Don’t Wanna Lose You
By Geena and Amanda Hawthorn
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Grissom/Sara
CATEGORY: Angst/ romance
ARCHIVE: Grissomandsara.com and
FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I’m fragile!!
EMAIL: Geena [email protected] Amanda [email protected]
SPOILERS: Playing with fire
SUMMARY: Grissom said no, now Sara's best friend is in town to pick up the pieces.
DISCLAIMER:
CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.
AUTHORS’ NOTES:
GEENA: Writing this fic has been a challenge but a wonderful challenge. The first time Mandy asked me to write a fic with her I was honored but didn't know if it was going to work out. I think we both surprised each other with the great collaboration. I think our styles really matched. At times we didn't know who wrote which part. I'm proud of this fic and I'm proud to have worked with Mandy. My big thanks goes out to Mandy, it's been an absolute pleasure and learning experience to work with you. I loved it!!! You are the best Mandy, love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was GREAT!!!!!
AMANDA: Well Geena we finally did it J It’s been a great experience. I too didn’t know if we could pull this off, but I think we’ve managed to surprise ourselves here!!
You are a great friend as well as a wonderful writer; I hope we have chance to work together again, huge hugs and loads of love to you too!!!!
Chapter one
Warrick, Nick and Sara were in the break room talking about Greg. It was two days after the explosion and the lab seemed back to normal. Greg was still in the hospital but he was getting better.
“You know, I am glad he’s smiling again because it just wasn’t the Greg we know and loved without his jokes.” Sara said as she sat down on the couch.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Warrick took a seat on the chair and Nick sat down next to Sara.
“Let’s hope he’ll be back soon, it’s just not the same without him.” Nick really missed his friend.
“Sara?” A voice said and a man walked into the break room.
There appeared a big smile on Sara’s face as she saw the man. She stood up, walked to him and gave him a hug.
“Jason.”
They kept in their embrace for a couple of minutes, enjoying the feel of each other after such a long time. At that moment Grissom and Catherine walked into the break room. Grissom was quite surprised by the display in front of him. Sara was hugging some guy.
Sara’s eyes met Grissom’s and she immediately let Jason go.
“I’ve missed you so much.” She said, smiling at him.
“I’ve missed you too, Sara.” Jason took her hand and led her to the couch. “Now are you going to introduce me to your friends?”
“Yeah, sorry. This is my best friend Jason O’Neill. That’s Nick and there’s Warrick.” She pointed to the two men.
“Nice to meet you.” Jason shook their hands.
“That’s Catherine.” Catherine walked up to Jason and they shook hands. “Sara, you never told me before about your handsome friend, here.” Catherine looked appreciatively at him.
Sara hesitated to introduce the one person left in the room. Things between her and Grissom were tense since she asked him to dinner. They avoided each other and she wasn’t comfortable being around him anymore. “This is my boss, Gil Grissom.” Sara waved at Grissom and Jason looked at the two. He definitely knew something was wrong between them. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Grissom.”
Grissom nodded at the man and got to business. “Let’s get back to business.”
“Sorry to interrupt but is it okay if I steel Sara here from you for a moment?” Jason asked Grissom.
Grissom was about to answer when Catherine interrupted him. “Sure, no problem Jason. I already know what case we have, Sara. So it’s no problem. You go talk to your friend.”
Sara thanked Catherine and walked out the room with Jason behind her.
“What’s up with your boss?” Jason wanted to know what that weird exchange between Sara and her boss meant.
“Let’s not talk about that now. What are you doing here in Vegas? I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Well I moved here two weeks ago and I wanted to come by earlier but I was just so busy. You know, settling down, my new job. Then I heard about the explosion in the lab and I said to myself that it was time to check up on you. Did you get hurt?” He asked. The news on the explosion had scared him. He thought he had lost Sara without seeing her for 5 years.
Sara shrugged; she really wanted to forget about the explosion and everything that happened after that. “Just some scratches, that’s all.”
Jason traced the cut on her forehead with his index finger. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
Grissom’s timing was really bad because he chose that moment to walk out of the break room. He saw Sara and Jason together while Jason traced Sara’s cut with his finger. Immediately he heard Sara’s words by the time you find out, it’s going to be too late. Was he already too late? Had she found somebody already? How could that be? He shook his head. It was clear that they knew each other for some times now. She’d been in love with this Jason all this time. But what had she meant by too late?
The rest of the team walked out of the break room and their talking interrupted Sara and Jason. Sara’s eyes caught Grissom’s and she quickly looked away.
“I see that you have to go. Is it okay if I’ll pick you up for breakfast after shift?”
A big smile appeared on Sara’s face. “Sure, I’d love to.”
****************************
Grissom’s mind couldn’t keep focussed no matter how hard he tried to concentrate. The pain in his heart ached him to his very soul as he pictured the scene of Sara and her friend over and over in his head.
She couldn’t have moved on so quickly could she?
“ Hey what’s up with you?” Catherine asked as she came to stand beside him “ You’ve been really quiet all night.”
His head snapped up to look at her, trying to find some excuse to explain his current mood “ Uh.”
“ You know I think Sara’s gonna finally be ok,” she smiled, her eyes wandering into the distance “ that friend of hers seems to be just the medicine she needed. She’s not been herself since the explosion.”
Closing his eyes, Grissom tried to banish the distorted images from his mind. That first second of sudden realization of the feelings he held for her burst through his senses when he had seen her on the sidewalk, her face and hands bleeding.
He had felt his heart break with fear when he saw the far away look in her eyes, the tell tale signs of shock emanating from her deep brown depths.
His overwhelming need to protect her had taken over his senses as his heart melted in love which had been denied for so long, and then came the whispered word from his lips, revealing some of the love that had slipped unconsciously from his heart.
‘Honey.’ He’d called her honey and the endearment had slipped from his lips so naturally he could have called her that for all of her life.
“ But there’s still something up with her,” Catherine spoke again, breaking him from his dream like trance “ I can’t put my finger on it. The sadness is still there.”
“ She’s fine,” he muttered, turning away from her, anything to stop the anguished torment that already haunted his every waking second. The words ‘ You should have said yes,’ screaming inside his mind, taunting him with the fact that he was just so afraid to let her inside his already fragile heart.
“ Let’s get back to the crime scene shall we,” he told her as he walked away dismissing any signs of protests with a wave of his hand.
Catherine sighed heavily as she followed, walking just a little way behind. Things were definitely unsettled between Grissom and Sara, and she was going to find out what it was.
Catherine walked into the locker room and found Sara getting her coat from her locker. “Jason, gonna pick you up?”
Catherine asked as she opened her own locker.
“Yeah.” Sara sat down on the bench and Catherine joined her.
“He seems a nice guy.” Catherine started to get Sara talking about this new friend of hers.
“He’s the best.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“We met on our first day at Harvard. We immediately became friends. We spend most of our free time together talking about everything and nothing all at once. He became my best friend and I trusted him with my life.”
“And that changed?” Catherine noticed the change it Sara’s voice, it turned sad.
“No, not at all. I still trust him. After Harvard we went our separate ways and our contact got less and less. We still called and emailed each other but we didn’t meet each other anymore. I missed him. Before I came here, I told him about my plans and we saw each other for the first time in 4 years. The immediate feeling of trust was back. We talked for hours that day. He knows me so well. He knows when something’s up and he can always make me feel better. He’s there for me. I moved to Vegas and things were the same, we called and emailed but that was it. And now he’s here and it seems like he knew something was up because I really need to be with him right now. It’s a difficult time for me but I know his presence will make things a lot easier. He means so much to me.” Sara’s mind involuntary drifted to Grissom. The connection between her and Grissom had also been there from the very first moment. Yet things were so much more difficult between him and her than with Jason. She trusted Jason. She didn’t trust Grissom anymore. He used to be a friend to her but he wasn’t, not anymore. She didn’t know what he was anymore…. he was just her boss, someone she worked with. That was all there was.
“He seems great, Sara. You’re lucky to have him.”
“I am.” She whispered.
“Now, don’t leave the man waiting for you.” Catherine smiled at her.
“You’re right. Talk to you tomorrow, Cath.” Sara stood up and left the room.
*****************************
Outside in the parking lot Jason stood beside his car and watched the doors of the lab for any sign of Sara. His mind drifted to when they first met all those years ago, when they were both so young.
She had changed so much since the last time he had seen her. Her hair was longer and lighter than he remembered. She had grown into an increasingly beautiful woman, who even now was oblivious to the appreciative glances that men threw her way.
But there was something different about her now, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He knew she would tell him eventually, she always did.
As he waited, Nick and Warrick pulled up into the parking lot beside him.
“ Hey Nick isn’t that Sara’s guy?”
“ Yeah I think it is,” he nodded after taking a good look “ who’d have thought she’d have some guy in the background? She kept that pretty quiet.”
“ Yeah, but you know Sara, no one really knows her,” Warrick said as he opened the door to climb out “ she only lets us know what she wants us to and that’s it.”
“ Yeah. Strange though don’t you think?”
“ Huh? What is?” Warrick turned his eyes from his friend over to the man waiting beside his car.
“ The look on Grissom’s face when he saw them together,” Nick grinned, “ I don’t think he knew about him either.”
“ Yeah, now that you mention it, he was acting kinda weird,” he agreed “ but hey, if Sara’s happy then that’s good.”
“ Right there with you bro.”
As they exited their Tahoe, they walked slowly up to the man whose eyes were still focussed on the doors “ Hey, you waiting for Sar?” Nick asked.
Jason’s eyes broke away from the door to turn towards the two men beside him and broke into a grin “ Yeah, I am.” He looked from one to the other “ Sorry I can’t remember your names.”
“ Hey no sweat, I’m Nick, this here is Warrick.”
Holding out a hand, he shook theirs in turn “ Is Sara ok?”
“ What do you mean?” Nick asked confused.
“ She’s different,” Jason mused “ maybe the accident?”
“ Yeah she’s had a lot to deal with,” Nick nodded “ and I don’t think I helped any.”
“ Huh?” Jason asked, his eyes returning towards the doors as a familiar face appeared at the entrance “ Sorry guys,” he grinned.
“ Hey no probs buddy,” Nick said as he followed the direction of Jason’s eyes “ just take care of her ok?” he kept his voice deliberately low “ she’s been through a lot of crap lately.”
“ Hey I won’t hurt her,” Jason turned to him, his eyes wide “ that’s the last thing I would ever do to her. That I can guarantee.”
His voice trailed away as Sara walked up to them, a huge smile beaming from her lips as she took Jason’s hands in hers “ Hey guys, what you doing?”
“ Nothing,” Nick beamed as he leaned into her ear, a huge grin on his face, “ have fun.”
“ Oh you can count on it,” she beamed, her eyes gleaming as she found Jason’s again “ you ready to go?”
“ Yep,” he smiled as he leaned forward to place a kiss on her head.
“ See you later,” she waved, smiling towards her two friends who after returning the gesture had now started walking towards the lab.
Sara got in the Jason’s car and they drove off.
“Let’s go to your place, Sara. Because I think we need to have a talk.”
Sara nodded and gave Jason the directions to her place. They didn’t say a word as they entered her place.
“Sit down, Sara and let me take care of things.” Jason directed Sara to the couch and he grabbed a bottle of water for the both of them. “Now, tell me what’s going on.” He asked as he sat down next to her.
“I don’t even know where to start, Jase.” Jason smiled at the mention of his nickname. It had been too long since he had heard her call him that.
“Start at the beginning. Tell me about your boss.” He knew from the very first moment he met Gil Grissom that he was the reason for Sara’s problems. They way the two had looked at each other, clued him in.
“What’s there to say about him? He’s being a jerk and I hate him.”
“Well, that’s something. Why do you hate him?”
“Because he’s being a jerk.” Sara stood up, walked to the kitchen en put her bottle of water back in the fridge.
“Sara, this is me you’re talking to. Tell me what’s going on with you and him.”
“Nothing, that’s the problem,” Sara returned to the couch. “I met him for the first time at that seminar I went to when we were at Harvard. That seminar bout bugs.”
“I remember it really wasn’t my thing.”
“He was there for only one day. We grabbed something to drink after the seminar. He was so fascinating; there was an instant connection. He’s also the reason I went to Vegas.” Sara looked at Jason for a moment and continued. “Ever since I’ve been here, three years already, I’ve started to develop feelings for him. But he just refuses to see them. He’s just so irritable. Sometimes he would say the sweetest thing to me and then ignore me for months. Last year I couldn’t handle it anymore and I asked for a leave of absence. But he sends me a plant and I decided to stay. He told me he was interested in beauty ever since he met me. I started falling in love with him, hard. For a few days things were great between us and I even thought he would be willing to take the first step. You know, that he returned my feelings.”
She stared ahead, thinking about those times. “How wrong was I. He turned back into his old self, even worse. He’d decided I even wasn’t good enough to talk to. He was ignoring me even more than before. I just had it with him! I wanted to talk to him and confront him about it.” Sara began to sob and tears formed in her eyes. Jason pulled her to him in a strong embrace. “I was about to talk to him when the lab exploded. After the explosion I realized even more that I wasn’t happy with things. I needed to deal with it. So that evening I asked him out. And you know what he did?” She got even closer to Jason and grabbed his hand. “He laughed at me and told me he didn’t want to go out with me. You know, there I was and all he could do was laugh. He told me he didn’t know what to do with this thing between us. I told him I did and by the time he would figure it out he would be too late. I’m just one big joke to him! It’s hard but I’m trying to get this behind me. The chapter Gil Grissom is closed and I’m never going to open it again.” Jason just held her, trying his best to comfort her with his embrace. He now understood Sara’s behaviour. She had been in love with a man who had played her. Jason decided to keep Gil Grissom away from Sara because he wouldn’t let him hurt her again. She’d been through enough.
“I’m here now Sara, everything will be fine.” Jason stroked her hair.
Sara settled against him, the feelings of the last few days taking their toll on her tired body. She felt warm and loved in Jason’s embrace. He had always been the one she turned to in a crisis. He knew her better than anyone, and maybe it was time to start living again.
“ I think I’m gonna get some sleep,” she sighed against him “ I’m so tired.”
His hand stilled in her hair as he leaned down to place a kiss on the top of her head “ You should sleep,” he agreed “ do you want me to stay with you?”
Closing her eyes against his chest, she fought an inner war inside her heart. She wanted to accept his comfort and move away from the pain inside her, but she didn’t know if she could accept it tonight.
Sitting up, she moved away from him to hold onto his hands “ I’ll be ok Jase,” she told him, forcing a smile to her lips “ I’m always ok.”
He smiled into her sad eyes as he lifted a hand to her face to push a strand of hair behind her ear “ If you need me I’ll be here in a second.”
“ I know you will,” she smiled, reaching a hand over to clasp his on her cheek “why did I have to fall in love with a man who’ll never love me? Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with you?”
“ It doesn’t work that way,” he smiled as he pulled her into his arms again to trace patterns on her back with his fingers “ We can’t choose who we fall in love with, it’s not something we can plan, but you know I love you Sara, what we have is something special.”
“ I know,” she smiled against him “ I know you’re right, it just hurts.”
Jason pulled away from her to cup her face in his hands “ Well you know those two guys you work with seem to care about you.”
“ Nick and Warrick?” she smiled “ yeah they’re two great guys.”
“ Yeah, that Nick guy told me I’d better treat you good,” he grinned “ guess he doesn’t know the full history about us.”
“ Nicky’s just protective that’s all. He looks out for me,” pulling away from his hands she moved to stand “ will I see you again today?”
He was on his feet in a second “ Count on it,” he grinned as he planted a soft kiss on her forehead “ Hey you want to do something later today?”
“ Like what?”
“ We could go out for dinner, you know get dressed up, we haven’t done that for a while,” he moved slowly towards the door, taking her with him “ I’ll pick you up here. Is it going to be a problem with your shift because then dinner will be short?”
“ Uh yeah, well I guess you could drop me off at the lab..” she nodded uncertainly, she wasn’t sure if she wanted her co-workers to see her in a very un Sara like dress “ No, I’ll just call in sick. I need to be away from Grissom anyway.”
“ Great, I’ll pick you up and we’ll go somewhere nice,” leaning in he kissed her cheek “ get some sleep ok.”
She nodded calmly as he left then locked the door behind him to lean tiredly against it. What had she just agreed to she wondered, as all sleep was pushed to the back of her mind as she thought frantically where she had put that short black dress that she had never had the chance to wear.
Rummaging through her closet, she found it. Laughing triumphantly, she pulled it out to hold it up in front of her. This could be fun; spending time with Jason was what she needed. She looked at her dress again, she was somewhat sorry that Grissom wouldn’t be able to see her in the dress. If he did, he’d know what he was missing.
Sara stood in front of the mirror, looking at her reflection. She was wearing her short black dress, her hair put up and a gold necklace on her neck. She heard a soft knock and walked to her door. She opened it.
“Sara, you look beautiful.” Jason said as he entered her apartment.
“Thanks. You don’t look bad, yourself.” She said to him, looking at him. He was wearing a black suite with a blue tie.
“Ready to go?” Jason held out his arm to her. Sara took his arm and closed the door behind them.
They arrived at the restaurant and the waiter brought them to their seats.
Grissom spotted Sara as she and Jason walked into the restaurant. He was immediately blown away by her appearance. He’d never seen her in a dress. She looked absolutely beautiful. At the same time a feeling of jealousy hit him. Why was Jason allowed to see her like that? Why did she get all dressed up like that for Jason? What did Jason have what he didn’t. He immediately knew the answer, Jason had Sara and he…had no one.
Catherine noticed Gil’s change in behaviour. She caught him staring and turned around to see what he was looking at. Then she saw them, Sara and Jason. Sara was laughing, her hand placed on his hand.
“She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?” Catherine said as she turned back to Grissom.
“She does.” He whispered. His heart ached for her. He now knew he was too late now. She’d moved on, without him and it hurt him.
“Lets get out of here, Catherine.” He stood up, waited for her to do the same.
Catherine heard the pain in his voice; she nodded, stood up and followed him.
Movement on the right caught Sara’s eye and she looked. She immediately tensed when she saw them. Grissom was here. She wanted a night without Grissom but he was here again. He just always seemed to be around. Sara’s eyes met Catherine’s. Catherine nodded at the couple and walked away.
Outside the restaurant Grissom was waiting at the car for Catherine.
“You know, Gil. They are just friends.” Catherine said as she approached him.
“They’re more than that. Otherwise you don’t go to dinner together.”
Catherine laughed at his reply. “Gil, we go to dinner all the time yet we aren’t a couple.”
“She was all dressed up, it wasn’t just friends having dinner.”
“I talked to Sara, she told me Jason is her best friend. As I told you before, she needs him now to get through whatever she’s going through. He’s her friend.” She emphasized friend.
“If he was just her friend, why did she call in sick?” Grissom gave Catherine the keys and got in the passenger seat. He wasn’t in the mood to drive.
“She called in sick?” Catherine got in the care and closed the door.
“Yes.” Grissom stated. Catherine knew their conversation was over. She looked at the man next to her. It was obvious that it hurt him to see Sara with another man. Grissom had made his mistakes but he still belonged to Sara and she still belonged to him. She sighed, she didn’t know if things would work out between them. Grissom had really hurt Sara and she knew Sara was trying to get over Grissom; she was trying to forget him.
Catherine turned on the radio as they drove to the lab. The song played seemed very appropriate for his own situation, Grissom thought.
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
The image of Sara in a dress, looking absolutely beautiful wouldn’t disappear from his mind this shift, he knew that for sure. He also knew that he wouldn’t be able to forget the thought of Sara being with Jason. Sure, they were only friends. It didn’t look like that to him. They were sitting there, hand in hand, she was laughing at his jokes. And he knew for sure, that not one single man would want to be friends with Sara when she looked like that. He felt anger rising in him, he was angry at Sara for getting involved with a guy like that and he was angry with Jason for….for making Sara laugh. He used to be able to make her laugh, to make her smile but that hadn’t been the situation for such a long time. These last few weeks she would force a smile on her face. He saw in her eyes that she was hurt and that he was the cause of her pain. He was also angry with Jason because Jason was allowed to be close to her and he wasn’t.
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
He knew he let her slip away from him after the Hanson case. The way they worked together that case scared him. He was so close to her that it was getting harder and harder not to touch her, to tell her how he felt about her. So he did what he seemed to do best, distance himself from her. As he put more and more distance between them he noticed that Sara’s eyes didn’t show that hurt anymore. It was replaced with a coldness that sometimes scared him. He felt like he was nothing to her anymore. That he was only her boss, the man she worked for and no longer the man she had feelings for.
The explosion in the lab must have triggered some feelings in her, to have her suddenly ask him out. She had surprised him, which made him say he didn’t want to go out with her. He didn’t know what to do. After trying so hard to distance himself from her, it seemed useless, she was back again. He had destroyed every chance of being with her by saying no. He had known it the moment the words had left his mouth. And now he was even surer he was too late. Sara had moved on.
He sighed and turned off the radio. The song wasn’t doing any good.
Sara’s heart was screaming inside her chest, as Grissom’s face seemed to take possession of her whole body. Here she was sitting opposite a man who had been her friend for a lifetime, and all she could think of was a man who didn’t want to know her.
It hurt like hell, and no matter how much she tried to push those feelings of love away from her heart, she couldn’t. He had hurt her over and over again, yet still she came back for more. One more time, one after another when he would ignore her and push her further away, widening the already gaping void that lies between them. He had shown her so many times that she meant nothing to him, so why did she go back time and time again for him to stomp all over her heart?
She felt a gentle hand on hers bringing her out of her mindful wanderings as she lifted her head to look into the concerned eyes of her friend.
“ Hey you ok?”
She tried not to let him see the hurt hiding behind her veil of pretence, but he knew her so well she couldn’t hide from him.
“ He’s not worth it Sara,” he whispered softly as he gently stroked her fingers with his own “ Don’t keep punishing yourself with things that you had no control over.”
Sara heard his words and knew he was right, of course he was, but it wasn’t so easy to forget a man you had spent half of your life being in love with.
Pushing back the pain, she smiled into his eyes, masking the sheen of tears as she closed her eyes briefly, only to open them seconds later.
“ Let’s not talk about him Jason,” she whispered, giving his hand a gentle squeeze “ tonight is the night I forget about Gil Grissom and get on with my life.”
The smile that graced his face warmed her heart. His other hand reached over the table to take hold of hers, cradling her fingers in both of his hands “ That’s my girl,” he beamed.
Later that evening, Jason drove Sara back to her apartment, noting how quiet she had been the entire time. He knew he well enough to know that she was still mentally torturing herself for this hopeless situation she found herself in.
“ You want me to come in for a while?” he asked her with a smile, reaching out to hold onto her hand. “ You know a guy could get a complex when he’s out with a beautiful woman and all she’s thinking about is another man.” His words broke her out of her thoughts, and she found herself turning towards him.
“ I’m sorry Jase, I know I said I wasn’t going to mention him again,” she averted her eyes as she spoke, tears pooling behind them “ why can’t I get him out of my head?”
“ Look,” he sighed, “ it’s not going to be easy Sara, we both know that, but what you have to think of now is yourself, not him.”
“ Then why is it so hard?” she asked in a whimper as a tear slid from her eyes to roll down her cheek “ I have loved him for so long I don’t know how to stop.”
Reaching over towards her in the car, he pulled her into his arms; hold her close to him as she sobbed into his chest. For the hundredth time since he’d arrived he silently cursed Gil Grissom for doing this to her. He didn’t deserve to have such a beautiful, sweet and funny woman like Sara, hell he didn’t deserve anyone for he way he had treated her.
“ Come on Sara,” he soothed into her hair “ what happened to my strong girl who was going to tell him to go to hell and get on with her life?”
Sitting back up away from him, she sniffed back the tears and wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands “ You’re right,” she nodded sadly, her voice quivering with every word “ I should get over him and move on, I know I should, but, it’s so hard.”
“ That’s why I’m here to help you,” he told her softly, reaching out a hand to gently wipe the tears away.
“ Want to come in for a while?” she asked quietly, leaning her face into his hand “ keep me company?”
“ You know I will,” he grinned as he reached across to plant a kiss on her cheek “ Come on.”
He opened his door to climb out of the car, and moved around the other side to help her out. Wordlessly, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and walked with her towards her door.
Back at the lab, Grissom sat as his desk looking over an old case, anything to keep his mind from straying to the beautiful vision of Sara from earlier.
He had never in his life seen her looking like that. She had taken his breath away, even more so than the first time they had met all those years ago. She had managed to burrow herself inside his cold heart, warming it, breathing life into his body, and yet he still pushed her away. Why? Why did he keep doing this to both of them?
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, causing to look up to face the intrusion.
“ Hey Griss, you seen Sara?” Nick asked as he leaned his head around the door.
“ Um, no, she’s not here. She called in sick,” Grissom broke eye contact and returned to the file before him on the desk.
“ Sara? Our Sara?” Nick came further into the room; worry clear in his eyes “ Is she ok? What’s wrong?”
“ What the hell is this Nicky?” Grissom asked angrily, his words tumbling from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them “ Sara is not my concern, she called in sick, that’s all I know.”
“ I’ll call her, see if she needs anything,” Nick told him, his own voice rising “ she needs to know at least one of us cares about her, and it’s obvious you don’t.”
“ Do whatever you want to Nicky,” he replied coldly, dropping his eyes “ but do it on your own time, not work time.”
“ Oh don’t you worry Grissom,” Nick spoke angrily, sarcasm dripping from every word “ I’ll go see her before shift ends, I’ll make sure she knows who loves her and who doesn’t gives a rats ass.”
Grissom lifted his eyes to see Nick heading towards the door, an angry retort on his lips, but Nick beat him to it “ What the hell happened to you? There was a time when you two were so tight, but now,” he shook his head, moving out of Grissom's office, slamming the door behind him, leaving the man inside to ask himself that same question. When had everything changed?
Sara sat down on her couch with a heavy sigh. Her heart ached with a mixture of longing and regret, and she cursed herself for caring so much when Grissom so obviously didn’t.
Something had to give way some time, and maybe it had to be her who made the break away from this situation. The smell of coffee drowned her senses and she looked up to see Jason smiling down at her with a mug in his hand “ There you go,” he said softly as he handed it to her.
She offered him a tight smile as she took it from him, lifting it to her lips. She hoped the hot liquid would quell the lump that had been rising inside her throat, bringing wave after wave of stinging tears along the way. Why couldn’t she just let go and get passed this?
“ You’re drifting again,” he smiled as he came down to sit beside her.
“ I know,” she sighed sadly, turning her eyes towards him “ I don’t know how to make these feelings stop Jase, I wish I could close myself away and feel nothing, but I love him so much, I can’t…”
“ Hey you don’t have to justify yourself to me Sar,” he soothed, his words trying to calm her soul “ you can take what you need from me ok? I won’t ever feel any less of you if you want to take things out on me.”
Sara’s eyes slid away from his, tears once again filling her brown depths as she choked on her words “ You sound like Nick.”
“ Your friend?”
“ Yeah,” she smiled “ he’s been my rock these last few months. He reminds me so much of you, I think that’s why I’m close to him.”
“ He obviously loves you Sar,” he smiled “ why didn’t you and he ever get together?”
“ What Nick and me?” she asked with a gasp “ I love him, I really do, but not like that. It wouldn’t feel right, it’d be like going out with my brother.”
“ Well,” he smiled “ it was just a question you don’t have to rat me out.”
“Sorry,” she blushed slightly as she turned her eyes away “ I wish I could fall in love with someone else and get on with my life, but Grissom has been my whole life for the past ten years. I’ve been in love with him for most of them, I can’t just turn that off because he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“ Sara,” he sighed heavily as he took hold of her hand “ if you don’t let him go then you’ll never be happy. What are you going to do when it’s another ten years of your life gone and he still doesn’t want you?”
“ Then I’ll live my life alone,” she told him sadly “ I tried finding a life with someone else and it didn’t work.”
“ That was just one guy Sara,” he told her, his voice pleading “ there will be hundreds of guys lining up to date you if only you’d let them.”
“ I can’t,” she told him as tears pricked her eyes again to trickle down her cheeks “ I know you’re trying to help me Jase, but it’s not that easy.”
He reached out towards her and grabbed hold of her shaking body, pulling her into his body, holding her tightly as he rocked her “ I’m sorry Sar, I didn’t mean to push you, I’m so sorry.”
Outside Sara’s apartment, Grissom sat in his Tahoe looking up at her window. The lights were on, so he knew she was home. All he had to do was walk up to her door and wait for her to open up. He could say all the words to her that he had longed to say for as long as he could remember. All he had to do was swallow his rising fear and walk towards her door, and maybe she would forgive him.
Taking a deep breath, he climbed out of his car and began the slow walk towards her door. As he walked he rehearsed over and over the words he would say, the words he needed to say, but as he came closer, his nerve started failing on him.
He found himself standing on her doorstep, hand raised to knock, but pulled it away when he heard her sobs from inside the closed off apartment.
Her sobs broke his heart, had he caused this pain inside her heart? Had he managed to break her spirit? Bringing his hand up again, he knocked urgently, his need to see her overwhelming every sense in his body. He had to make this right somehow. He had thoughts of so many things that could happen after the door opened but this wasn’t one of them. He could imagine Sara closing the door in front of him, Sara being mad at him, screaming at him. But this…this scared him, making it even more clearly to him that he might be too late. Here he stood face to face with Jason, Sara’s friend.
“What are you doing here?” Jason asked harshly. Why did this man choose to keep hurting Sara?
Grissom was at a lost for words. He didn’t know what to say or do. Should he turn around and walk away or just stay?
“Jase, who is it?” A soft voice called from in the apartment.
Grissom’s heart started beating faster by the mere sound of her voice. She still had so much of an effect on him; she would always cause his heart to beat rapidly, no matter where she was.
“It’s me, Sara.” Grissom said to her. He decided that talking to Jason wouldn’t be a wise thing to do. He saw that Jason was angry with him and he couldn’t blame the guy. He had every right. He would have been mad too if anybody treated Sara as bad as he did.
The sound of Grissom’s voice, which seemed filled with concern, brought more than fear back into her heart. Tears sprang to her eyes as she shook her head, denying the fact that he was here. This was not something she could handle.
“Jason, please make him go away.” She pleaded with him. The thought of Grissom only a few feet away from her was breaking her heart. She just couldn’t handle this now. This was the night she was going to forget about Gil Grissom. Why did he always make things harder for her, why did he always want to hurt her?
“You heard her, go.” Jason told Grissom.
“No, I won’t go away before I talk her.” He wasn’t going to get chased away.
“She doesn’t want to see you. Is that so hard for you to understand?”
“I need to see her.” Grissom quickly walked passed Jason into Sara’s living room. What he saw there broke his heart. There was his Sara, curled up on the couch, looking as if she was falling apart. He wanted so much to take away her pain, the pain that he had caused.
“Sara.” He whispered, the hurt evident in his voice. He walked closer to her.
“Stay away,” she whispered brokenly, her body aching with hours of unleashing her pain. She couldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t speak to him any more. Grissom stared at her. It hurt him so much that she didn’t want him around anymore. Had he really destroyed his relationship with her?
“Please Sara, give me a chance.” He pleaded with her. He kept his distance, knowing that if he went any closer he would scare her away and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
“I’ve given you lots of chances. You’ve managed to blow them all.” She said, her voice so cold that he felt the shivers on his body.
“Let me try Sara.” He wanted so much to take her in his arms, comfort her and take away all the pain.
Jason had watched the whole thing. He saw Sara tensing the moment Grissom came near her. He also saw the influence Grissom still had on her. But he was proud of her, proud that she was standing her ground, not letting him hurt her again. He also saw that Grissom wasn’t going to take no for an answer so easily. It was time to step in.
“I think you should go now Mr. Grissom.” He told him.
Grissom turned around to meet the cold glare of Jason. He didn’t want to go away, afraid that he was throwing away his last chance with Sara.
“I don’t want you to cause her more pain than you already have. I want you gone.” Jason opened the door for him.
Grissom took one more look at Sara and walked away. He heard the door close behind him. He felt like a defeated man, defeated by Jason and Sara. How could he have been so foolish to let her walk away from him, to chase her away? He got in his car and drove home. He had never felt so much pain in his entire life.
Sara was crying uncontrollable as Grissom had left. Jason immediately sat down next to her, taking her into his protective embrace. He gently rocked her back and forth hoping the motion would comfort her. After a short while he felt her relax, the crying turned into sobs.
“I’m proud of you Sara.” He said to her, gently stroking her hair.
“I’m not.”
“Hey, look at me.” She looked up at him. “You told him he has gone too far, you stood your ground. I am proud of you. You did great. Now he knows he can’t just mess with your head.”
She smiled weakly at him. “I guess you’re right, but why can’t I stop longing for him?” She already knew the answer to that question. She still loved him.
“You know that answer yourself. But the real question is what are you going to do about it?”
“I just don’t know, Jason. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget him.”
“Get some sleep Sara, you need the rest.”
“I guess you’re right.” Sara stood up, pulling Jason up with her. “Thank you.” She hugged him. “You’re the best Jason.”
“Hey, I know that.” She said with a smile on his face.
“Do you want me to stay?” He asked her, letting go of her.
“No, I’ll be fine.”
“Sure? I can stay if you want me to.” He wanted to let her know that he wouldn’t go away unless he asked her to.
“It’s okay Jason.”
“Okay, but if you need me, call me. I’ll be right over.”
“I know, thank you.” Jason followed her to the door.
“Take care.” He said to her, giving her a little kiss on her forehead before walking away to his car.
Sara sat on her couch staring at the walls around her apartment. Everything felt so empty, she felt so empty. How could she love a man so much who specialised in hurting her so many times? How many times would she forgive him and go back for more? Could she really take his punishment another time?
Closing her eyes, she laid her head down on the arm of her couch, desperate for sleep to come and release her from her prison, anything to numb the aching pain inside her heart.
Her mind drifted to Grissom. His eyes tonight seemed so different to all the other times she had been close to him. Had he really wanted to make things right between them? Could they even get back to being friends again?
Her telephone rang suddenly, the shrilling breaking her out of her musings, as she reached over and picked up the phone.
“ Hello,” she said softly, her voice unable to hide the tears finding their way to her eyes again.
“ Sara? Please don’t hang up.”
Sara’s heart leapt in her chest at the sound of his voice. How was this possible? How could he still have so much power over her heart when she had tried so hard to escape?
“ Grissom,” she said, trying to keep the emotion from her voice.
“ Look I can’t undo what I did, I am so sorry Sara, I never meant to hurt you,” when she stayed silent, he tried again “ please Sara, you have to believe me.”
“ Why?” she asked brokenly, her voice cracking under the intense strain of the pain inside her heart “ am I a game to you Grissom? Does this little game make your ego grow? Am I your ego booster? Do you like hurting me? Is that it?”
“ Sara?”
“ No you listen to me for a change Gil Grissom,” she told him, anger fuelling her words as she sat up a little straighter “ I have let you hurt me one time too many, and I’m not going to play anymore. I’m tired of your constant denial.”
“ I know I hurt you,” he started, his voice breaking “ I can’t do this over the phone, I need to see you.”
“ Do what?” she asked angrily as she sprang to her feet “ You don’t want me, I think I get the message this time Griss. I’m not good enough for you to even take the time to speak to anymore; I know where I stand in your life. You don’t have to come all the way over here to explain it to me. I’m not a child Grissom I’m a woman, or hadn’t you realized that?”
She heard the gasp at the other end of the phone, then silence. “ I know you’re a woman Sara,” he said softly, trying to keep his voice from breaking.
“ Yeah of course you do,” she sniffed back the tears building in her eyes as she felt her anger slowly start to filter away “ just not one you’re attracted to, I know ok, don’t do this to me anymore, I’m so tired.”
“ Can I see you?” he asked again, his voice dripping with desperation “ that’s if your boyfriend isn’t going to block my attempts to see you.”
“ My what?” she gasped angrily, tears spilling over onto her cheeks “ Oh so now I know what’s really bothering you. You don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me is that it? Jason is my oldest and dearest friend. I love him, he’s always there for me, but of course you don’t know what that’s like. You don’t know what it’s like to be somebody’s dearest friend. Because that would be too much for the great Gil Grissom. No, you can only hurt people who thought they were your friends. But you know, I don’t have to justify my actions to you because you lost that right a long time ago. Goodbye, Grissom. I’m not going to sit here waiting for you to blame me for something else. This game of yours has been going on too long. ” That was the last thing she had to say to Grissom. She hung up the phone and walked to her bed. She was exhausted and needed her sleep. Yet she knew sleep wasn’t going to come and if it came, her dreams would be filled with Grissom.
Grissom was in a bad mood. Things weren’t going well at all. Sara refused to talk to when he had stopped by and her words on the phone hurt him. He should have known Sara wasn’t going to wait forever but somewhere in his mind he had hoped she would wait. It was selfish for him to think that such a beautiful young woman would wait for him to come round. And now he was going to see her again with the thought that she hated him. He took a deep breath, walked in the break room and found the whole team waiting for him. Sara was on the couch, talking to somebody on the phone. He wondered who it was but no sooner had he thought it, his question was immediately answered by Sara.
“Yeah sure, Jason. I’d love too.” She said into the phone. She had felt Grissom’s presence the instant he’d walked into the room. Her heart just beat a little faster with him around. “I’ll call you then. Bye Jase.” She hung up the phone and took a sip of her coffee.
Nick stood up and sat down next to Sara. He leaned into her. “I’m glad to see you’re doing better. I see that Jason is good for you.”
“Thanks, Nicky and yes…he’s the best.” She smiled at him, trying hard to avoid Grissom’s stare.
“Enough talking, we have work to do. Nick, Warrick and Sara you have a DB at the Tangiers. Cath, you’re with me.” Grissom walked out the room, leaving his team behind.
“I guess he’s not in a good mood.” Warrick stated the obvious. “Good luck, Cath.” Warrick walked passed her, with Nick and Sara following him.
“What’s up with you?” Catherine asked as she caught up with Grissom at the parking lot.
“Nothing.”
“Gil, what’s wrong?” Catherine said as she took her seat in the passenger’s seat.
“Catherine, I don’t want to discuss it. Let’s just get back to work.”
Catherine got the message but she wasn’t going to leave it like that. She knew Gil Grissom and she knew only one person could get him this mad. She was going to try to get him to talk.
“Jealous about Sara and Jason, huh?” She asked smoothly. Her remark got the reaction she wanted. Grissom immediately turned his head to look at her.
“What do you know about them?”
“So I’m right. You’re in this bad mood because of Sara.”
Grissom kept quiet, he knew there was no use in denying things. But he wasn’t in the mood to talk about things.
“Gil, what happened?”
“I’m not talking to you about this.”
“Maybe I can help.”
“Believe me you can’t. I really messed things up. I even pushed her into the arms of another man.” Grissom started the Tahoe and drove off.
Sara sat quietly staring out of the window of the Tahoe as Warrick drove the three of them towards their crime scene. Her mind swan with images that seemed to taunt her. She couldn’t escape from Grissom’s hold over her heart even if she had really wanted to, but she had to be strong this time, she refused to let him hurt her again.
Nick turned his head from his place in the front seat to look at her. He knew her well enough now to know that she was silently hurting, even though she would never openly confess to it.
“ Hey Sar,” he spoke softly gaining her attention “ you ok?”
Sara met his eyes with a warm smile “ Sure.”
“ You know you can talk to us about it,” he pressed, a grin forming on his face “ you know me and War would never tell your inner secrets.”
Despite her mood, Sara found herself smiling with him “ My inner what?” she asked “ sweetie have you been reading that dictionary again? I told you that could hurt your brain if you thought too much.”
Warrick laughed out loud as he drove, enjoying the happy banter that they always seemed to share between the three of them. “ Oh no she’s got you there bro,” he grinned.
“ Very funny,” Nick pouted, faking mock annoyance as he turned away.
“ Oh poor baby,” Sara grinned, leaning forward to ruffle his hair “ you know we love you really.”
Catching her hand in his hair, he leaned back to pull her hand towards his face to kiss her fingers “ Seriously Sar, you can tell us anything.”
Sara’s eyes filled with liquid warmth as she squeezed his fingers, a smile forming on her face “ I know I can, and if I need you I promise you’ll both be the first to know ok?”
Warrick smiled into the rear view mirror then turned his eyes back towards the road. He lifted one of his hands to squeeze hers reassuringly before releasing her again.
**************
Grissom’s mood hadn’t wavered since arriving at the crime scene. He had hoped that he would be able to concentrate, but his thoughts seemed to drift back towards Sara causing his head to ache.
Catherine regarded him carefully as the night wore on. She knew he and Sara had a lot of issues and she could also recognize jealousy when she saw it. Stepping towards him, she reached out a hand to touch his shoulder.
“ I’m just about finished here Gil, ready to head back?”
He turned to face her, his voice quivering slightly under he emotional pressure “ Yeah,” he sighed.
“ So,” she asked as they walked back towards his Tahoe “ you gonna share?”
“ Excuse me?” He looked at her confused, had he missed something?
“ Look stop trying to pretend you don’t know Gil, something’s not right between you and Sara, and you are going to sit down and talk to me.”
“ Um,” he shook his head “ No I’m not.”
“ Oh I think you are,” she told him stubbornly “ don’t even try and argue with me, you know you can’t win this one.” Turning away from him she walked towards the Tahoe and climbed in to wait for him.
Grissom felt his heart give way to heavy aching as he slowly walked towards the passenger door. He knew he had to talk to someone soon, maybe sort out this whole mess he had managed to cause around him. With a heavy sigh he climbed into the passenger seat waiting for the bombardment to come. It didn’t take long for the assault to begin.
“ Ok,” Catherine demanded as he closed his door “ Now talk.”
Grissom really didn’t know where to start. Things with Sara had gone wrong a long time ago. “I don’t know where to start,” he groaned hopelessly.
“Tell me what happened yesterday because something obviously happened to have you in this bad mood.”
Grissom hesitated, he still didn’t know if this was a wise thing to do. “I..I went by Sara’s place yesterday. I wanted to talk because she called in sick but she was out with him.” Catherine noticed the emphasis on him. She was sure, Grissom was jealous.
“And..” Catherine asked.
“Well, Jason wouldn’t let me see her but she heard me and I thought I had a chance. She wanted me gone, out of her life. I just couldn’t go without seeing her. She was sitting on the couch. You know…I tried to talk to her, tried to let her see that I was sorry for hurting her. She wouldn’t give me a chance. I had to go and I never had the chance to talk to her.” Grissom paused for a moment. He felt that it was all getting too much for him. All he wanted to do was to go and see Sara, his Sara, yet he couldn’t because she didn’t want him near her.
“I wasn’t going to take no for an answer that easily, so I called her. I wanted her to know that I was trying, that I wanted to make things right again. The phone call was a real disaster. I apologized to her but she said she was tired of playing my games. She told me I didn’t know what real friendship was. She said I only hurt people.” The last words were said in a whisper but Catherine heard the pain in his voice.
“And she found out you’re jealous.” Catherine stated. Grissom just nodded, he didn’t want to talk anymore. “I think you did the right thing. But you’ve got to try harder. Sara’s hurt, really hurt and you are the cause. She’s right, Gil, you’ve been playing games with her.”
“No, I haven’t.” His voice was strong and determined.
“Yes, you have. You played with her heart. You just go from being totally infatuated by her to totally ignoring her like she’s some plague. You can’t play with somebody’s heart like that. You know, I don’t blame her for being mad at you. She has every right.”
“Catherine, this is not really helping. I already feel bad.” He didn’t need Catherine to tell him what a fool he had been.
“Jason is her friend, one of her best friends. She’s not in love with him.” Catherine watched the man beside her. He was staring outside probably thinking about Sara.
“You haven’t seen them together. There’s something there.”
“No, there isn’t. She hasn’t seen him for years, she feels hurt. He’s her anchor now, she needs him.”
“Yeah…in more than one way.”
“Stop it, Gil. Don’t talk about her like that. Jason is her friend, her best friend. That’s it. Understand? She doesn’t want him in a romantic way. She wants you, though she’s trying very hard to forget you.”
“She doesn’t want me anymore.”
“Yes, she does. Keep trying, keep letting her know that you need her in your life. Don’t take no for answer that easily, show her that the feeling is still there. Try, Gil, don’t give up.”
Grissom just nodded, maybe Catherine was right. He shouldn’t give up that easily. But he still doubted if Sara and Jason were only friends. Catherine started the engine and drove off to the lab. As Grissom and Catherine stepped out of the Tahoe, Grissom saw a man leaning against a car. It was Jason. Grissom was about to walk to him when he saw Sara walking up to Jason. She had a big smile on her face, the smile she used to show him. She put her arms around Jason’s neck and pulled him close. Grissom was sure now that Catherine was wrong, there was something going on between Sara and Jason.
“Nothing going on, huh? Don’t think so, Catherine.” Grissom harshly said to Catherine before walking away together into the lab.
“Look, Jason, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I don’t have to time to get something to drink with you.” Sara apologized to Jason.
“No problem, Sara. I’ll call you after your shift.”
“Thanks, Jase. I gotta go.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away.
Catherine decided this was a good time to talk to Jason. Maybe there was something they could do.
She trotted over towards him, calling out his name before he could climb into his car. He looked up when he saw her, and greeted her with an awkward smile.
“ Uh hi,” he nodded as he tried to remember her name.
“ Catherine,” she supplied with a smile as she stuck out a hand to shake his “ I wanted to talk to you if you have time.”
“ Yeah sure,” he nodded “ I have time now, Sara couldn’t get away.”
“ Yeah that’s the problem with our work I’m afraid, and our Sara is especially dedicated.”
“ Yeah she is,” he grinned, his eyes drifting towards the door that had just taken her away from him “ she’s always been that way.”
“ It’s Sara I wanted to talk to you about,” she told him softly, waiting for his eyes to reach hers “ there’s a coffee shop just around the corner, it’s private.”
Jason nodded his head dubiously and followed her lead, his mind swimming with every kind of scenario he could think of “ Is she ok?”
“ I was gonna ask you that question,” she smiled “ you two seem really close.”
“ Of course we are,” he grinned “ we’ve known each other for years.”
They reached the coffee shop and Catherine motioned for him to follow her through the door. They moved in silence until they found a quiet booth away from the window.
“ Ok,” she sighed, meeting him squarely “ I know that you know about her and Grissom’s relationship, so we don’t need to explain that part to each other. I’m just worried about them both you know, they are my friends, both of them.”
“ Well Sara’s my friend and she’s in love with someone who doesn’t give a rats ass about her,” he told her angrily “ I have known her for a very long time, and I can’t say I have ever seen her this broken before. He won’t hurt her again, I’ll make sure of that.”
“ Are you in love with her?” she asked him suddenly, her voice levelled as she spoke.
“ What?” he gasped, “ I love her more than anything, but we’re not like that. She’s my best friend.”
“ That’s what I thought too,” she nodded “ but as her friend do you think it’s wise to keep her from the man she loves? And despite what you might think, he does love her.”
“ Yeah right,” he snorted, “ he has a great way of showing her.”
“ Look, the two of them have been going over and over this thing they have for the last three years. They are both too stubborn to give each other a chance.”
“ Hey, he’s the one who rejected her,” he snapped, “ I won’t let him hurt her.”
“ Neither will I,” she promised “ but maybe together we can help them sort this out.”
“ What makes you think I want to help with this?” he asked her, his voice raising a notch as he spoke.
“ Because you love her,” she smiled “ and you want to see her happy. Like it or not, he’s the only man she loves and he’s the only one who can truly make her happy.” Rising to her feet, she leant foreword so her hands were on the table “ So are you going to help me?”
After a few seconds, he let out the breath he was holding “ What did you have in mind?”
Catherine said down again. She was glad she convinced Jason to help her. “I want to try to get them together. So they can have the chance to talk.”
“That’s going to be difficult. Sara doesn’t want to talk to him.”
“True, so we gotta put them together.”
“You’ve obviously figured this whole thing out. Tell me what you want me to do.” In the end Catherine was right. He wanted Sara to be happy and apparently Grissom was the one who could make her happy.
“I’m not sure yet. The two of them should talk it out but they are both pretty stubborn. Gil could go to her place but the question is, will Sara let him in?” Catherine thought.
“No, she won’t let him in.” That he knew for sure.
“Okay..let me think.” Catherine really didn’t know what to do.
“Maybe I can help. I remember Sara told me she’d go to the park once in a while to clear her head. The park was special to her, I don’t exactly know why but I’m sure it has something to do with him.”
“Ooh yeah wait…I remember. They had this case together in which they worked great together. They almost weren’t able to keep their hands of each other.”
“So we have them meet each other there.” Jason suggested. He knew Sara was going to the park later that day because she’d told him about it earlier. It was her way of saying goodbye to the time she’d had with Grissom. “I know Sara’s going there today…probably straight after work. How are we going to get Grissom there?”
“I’ll handle that, all right.”
“Well, yes but I’d like to talk to Grissom about Sara so maybe I can convince him.” Jason needed to set things straight with him.
“If not, I will. Any problems, than let me know.” Catherine stood up, waiting for Jason to do the same.
“I’ll walk with you.” Jason said and together they walked back to the lab. Catherine pointed Jason to Grissom’s office and left him alone. She hoped Jason could convince Grissom. But knowing Grissom, he would do anything for Sara.
Grissom was looking through some papers when he heard a knock on his door. “Yes.” He said without even looking up, thinking it was Catherine.
“Mr. Grissom.” Jason said, walking to the chair in front of the desk and taking a seat.
“What can I do for you?” Grissom asked, his voice sounding very cold. He had no clue what so ever why Jason was here. He really didn’t want to talk to the man.
“I’d like to talk about Sara.”
“Why?”
Jason didn’t see the need in dancing around the topic so he decided to just say it. “Sara’s hurt, you’re the cause. If it were up to me I wouldn’t let you near her.”
“Excuse me?” Grissom asked.
“I…. I can’t believe you, really. Sara’s a great and beautiful woman and there are enough men that would like to date her. But she’s not interested in them; she’s only interested in you. Sara told me you kept pushing her away but she kept coming back for more. She always believed that….you would show your feelings for her. Sara’s an amazing person, she doesn’t give up on her friends, she’s always there for you. And she has always showed you how she felt. But you simply rejected her. Why do you keep hurting her? Wasn’t one time enough?” Jason was getting agitated but he didn’t want to get angry so he took a deep breath. “You know, I love Sara. I really do.”
By now Grissom really thought that he had been right all along. Here was Jason admitting to him that he loved Sara. Where did that leave him?
“Don’t look so jealous.” Jason stated. He knew Grissom was jealous about his relationship with Sara. “I’m not in love with Sara, okay? She’s my best friend; I’ll do anything for her. And that’s why I am here. You and Sara need to talk.”
For the first time Grissom and Jason agreed on something. “That’s going to be difficult. She doesn’t want to see me.” Grissom said, wondering what Jason was up to.
“I know. Look, Sara will be at the park after shift. Catherine told me you would know which park.”
“Catherine? You’ve talked to Catherine?” Grissom asked surprised.
“Yes, anyway do you know which park? It was a park connecting to a case you two had. I know it is a special place for Sara.”
Grissom nodded, it was special for him too. He and Sara and worked so well together that day. It was the last time he’d work with her like that.
“Go see her, talk to her. She can’t close the door on you or something like that. This is your chance.” Jason stood up, walked to the door and turned around. “Don’t screw it up. If you do, I won’t let you near Sara again. She doesn’t deserve being hurt like that.” With that Jason left Grissom alone.
Sara loved the park, especially this one with all its precious memories that still held her final link to Grissom. Parking her Tahoe, she climbed out to make her way over towards one of the park benches.
She tried not to let her memories affect her anymore, but images of Grissom still haunted her heart, his overwhelming possession taking control over her body. When would she ever be free?
Closing her eyes, she welcomed the silence that surrounded her, freeing her soul as she sank deeper into the bench. This was a good idea, she mused, this was the peace she craved.
Something cracked behind her, bringing her to full wakefulness as she whipped her head around so fast she almost fell off the bench.
She stared behind her, the intrusion showing himself to cause a sudden wave of relief to wash over her heart.
“ Jeeze Grissom,” she gasped, “ you scared the crap outta me.”
“ Sorry,” he smiled gingerly as he took a step closer towards her “ you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to call out to you.”
“ Gee thanks,” she whined, the sarcasm dripping from her voice as she spoke “, what are you doing here?”
Grissom regarded her for a long moment, his heart beating so loudly inside his chest he could hardly think, “ I wanted to see you.”
“ Well here I am,” she told him, averting her eyes “ I’m here, you’ve seen me. You can go now.”
Her voice startled him for a moment. He had always known that Sara would have a side to her that could be dark but he didn’t think he would ever be on the receiving end of her anger, “ Please Sara, I need to talk to you.”
“ You had plenty time to talk to me Grissom and you chose not to,” her voice cracked as she spoke, her heart aching under the immense strain “ what’s the matter you can’t find anyone else to play your damn mind games?”
Grissom heard her pain, its call reaching out to him to encase his already cracking heart as he moved to sit next to her on the bench. He wanted to tell her everything, to unleash his emotions and heal all the pain he had caused, but part of him held back, still afraid “ I’m lost without you Sara,” he admitted, the soft whisper escaping his heart before he had chance to stop it. When she hadn’t moved he wondered briefly if he had spoken at all, but when she turned around to slowly face him, he knew.
“ You chose to push me away,” she whispered in a ragged voice her emotions laid bare before him “, you wouldn’t even give us a chance and now here you are, wanting me to listen when you never wanted me at all?” As she spoke a lone tear fell from her eyes to roll down her cheek “ you’re too late Grissom.”
Her words ripped through his heart taking his breath away from him. He knew he had to tell her, he had to make her understand “ Please don’t,” he gasped, reaching for her hand to pull her around to face him “ how can it be too late when the love is still there Sara?”
For a second they both stared at each other, both stunned into silence. Grissom’s heart was racing inside him with the soft admission that chased all his fear away inside him. He needed her to make him complete, he knew that now.
He clutched her hand desperately, needing her closeness as much as he needed her to understand.
Now, as they gazed into each other’s eyes, everything became abundantly clear, his feelings, his denial, everything.
“ I?” she started only to stop and start again, regaining her composure “ Love?”
“ Yes love,” he whispered, his voice gravelled low as he reached a hand to stroke her face “ I still see it in your eyes. You can’t hide it. And for me….it has always been there. I’ve been a fool Sara, a total fool, will you please forgive me and let me try again?”
Sara closed her eyes as his fingers grazed her skin, his words reaching out to offer her everything she had ever wished for. Her heart waged a war with her mind, one trying to overpower the other as she fought for control.
“ I don’t know,” she told him, her voice cracked on a whisper “ how do I know you won’t change your mind again?”
“ I won’t.”
“ But what if you do?” Tears gathered in her eyes as she spoke, her fingers wrapping around his hands “ I can’t play this game anymore Griss, I know you think I’m strong enough, but I’m not.”
“ I won’t risk losing you again,” he told her, his voice caught on his emotions. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to wrap his arms around her, to release both of their souls from the bludgeoning pain that engulfed them. He moved a hand up her arm. Gliding over her shoulders until her pulled her slowly into his chest, wrapping her inside his protective embrace.
Sara felt his heat seeping into her body, his scent surrounding her as she slowly moved her hands up his sides to meet behind his back.
His warmth surrounded her, releasing her pain as she sank into his embrace, letting her tears finally fall free as she buried herself into his chest.
“ I’m, sorry,” he whispered into her hair, pulling her closer to him as he closed his eyes. “Sara, we need to talk.” He needed to tell her so much, to reassure her that he wasn’t going to go away anymore.
Sara just nodded, afraid her voice would betray everything she felt for this man. How her heart ached for his touch for his warmth. But she wasn’t going to give in that easily. After all his pushing away she’d become wiser. She wasn’t going to get fooled again.
“Let’s go to my place.” Grissom suggested.
“No.” Sara said strongly. She sat up and looked him in the eyes. She wasn’t going to his place where she would feel uncomfortable and even more vulnerable than now. “I….let’s go to my place.” She stood up and started walking to her car. All Grissom could do is follow her because leaving her now would be the definite end between them
They arrived at Sara’s place in separate cars. She opened the door and waited for him to enter her place. She closed the door behind her, walked to the kitchen and got started on the coffee. Grissom wasn’t sure what to do. Should he sit down on the couch or wait for her to come back or keep her company in the kitchen? He didn’t know. He felt uncomfortable and being at Sara’s place wasn’t helping. He could feel her everywhere, her scent intoxicating him, making him feel powerless. He heard movement from behind him and turned around. Sara had two cups of coffee in her hand, handing one to him. She walked by him and sat down on the couch. Grissom sat down next to her, needing his closeness to comfort the aching pain in his heart. He didn’t know if he should go first or that she wanted to say something to him.
“Why did you push me away?” She asked him, not looking at him because then he would see how much he meant to her.
“I……” Grissom hesitated. “…you started getting closer and closer. I didn’t know what to do about it. You….confused me.” He put his coffee cup on the table in front of him and turned slightly to look at Sara. “I’ve lived alone for so long now that it’s hard for me to let people in. I have these walls built around me to protect me from being hurt but they also prevent me from getting close to anybody. But you…from the very first moment you found a way to break through those walls and that scared me. The last year you got very close….too close. I never thought I was the one for you. After a while it became clear to me that you had a new life outside work. You were with Hank; it wasn’t my place to interfere with that. I wanted and still want you to be happy.”
“But I never was with Hank. That’s the problem; you started making conclusions which you knew nothing about. I told you Hank and I were just friends but you didn’t believe me. And at that time you’d already pushed me far away so I didn’t care anymore if you believed me or not.” Sara stood up and walked to the window.
“I’m sorry, Sara.” Grissom’s pain was obvious in his voice. “If I could take it all back, I would but…I never stopped loving you.” He whispered the last bit.
Her heart told her to believe his words but she was struggling. She had waited so long to hear these words from him but now they seemed less powerful. “ Why do you say you love me when you go so easily to another woman. I just don’t feel I can trust you.”
The words hit him hard, causing his heart to beat rapidly in his chest. She knew, she knew about him and Lady Heather. Tears welled up in his eyes, thinking about all the pain he had caused her. He took a deep breath and started to explain. “I’m sorry about Lady Heather.” Before he could explain any further Sara interrupted him.
“Why did you do it? Why did you turn to her? Why did you sleep with her?” She turned around, wanting him to see all the pain she felt at that very moment, wanting him to know he was the cause.
He gasped, seeing the pain in her eyes. He stood up and walked toward her, stopping a few feet in front of her. “I felt lonely Sara, you had Hank and I….I didn’t have anybody.”
“But that’s just it, I never had Hank and I never slept with Hank. Though I knew him better than you knew Lady Heather.” Sara sighed, she didn’t want to discuss Lady Heather anymore with Grissom. She knew he understood the pain he had caused her with his actions. “What are you going to do the next time you feel lonely? Are you going to turn to her again, or this time another woman?”
It hurt him, knowing that she didn’t trust him anymore. He was determined to do everything in his power to regain that trust again. “With you in my life I’ll never feel lonely.” He took her hands in his and pulled her a little closer.
“ You know what hurts the most?” she whispered as her eyes dropped to their joined hands.
“ What?” he asked softly, squeezing her fingers to coax the answer from her lips “ tell me.”
Sara heard his words wash over her heart, easing a little of the pain away with them, but the lingering ache still stayed inside her, its defiance burning inside her body “ I could never sleep with someone I didn’t love, and Hank was someone I couldn’t ever love because you were always in the way,” she let out a bitter chuckle as she withdrew her hand from his “ that’s near hysterical coming from me isn’t it? You didn’t even see me as a woman.”
“ Sara?” he cut in, desperately trying to break through the barrier she had erected over her heart “ I have always seen you as a woman, believe me.”
Tears gathered in her eyes as she lifted her head to chance a look at him “ Have you only just discovered this revelation since Jason came to town?”
“ What?” he gasped “ No of course not.” Reaching forward, he clasped her hand tightly, trying to reassure her with his careful touch “ I have been such a fool to let you believe you didn’t hold any importance to me. Please believe me Sara, I can’t bear to lose you again.”
“ That’s the whole damn problem Grissom,” she whispered brokenly as a tear fell from her eyes “ I can’t let you go.”
“ Sara?”
“ I’ve tried so hard,” her voice shook as she spoke, her tears cascading down her face “ believe me I have tried to forget you but you just won’t go away. You’re in here so deep,” lifting his hand; she placed it over her heart, watching through tears as his eyes met hers again.
“ I don’t want you to forget me,” he whispered as he took a step closer towards her “, I want to be with you Sara, I know that now, please give me a chance to show you.” He coaxed her closer with his words, until she was close enough for him to smell her perfume. All resolve melted away as he let go of her hands to pull her towards him, crushing her against his body, “ I love you so much,” he whispered, his lips buried in her hair “ please don’t leave me.”
Sara closed her eyes against his words, their powerful impact leaving her emotionally drained as she sank into his body. She knew she loved him, that was never in question, she just needed their trust back “ I love you,” she told him, her muffled words pouring into his chest, causing him to hold her tighter as he encased her in his arms unable to release her for a single moment.
They fell into a comfortable silence, both clinging to each other tightly, both afraid to let go. Slowly, Sara moved back so she could look up into his eyes, his love for her shining so clearly into hers “ Where do we go from here?”
“ I don’t want to lose this,” he whispered “ I’ll do anything you want me to. Anything.”
For the fist time in days, a genuine smile graced her soft features as she gazed lovingly into his eyes “ Have dinner with me?”
“ Yes,” he grinned “ as many as you want.”
“ Can we date?” she asked, her voice catching on a smile as she spoke, relieved that the tension in her heart was finally easing away.
“ I’d like that.”
Her eyes lingered over his face briefly to come to a stop on his lips. Gulping visibly, she lifted her eyes back up to his, a hesitant smile on her lips as she spoke slowly, “ Kiss me?”
Her heart started to thump wildly inside her chest as she waited for his answer. For a second she thought he was going to run away from her, but instead his arms tightened around her waist. Leaning closer, he grazed her lips gently with his own, feeling her warm breath on his face as he pulled back to see her reaction.
She was beautiful, he mused, her eyes had fluttered closed with this one brief touch, her lips inviting him to join her. Leaning closer, her touched her lips again, this time lingering closer until her hands slid up his sides to tangle her fingers into his hair. She leaned into his body, a sigh escaping her lips as she opened her mouth to grant him the access he so desperately needed, deepening their kiss and their love to seal them together for a lifetime. They pulled away reluctantly both trying to catch their breath after the passionate kiss. Sara pulled him down on the couch with her. She couldn’t believe this, here she was with the man of her dreams right beside her and they had just kissed. Although she wanted to stay in this moment forever, wanting to cherish the feelings that were running wildly through her, she couldn’t. The last couple of days of trying to forget the man who was now sitting beside her had been tiring on her. She needed her sleep. She tried to stifle a yawn, not wanting Grissom to notice her tiredness. Grissom reached out to gently caress her cheek.
“You need your sleep, Sara.” He told her softly, not wanting to lose the feeling of her next to him, filling his heart with so much love.
“No, I’m fine.” She didn’t want this moment to end.
“Honey, you’re tired. Go sleep.” Grissom took her hand in his and pulled her up.
“I…” Sara started.
“I know.” He told her softly, pulling her into his arms, needing her so much it almost scared him. “I don’t want this to end either.” He whispered into her hair.
She pulled away slightly, looking into his beautiful blue eyes that shone with love for her. She grazed his lips with hers, needing his lips to seal the promise they had just made. Slowly the kiss grew passionate again and they were lost in each other.
“Sara…” Grissom tried to pull away from her but she wouldn’t let him. He took her face gently in his hands and looked into her big brown eyes. “As much as I’d like to continue this, I don’t think it would be right. You need to get some sleep.” She smiled at him and kissed him again. She took him by the hand, leading him to her bedroom.
“Sara…I don’t know..” Grissom wanted to be with here but he knew this would be to soon.
“Please stay, I want to feel your arms around me, to know you’re there and won’t leave.” She said softly, looking down at the ground, afraid for to look in his eyes.
“Hey…” He said, lifting her chin with his finger to make her look at him. “I’m never going to leave you alone again.”
“ Then stay with me?” she asked softly.
Her words scared him more than he cared to admit, but the thought of losing her scared him even more. Closing his eyes, he pulled her into his arms, holding her close to his body as he whispered his answer into her hair “ Yes.”
Sara tightened her hold, needing to keep his warmth close to her body, needing to keep his love and savour every moment. Leaning back, she smiled up into his eyes “ I’ll go and get changed,” she whispered shyly as she tried to control the tremor coursing throughout her body “ I’ll um, be a minute ok?”
“ Sure,” he smiled, his own heart thudding inside his chest as he watched her withdraw towards the bathroom. He tried to control his breathing as he removed his shirt. In a few minutes, the woman he had loved for so long would be sharing a bed with him. Stripping down to his boxers, he bent to pull the covers back over the bed and climbed inside, waiting nervously for her to come back into the room.
He didn’t have too long to wait, for a heartbeat later she was there, clad in a t shirt that barely covered her thighs, and for the second time that same night he held his breath.
Clicking off the light, Sara climbed into the bed beside him, creeping closer to his body so she could settle against him. All thoughts of embarrassment flew in a thousand different directions as she melted into his arms, a contented sigh emerging from her lips. Despite her denials, she was tired. Now as she relaxed in Grissom's arms she thought this was the most natural feeling in the whole world.
Grissom traced patterns on her back with his fingers, relaxing both of them into a peaceful slumber, taking every ounce of pain away from their hearts, to replace them with each other love.
At some point in the night they had rolled onto their sides, spooned together with Grissom’s arms wrapped around her, holding her close to his body. They were sleeping so deeply that the knock at the door failed to rouse them, until it sounded again, louder, thudding against Sara’s wooden door, bringing Grissom awake.
Cracking an eye open, he at first wondered where he was, until Sara shifted against him and he felt an inner peace settle over him.
The knock sounded again, more persistently this time. Not wanting to disturb her, he untangled his arms from around Sara’s body, careful not to wake her. Slipping to the side of the bed, he bent down to pull on his pants before heading towards the door. He opened the door without really thinking about the fact that he was opening Sara’s door.
As the door opened the two men stared at each other. Jason was shocked to find Gil Grissom standing in Sara’s apartment with only his pants on. What the hell was going on? “What are you doing here?” He asked.
Grissom rubbed his eyes, not fully awake yet. He stepped aside to let Jason in.
“What did you do to her?” Jason asked, trying very hard not to get angry.
“Excuse me? I did nothing to her. We talked about what was going on. We got here to get something to drink. I told her to get some sleep, she wanted me to stay. We slept, that’s it.” Grissom ran a hand through his hair, he didn’t even know why he was explaining his actions to Jason.
Jason was happy for Sara that they had worked things out. Sara’s happiness meant a lot to him and if anybody hurt her they would have to deal with him. He looked around hoping to see Sara.
“She’s still asleep.” Grissom answered his silent question.
“Good, she needs it. God know she hasn’t had much sleep lately. Look, I’m happy if Sara’s happy. I’m glad you two talked. Take good care of her, she’s very important to me.”
“And to me.” Grissom said.
“She’s a wonderful woman and she loved you. Don’t mess this up again.” With that Jason padded Grissom on the shoulder and walked to the door again. He opened the door but before closing it he told Grissom, “Tell Sara I’ll call her later”, and he closed the door behind him.
Grissom walked back to the bedroom, still not sure about what had just happened. It was all put to the back of his head the moment he saw Sara lying in her bed. His heart immediately wanted him to lie down beside her and wrap her in his arms, needing her body to make him feel at home. He didn’t know he could love a woman as much as he loved Sara. Finally she had let him love her and he would never let her go again.