pain filled eyes of his friend who turned to face him “ she thinks she’s alone, she told me no one had asked her how she was doing after the accident, god Nick,” he groaned angrily “ I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I’m back in the lab and it’s happening all over again. Sara was standing right outside, she caught as much of the glass, if not more than I did, and you dragged her out to a crime scene.”

“ I know, I know,” Nick muttered sadly as he slumped back down onto the couch “ I should have seen she wasn’t ok, but no, I assumed she was ok because Sara’s always ok.”

“ But this time she wasn’t,” Greg told him “ it’s just not gonna be the same without her. I don’t even know how David’s gonna take the news either, he’s nuts about her.”

“ Yeah,” Nick nodded, a hint of a smile on his face “ I need to find her and bring her home, she’s gotta come back and see that she’s needed here.”

“ No, she has to see she’s wanted here, needing and wanting are too different things,” Greg told him “ the sooner she knows that she’s gonna break so many hearts by not being here, the sooner she’ll come home.”

“ I, I need to find her parents place,” Nick nodded “ maybe if I can find their number I can make her listen to me.”

“ Want some help?” Greg asked as he stood up, only to fall back down again in a heap.

“ No, it’s ok,” Nick said as he made his way towards his door “ thanks Greg, get some rest.”

Grissom stared helplessly towards the sun filtering through his windows. The brightness only seemed to cast more darkness inside his heart as the reality of losing Sara infiltrated his soul, leaving her face etched into his memory.

He needed her, needed to know that she was close to him even though at times he had kept his distance, something that would burn inside his heart for a long long time, taunting him with one of the worst mistakes he would ever make in his life.

Lying back against the leather couch, he closed his eyes as thoughts of her drifted through his mind. Her smile lighting his darkness making his whole body come alive. The times she had been so close he could feel the warmth of her body through the cloth barrier that kept them apart. Sitting up abruptly, he reached for the phone, pressing in a number that he knew could possibly end this nightmare “ Hello,” he spoke softly “ Simon, hi it’s Gil Grissom from Las Vegas crime lab.”

“ Oh Gil, hello, long time since I heard from you. If I remember, the last time I spoke to you, you took a damn good CSI from me”

“ Yes I know, and it’s because of Sara I’m calling. Listen I need to ask a favour.”

“ Ok.”

“ Sara left for Frisco today and I needed to ask her something, you wouldn’t have her parents number would you?” Grissom closed his eyes as he waited for the reply.

“ Hold on and I’ll check,” he replied, only to answer a few seconds later “ no number, but I have their address.”

Grissom let out the breath he was holding, sighing in relief as he leant across for a pen and paper “ Ok, can you give it to me?”

“ Hey Sara,” a voice spoke rousing her from her dreamless slumber. Slowly opening her eyes, she turned towards the voice and saw her father smiling over at her “ We’re here.”

“ Oh,” she gasped, rubbing tired hands over her face as she sat up straighter in the seat “ Dad I’m sorry I didn’t mean to doze off.”

“ Hey it’s ok, you looked as if you needed the sleep,” he told her “ come on, your mother can’t wait to see you.”

Sara’s eyes drifted out towards the house before her. So many memories flooded her as she took in the surrounding area, recognizing places long since banished to the far reaches of her mind.

She was brought out of her musings by a sudden delighted squeal as she saw her mother almost running towards the car. Smiling, Sara barely managed to climb out before her mother flung her arms around her neck and dragged her into her warm embrace.

Sara’s eyes closed as she let the love surround her, healing some tiny scars inside her heart that were caused so long ago. None of that mattered now she decided, no amount of long forgotten arguments could come between her and her mother again, not now, after she had come running back to her arms after so long.

“ Oh Sara,” she gasped, pulling away slightly to look into her daughters face “ look at you, you’re so beautiful.”

“ Oh mom stop,” Sara smiled, turning her face away “ you’re biased, mom’s are supposed to say that.”

“ Well you are, and not just because you’re still my baby,” she smiled “ and how did you manage to get so tall? I don’t remember having to look up at you when I looked into your eyes.”

“ I was always tall mom,” Sara smiled sadly “ but we never used to look at each other too much remember?”

Mrs. Sidle felt the smile slip from her face as she remembered the long arguments she used to have with her daughter. Silly fights that started by something so trivial that she couldn’t even remember what they were fighting about in the first place.         “ Well, that was a long time ago,” she told her as she hooked her arm through Sara’s “ You’re here now that’s all that matters.”

“ Hey mom, is it ok for me to stay here for a while? I’m sorry for just turning up.”

“ Of course you can stay, you don’t have to ask,” opening the door, the elder sidle ushered her daughter inside, intent on making up for all the damage they had caused each other so long ago.

A few hours later, Grissom awoke to the alarm beeping on his clock, indicating that in an hour shift would begin again. He knew he had to go into work some time, and the fact that Sara wasn’t there made it far less appealing for his mind to focus. He had to go in and face Cavallo and pretend to be shocked at the news he would undoubtedly be dealt with as soon as he entered the building.

His hand caught a piece of paper, catching it before it fluttered to the floor. As he looked down at it, his eyes gazed over his unique handwriting, the words saying so little but their meaning speaking volumes. The small piece of paper held something so precious that he handled it with as much care as he had taken while writing it; this was the key to his misery, the key to end it once and for all.

With a new hope in his heart, he stood to his feet. The last few hours had been a revelation for Gil Grissom. Feelings he had denied for so long had reared up to hold his prisoner, unwilling to yield for a single second until he admitted to himself that he was lost without Sara. Something that he was determined to rectify as soon as his doctor gave him the all clear to travel. It was time he was honest with the woman he loved, and it was time he was honest with himself.

With these thoughts easing the darkness inside his heart, he made his way towards the bathroom. Tonight he was going to change his life, forever.

Catherine looked up from her coffee cup as Warrick came into the break room to sit beside her. “ Hey you ok?” he asked.

She tried to force a smile for him, but it wouldn’t come. The intense guilt she found eating inside her, cast all other thoughts aside, causing her breath to catch in her throat more than once.

“ This is my fault,” she whispered “ Sara would still be here if it wasn’t for me.”

“ How do you make this all about you?” he asked softly, reaching a hand to her arm to gently give it a squeeze in reassurance  “ Look,” he sighed “ it doesn’t matter whose to blame, all that matters is that we need her to come home.”

“ I know that,” she said as she leaned over to place her cup on the table “ but where do we start?”

Before she could answer Nick came into the break room and sank into the chair next to her with a heavy sigh.

“ No luck huh?” she asked sadly.

“ I didn’t find a damn thing,” he groaned “ I called every Sidle in the damn book from Frisco to Tamales Bay and came back with squat.”

“ Well, maybe they are under a different name?” Warrick suggested helpfully, needing to do something other than nothing to get her home.

“ Yeah but what?” Nick groaned, throwing his hands into the air in frustration.

Outside in the corridor, Ecklie grinned at them as he came to a stop in the doorway “ Shame about Sidle,” he said, directing his words to Nick, knowing that they were having the desired effect “ So she left without saying anything huh? Shame, I kinda liked her when she wasn’t being such a….”

“ Shut your mouth,” Nick seethed as he leapt to his feet, only to be stopped by Warrick, who turned to Ecklie “ Get out of here and take your stench with you.”

“ Oh I’m hurt,” he drawled with a smile as he backed away “ hey where’s Gil? I’d like to give him the news myself, just to see the look on his face.”

As he turned, he came face to face with Grissom, and stopped in his tracks, momentarily phased by the look in his eyes.

“ You know Conrad,” Grissom spoke, his voice leveled with no trace of emotion “ there are times when I see things that disgust me, and seeing you is now one of those times.”

“ Really Gil,” he grinned “ too bad your little CSI didn’t stay to hear your speech isn’t it, but, oh that’s right, she ran didn’t she, ask yourself why before you try your insults on me.”

“ Oh I know all about Sara and I know why,” he retorted “ as for insults, I was only speaking the truth, if you took it as an insult then you must be very small minded. Now if you don’t mind Conrad, my team and I are here to work.”

Turning away he walked calmly into the break room, ignoring the wordless retort he could feel from Ecklie behind him.

Catherine waited a few seconds before she came closer to him “ He’s gone Gil,” she whispered “ how are you doing?”

“ I’m fine,” he told her, as he directed his words to all of them “ I am on my way to see Cavallo.”

“ Oh,” she sighed sadly “ does he know you know?”

Moving towards the door he turned slightly to face his team “ Look, we have to keep working as we do every night. Sara’s absence is only temporary, we are going to bring her home.”

“ Nice thought Griss,” Nick spoke angrily “ but where the hell do we start?”

“ Leave that to me,” he told him with a hint of a smile as he left the room, leaving a stunned silence behind him.

Back in Tamales Bay, Sara laid on her bed staring up at the ceiling. It was so good to be back home again, but the feeling was bitter sweet. She had retreated to her room, convincing her mother that she was tired, but the real reason was that she could feel the pain of her tears stinging her throat and it was becoming near impossible to control. So here, in private she could be alone with her emotions and the overwhelming sadness that had threatened to engulf her for months.

Her eyes drifted to the clock on the wall. They would be starting work now, she mused sadly. Her absence would probably be more of an inconvenience to them, and add breaking in a new CSI to that, well she wouldn’t be high on their popularity list for a while, not that she ever was, but she was probably less popular now than she had been before.

Thoughts of Grissom clouded her mind again and she felt the sadness wash over her once more, as the tears came. One by one they rolled from her eyes to drip off her cheek into her hair and no matter how much she fought to forget, she couldn’t banish the feelings from her heart and no amount of crying would ease the pain. He had tried everything to push her away, but she hadn’t listened to her heart, she hadn’t wanted to listen, until the words Catherine spoke to her made her listen. Why was she the only one who had been blinded all this time? He didn’t have feelings for her, he made that pretty clear, hell even Nick had started to avoid her, so now she had given them their freedom. They didn’t want or need her around them, she was the outsider after all, the unwelcome intruder who had been thrust into their lives whether they had wanted it or not. Well, now they were free of her. She had given them this last gift, the only thing she had left to give them because they had taken everything else from her, she had nothing left except her broken heart. She had given them the distance they wanted. She didn’t need to see the annoyance in their eyes anymore or to see how much they all despised her. They were free of her presence for good, so why did she miss them so much? Her treacherous heart ached with sorrow as another onslaught of tears flooded her eyes bringing with them huge shuddering sobs as she let the pain pour from her body. She missed him.

Grissom took a deep breath before wrapping his knuckles on Robert Cavallo’s door. He hoped, no he prayed, silently that he could convince him to hold onto Sara’s resignation for a while before making it official.

“ Come,” the voice called, and he slowly opened the door to walk in.

“ Gil,” Robert spoke, a hint of surprise in his voice “ I didn’t expect to see you for a few more days.”

“ Uh, no well I’ve only come back to help out for a few hours,” Grissom could feel his heart hammering inside his chest as he came to sit in the chair opposite Roberts desk.

“ Yes, I expect this is about Sara Sidle?” he sighed “ she’s a good CSI Gil, and her resignation came as a total shock, but that said, she told me she wouldn’t change her mind.”

“ Well it’s Sara I’m here about, you see there was a misunderstanding between us and I feel responsible. I know I’m the reason she’s resigned and she left before I had a chance to make my peace with her. She left without thinking Robert, and I know her well enough to know that she will regret it when she’s calmed down.” Grissom shifted in his chair as Cavallo caught him in his scrutinizing gaze.

“ What’s done is done Gil, I have abided by her decision. She came to me in confidence and I granted her what she wanted.”

“ Look, Robert,” Grissom sighed heavily, his voice pleading slightly “ all I’m asking here is for you to give her a few months until she comes to her senses. She’s probably regretting it right now and doesn’t think she has anywhere to turn.”

Robert regarded him for a long moment, the silence in the room deafening in Grissom’s ears as he resigned himself to the fact that he had maybe lost her this time, a fact that brought his heart to a near stand still, breaking it into a thousand pieces that tried desperately to find their way to her. Nodding silently, he began to get out of his chair.

“ Two months,” Robert spoke quietly, causing Grissom to turn sharply to face him. “ I will hold her job open for two months, then after that I have no choice but to take her resignation seriously. Until then however, you and your team will have to accept someone from day shift to fill her place.”

“ Thank you,” Grissom sighed in relief, as a smile formed on his face, repeating his words, “ Thank you.”

With a new hope in his heart, he closed the door behind him, his shattered heart slowly piecing together as the thought of her spoke gently to his soul. He was going to bring her home.

Grissom couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he made his way to his friend and colleague Doc Robbins. As he walked in, the older man looked up “ Hey I didn’t expect to see you back so soon. I trust it was successful?”

“ Yeah,” Grissom smiled “ I was lucky.”

“ Yes you was,” he nodded, “ I heard about Sara.” When Grissom didn’t reply, he tried a different approach “ So your hearing wasn’t the only thing you ignored hoping it would go away was it?” he asked “ Poor David has been walking around like a zombie since he heard she’d gone.”

“ I’m going to bring her back,” Grissom told him firmly, ignoring his previous comment “ I’ll fly out to Frisco and convince her she’s needed here.”

“ What do you mean you’ll fly? You can’t go,” Doc Robbins came around the table to face his friend “ You have just had surgery on your ears only a week ago. If you subject them to intense pressure now then you will definitely loose your hearing Gil, the pressure will cause irreversible damage.”

Grissom’s face fell as the words sank into him, leaving another crack inside his already fragile heart. He couldn’t go to her?

“ I’m sorry Gil,” he said softly “ but you can’t go yourself, you will be risking losing your hearing for good.”

“ If I don’t go I’ll lose Sara for good,” he retorted sadly, his face growing pale at his sudden awareness.

“ Then ask someone else to go for you,” Robbins suggested “ Nicky perhaps? She’s close to him.”

Grissom's heart screamed out to him in silence, telling him this was the right thing to do, so nodding sadly, he backed out of the room, leaving only silence in his wake.

In the break room, both Warrick and Catherine looked up as a woman came into the room. Both had to take a breath in shock, as her resemblance was uncannily alike to that of their lost friend. Something they had both been unprepared for.

“ Um hello,” she smiled, shoving out a hand towards Catherine “ I’m Tracey Williams, Sara Sidles replacement.”

Catherine looked at her outstretched hand with disgust refusing to give her any kind of welcome “ Sara is only gone for a short time, so you are not her replacement ok?”

“ Uh, I’m sorry,” Tracey stuttered, letting her hand fall to her side “ I was told by Mr. Cavallo that I would be working with you.”

Warrick tried to swallow the nausea in his throat as he gently pushed Catherine aside, trying to ease her anger “ I’m Warrick, this is Catherine, and you’ll have to forgive us, we just lost someone really special to all of us ok, and you saying you’re her replacement, well it doesn’t sit too well.”

“ I’m sorry,” Tracey nodded as she tried to ease the butterflies fluttering in her stomach “ well I’m not here to hurt anyone, I’m here to do my job. I hope we can all get along.”

Just then Nick came into the room and saw the woman with her back towards him. Immediately his heart started to race          “ Sara?” he gasped, moving forward only to stop stunned as she turned.

“ Sorry,” she shook her head “ I’m Tracey, I’m helping out for a while.”

Nick could feel the emotion rising in his heart again as he turned away from the woman who bore a similar resemblance to his best friend, and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing would come. So instead of embarrassing himself further, he turned away from them and walked away.

“ That’s Nick,” Warrick offered “ Sara’s best friend, so you’ll have to forgive him, you do look a little like her.”

“ Sounds like they were pretty close,” she mused.

“ Yes they are,” Catherine found her voice as she came forward, shoving out a hand “ Sorry I was so rude to you.”

Tracey sighed in relief and took the offered hand, happy that at last she had received a welcome, even if it had been rather reluctant.

In the corridor, Nick turned when he heard Grissom’s voice calling him from behind “ I need to talk to you.”

 Nodding, Nick waited until he caught up and began to walk with him “ So what’s on your mind?”

“ I need you to do something for me,” Grissom said, lowering his voice a notch.

“ If I can.”

“ I want you to go to Sara.”

“ You know where she is?” Nick gasped, grasping every word that Grissom had to offer, “ I’ve been trying to find her.”

“ Yes I know where she is, but unfortunately I can’t go due to this,” he raised a finger to his ear, waving it about in dismay as he averted his eyes “ Cavallo’s promised to keep her job open for two months.”

“ He has?” Nick turned to him, a smile forming on his lips “ That’s great.”

“ Yes it is,” Grissom nodded “ but you only have three days to convince her, we’re already operating on a skeleton crew as it is. It’ll mean of course that I’ll have to come back earlier than I planned.” Dipping a hand into his pocket, he pulled out a piece of paper with an address scrawled on it “ This is where she is.”

Nick’s eyes roamed the paper, this address the key to their lives, holding so much power over them all.

“ I’ll leave today,” he nodded “ she’s got to understand she’s left a huge gaping hole here.”

 Grissom sighed sadly, “ Listen, I’m going to my office for a while. I need to write her something. I want you to give it to her for me.”

“ Yeah, you know I will,” Nick watched the emotions cross Grissom’s face only to fade as quickly as they came, the tough exterior hiding his feelings once again claiming his face. “ I have some things I need to clear with her too. You’re not the only one who caused this Griss.”

Grissom nodded silently, slowly moving away before Nick stopped him again.

“ Well Cavallo didn’t waist time then did he?” Nick spoke, anger dripping from his words.

“ Excuse me?” Grissom asked, “ What are you talking about?”

“ Back there,” Nick jabbed his thumb over his shoulder “ she’s already arrived, Tracey something or other.”

“ Oh I see,” he sighed, “ well I suppose I had better go and introduce myself.”

“ Hey Griss,” Nick’s voice stopped him before he could go any further “ you should be prepared for something.”

“ Prepare for what?” Grissom asked, the numbing ache in his heart casting everything but Sara aside.

“ This Tracey, she um,” he stopped, tried to find the right words.

“ She what Nick?”

“ She looks a lot like Sara.”

Grissom watched Nicks mouth move but he couldn’t seem to process this information. Had Cavallo purposely found someone to resemble the woman who had torn their hearts in two to leave emptiness in her wake? Had he seen her and decided they needed to be punished further for their ignorance?

“ Thanks for the warning,” he managed before his breath caught in his throat “ I’ll have that letter ready for you before you leave.”

“ Ok,” Nick said softly, “ I’ll see you in an hour.”

Sara opened her eyes slowly to the sounds of birds singing outside her window. For a second she had to think where she was as her eyes scanned the unfamiliar room.

The last few days had seemed to weigh heavy on her heart as the whole truth of Grissom’s non feelings for her crashed down into her body, splintering her soul into a thousand pieces.

Sitting up slowly, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and prepared to stand up but was hit by a wave of dizziness and sat back down.

Every bone in her body screamed out in protest as she fought to keep the spinning room from pulling the carefully controlled nausea from rising. Had it been so long since she’d eaten?

Trying again, she managed to stand this time, walking slowly over towards the window. The new dawn had started to rise, bringing the sun up with it, making the sky a hazy blue.

As she gazed out to the cloudless sky, her mind wandered back to the place where she had left her heart behind. They would be half way through shift by now, she mused, and part of her longed to be back there with them, but the other part of her turned her thoughts away, reasoned with her that this was the right thing for her to do.

Turning away from the window, her hand came up to her dry mouth, fingers running along her dry lips. She had spent the whole night tossing and turning in a dreamless unsettled sleep where visions of the people she loved haunted her, mocking her love like some terrible disease.

Well no more, she decided, no more crying over some loss that had been overwhelmingly impossible from the start. They didn’t want her around, so why the hell was she spending all her time crying wasted tears over them?

She caught sight of her reflection in the bathroom mirror and found herself mesmerized by the haunted look that came from her eyes. She looked so different. Her eyes were dull and her skin pale, no wonder Grissom had pushed her as far away as he could, she looked like a freak.

Her sudden awareness brought fresh tears to her eyes but she swallowed them down defiantly. She would not waste any more tears on people who didn’t care about her. It was over, and the sooner she accepted that fact then the sooner she could accept her life alone.

Grissom sank back into his chair as he read and re-read his letter to Sara over and over again. He wanted to tell her everything but didn’t know how to say the words. How do you tell someone that they are your whole world and you knew all along but was an idiot and only realized when they had gone?

A knock sounded on his door and he called out to acknowledge he was here, without lifting his eyes from the paper before him.

The door opened slowly and he heard someone enter “ Hello.”

Looking up, Grissom felt his breath catching in his throat as his brain registered the woman before him.

“ I’m sorry to disturb you Doctor Grissom,” Tracey said softly “ but I was wondering if I could speak to you if you have a minute.”

“ Uh,” he muttered, his mouth gaping open until he realized what he was doing “ Um you must be Tracey Williams.”

“ Yes I am,” she smiled “ I thought I should introduce myself to you because the others seem to have left.”

Standing up, he held out a shaking hand “ I’m sorry about that, I had some business to take care of.”

She took the offered hand cautiously then moved away “ I’ve completed the fingerprint samples that Catherine gave me, I just wondered if there was anything else I needed to do?”

He was about to answer when Nick came to the door “ Hey Griss I’m..” then stopped “ Oh sorry I didn’t know you were busy.”

“ No it’s ok, Tracey here was introducing herself.” His eyes returned to the woman before him as he spoke in what he hoped resembled something near normal “ Go find Greg and I’ll join you in a few minutes.”

“ Ok,” she nodded as she left the room, her eyes switching from Nick to Grissom and feeling the unease between them crackling in the air.

“ Oh man,” Nick sighed sadly when she had gone,“ she looks so much like Sara.”

“ Yes,” Grissom replied softly, his voice trailing away before it could break completely. Picking up the paper on his desk, he folded it carefully before placing it in and envelope, then handed it over. “ Bring her home Nick.”

The younger man nodded as he took the precious item from Grissom’s fingers “ Is there anything you want me to tell her?”

“ It’s all in there,” Grissom told him, his eyes finding the letter in Nick’s hands “ make sure she knows she’s needed here.”

“ No I’ll tell her she’s wanted here Griss,” Nick corrected, his earlier conversation with Greg echoing in his mind “ I’ll see you in a few days.”

Turning away, he walked out of the room, placing Grissom’s treasure inside his bag, leaving silence behind him as the determination to find her outweighed everything else in his heart.

For a few minutes Grissom stared into the empty space, his heart screaming out in protest that Nick had gone to her instead of him, but he knew in his current state of health it would have been virtually impossible, and what if she refused to listen? Sighing heavily, he made his way to Greg’s lab, in search of the new woman on his team.

Sara came out of her room feeling the heaviness of her heart weighing down her body. She had showered and applied some minimal make up, hoping that her complexion would be enough to fool her mother into thinking she was just tired.

Making her way down the stairs, she was greeted with the smell of fresh coffee and toast. It seeped into her senses awakening her mind as she walked slowly towards the kitchen.

“ Mom?” she called as she opened the door to see her mother happily dancing to a song on the radio, humming along with the tune. Turning, she caught sight of her daughter and greeted her with a huge smile.

“ Good morning sunshine,” she beamed.

“ Mom you haven’t called me that since I was little,” Sara grinned, feeling the heaviness inside slowly lifting.

“ Well, you’re still my little girl, and you’re still my ray of sunshine,” she smiled again “ would you like some coffee?”

Sara walked further into the room, coming to stand next to her mother as she began to hum again to another song. Her mood was infectious, and Sara soon found herself singing along with her, the heaviness all but dying away as she felt her mothers love swooping in to replace any pain that had been left inside her heart.

For the first time in a long long time, Sara finally felt content, and she knew at this moment in time, coming home and back to her mother had been the one thing she needed to heal her wounds. She was home.

Catherine and Warrick came into the locker room together as the end of shift came around. Their conversation died away on their lips as they came face to face with Tracey Williams who was taking her bag out of her locker.

“ Oh hi,” she smiled, averting her eyes from Catherine’s scrutinizing stare, still unsure about the team she had been thrust into “I’m heading home.”

As she walked passed, Catherine caught her arm, stopping her from moving. Taking a deep breath she sighed, “ I’m sorry about before.”

“ Hey I understand,” Tracey nodded “ I’ll see you later.”

“ Ok,” Catherine moved her hand away, watching her leave before she let out the breath she was holding before turning to the man beside her “ I was so nasty to Sara when she first came here, I can’t help thinking that if I’d been a little nicer she wouldn’t have left.”

“ Hey we were all a little off with her when she first arrived,” he sighed, placing a hand on her shoulder “ I gave her my fair share of grief believe me.”

“ I know,” her voice softened as she turned to face him, the unshed tears in her eyes threatening to roll down her face “ I said some things to her after Eddie died, some things I’m not proud of.”

“ She knows you didn’t mean it Cath, you were grieving,” he told her as he placed both hands on her shoulders, making her look up into his eyes.

“ I was angry,” she whispered “ I accused her of not being good enough, I told her she was a useless CSI, and if it wasn’t for Grissom she’d be out on her ass,” she looked away from the shock registering in his eyes as a tear slid down her face “ I never apologized and she never asked me for anything. I should be the one out there and alone War, I’m as much to blame for her leaving as everyone else.”

“ Look we are gonna get her back ok? Then you can make things up to her,” moving forward, he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight to his chest “, she’s a part of us, she needs to know this place isn’t the same without her.”

“ I tried to apologize when she found out that Hank had another girlfriend,” she whispered against his chest “ I took her for a beer and tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t open up. I ended up knowing less about her than I had before.”

“ Look, we can beat ourselves up about this as much as we want, but it doesn’t change anything,” pulling back, he looked down into her eyes “ Sara’s still gone and we are all still gonna miss her.”

“ Yeah,” she sighed, “ you’re right.”

“ Come on, let’s go and find Nick,” he told her placing an arm around her shoulder “ see if he’s ok.”

“ I just want to stop by and see Gil first,” she nodded.

“ Ok,” he smiled as he opened the door for her “ I’ll find Nick and we’ll go out for breakfast.”

Grissom looked up from his desk when Catherine came into his office “ Hey, how you doing?”

He was silent for a long time, trying to calm his voice as it threatened to crack with the aching loss he felt inside his heart. Taking off his glasses, he looked up at her and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.

“ We all miss her Gil,” she spoke for him, her words conveying the feelings that matched his own torrid emotions “ and we all feel responsible for making her feel she didn’t belong here with us, me especially.” Averting her eyes from his, she came over to sit in the chair opposite his desk.

Grissom watched her silently, he couldn’t seem to conjure up the energy to speak as the fatigue in his tired body seemed to weigh him down, taking his heart along with it.

“ I don’t know how you are feeling right now Gil,” Catherine sighed sadly “ but I can only imagine how lost you must feel.”

“ Lost?” he asked then, finding his voice as it cracked out from the endless sea of pain his soul seemed to be submerged in since Sara had left.

“ Yes lost,” she told him “ look I know you ok, and I know you cared about her.”

“ Cared?” he asked then, brief anger sparking in his eyes only to dies away as quickly when he saw her eyes mirroring his pain “ I care about her Cath, she’s not dead you know, and she will be back.”

“ How can you be sure?” she whispered sadly “ I mean we pushed her so far away when she needed us Gil, how could she ever come back and forgive us? I know I couldn’t.”

“ I know her,” his words slipped from his lips as he stood shakily to his feet “ I think I’m gonna head home.”

“ Warrick was going to find Nick and take him out for breakfast, you going to join us?”

He was about to speak when Warrick came into the room, his eyes worried “ I can’t find Nick anywhere, and he’s not answering his phone.”

“ He’s not here,” Grissom said as he gathered up the files from his desk.

“ Not here? What has he gone home already?” Catherine’s voice raised a notch, worry etched into every word.

“ Griss?” Warrick pushed, moving closer.

Grissom’s hands stilled as he looked up to face them “ Nick has gone to see Sara.”

“ What?” Catherine gasped, “ You know where she is?”

“ I..”

“ You didn’t think we’d want to see her too?” Warrick accused angrily, his breath catching in his throat.

“ Look,” Grissom sighed “ I called her old boss and found out her parent’s address ok,” snatching his hands down to the files he picked them up and moved towards the door, his voice softening as he turned to face them briefly “ I would have given anything to go to her.”

“ Then why didn’t you?” Catherine asked sadly, moving closer as she saw the sorrow seeping from his eyes “ I’d have covered for you, you know that.”

Grissom turned away slightly as his voice broke “ It was medically impossible.” He heard the audible gasp that came from Catherine behind him but he didn’t turn around. Wordlessly he walked away from them, leaving silence in his wake.

Sara looped her arm through her mothers as they walked along the sidewalk gazing into shop windows. Coming here had been the best thing she could have done to ease her aching heart. Here she could be herself. There were no questions, no demands made upon her and she was enjoying this newfound bond she had discovered with her mother.

They were friends again, best friends, and that was something she hadn’t felt for such a long time.

“ Mom can I ask you something?”

“ Of course you can sweetheart,” she smiled as she gazed up towards her daughter.

 Sara felt the sadness inside her rear up suddenly, bringing with it the love she had tried so hard to banish from her heat, but it remained, demanding to be acknowledged.

“ Dad’s a lot older than you right?”

“ Yes he is,” she smiled fondly “ almost eleven years, why?”

Taking a deep breath, she lowered her voice “ There’s this guy,” she started “ I..”

When she didn’t continue, her mother pulled her arm closer “ You’re in love with him?”

Tears flooded Sara’s eyes as she looked into her mother’s face, the understanding she saw there fuelling her feelings as she nodded silently.

“ Let me guess,” Mrs. Sidle sighed, “ he doesn’t love you?”

“ I thought he did,” she whispered, wiping away the beginning of a tear as it tried to escape from her eyes “ but now, I don’t think he ever felt that way about me.”

“ Does he know how you feel?” her mother asked, “ I love your father, but sometimes if I don’t spell it out and draw him a diagram he doesn’t get it.”

Sara smiled sadly before she felt the burning inside her throat bringing an onslaught of pain “ Yeah he knows.”

“ And he let you go?”

“ I didn’t tell him I was leaving mom,” she sighed “ he kept some things from me, major things he didn’t want to trust me with, and I knew I had to get away before he came back.”

“ Well by the looks of you sweetheart, you still love him, and hiding isn’t going to make those feelings go away.”

“ I know,” Sara, sighed, “ I just need to find myself again before I can decide what to do with the rest of my life. That’s why I came home.”

“ Well I’m glad you told me,” she smiled “ and you can stay as long as you want.”

“ Thanks mom.”

They came to a stop beside Mrs. Sidle’s car and climbed in. “ Mom can you not tell dad about this? You know what he’s like, he’ll tell Joe then I’ll have to explain it all to him too.”

“ I won’t tell him sweetheart, and believe me I know your brother all too well.” Leaning over, she squeezed Sara’s hand before starting the car “ let’s go home,” she smiled.

They sang together with the songs on the car radio on the short journey home, both of them enjoying each other’s company more than they ever had in the past.

Pulling up outside the B&B, Sara reached over to turn off the radio “ Thanks for listening mom,” she smiled.

“ You ever need to talk sweetie, I’m here for you,” her mother beamed “ come on, let’s go and make sure your father hasn’t set fire to the kitchen.”

Gathering the bags from the seat, Sara turned to follow her mother through the door and stopped dead in her tracks as she came face to face with a familiar face she knew so well.

“ Nick,” she managed to gasp before she found herself crushed into his chest as he surrounded her with his arms.

Sara’s whole body betrayed her as she found her arms dropping the bag in her hand to slide up his back to embrace him, the heat from his body filling her with a temporary release from the pain she had been living in for months.

“ God Sara,” he whispered hoarsely, tightening his arms around her, holding her closer, afraid to release his hold on her            “ we’ve been so worried about you.”

His words hit a nerve, triggering the anger that had been bubbling on and off inside her for weeks. Moving her arms she pushed against his chest to break the hold he had on her, to step back away from him, her arms falling to her side.

“ What are you doing here Nick?” she asked quietly, watching his eyes fill with emotion at the coldness in her voice.

“ Sara you left without a word, we’ve been going out of our minds worrying about you, worrying if you’re ok.” He took a step closer to her; desperate to repair the severed bond they shared not so long ago.

“ As you can see I’m fine,” she told him, fighting to keep her voice leveled against the overwhelming sadness that fought against her heart.

“ Are you?” he asked then “ are you really fine? Because if you are then I will turn around and go back to Vegas and leave you to your life.”

Closing her eyes, she swallowed the lump burning in her throat. She knew she could never lie to him, yes she may have been able to fool him these last few weeks, but when it came down to it, she still loved him as much as she did her own brother.

“ Sara,” her mother spoke softly from the doorway, causing her to open her eyes to gaze into her trusting eyes “ why don’t you take your friend to the garden, it’s quiet and a good place to clear your head.”

Nick’s eyes met with Mrs. Sidles face. The resemblance between mother and daughter struck him instantly and he offered her a smile before turning back towards Sara “ Please Sara,” he asked, his voice near desperation “ please talk to me, let me try and make this right.”

She was silent for what seemed like an eternity before she nodded slowly. She kept her eyes carefully averted from his, unwilling to let him see the pain inside her brown depths. Turning away from him, she walked towards the door and motioned for him to follow her.

Nick’s eyes left hers briefly to offer her mother a silent thank you as he moved to follow Sara outside.

They walked in silence, stealing looks at each other only to turn away when they caught each other’s gaze “ Can I ask you something?” he asked softly, breaking their silence.

“ Depends what it is,” she sighed.

“ Why didn’t you tell me you thought I was mad at you?”

His words sank into her heart, causing her to stop abruptly to face him “ You haven’t spoken to me in weeks Nick, what was I supposed to think?” Without waiting for a reply, she started to walk again, leaving him to walk slowly behind her.

“ I was never mad at you Sara, I promise you I wasn’t. It’s just that..”

“ Just what?” she asked then, her voice full of venom “ It’s bad enough Grissom ignores me all the time, but you too? What the hell is so wrong with me that you all think I don’t deserve your respect, damn it Nick, I’ve earned it.”

“ I respect you Sara, and a whole lot more besides that. I was scared ok,” he groaned, trying desperately to make her understand but only succeeding in confusing her more.

“ Scared?” she asked then, his words mocking her “ I haven’t slept a whole damn night without seeing glass flying into my face and you’re scared?”

Nick’s mouth gaped open with her words, he didn’t know how to respond to her without causing more pain than he had already inflicted on her. He settled for lifting a hand to her shoulder, hoping she wouldn’t shake it away “ I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention. I’m sorry I dragged you out to a crime scene when it was obvious you were still in shock.”

She turned away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears brimming in her eyes “ All I wanted for so long was for you to notice I needed you, but you didn’t come, you left me alone for so long Nick, you all did.”

“ I know Sara,” he whispered, taking a step closer towards her “ and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but I am really really sorry.”

“ Maybe, maybe not,” she told him sadly “ it’s too late now anyway, I’ve left that life behind.”

“ It’s not too late Sara,” he told her urgently, his fingers holding onto her arm as he turned her around to face him “ please don’t tell me I came all this way for you to tell me you’ve left us behind.”

“ Why not Nick?” she asked softly, her eyes meeting his “ you all left me behind a long time ago.” As she spoke, a single tear fell from her eyes to roll down her cheek, followed by another as she closed her eyes to stop them “ I can’t let you hurt me anymore. I learned to handle Grissom’s rejection; I learned to ignore the disgust in his eyes whenever he looked at me, but you Nick? I thought I would always have you, but you left me too. You turned your back on me when I needed you most and you’re right, I don’t know if I can forgive you for that. Not now anyway.”

“ And I don’t deserve anything less than that, hell if it was me, I’d do the same, but you are wrong about one thing.”

“ I’ve been wrong about a lot of things Nick, I doubt there’s just one,” she sighed sadly, bringing a hand to brush a tear away from her eyes.

“ Grissom,” he told her simply.

His name triggered another onslaught of tears that she tried desperately to keep behind her veil of pretence “ He made it clear to me that he doesn’t have any feelings where I’m concerned Nick, so don’t come here with the lies he’s obviously fed to you because you can get on that damn plane and get the hell out of my life. He doesn’t want or need me anymore,” pulling away from him she moved towards a small bench to sit down, her whole body shaking as she tried to control her breathing “ he never really did.”

“ You’re wrong honey,” he told her as he came towards her and crouched down next to her knees “ he’s a mess Sara. He wanted to come and see you himself but he was told he couldn’t because of his surgery. He really wants you Sara, believe me he’s feeling as bad as you are right now.”

“ If that’s true,” she whispered through tears “ why was I the last one to know about his hearing? Why was I the only one he didn’t trust?”

“ I can’t speak for him Sara,” he sighed as he came to sit beside her to place a tentative arm around her shoulder “ I only found out by accident, and he didn’t ask Catherine to go with him, she just turned up.” When she didn’t shake his arm away he moved closer to pull her into his arms “ Vegas is so empty without you.”

“ Nice words Nick, but he still told Catherine before anyone else,” she mumbled against his chest “ it doesn’t change the way I feel.”

“ Maybe if you told me how you feel I can help with that,” he whispered, pulling her closer into his arms.

“ I don’t belong in Vegas Nick,” she disentangled herself from his arms as she sat back to look into his eyes “ I should never have agreed to stay on after the Holly Gribbs case.”

“ Then I would have never got to know you. None of us would have,” he told her, reaching out to take one of her hands gently in his.

“ Maybe that would have been better for everyone don’t you think?” Her voice shook as she spoke, her honesty scaring him.

“ Better? How could not knowing you be better?”

“ Come on Nick,” she sighed “ we’ve been over this already. Look I forgive you, now everyone’s happy. Just go home and forget you ever knew me ok, just like all the rest.” Pulling her hands away from his she stood abruptly to stare down at him “ I can’t take the silence anymore. Tell me if I hadn’t have left when I did, would you even be talking to me right now?”

“ Sara, I..”

“ No you wouldn’t Nick, and I’ll tell you why,” her eyes glared down into his as she spoke, the anger and pain mixing into a torrid cocktail as she poured out her frustrations in her words “ Griss has been ignoring me ever since he told me to get a life, so I get one, because he told me to and then he punishes me for it. But I coped with it, I learnt to adapt, hell I’ve done it before right?” She started to pace as her words mixed with angry tears “ Hank was my friend, but none of you believed me, so in the end I decided to hell with everyone and took a chance with him which turned out bad again, my mistake right? I mean what is so wrong with me anyway? What is it about me that drive’s men away? Or maybe it’s just me,” she ranted, flinging her arms into the air as she spoke “ maybe I’m not meant to be loved, yeah that’s it. Some bizarre kick of fate that has decided Sara Sidle doesn’t deserve anything but pain, well I’m tired of it ok?” Turning to him she stopped suddenly, her ragged breath drawing out of her body in painful waves, her words softening, “ I am so tired of all of it Nicky.”

Nick watched her as she sank back down beside him on the bench. Reaching out he touched her hand before moving her to face him “ Feel better now?”

Despite her anger, she laughed through it “ No.”

“ Look honey, I know I won’t win any friend of the year awards, but I wouldn’t have come all the way out here to see you if I didn’t want to,” shifting closer, he pulled her into his chest, encircling her in his arms “ but believe me Sara, everyone does miss you.”

“ Maybe that’s not enough anymore,” she whispered sadly “ I love a man who doesn’t even see me, so what’s the point of putting myself through it all over again?”

Pulling away, Nick pulled an envelope from his jacket pocket and handed it to her “ This might change some things,” he told her as she took it from him.

“ What is it?” she asked him cautiously, afraid of what the contents might reveal.

“ Grissom wanted me to give it to you. I don’t know what’s inside, I only know that he took a long time to write it.”

“ Yeah,” she sighed with a smile “ probably a letter to say thanks for getting off his back.”

“ Sara,” he scolded sadly “ give the guy a break ok?”

“ Why? He never gave me one,” she turned the letter over and placed it back into his hands before standing up.

“ Sara?”

“ I need to go and help my mother with some things,” she told him as she started to walk away.

Finding his feet, he raced to walk next to her, grabbing hold of her arm to turn her around, stopping her in mid stride. He held up the letter again, taking her hand and slapping it into her hands “ Just read what he has to say, that’s all I ask ok?”

Sara fell silent. The letter laying in her hand causing more than her curiosity to stir deep inside her heart “ Ok,” she sighed then, meeting his eyes briefly before stuffing it into her pocket “ but later, I can’t do this now.”

“ That’s ok,” he breathed, moving his hand to her shoulder as he gave it a squeeze “ I just want you to be happy Sara, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“ I don’t know how to be happy Nick,” she sighed sadly as she brought a hand up to lay it atop his on her shoulder “ I think happiness is something that comes to other people, just not people like me.”

Her words cut through to his heart, unveiling for the first time with perfect clarity, the extent of her pain, and it hurt him just as deeply. Moving closer he cupped her face in his hands before leaning down to press a gentle kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger over her skin for a few seconds before pulling away “ You deserve to be happy Sara, and I think that if you give Griss a try, he’ll be able to help you.”

“ And again we’re back to Grissom,” she sighed heavily, pulling away from him to keep a hold of one of his hands “ do something for me Nicky?” she asked sadly as she met his eyes with her own.

“ Anything.”

“ Can we not talk about him?” she whispered “ not right now, not today.”

“ If that’s what you want,” he nodded, reaching down to squeeze her hand.

Wordlessly, she led him back inside, satisfied with his answer.

“ You hungry?” she asked him once they moved inside “ I could cook you something if you want.”

Nick’s eyes roamed her face as she spoke, seeing for himself the lines of fatigue outlining her eyes “ Only if you eat too.”

“ I’m ok,” she sighed, “ I’m not hungry.”

“ So when was the last time you ate something?”

“ What is this Nicky?” she demanded then, her voice rising on a note of anger “ why are you so concerned about me now?”

“ I’m worried about you Sara, that’s all. Everyone’s worried about you.” As he spoke he stepped closer to clasp one of her hands before she could snatch it away.

“ Look,” she sighed again as her eyes came up to his “ I’m fine ok? I’m always fine.”

“ No you’re not,” he protested as he gave her hand a squeeze.

Shaking her head, she looked away from him, the bitterness in her voice returning once again “ I had to be fine Nick, remember?”

He opened his mouth to speak but she continued her tirade, cutting him off as she pulled her hand from his “ None of you cared enough to ask if I was ok after the accident, not one of you.” Turning away from him, she kept her voice leveled, hiding the anger behind her words” And here you are, weeks after the fact claiming to be worried about me?”

“ Sara?”

“ No Nick,” she said sadly, whirling around to face him again “ don’t come here and tell me what you think I want to hear because it won’t work this time ok. I know where I fit into your life, so don’t pretend to be concerned now, not after you brushed me aside so quickly.”

Closing his eyes, Nick could feel the fear creeping up inside his heart as he tried again “ I said I was sorry Sara. I don’t know what else you want me to say because I’m lost,” stepping towards her he looked at her, letting his emotions wash over his eyes “ I don’t know what you want from me.”

“ I don’t want anything,” she told him, her eyes betraying the emotions rising into her heart “ not anymore.”

“ Sara I know I hurt you ok, I know what I did sucks, but please don’t shut me out of your life, not after we’ve been through so much together,” when he saw her eyes close in defeat, he rose a shaky hand to push a stray strand of hair behind her ear “please?”

“ Two days ago,” she mumbled as she turned away from him, her fingers fiddling with the necklace around her neck.

“ What’s two days?” he asked worriedly, stepping closer to place a hand on her shoulder from behind. When she didn’t answer he spoke again “ Sara?”

“ Since I ate,” she said softly “ so maybe I will eat with you after all.”

“ Does this mean you forgive me?” he asked hopefully, his voice catching in his throat as he spoke.

“ I don’t know why but god help me I still love you even after you’ve shit on me one too many times,” she turned to face him   “ but I swear Nick if you ever hurt me again..”

“ I won’t,” he gasped quickly, moving forward to crush her against his chest “ I promise Sara. You are the best friend I have ever had in my life and I don’t want to lose you, ever.”

“ You almost did,” she whispered against him, causing his arms to tighten around her wordlessly, the truth in her words frightening him more than anything he had ever experienced before.

They stayed enclosed in each other’s arms for what seemed like an eternity until the growling of Nick’s stomach interrupted the silence surrounding them. Despite her mood Sara laughed against him, moving away to smile up into his eyes “ Just like always hey Nick?”

“ Sorry,” he grinned, his face flushed with embarrassment.

Pulling on his hand, she offered him a smile, “ Come on, I’ll see what we have in the kitchen.”

The hours seemed to melt away from them as they rediscovered their friendship, seeing each other through new eyes, resurrecting the deep affection that had been forged between them in what seemed like a lifetime ago now.

As night time came around once again, they spent their time sitting out in the garden, the dark blanket of night caressing them as they gazed up into the sky.

 “ I wish you was coming with me tomorrow,” he sighed sadly as he draped an arm around her shoulders. Their time together had become so precious to him in these past few hours, ploughing into his heart with the painful knowledge that taunted him with all the time he had wasted when he had turned her away.

Sara closed her eyes to his words. She knew they had finally restored the strong bond that bound them together, and she wouldn’t trade the last few hours for all the world, but her heart still ached with its heavy burden,“ I can’t Nick, you know I can’t.”

“ I don’t want to lose you Sara,” he whispered, drawing her closer to him “ I’m scared that when I leave here tomorrow I’ll never see you again.”

“ Sweetie I thought we’d been through this already,” she smiled, pushing herself forward out of his embrace so she could face him “ I will call you and write to you as often as I can. And once I know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, you will be the first to know.”

“ You are an excellent CSI Sara,” he told her “ don’t throw your career away because of this.”

“ This?” she whispered sadly, her mind drifting back to the last conversation she had had with Grissom. He’d referred to their relationship as a ‘this’, and she couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped from her lips, casting confusion into Nick’s eyes.

“ Honey you’ve lost me,” Nick said softly as he reached out to take her hands in his “ what are you talking about?”

“ You know, you’re such a man, you all stick together don’t you?” she asked him as the smile fell away from her face “ did he tell you the real reason why I left? I mean apart from him not confiding in me about his hearing?”

“ To be honest with you, I probably didn’t listen,” he smiled “ I was so desperate to find you I didn’t think of anyone else.”

“ And that’s what makes you so different from him,” she sighed sadly, her eyes finding his, wanting him to understand some of the pain she was going through.

“ Who Grissom?” he smiled “ honey he is way too secretive for me to ever know what he’s thinking.”

“ I asked him out to dinner after the accident,” she smiled sadly, her fingers lacing with his as she spoke, “ he said no, he didn’t even think about it, he just said no, just like that, and then he referred to what I laughingly call my relationship with him as a ‘this.’”

“ He turned you down?” he asked slightly stunned. This part of the events in question, he definitely didn’t know about.

“ Yeah,” she sighed, forcing a smile to her lips “ he said he didn’t know what to do about ‘this,’ meaning me and him. Hah,” she snorted “ and that’s a joke if ever I heard one.”

“ Well he’s an idiot,” he sighed, pulling her into his arms again as he leaned them back to look up into the starry sky “ and I bet he knows he’s an idiot right about now. Wasn’t until you’d gone that he realized how he felt about you.”

“ Yeah,” she sighed “ and I’ll believe that when I see Ecklie walk into the lab wearing nothing but his underwear and a smile.”

“ Eww girl did you have to give me that mental image?” he grinned, his lips nuzzling her hair softly “ All I know is what I saw Sar, he is a mess without you.”

“ So you keep saying.”

“ Promise me you’ll read it?” he whispered into her ear as he tightened his arms around her.

“ I said I would, but in my own time,” she moved back, pulling out of his arms to smile into his eyes “ I’m glad you came.”

“ Me too,” he whispered as he reached out to take her offered hands, pulling him up to stand beside her “ Which room did mom give you?”

Letting go of her hand, he delved into his pocket to pull out a key “ Room six.”

“ Oh that’s a nice room,” she smiled “ I stayed in that one a few times when I was home visiting.”

“ You did huh?” he smiled.

“ Yep,” reaching over to him again, she snaked an arm around his waist “ it’s getting late, you should sleep.”

“ I should but I don’t want to,” he smiled, as they began the slow stroll back towards the house.

“ I’ll still be here when you wake up,” she smiled as she slapped his chest with her free hand “ honestly sweetie, you are such a worrier.”

“ See that’s why you should come home,” he grinned, “ you keep me grounded.”

“ One problem at a time ok?” she told him, stopping as they reached the door to step inside “ get some sleep Nick.”

His eyes smiled into hers as he reached down to kiss her forehead “ Yes mom.”

He managed to deflect the hand that she tried to swat him with, the smile on her face contagious as they giggled helplessly, both of them shushing the other as they reached his room.

“ Night Sara,” he whispered softly, the smile dying away as the realization of the next day came flooding back into his mind. Sara could see the pain flash inside his eyes and felt her own heart ache with loss for him. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could say a word, she reached up to him placing a finger to his lips “ Don’t say it,” she told him softly “ I’ll see you in the morning.”

His eyes flooded with emotion as he caught her hand with his, bringing it to his lips so he could place a soft kiss on her fingers  “ Night.”

She waited until he had closed his door behind him before she made her way to her own room, the sorrow of having to say goodbye in the morning already eating away at her defenses. Her anger had fuelled her over the past few days, and now it had started to slowly melt away what was left to keep her from fighting her heart?

She clicked on the lamp beside her bed before sitting down onto the soft mattress. Her eyes scanned the room engulfing her in emptiness, roaming the soft furnishings to come to rest on the envelope that called out to her, beckoning her closer, begging to be read.

Reaching out, her fingers touched the edges before picking it up to gaze down at it. She recognized Grissom’s unique scrawl and in some odd way it seemed to speak to her heart, calling for her to tear down her defenses and return to him.

With a heavy sigh she laid back down onto the bed, taking the letter with her as she brought it to her face to sniff in the lingering scent of him that still managed to tear through her walls.

She closed her eyes as thoughts of him invaded her mind, bringing his smile to her heart as she remembered the days of what seemed an eternity ago when he used to value her closeness.

The loss of him sparked the tears that only came at night, her sorrowful ritual falling freely from her eyes as she washed the pain away, little by little banishing the heavy ache that had taken possession of her heart.

Her other hand came up to caress the only piece of Grissom she had left, holding his small token to her chest as the tears fell in painful waves until her body, overcome with fatigue, finally gave up the battle to carry on as she fell into a restless sleep.

Early morning sunshine filtered through the window, casting light onto Sara’s sleeping face. Slowly, her eyes came open, blinking away the invading sun as it shone brightly to cast it’s heated rays into her room.

She shifted onto her side, taking the letter that she had held to her chest while she slept with her.

She found her gaze focused on the white envelope as she sat up to sit on the edge of her bed. With trembling hands she lifted it into her lap, handling it with as much care as she had while sleeping with it in her protective embrace. She couldn’t claim to know these feelings that bombarded her heart with aching intent, she couldn’t even deny that she still loved him, but try as she might, she couldn’t banish him from her heart, and it cut so deeply that she had to gasp for breath whenever his face invaded her mind. Absentmindedly, she brushed her thumb across her name, knowing that Grissom had written it with his own hands, bringing a new revelation that jolted her heart into wakefulness. Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time to grant her heart that one thing it needed, so she turned the envelope over and began to pull it open carefully.

Her fingers trembled as she carefully slid one between the sealed flaps, treating it with the care in which it had been written. Whatever this letter told her, whether it was the final key to shatter her heart, she knew he had written it, his words, his heart, and even though this paper she held in her hands was such a small token, it was from him. He had given her a tiny part of himself, something that would sustain her heart for the lonely years ahead.

 A tap on her door startled her, making her drop the letter onto her mattress. Sliding her feet to the floor she stood up.

“ Sara it’s mom,” came the voice through the door “ sweetheart it’s almost nine o’clock, your friend will be leaving soon.”

“ Nick,” she gasped, as she rushed to open the door, “ Why did you let me sleep this late mom?” she asked hurriedly as she ran a brush through her hair.

“ You seemed tired.”

“ God I almost missed him,” Sara groaned, pushing passed her mother.

“ Sara?” she asked then, bringing her to a halt on the landing “ don’t you think you should get dressed?”

Sara looked down at herself and shook her head “ Nick’s seen me at my worst mom, he wouldn’t care if I walked around half naked.”

“ Oh I very much doubt that,” she smiled watching with an amused smile as Sara dashed away towards the kitchen.

Nick looked up as she entered the room breathlessly “ Hey you’re awake,” he beamed.

“ Yeah I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep so long,” she came over to take his offered hand and sat down beside him “ so are you all set?”

“ Yep,” he nodded down towards his bag “ got everything.”

“ Good,” she smiled sadly, part of her wishing she could go with him but she pushed it away. “ Don’t forget to call me when you get back ok? I don’t want to have to worry about you getting lost or something.”

“ Me?” he laughed, “ If I remember honey it was you who got us lost.”

“ I took a wrong turn,” she smiled “ and you won’t ever let me forget it will you?”

“ Nope.”

They fell into a comfortable silence, neither wanting to break the spell with simple words that would end these last few hours they had shared.

“ Sar?” he spoke softly, his fingers stroking her hands as he looked into her face.

“ Don’t,” she whispered. Closing her eyes against the rising tears that came into her eyes “ please.”

“ I’m going to miss you so much,” he told her as his voice started to betray his raging emotions “ I wish you was going with me.”

“ I know Nick,” she sniffed sadly “ but I’m not ready, I’m just not strong enough right now, I wish you could understand that.”

“ I do,” he told her sadly, clinging onto her hands with both of his as he fought the tears in his eyes.

“ I need to do this my own way,” she whispered “ and you have to let me.”

He nodded as he squeezed her hands gently. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Sara’s mother “ Your taxi’s here.”

He felt Sara’s hand clutching his harder as the dreaded time for his departure had crept towards them. He squeezed her fingers gently as his eyes turned towards her mother, “ Thanks ma’am,” he nodded, offering her a small smile before retuning his gaze towards her daughter.

“ I’ll ask him to wait for a few more minutes,” she told them quietly, backing out of the room, “ give you time to say goodbye.”

“ Thanks mom,” Sara’s voice cracked as the tears began to fall from her eyes and she found herself pulled into his arms as they rocked each other, both offering some sort of comfort against the hopeless situation they had become trapped in.

“ I have to go,” he sniffed after a few moments, slowly disentangling himself from her arms to hold her at arms length.

“ You take care,” she told him through tears “ promise me.”

“ I promise,” he nodded as he leant down to place a kiss on her forehead before stepping away from her. She watched him sadly as he picked up his bag and walked towards the door, but when she made the move to follow him he surprised her by shaking his head “ No Sara,” he breathed “ stay here…please?”

She understood his meaning, her heart aching with the same pain as he felt in his. With a heavy heart she watched silently as he walked away from her.

“ Tell him I’m sorry,” she said suddenly, whispering the words to his retreating form knowing that he hadn’t heard her “ tell him I miss him,” she looked down to the floor as the ever-present emotions began to seep into her eyes. Turning towards the window, she watched as the taxi drove away, taking her last link to the man who would forever hold her heart. She held her breath, gulping down the tears as they came to her eyes in overflowing sorrow, before turning away from her self inflicted torture, leaving the kitchen to return to the safety of her room.

Her eyes were blinded with tears as she opened her door slowly. A few days ago this room had been her sanctuary but now it seemed like an empty prison that endured her sorrow, holding her captive by its ability to let her release the pain.

Moving over to the bed, her hands reached down to the letter that lay abandoned on her covers, it’s call promising to either ease her pain or intensify it. Sitting down onto the soft mattress she turned the envelope over and began ripping it open, her hands shaking as she pulled out the folded paper, her fumbling fingers opening it for his written words to tumble out into her heart.

Her eyes scanned over the few written words, their meaning simple but their power symbolizing so much more. Tears filled her eyes again as she fell back onto her bed, clutching the sheet of paper to her heart, her mind reliving his words.

       ‘ Sara I think I finally figured it out, it’s not the lab that needs you, even though I still don’t know what to do about this.

                      I think I know someone who does…that’s if she’ll give me a chance to apologize’

Gil Grissom used to pride himself on his ability to hide his emotions, burying them so deep that they would only surface at times when he was alone. Now was one of those times.

He lay on his couch and stared up at his ceiling as images washed over him. The bittersweet remembrance cracking his heart as he fought to keep the memories under control.

His whole life had been turned upside down and blown totally off balance by one woman who had been capable of slipping through his defenses, silently taking possession of his heart before he even realized what was happening.

Then one day he found himself reacting to her voice. His heart fluttered inside his chest, causing gooseflesh to rise over his body and he felt like a teenager all over again.

She had unnerved him, made him totally lose control and maybe that’s what terrified him the most. She could possess his mind with her presence, could command his actions with a single word, and no matter how much he tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, he couldn’t control the flash of heat that rose through his body whenever he was near her.

So he pushed her away, time and time again. He thought in some far corner of his brain that if he pushed her away the growing affection he had begun to feel for her would eventually die away, leaving his heart to live once again in solitude. But how could he have ever known that his whole plan to distance himself from her would end up causing him more pain than he had ever been witness to in his entire life.

He pushed her away and she came back, stronger than before, until there came a time in his life when he couldn’t imagine a day without her. But still, he did nothing, he remained silent, never once letting her feel the burning desire he felt for her every second of their time together. He was lost, his heart and body aching for her touch even if his mind refused to listen.

He found himself drawn closer to her whenever they worked on a case. His own body acting on its own accord, defying his rational brain only to take a step closer to her, anything to feel the warmth of her body close to his. He fought with his heart, every second, and sometimes his heart won the battle, releasing soft admissions before he had a chance to stop them tumbling from his mouth.

                                                         ‘Since I met you’

As time wore on he realized that her importance in his life had become his focus. Even if he denied everything to her face and even his own heart, he knew she held his soul in her hands, and no other woman had ever become this close before.

Then suddenly, without warning, everything changed. With one painful truth, she broke his heart.

The day the truth emerged about her relationship with a young EMT caused his heart to shatter into a million pieces, bathing him in a pain he thought he would never be able to withstand.

She denied the relationship profusely, her eyes begging him to believe her, but he knew he couldn’t. How could he believe her when he had made no claim to her in the first place?

He realized in that one brief moment that his feelings for her may have grown deeper than he ever intended, so maybe some of this was his own fault. He had seen her feelings for him and denied them for so long that he didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore.

So, he reverted back to his old ways, pushing her away from him, far away so he wouldn’t have to see her eyes begging him to listen. He started to assign her cases on her own, cases with the others, but never with him, never alone.

Closing his eyes, he remembered the hope in her eyes when they had to work together on a case that they had no control over. He had tried everyone else first, but she had been a last resort. He would have preferred to work with someone else, but when she arrived, one look into her eyes and he knew she had as much power over him as she always had. Nothing had changed, she still possessed his heart and he found himself relishing her presence. They were challenging each other, just as they always had, but when the case came to a close and she began to close the distance between them, he panicked and opened the void wider, ignoring her completely only to speak when giving her an assignment.

He knew her pain, he could feel it emanating from her whole body as she slumped dejectedly into chairs, or turned her eyes away when she saw him approaching.

They reverted back to the times before, he pushed away expecting her to come back for more of his torture, but one day, she didn’t.

Part of him grieved for her loss, the other part relished in the knowledge that his heart was finally free. But that freedom came with a price so high he found himself losing control of his turbulent emotions.

He heard from Catherine that Hank had hurt her and their relationship was over, and he fought himself fiercely, battling with his heart as he longed to go to her, show her that he hadn’t changed, that he still needed her as much as he had before, but he didn’t do a thing.

He showed no emotion where she was concerned. He refused to let her see the spark in his eyes whenever he saw her. He found contentment in his solace, keeping away from her even more than before, until one day his world shattered around him when he realized he could have lost her forever.

She had been hurt, and was in shock and he had reacted instantly, his feelings on show as whispered words and endearments slipped from his lips.

                                              ‘Honey this doesn’t look good’

He would have given her the world that day, anything she wanted, but she didn’t ask and like a fool he didn’t offer.

He had been so afraid since then, worrying that she had seen through his façade and at the same time wishing she had seen him bearing his soul to her.

The night she came to him and asked him out to dinner would always remain one of the biggest regrets in his entire life. She had managed to slip through his walls once again, determination shining from her eyes, and he had wanted to say yes, oh he had so wanted to, but while his heart screamed yes his mouth told her no. He had expected her to leave but she persisted, asked again and then finally told him the words that would forever burn inside his heart, branding her name over and over again until he could no longer breath.

                         ‘By the time you figure it out you could really be too late’

Why couldn’t he have just admitted to her that he had to take care of some personal business first, why hadn’t he told her that he would gladly go wherever she wanted as soon as he was healthy and whole? Why hadn’t he just told her?

Why? Why? Why? The questions came over and over, tormenting his soul as past regrets came crashing through his mind. If he would have told her the truth then she would still be here, by his side, maybe distant, but he would still be able to bask in her presence. But he had pushed her away from him one too many times, and she had not bounced back this time only for him to push again.

Opening his eyes to the wetness in them he found his gaze drifting towards his telephone. The need to hear her voice called out to him with more power than he would ever dare to admit. Slowly, he pulled himself up from the couch and reached over towards the table, picking up the phone. He stared down at it hesitantly at first, until he took a deep breath and dialed in her number.

He closed his eyes as her voice on her answering machine took over his senses. He knew she wouldn’t be there inside her lonely apartment, but he needed to hear her voice so badly he had reverted to listen to a damn recording. What the hell was wrong with him anyway? Why couldn’t he just bring himself to call her cell phone and speak to her from his heart? Why was it so difficult for him to let the words he needed to say slip from his lips, at least to give her some explanations and maybe admit the truth?

The beep at the end of her voice broke him out of his musings and he snapped the phone down quickly. Looking down at his watch he saw the time was approaching noon. Nick had promised to call as soon as he returned, and as the seconds ticked by he was becoming more and more agitated.

He should sleep, but the call of blissful unconiousness had eluded him for many hours now, the slow relief from numbing pain refused to welcome him into slumber. So he had sat out on his couch for hours, trying to make sense of his feelings and still managed to make himself even more confused. His mind only wanted to focus on one thing, one powerful image that soared through his soul time and time again. Sara. His Sara.

Maybe it was time to admit to his heart that he had always thought of her as his. Had he always loved her and only convinced himself so well that he didn’t?

His thoughts were driving him insane. These four walls were closing in on him when all he needed was some kind of peace.

He needed to work, anything to keep his mind away from Sara, but that was virtually impossible because everything reminded him of her.

His office still kept the essence of her inside its walls, casting memories towards him every second he was alone.

He felt exposed and raw, sure that everyone saw his vulnerability and the endless sea of regret he seemed to be drowning in.

Standing shakily to his feet he decided to try and read something, anything to occupy his mind. Reaching his bookcase, he pulled out one of his forensic files; maybe this would numb his senses enough to sleep.

With a heavy sigh, he sat down on his couch again, lying back so his head rested on the arm. He focused on the text, reading the typed sentences but not taking in the words. His mind started to wander away again as the words merged into a blurry mess inside his unfocussed eyes.

It didn’t matter what he tried, he always came back to her again, but isn’t that how it had always been? This time, she was gone from his life and he had never felt so alone in his entire life.

The phone started to ring beside him causing him to jump in surprise. Berating himself for being on edge, he sat up and pulled the phone from its cradle.

“ Grissom.”

“ Hi it’s Nick,” came the hesitated reply.

Grissom’s mind was spinning. His heart began screaming causing his voice to tremble slightly.

“ How is she Nick?”

“ She didn’t come back with me Griss,” he said softly “ I’m so sorry, I tried.”

“ What?” he found himself sinking deeper into despair “ but the letter?”

“ She was so angry Griss,” his voice cracked and Grissom could hear the pain in the other mans voice “ I gave her your letter.”

“ Did she read it?” he asked hesitantly, unsure whether he really wanted the answer.

“ I don’t know,” he sighed sadly “ I wish I could tell you differently but to be honest I think she’s gonna take a long time to come around.”

“ But what did she say? Is she alright?” Grissom was unsure whether the desperation in his voice could be heard as plainly as he heard it, but he didn’t care right now “, Nick I need to know.”

“ She’s sad,” he said after a long silence “ she needs time to think things through.”

Grissom couldn’t keep the quaking from his voice any longer. He was so sure that Nick would be able to talk her around, but maybe he had really caused too much damage this time.

“ Thanks for trying.”

“ I think,” Nick’s voice cracked with emotion as he spoke again, “ I don’t think she’s coming back. I think you should prepare yourself for that Griss, just like I have been trying to the whole time home.”

Sitting back, he sank back into the couch, the numbing pain in his heart causing his chest to ache “ You tried Nick,” he whispered sadly “ you tried.” Pulling the phone slowly away from his ear, he replaced it back into its cradle.

The tears that had threatened his eyes before came back to pool in his eyes and he made no attempt to wipe them away. His last grain of hope had filtered away, leaving nothing but an empty ache inside his heart. His endless pushing had been the ultimate rejection for her this time, now he would have to live with that regret forever.

Reaching over towards the phone again, he picked it up and dialed Catherine’s number.

“ Hello,” came a groggy voice at the other end and he suddenly realized that she was sleeping, something he was extremely envious of.

“ Sorry to wake you Cath,” he all but whispered.

“ Hey it’s ok,” she mumbled “ you ok?”

“ No I have a migraine starting,” he lied “ I think I’ll stay home tonight.”

“ Ok,” she told him “ do you need anything bringing over? You have enough medication?”

“ Yes I’m fine,” he said softly, hoping she couldn’t hear the sadness in his voice.

“ Well call if you need anything ok?” she said on a yawn “ Oh god sorry.”

“ Go back to sleep,” he told her as he shut off the phone and lay back onto the couch.

For the next three hours he stared up at the ceiling waiting for sleep to come and claim him, but it didn’t. His head had started to ache with tiredness that refused to release him, and not for the first time he lost himself in his memories.

The sky outside his window had turned a stormy gray, bringing heavy rain along with it. The distant rumblings haunted his room, casting flashing bolts of lightening to illuminate the entire inside.

He heard a tapping on his door but ignored it thinking it was the rain dripping off of his roof onto his door, until it happened again, louder this time. Four loud knocks one after the other.

Pulling himself off of his couch he made his way towards the door to pull it open expecting to see Catherine but when he opened his door his heart almost exploded as he took in the sight before him.

His mouth opened to speak but he couldn’t seem to find any words, until one word crashed through the silence, bringing every ounce of pain out into one single name.

“ Sara.”

For a heartbeat he stared into her eyes, their blazing fire burning into his, causing his whole body to shake with trembling emotions.

“ Why now?” she said suddenly, waving his letter in front of him, as anger flashed inside her eyes, “ What’s wrong Griss want to play with my heart some more?”

“ Sara,” he breathed, her anger catching him unawares. He had been unprepared for this. Stepping closer, he reached out to touch her arm but she spoke again before he could reach her.

“ You ignore me forever and when I do what you’ve been hoping I would do for months, you send me stuff like this.” Her voice had started to shake as she spoke, trying to hang on to her rising tears. The last thing she needed was to show him her weakness

“ Sara please,” he pleaded, reaching out to pull her inside away from the rain.

Her body was on fire with his touch, and she was taken aback with his gentleness towards her. It had been so long since he had spoken to her like this, and she found herself melting into his gaze, no matter how much she fought against it.

“ What do you want from me?” she asked quietly, the fire in her eyes slowly dying away to be replaced with sorrow “ I left Grissom, I made it easy for you.”

“ Look you’re soaking, come and sit down,” his eyes lingered over her face, pleading silently with her to do this one thing for him.

“ I’ll make your couch all wet, look, I’ll go. This was a mistake ok,” she turned away from him slowly, knowing that she could walk away from him now and he wouldn’t come after her, he never would. As she reached his door, she heard him behind her.

“ Don’t go,” he whispered, “ please don’t leave.”

Sara’s eyes filled with tears as she heard the softness in his voice, and for a moment she didn’t know what to do “ I can’t play this game anymore Griss,” she told him sadly as she rested her forehead against his door “ I don’t even know why I’m here. I shouldn’t have come.”

“ I’m glad you’re here,” he told her as he stopped behind her to reach a hand out to touch her shoulder “ Please talk to me.”

“ I tried talking remember?” she laughed bitterly “ That like everything else only drove you further away.”

“ I’m sorry I hurt you,” he told her in a whisper his own voice trembling as he spoke. He wanted so much to reach out and pull her into his arms and crush her to his body, never letting her go, but he fought against his feelings, as always.

With his words she turned to face him so he could see the full extent of the pain he had caused her “ It’s not your fault so don’t blame yourself,” she whispered sadly “ It’s me, I did this, and I’m fixing it so you won’t have to see me again.”

“ No,” he shook his head, “ It’s not your fault, don’t say that. I have been an idiot Sara, I never knew how much I missed you until you had gone.”

Sara’s heart sank into her stomach, for a second there she had thought he would tell her he cared, but this was Grissom, what did she expect?

“ You’ll forget about me in a week tops,” she told him, forcing a sad smile to her lips “ you take care of yourself ok?”

“ Stay,” he pleaded, “ sit with me and talk. Please Sara?”

“ I’m dripping all over your floor,” she sighed looking down at herself.

“ Do you think I care about that?” he asked, his voice rising in volume “ We have a chance to sort this out between us, I’m not about to let that go without at least trying.”

“ So we’re back to the famous ‘this’ again,” she sighed “ Look, I know you have no feelings for me Griss, you don’t need to sit me down and explain it to me like a five year old. I know how to deal with rejection, god knows you’ve taught me well with that.”

Her words cut deeply into his heart. He knew she was angry and hell, she had every right to be. He opened his mouth to answer but all thoughts died away as he felt a stab of pain shoot through his head and moved his hand to clutch at his temples.

Sara watched him with a mixture of shock and worry “, you ok?”

“ Headache,” he groaned “ migraine.”

Stepping forward, she reached over to his arm and guided him gently down towards his couch, all anger slipping away as she spoke softly, “ Where do you keep your medication?”

“ Left cupboard,” he whispered through closed eyes, the pain stabbing through his head.

Without a word, Sara moved into his kitchen and located his pills. She watched him silently before she moved back towards him, armed with his medication and a bottle of water. Moving over to the couch where he sat, she and knelt on the floor directly in front of him “ How many?” she asked as she unscrewed the bottle cap.

“ Two.”

She regarded him silently as she pulled his hand open, touching his fingers with her own to place two pills in the palm of his hand.

Her touch caused his heart to burst. It had been such a long time since he had been alone with her, and as he opened his pain filled eyes, the concern he saw in hers melted the some of it away, dulling it to an ache.

“ You want me to call Catherine for you?” she asked quietly, turning her eyes away from him.

“ Catherine?” he asked confused “ why would I want you to call her?”

“ I know you two are close,” she said sadly, turning her eyes back to his “ she told me that she went with you to have your surgery.”

“ Sara, it’s not like that, you have to believe me,” his heart ached with regret as he saw the tears in her eyes. He had caused this pain in her “, she came on her own, I didn’t invite her.”

“ Doesn’t matter,” she sighed as a tear escaped to roll down her cheek “ I made a huge mistake in asking you out. I guess I misread all the signs,” sniffing back more tears, she forced a smile to her face “ I don’t do relationships well so I usually avoid them, I don’t know why I though you’d be different.”

“ Sara?”

“ It’s ok,” she nodded sadly, as she squeezed his hand before standing up and moving away from him “ look the last thing I wanted was for you to hate me, and I don’t think I can handle looking into your eyes and seeing how much you despise me Griss,” turning away from him she wiped the tears away from her eyes before turning back towards him “ I’m sorry.”

“ I don’t hate you,” he told her, his voice shaking “ where did you get that idea that I hated you?” when she didn’t answer he tried again “ Sara?”

“ I worked it out on my own,” she told him sadly “, I figured that’s why you didn’t want me anywhere near you.”

“ What?” he gasped, “ Sara, I don’t hate you, I have never hated you. God if I could take back the past few months and start over I would, you have to believe me.”

“ I don’t know what to do anymore,” she whispered as the tears came again, “ I love my work, but I can’t live like this anymore. If I don’t leave now then you will eventually hate me and I can’t handle that Grissom.” Turning away from him she began to pace “ I can handle you not wanting to work with me, I can handle you not wanting me but I can’t handle the look of hate in your eyes when you look at me. If you wanted to destroy me Griss then you’re doing great at it, cos I am dying,” she held a hand over her heart as she spoke brokenly “ in here.”

Grissom felt his emotions prick his eyes as he sat on his couch watching her defeated body. Her pain called out to him, jolting his heart into his own waves of pain and in that second it all became perfectly clear that her pain was his own. His eyes fell to her body, gazing over her slumped posture and needing to help heal her heart in any way he could. With both hands, he reached towards her, clasping desperately onto her arms as he looked up into her eyes. He told her without words just how much he needed her, and when he started the gentle tug on her hands, she stepped forward slowly, to come and stand directly in front of him.

Sara chewed nervously on her bottom lip; she had been unprepared for this. All she had expected from him was at best a few words, maybe even a smile, but this?

When he moved his hands over her waist to pull her closer, her eyes closed in silent surrender. She felt his head resting on her stomach and fought against the denial still raging inside her heart. What if this was just another ruse to make her stay? What if he pushed her away again? Could she take it? In the mist of her thoughts she heard his voice, it’s softness cutting through the darkness to give her the tiniest piece of hope.

“ I don’t hate you,” he whispered against her, tears slipping from his eyes silently as clutched her to him desperately.

Sara’s head was spinning at his closeness and she moved her hands slowly over his shoulders to tangle in his hair. She wanted so badly to believe him, that he meant the words he spoke to her, but she didn’t know if she had the strength to do that.

Moving his head, Grissom looked up into her face and caught her eyes with his own.

His tears broke her heart, and as she slowly moved a hand to his face to brush away his tears, she felt herself falling in love with him all over again

His eyes closed with her touch, his face leaning into her palm as her warmth seeped into his skin. Opening his eyes again, he gazed into hers, conveying everything to her in that one simple gaze, giving her the love she needed to see. In a silent communication, she untangled herself from him to sit down on the couch, moving towards the arm so she could sit a safe distance away from him.

“ I know I hurt you,” he said softly as he reached a hand over towards hers, touching her briefly, drawing her eyes to his. “ I don’t know why I pushed you away from me. I can’t give you all the answers you need, but I..” he stopped and looked down at their intertwined fingers “ I need to ask you something.”

Sara’s mouth was dry as she fought to find her voice, but she couldn’t seem to find the words. Nodding her head, she braced herself for his question.

His eyes roamed her face in wonder, as if his whole body had finally woken up to the beautiful woman beside him. His gaze drifted from her eyes to settle on her lips. Taking a deep breath he spoke softly, hoping that the words would come out right    “ Sara….can I kiss you?”

Her eyes snapped up to his, did he just say that? Holding her breath, she let it out slowly before finding her voice “ You don’t have to ask.”

Grissom felt his heart burst as he focused on her mouth. Suddenly he felt terrified, like a teenager on a first date. Luckily for him, she was meeting him halfway, leaning closer towards him as she looked into his eyes, watching for any signs of his rejection.

Reaching up towards him, she traced his lips with her finger, needing to know that he knew if they did this there was no turning back, no pushing away. “ Are you sure?” she whispered, giving him enough time to back away if he needed to.

His gaze melted her heart as he tried to find his voice, but he couldn’t find the words. He needed her more than he had ever realized, and now that she was here, just a whisper away, he found he couldn’t ever let her leave.

He answered her worry with his lips, closing the short distance to touch against hers. The second their lips touched in the briefest of kisses, something deep inside stirred awake, igniting a smoldering fire that had lain simmering for many years.

Pulling back, Sara gazed into his eyes, dizzy from his intoxication. She traced a finger over his face lovingly, a smile forming on her lips, “ That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Shaking his head he granted her a smile that matched her own, his heart opening up to every kind of feeling that he had hidden away for so long. He loved this woman, and no amount of denial would ever silence his heart again. His need to feel her became almost unbearable as he shuffled closer. They gravitated together, their lips seeking one another and binding them as one in a kiss so powerful it left them both reeling from unspent desire. Sara groaned into his mouth as she opened up to him, her hands gliding over his shoulders to pull him closer to her body, deepening their kiss as she felt his tongue plunge into her mouth.

Grissom’s whole body was on fire. He had never felt like this before in his entire life. His hands roamed her body, pulling her closer to him as he lost himself in her. She was the fire inside his soul, the missing link to everything he could never quite explain and the key to his locked up emotions.

When their need to breath became desperate, they slowly pulled away from each other, breathing heavily.

“ Wow,” she breathed on a smile as she rested her head against his softly “ you know how to kiss.”

Reaching up to her hair, he traced his fingers through the long strands, holding it gently between his fingers as he brought his eyes back to hers “ I missed you,” he whispered.

She let his gaze wash over her, plunging deeply into her heart as his words coaxed a confession from somewhere deep inside.

Moving her hand to his in her hair, she pulled it down to clasp it in her lap along with his other hand, wanting to say so many things but not finding the right words. Finally, she focused on his eyes, watching him carefully as she opened her mouth to speak “ I want to tell you I love you, but if I do will you run away from me again?”

Her words shattered his heart, causing him to gasp in a breath as he clutched her hands tightly in his, in a ragged whisper; he found his voice “ I won’t run.”

The smile that lit Sara’s face matched the smile in his eyes as she leaned closer to place a soft kiss on his lips before drawing away again “ I love you Gil Grissom,” she whispered “ I don’t think you realize just how much.”

Wordlessly, Grissom reached out to pull her roughly into his chest, holding her close, as his voice became a ragged whisper “It’s been a long time since I heard someone say those words to me and mean it.”

Sara lay against him, his heartbeat thudding inside her ears “ I mean it Griss, I really do.”

“ I know,” he whispered, pulling her up so he could kiss her hair “ I’ve never been able to say those words to you Sara. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”

“ You don’t have to say anything,” she told him softly, moving her head so she could kiss his cheek before meeting his eyes with her own “ I know how much this has taken for you to give me this piece of yourself. It’s enough for me Griss.”

Her words caused more tears to flood his eyes and he found he could let them flow, unembarrassed here, with her.

“ Don’t cry Grissom,” she whispered softly, kissing away his tears as she spoke “ I would have waited forever if I thought you might one day love me. This, knowing you care is more than I could have ever asked for.” Her own eyes flooded with emotion as she felt his chest heave under hers and she didn’t know if he was sad because he had let her see this side of him or if he had regrets. She pushed the thoughts away from her mind as she held him closer “ You don’t have to say you love me,” she whispered into his hair “ you’ve given me a piece of you I’ll hold forever.”

“ I love you,” he whispered against her, his voice so quiet she hardly heard him, until he lifted his head and looked directly into her eyes “ I love you Sara Sidle, I always have.”

His words closed the gap between them, closing the now distant void that had grown over the months. Leaning forward, she captured his lips, kissing him with all the love she felt, pouring it into this one kiss, making a statement for every time she had whispered the words in her dreams and in her mind.

They sank into each other, finding their divided souls to reunite then as they came together to share themselves with each other, closing the void that had lain between them forever.

EPILOGUE