God Bless The Child
By Amanda Hawthorn
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Grissom/Sara
DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis
Productions. No infringement intended.
A/N: As always thank you to everyone for your constant support. It is very
much appreciated. Special thanks go to Marlou for beta-ing this for me, and
for being part of my wonderful circle of friends.
This is also for Laura Katharine, who not only is a great author, but also has been constant in her support and total confidence in me. You all have her to thanks for this!! I was ready to delete it but was threatened with things unmentionable if I did!!
The early morning air swirled around Sara Sidle as she stepped out of the lab after another long exhausting shift. Tomorrow was Christmas day, and she had opted to work, again. Nick was visiting his family. Catherine was spending time with Lindsey leaving herself, Grissom and Warrick to cover the next few days.
Lifting her head into the breeze, she relished the coldness surrounding her. Another long night would follow the previous one, on and on until she would be able to bury the aching heaviness in her heart. Christmas only showed her the things that she lacked in her life. Here she was, in her thirties, alone. The holidays meant family and being with the people you loved, she had very little, her relationship with her parents strained at the best of times. The only man she had ever loved still avoided her like she had some terrible disease and she had all but resigned herself to the fact that she would always remain alone.
Behind her, the doors swung open and Grissom came almost colliding with her. Turning quickly, she gasped in a breath. Was that her heart she could hear beating so loudly? Or was it perhaps his?
“Sorry,” she managed before her voice betrayed her emotions. She needed to be away from him and those piercing eyes. She had to keep up the pretense that she was really over him. “I…Bye.”
“Sara,” he called, his voice stopping her in her tracks. Turning briefly, she waited for him to continue, but his voice seemed to be lost on his tongue.
Sighing heavily, Sara nodded sadly and started to turn away knowing that this was just another failed attempt at communicating. Closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall, she started to walk away, her car offering her the shelter she needed, but something caught her attention. Moving closer towards one of the bushes, she heard the noise again.
“What’s wrong?” Grissom asked worriedly, finding his voice as he came closer towards her.
“I heard some…” Sara’s voice died on her lips when she saw the cause of the disturbance. She gasped in a shuddered breath when she found herself looking down into the smiling face of a baby, dressed in a blue romper suit and surrounded with a cerulean colored blanket. “Oh God.”
“What?” he asked quickly, coming to stop beside her. “Oh…”
Sara’s heart flipped when the little boy gazed up into her eyes, giggling excitedly. His legs kicked and his arms waved in the air, waiting for her to reach for him. Sara’s initial reaction had been to pick up the bassinette and hand it, along with the baby to Grissom. She knew that her and kids didn’t mix too well, and she didn’t want to tempt fate by picking the child up and have it scream at her, but she couldn’t seem to help being drawn to his eyes.
The baby gurgled up at her, his little legs kicking against his bassinette, silently pleading for her touch. Blinking away the emotion in her eyes, Sara felt her heart melting no matter how much she tried to ignore the maternal feelings creeping over her.
Bending down, she carefully ignored the baby’s squeal of delight as she reached inside the blanket to search for anything that would give an indication as to why he was here. Finding nothing beneath him, she moved her hands up a little further only to have her thumb grabbed in a tiny fist with a vice like grip. Her eyes flew to the sparkling blue gems that shone back at her mischievously and found every other feeling she had ever known merge into one pure emotion.
Bending forward, Sara smiled into the baby’s eyes and untangled her thumb from his tiny hands. Reaching beneath him, she lifted him carefully out of his blankets and into her arms, surprised at how heavy he was in her embrace. Lifting him carefully, she moved him gently until they had both become accustomed to each others touch.
“Sara…” Grissom said softly when he saw the tenderness in her movements. For a moment it shook his senses and filled his heart with so many feelings that he had to fight to breathe. Crouching down beside her, he gazed on in awe as she stroked the baby’s face before bending down to plant a soft kiss into his hair.
“Hey,” she whispered softly, the gentleness in her voice stunning Grissom as much as the vision before him. “What are you doing here?”
“We should get him inside,” He told her, finding his voice. Without thinking, he ran a hand across her back to settle across her shoulders, his hands drinking in the warmth of her. Sara seemed to lean into his chest, his warmth enveloping her heart as she drew strength from the feelings that surrounded her. Glancing over her shoulder, Grissom looked down into the child’s face and saw him gazing up into the eyes of the woman who held him. For the briefest of moments, he felt like an intruder, his presence piercing such a peaceful moment. As he looked on in wonder, he knew he was witnessing something that was both beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.
“We should go,” Grissom told her worriedly, hooking an arm beneath her elbow to gently help her to stand with the precious bundle in her arms. He had witnessed how she would become attached with victims in the past, and seeing her now, gazing down at this child with absolute adoration, it scared him. “Sara,” he urged.
She nodded silently, holding the baby closer to her. “Who could do this Grissom?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke.
“Come on,” he urged, reaching behind her to pick up the bassinette that contained the necessary clues as to who this baby was and why he was here. “We’ll get him inside and try to figure it out.”
“Hey,” Sara whispered softly to the little boy who snuggled into her chest. “What’s your name huh? I bet your mom is missing you.”
Grissom watched her as they walked the few steps towards the lab, his heart opening to the woman beside him. Such tenderness and he had failed to witness it before. Opening the door for her, he waited until she had entered inside before following her. With a gentle push, he guided her down the corridor that lead towards Brass’s office.
“Grissom, this baby needs to see a doctor,” she told him, stopping in the middle of the corridor before he could push her on any further. “You go and see Brass if you need to, but I’m taking him to see Doc Robbins.”
“Sara.”
“No. We don’t know how long he’s been out there in the cold weather. I won’t let anything happen to him because we failed to get him checked over first.” Staring into Grissom’s eyes, she dared him to contradict her, her eyes flaring with defiance.
“Okay, I’ll come with you. We’ll find Warrick and give him the bassinette to process.” Sighing heavily, Grissom made a move to walk beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she told him quietly, lifting the baby higher into her shoulder.
“For what?” He asked, slightly confused until he caught a glimpse of worry in her eyes.
“I know you don’t particularly like it when I disagree with you. I learned that hard lesson before, but I won’t listen to your orders over this baby’s health. Do what you want to me after we find his parents, but until then…” Her voice trailed off as the baby started to whimper in her arms. “Shh, honey it’s okay,” she whispered.
Grissom gulped as his mistakes came up to hit him full force, and once again he found his regrets outweighing the feelings within him. Trying to lighten the regrets he felt lingering around them, he nudged her shoulder as they walked. “He likes you.”
“Well I’m sure he will until we find his family,” she smiled, holding the tiny body closer to settle him. “This poor child was unfortunate enough to have me find him.”
“Sara you are doing fine,” he started, his voice failing him when she turned her tear filled eyes to him. She shook her head quickly, indicating that she didn’t want to talk anymore.
They walked on silently, Grissom taking a left turn towards Warrick while Sara carried on to find Doc Robbins. Looking down into the sleeping face of the child in her arms, Sara suddenly felt something snap inside her. This baby needed her, and she had a feeling that she would move heaven and earth to help him.
Pushing open the morgue doors, she was relieved to find David washing down the tables. Al Robbins looked up when she took a step closer. “I need your help,” she told him quickly, moving towards him.
“Well this is a little sudden…”
“He was abandoned outside,” she told him, ignoring his smile that quickly evaporated into shock. “We found him wrapped in a blanket, but it was so cold outside.”
“He should be on his way to the hospital,” Al told her, reaching for the child in her arms.
“I know, but you’re a doctor. He needs your attention right now.” Lifting the baby, she relinquished her hold as she passed him over. The little boy in her arms opened his eyes and let out a high-pitched wail, sobbing when he left the arms of his savior.
Sara instinctively reached for him again, taking the child back into her arms to hold him against her. “Hey, it’s okay honey,” she soothed, stroking his hair until his sobbing subsided. “He’s not going to hurt you.”
“Maybe you should sit down with him and I’ll examine him while you’re holding him,” Al Robbins suggested, his own shocked eyes meeting David’s.
“Sorry, he’s been a little clingy since I picked him up,” she apologized. “Maybe I should just hand him over to Brass.”
“You really think you could leave him and walk away?” Al asked honestly, offering her a small smile as he leant in closer to unclip the romper suit. Smiling down into the tiny eyes that stared up at him, Al glanced up at Sara briefly. “Your tough act doesn’t fool me Sara.”
Opening her mouth to answer. The doors swung open to reveal Grissom and Brass walking into the room.
“What’s happening?” Brass asked, coming around to stand beside Sara.
“This child didn’t want to be parted from… her,” Al started, his voice halting until he could find the right word. Unable to find one he just nodded towards the woman before him.
“Sara, wanna tell me what happened?” Brass asked.
“Well I heard a noise while we were outside…”
“No,” Brass interrupted. “What happened here?”
“Oh,” she sighed, smiling down into the purest eyes she had ever seen. “He kinda likes me I think.”
“One in a line of many I’m sure,” he replied dryly. “We haven’t had any infants reported missing yet. Let’s get him to the hospital, see what they can tell us about him. He’s got parents out there somewhere…” he trailed off, noticing that Sara wasn’t paying any attention to him. He looked at Grissom, standing behind her. They exchanged subtle looks of concern. “You know you can’t keep him, right?” Brass asked obnoxiously.
Sara just stared at him like he was crazy, then glanced at Grissom, offering him the same look. “What? Do you all think I’ve snapped or something? It’s not my fault. Here! Watch.” She stood up, handing the boy to Brass rather abruptly. The baby was fine for about four seconds, and then turned to Sara, wailing and leaning from Brass.
Sara took a step back. “Good luck at the hospital,” she said, raising her voice over the child’s cries. “Hope you’ve got some earplugs.” She shook her head and moved toward the exit.
Grissom just looked at Brass, silently acknowledging both Sara’s tendency for attachment, and her ability to keep the baby quiet.
Brass handed the baby to Grissom who cast him a horrified look. The child wailed loudly, his cries dying away into a soft whimper when Grissom tried to soothe him. The silence lasted for on a few seconds before he wailed again, his little eyes searching for the woman who had held him close to her.
“Sara, I’m sorry,” Brass yelled at her above the sobbing that echoed around the room. “Please, come and take him, you’re right, he likes you.”
Turning back around to face the anguished faces of the four men in the room, she cast her eyes to Grissom who was trying his best to hush up the crying child. Ignoring the feelings surging inside her heart, she moved away from the doors and held out her arms to retrieve the baby.
All eyes in the room focused on her as she carefully took the wriggling bundle back into her arms and held him close to her chest. “Hey, shhh,” she soothed. “It’s okay now, it’s okay.”
The crying suddenly died away into tiny hiccups as the baby clung to her, desperately seeking her warmth. “There, see,” she whispered, kissing his head gently. “Everything’s alright now.” Lifting him to her shoulder, she cupped the back of his head with her hand, offering him the reassurance he needed from her. “I guess we’re ready,” she told Brass expectantly, her eyes daring him to comment further.
“Yeah, I can see that,” he nodded, worry in his voice as he briefly glanced towards Grissom before holding out his hand motioning for her to exit the room.
Nodding silently, Sara turned away from them abruptly and pushed the doors open to leave a stunned silence behind her.
“What just happened here?” Al Robbins asked, his expression lost somewhere between shock and pride. “Was that our Sara acting all maternal?”
“Yeah, hard to believe isn’t it?” Brass nodded, hissing a sigh through his lips as he turned away from them.
“I think she’s great.” David smiled to himself. Looking up, he caught the angry glare from Grissom whose eyes seemed to boar into his own, and the smile instantly dropped from his face. “As a mother I mean,” he muttered, “I mean if she ever had kids, I just meant…”
“I know what you meant,” Grissom nodded, cutting off the stuttered sentences that tumbled from David’s mouth. Turning to follow Brass out of the room, Grissom couldn’t help feeling something deep starting to churn within him. Sara had shocked him again, this time with her gentleness and affection, and he wondered for the umpteenth time since he had refused her dinner invitation, how it would feel to be loved by her.
Stepping out into the corridor, Grissom stopped in stunned silence unable to comprehend what he was actually witnessing. Warrick, the usually tough CSI was playing peek-a-boo with the child who giggled in delight. Although he squealed with tiny chuckles, he kept his hold still firmly locked onto Sara, never leaving her closeness for a second.
“Hey Grissom,” Warrick grinned, the smile falling away from his lips when he saw the seriousness in the older man’s eyes. “Nothing obvious with the bassinette. I found some food, formula, diapers and a bottle, but nothing out of the ordinary. There were some prints on the bottle, I’m running them through CODIS as we speak.”
“Okay,” Grissom nodded, his eyes falling to Sara who held the little boy close to her chest. He cast another worried glance with Brass, shaking his head before the other man could voice his concern.
“The hospital’s expecting us,” Brass spoke, nudging Sara’s arm to gain her attention.
“Yeah I heard you,” she nodded. “Hadn’t we better be going?”
“Uh, yeah,” he nodded; embarrassed by his own surprised expression that was no doubt present in his eyes.
“It’s cold outside,” she told him, turning to look at him. “He needs a blanket.”
“Oh, yeah I..” Brass’s eyes searched the corridor as if one would magically appear before him.
“Never mind,” she sighed, handing the baby to Warrick quickly before shrugging her arms out of her jacket.
Warrick smiled down at the baby, his wriggling body causing Warrick to hold him closer, “Hey little guy.”
Everyone held their breath for the inevitable wail that would no doubt soon follow his and Sara’s separation, and for a few seconds it seemed as if the child was quite happy with the situation. Until he realized the face staring down at him wasn’t Sara’s and his wide eyes began searching for her wildly.
“I’m here,” she said quickly, stepping forward before he could start sobbing again. Holding out her arms, Warrick passed the boy back to her so she could carefully wrap her jacket around his small body. “There you go,” she smiled softly.
“Look at you,” Warrick grinned proudly as he nudged her arm gently.
“Oh cut it out Warrick,” Sara sighed. “Everything will be back to normal around here in no time, so don’t get used to seeing this.”
“What, your softer side?” he grinned, reaching out to stroke the baby’s face. “Pity Nick wasn’t here.”
“You tell him and I’ll kill you,” she growled, her eyes twinkling with a hint of amusement.
“I’ll bring the car around,” Brass told her, ignoring the banter, his eyes etched with more than a little worry.
“We’ll be out in a second,” Grissom nodded.
“What?” Sara asked suddenly, turning to look up into the eyes that had dominated her senses for so many years. “You don’t have to come with us.”
“I do,” he told her, slipping a hand to her shoulder as he guided her away from Warrick. “You’ll need a ride back.”
“I’ll be fine,” she protested, her arms tightening around the wriggling baby. “He’ll be fine too.”
“I’m still coming with you.”
“Okay…great,” she muttered, lifting the baby so his little head was resting on her shoulder. “You’re the boss.”
“Sara, it’s not about me being the boss.” Grissom tightened his arm around her shoulder as he spoke, his eyes meeting tiny blue orbs which were watching him widely. Grissom couldn’t help himself, this child was causing havoc to an already chaotic existence, but he found himself welcoming the oncoming feelings that accompanied them. Lifting his hand from Sara’s shoulder, he stroked the tiny cheek that rested upon her and was rewarded with a little smile, and he felt his heart melt inside his chest.
The crisp air once again blew around then as they exited the Lab. Instinctively, Sara held the baby closer to her warmth, shielding him from the coldness that surrounded them. The little boy grasped a handful of her hair, snuggling in closer to her silken strands.
“Here’s Brass now,” Grissom stated, moving a hand to her back to push her forward gently. For a moment he considered removing his jacket to drape it around her shoulders, but fear of his feelings becoming exposed held him back
When the car pulled up along side them, Grissom stepped in front of Sara to pull open the rear door for her to climb in. For a few moments, Sara closed her eyes, relishing the feel of the tiny body against hers. Lifting him gently, she turned to Grissom, holding the baby towards him.
“You need to take him so I can strap myself in,” she told him softly.
“Oh…” Holding out his arms awkwardly, Grissom took the child from her and found his eyes holding hers for a few seconds more than he’d meant to. Her brown eyes held an immense sadness that splintered into his soul, shattering her essence into every part of his body. She needed some form of comfort, and he knew deep down inside that she needed him to offer it to her.
Breaking her eyes from his, Sara climbed into the back seat and pulled the seat belt securely around her before holding open her arms to retrieve the child from him.
“You all set?” he asked softly, lifting a finger to stroke the little boys cheek softly.
“Yeah, we’re fine here.”
Closing the door, Grissom stood and walked around to climb into the front seat alongside Brass. “Okay we’re ready.”
Brass nodded silently, his eyes sneaking a tentative glance into the rear view mirror to see Sara gazing down at the child in her arms. With a heavy sigh, he nodded to Grissom, his worry reaching through his eyes. “We’ve got a problem,” he mouthed silently.
“I know,” Grissom nodded in silence, knowing that Sara was already attached, even though she claimed this was just a case like any other.
Brass shook his head sadly as he started the car and drove them out of the car park. The sooner they found this child’s parents the better.
They arrived at the hospital in a little over ten minutes. Grissom helped Sara out of the car, once again taking the now sleeping baby from her arms. He found his eyes creeping over the tiny face that peeked out from beneath Sara’s jacket and he found himself fighting a burst of emotion that ached to claim him.
“Why don’t you hold him,” Sara whispered quietly when he moved to hand her back the baby, making sure she carefully avoided his eyes.
“Sara…”
“No, he’s asleep now, you should be okay from now on,” taking a step back, she looked around at the people passing her. “I’ll wait outside.”
“You should be inside with him Sara, he needs you,” Brass told her quietly as he came to stand beside her.
“I…” she started, her voice catching in her throat as she tried to find the words she needed to say, but she couldn’t speak. Instead she settled for nodding quietly, but kept her eyes away from Grissom and the child he carried.
“Don’t you want to hold him?” Grissom asked awkwardly as she fell into step beside him.
“No, he’s fine without me. You keep hold of him.” She shook her head slowly.
“Sara I know how you must feel…”
“No you don’t know how I feel,” she whispered sadly, lowering her voice when she saw the baby stir in Grissom’s arms.
“Looks like he’s waking up, maybe you should take him,” he told her, his heart thudding loudly inside his chest when he handed the baby to her. He had heard her soft admission and as much as he had tried to dismiss his feelings for her, she had a way of bringing them to the surface.
“He’ll be back with his mother soon,” she told him, biting her bottom lip at the realization that she had shared something with this child that gave her a glimpse of one of life’s paths she could have chosen. Reaching out, she took the offered treasure and relished the feel of him against her before she had to push it to the back of her mind, along with all of the other regrets she harbored there.
Walking towards the nurse’s station, Grissom came to stand closer beside Sara as he offered her his closeness. He needed her to know she had his support, even if he couldn’t show her the other emotions that she caused to simmer within him.
“Detective Brass,” Brass pulled out his badge to flash it at one of the nurses as she came closer towards them. “I called earlier about an abandoned baby.”
“Yes, we’re ready,” the nurse smiled, coming to stand next to Sara as she spoke. “Is this him?”
“Yeah,” Sara nodded, lifting her arms readying herself for the separation, but the child clung to her when he felt her move to release him. “Sorry,” she shrugged, pulling him back towards her, “he’s been like this since we found him.”
“Poor little thing,” the nurse sighed. “Well he’s very lucky to have you. Most abandoned babies fret without their mother. You must have children of your own.”
“Uh, no,” Sara told her “Kids usually hate me.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case,” she smiled. “I’m Tina by the way.”
“Sara,” she nodded.
“Okay if you would like to bring him through Sara, we’ll page the doctor to come and check him over.” Lifting her eyes to Grissom, she smiled, “Would your husband like to come too?”
“My…” Sara stuttered, shaking her head, “No, he’s my boss. I’m not even…” taking a breath, she steadied herself.
“Oh,” Tina said softly, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “My mistake.”
“No harm done,” Grissom told her, his own breathing becoming unsteady as he spoke. “I should wait out here with Detective Brass.”
“Okay,” Tina smiled, ushering Sara into a cubicle with the baby.
Chapter Five
Sara lowered the baby down into the hospital cot carefully, as she slowly loosened her arms around him. She found herself smiling down into his eyes as she reached out to stroke his chest softly. “There you go.”
“He seems to like you,” Tina smiled as she reached down to stroke his head.
“Yeah,” Sara sighed sadly, “it’ll wear off.”
The nurse looked at her curiously, shrugging off the sadness in her voice. “Babies are very perceptive you know,” she offered. “They can sense when they are loved and wanted.”
“What kind of mother could abandon her child?” Sara asked suddenly, lifting her eyes from the little boy who grabbed her hands to try and pull himself up. His actions demanded her attention and Sara couldn’t help but smile down at him adoringly.
“It’s hard to tell,” Tina sighed. “Sometimes it’s a teenager who was far too young to have a baby and finds she can’t cope anymore. Sometimes it’s a cry for help.”
“I don’t see how anyone could do that.” Sighing sadly, Sara caught Tina’s eyes. “No matter how bad things seem you have a responsibility to your child.”
“I know,” Tina smiled, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. “But sometimes things seem worse than they actually are. If she’s young, then maybe she thought she was doing the right thing by her child.”
“By leaving him?” Sara asked incredulously.
“Who knows Sara?” Tina told her, her eyes dropping to the little boy who now held Sara’s entire hand in both of his tiny ones. “It’s our job to treat him and not judge.”
“Yeah I know,” Sara sighed. “It’s my job to follow the evidence and process the scene, but when something like this happens I can’t always remember what is right.” Turning to see Tina’s confused glances she smiled. “I’m a CSI.”
“So you found him near your work?”
“Yeah, just outside,” Sara nodded.
“Well there’s something at least,” Tina shrugged as the doctor cane into the room. “She left him where she knew he would be taken care of.”
“Yeah I guess,” Sara nodded before the doctor took a step towards them.
“So this is the little man who was found abandoned?” he asked with a smile as he reached down to the baby’s chest to tickle him lightly.
The baby squealed, giggling in delight as he relinquished his hold on Sara’s fingers, momentarily abandoning his gaze upon her.
“And you are?”
“Sara Sidle, I found him and brought him here,” Sara told him quietly, reaching down to the baby’s head to gently stroke his soft hair.
“He seems drawn to you,” the doctor observed as he began unsnapping the poppers of the baby’s blue romper suit.
“Probably because I was the first face he saw,” Sara told him quietly, unwilling to believe that this child felt safe with her.
The doctor nodded silently, distracting the baby with soothing whispers as he pulled his restricting clothes away from his small body. “Let’s have a look at you shall we,” he cooed.
“That’s my cue to leave,” Sara whispered softly to Tina as she picked up her discarded jacket and slowly stepped away.
“He’ll be fine Sara,” Tina told her sympathetically.
“Yeah, I know he will,” Sara nodded reluctantly; casting one final glance back at the tiny life she had held in her arms for the briefest of times.
“You can come and visit him while he’s still here,” Tina offered quietly, walking the short distance towards the door with her.
“I don’t think that would be such a good idea,” Sara sighed, already feeling the sadness creeping over her lonely heart. “He has a mother out there already. The last thing he needs is me complicating things.”
“Well if you change your mind…”
“Thanks,” Sara nodded as she left the room without a backwards glance.
Outside, Grissom stood up when he saw her step out into the corridor. “Everything okay?”
“Fine,” she nodded, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke.
“He already has a mother,” Brass told her sympathetically, his words harsher than he had meant them to sound. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”
“Doesn’t matter,” she sighed tiredly, holding her hand up to silence him. “The kid’s traumatized enough without me screwing things up for him.” Turning around she started to walk towards the exit.
“Where are you going?” Grissom asked quickly as he exchanged worried glances with Brass.
“Home,” she told him without looking back.
Turning to follow her, Grissom caught up with her as she made her way towards the exit. “Sara, you don’t have your car here.”
“I’ll walk.”
“Sara…”
“Grissom,” she snapped suddenly, stopping so abruptly that he almost crashed into her. Turning to him, she rendered him motionless with a steely glare that bordered on both anger and hurt. “I don’t need to be reminded that motherhood is something that I’ll never have, okay.”
“You don’t know that Sara,” he told her, his own voice wavering as he spoke.
“Don’t I?” she challenged fiercely, her anger bursting into aching heartache, softening her voice. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Sara, I’ll drop you off at your place…”
“You don’t even know where I live Grissom,” she told him sadly, turning to leave again. “I’ll walk, it’s not that far.”
Brass came to stand next to Grissom, his eyes etched with sorrow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out the way it sounded.” His voice was hushed as he spoke. “You can’t let her walk.”
“Jim, I’ve known Sara for a long time and even I know that once she’s made up her mind it’s pointless trying to change it for her.”
Stepping outside into the coldness again, Sara shivered slightly as she lifted her face up into the light rain that sprayed down from the graying clouds. She’d had a glimpse of what could have been and as much as she tried to deny it, she knew that the feel of a baby in her arms had felt so wonderful. It was something that just wasn’t meant to be. Who was she kidding anyway? She wasn’t mother material, she knew that all too well.
Pulling her jacket tighter around her body, she took a deep breath and stepped out to begin her long trek towards home. Everything would be back to normal soon enough and these new found maternal feelings would soon disappear into the far reaches of her heart where they belonged. She was Sara Sidle, dependable, good at her job, always ready to cover for anyone who needed time off. And lonely. ‘Yeah’, she sighed to herself, ‘that’s all I am.’
Grissom stepped out into the cooling morning air, catching sprays of the rain that bathed his burning skin.
“Dammit,” he muttered, tilting his head to try and find the direction which Sara had taken. He needed to speak to her now, more than ever. He just hoped she would listen.
“What?” Brass asked worriedly, coming out to stand beside him.
“She’s right.”
“She? Who?” he asked, confusion quickly melting to one of clarity, “Sara?”
“Yes,” Grissom sighed, “I don’t know where she lives and I should know.” Taking a breath, he looked up into the graying sky. “God Jim, how did I let things get this far?”
Brass regarded his friend sadly, and reached over to pat Grissom’s arm reassuringly. “Look Gil, I can’t help you on this one,” he sighed. “You two need to get a few things straight between you, and for you to do that my friend, you will have to talk to her.”
“Yeah,” Grissom sighed, closing his eyes briefly before turning towards his friend. “I’m going to find her.”
“What? Now?”
“I have to Jim,” Grissom nodded, his silent acknowledgement filtering through his voice. “I can’t let things go on the way they have been.”
“Hang on, I’ll bring the car around and we’ll find her,” Brass started, motioning with a swing of his hand in the general direction of the car park.
Grissom nodded silently as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Sara’s number before placing the phone to his ear. After three rings he heard her muffled voice at the other end of the phone.
“Hi it’s Grissom. Where are you?”
“I said I was fine Grissom!”
“That’s not what I asked.” Grissom almost smiled despite her coolness, hoping she couldn’t hear the desperation in his voice.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to know where I am? I told you I was going home.”
Hearing a clink of glasses in the background, he sighed heavily before continuing. “Sara…please?”
He heard her take a deep breath on the other end of the line before letting it out into a slow sigh. “I stopped off in the diner across the road from the hospital.”
“I’m on my way,” he told her firmly, pulling the phone away from his ear before she could voice her annoyance. Looking up, his eyes searched the dwellings on the opposite side of the road, pin pointing the diner that Sara had mentioned.
Making his way across the car park, he waved Brass to stop his car in front of him. Pulling open the door, he glanced inside at his friend’s worried face. “She’s in the diner.”
“I’ll come with you, I could use a coffee,” Brass grinned, shaking his head when he saw the look of horror on Grissom’s face. “I’ll sit on a different table, don’t worry.”
“You’re not funny Jim,” Grissom groaned.
Sara looked down into her coffee, mesmerized by the swirling patterns the spoon had formed in the dark liquid. Her whole life had seemed to fall apart before her eyes, and she was powerless to stop it. She’d always taken it for granted that one day she would have kids and live the life of happy ever after that most girls always dreamed of. She had been no different, that is until she became immersed in her work and the thoughts of a family filtered away.
Closing her eyes against the burning emotions that enveloped her, she let the silence surround her body, relishing the solace until the seat opposite her creaked slightly as someone sat down. Opening her eyes slowly, she found herself caught in a pair of deep blue eyes that had always captivated her soul. Eyes that had at times, given her so much hope only to strip it away just as quickly.
“Hey,” Grissom said softly as he tried to gage her mood by her body language.
“Hey,” she whispered, dropping her eyes back down towards the swirling mist that offered her the only escape route that she so desperately fought for right now.
“Sara,” he started, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke. “I just wanted you to know how much I…”
Sara lifted her eyes to his, waiting for some kind of revelation, some kind of admission. It would never happen, she knew that all too well. “I’ll get over it,” she told him, her voice interwoven with all the emotions that coursed through her heart. “It was nice to be…needed, I guess.”
“You’re needed Sara,” he told her quietly, remembering his words of so long ago when he almost lost her. “That baby couldn’t have asked for a better person to take care of him.”
“Poor kid got me,” she huffed, lifting her other hand to link her fingers around the coffee cup. “I wouldn’t even pick me. Guess his mother left him there thinking some maternal woman would find him, what a bummer huh?”
“Sara stop doing this to yourself.”
“Doing what?” she asked, meeting his gaze with eyes sparkling with tears. “You were right okay? You’re always right. I got attached. I let my emotions rule my heart. You were right and I was wrong. Happy now?”
“No Sara, I’m not,” he told her, his soft admission surprising both of them.
“Sorry,” she muttered sadly, averting her eyes away from his again.
“Sorry for what?” he asked, his hand reaching out to brush against her fingers as he spoke. “Sara?”
His touch sent a jolt of electricity through her body, surging through her heart as if she had been administered a high voltage charge. She found her gaze locked on their hands, their fingers so close they could almost be touching. “For everything I’ve ever done to make you so mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you,” he told her, his voice barely a whisper as he edged a little closer to touch her hand again. “Sara, look at me.”
Shaking her head slowly, she closed her eyes. “Can’t you just accept my apology and have done with it?”
“Only if you can accept mine,” he told her hoarsely as her eyes slowly lifted to meet his.
Sara regarded Grissom carefully, silently trying to decipher the compassion in his eyes before she could trust her own voice. What kind of game was he playing here now? Had he changed the rules once again, just to throw her off course and bring her down once more? He had shown himself more than willing to take Catherine’s side on many occasions of late, and that in itself spoke volumes to her battered heart.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he asked softly, urging her to break the silence that had built up around them.
Sara lowered her eyes from his piercing gaze, unable to release the words that desperately tried to tumble from her mouth. How could she tell him her fears when he could use them against her? “You’re my boss,” she whispered finally. “You don’t have to apologize to me.”
Reaching closer, Grissom encased her fingers with his own, pulling her into his warmth. “Sara. I need…” taking a breath, he closed his eyes briefly before opening them again. “I don’t know where to start.”
Behind them, a telephone’s shrill ringing broke the silence and Sara lifted her eyes to see Brass at a nearby table. Pulling her hands from Grissom’s, she pushed her chair backwards. The accusations in her eyes almost caused Grissom to sink to his knees on the floor beside her feet. He couldn’t remember a time when he had ever seen Sara’s eyes so empty. “Sara,” he whispered hoarsely. “It’s not what you think.”
“I don’t think anything Grissom,” she told him coldly, pushing herself up to her feet. “I’m going back to the hospital. I’ll see you at work tonight.”
As she pushed past him, all Grissom could do was watch in bewilderment, wondering once again how he was going to make things right between them.
“Sorry Gil,” Brass mumbled when he came to sit down in Sara’s vacated chair. “The mother’s turned up. She’s a 19 year old student who decided she couldn’t cope.”
Grissom lifted a hand and rubbed it over his face tiredly. “Where is she now?”
“She’s waiting for us back at the station. It seems she thinks she can abandon her child and just pick up where she left off.”
“I guess we shouldn’t keep her waiting then,” Grissom muttered tiredly as he moved to stand.
“Maybe you should go and wait with Sara at the hospital,” Brass suggested. “I have a feeling things are gonna get ugly when I turn up with the mother.”
“Jim, Sara may be some things but she’s not stupid,” Grissom growled angrily as he leapt to her defense. “She knows what has to be done here, and she won’t let her personal feelings stop her from doing what is right.”
Back at the hospital, Sara walked slowly along the corridor. She knew she shouldn’t be here, she knew that her brief moment with motherhood had turned her whole world upside down, carving a deepening wound into her aching emptiness, but it was over now. Everything was over now.
Sinking down into one of the plastic chairs that lined the corridor, she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She couldn’t understand why this baby had affected her so deeply, it’s not as if she’d ever been that maternal to start with anyway. Taking a deep breath, she sat forward in her chair, cursing herself for being so stupid over feeling that she shouldn’t even be feeling. Everything was so confusing.
“Sara?”
Looking up, Sara found herself looking into the eyes of the nurse who had taken charge of the little boy. “He’s settled down now,” she smiled as she came to sit down beside her. “Would you like to see him?”
Sitting back in her seat, Sara bit down on her bottom lip. “I…I don’t think that’d be such a good idea.”
“He’s asleep,” Tina offered hopefully, “he won’t even know you’re there.”
Sara could feel her heart beating wildly inside her chest at the prospect of opening herself up for more anguish, but at the same time she wanted to look in on him one final time. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she nodded silently.
“Follow me,” Tina smiled warmly, standing up to walk back down the corridor, taking Sara with her. When they came closer to the open door, she ushered Sara inside, whispering quietly that she would be back in a few minutes.
Sara stepped slowly into the room, careful not to awaken the sleeping child who slept soundly on his side in a clear plastic cot. Coming to stand beside him, she looked down into his tiny face and felt another wave of emotion pass through her. “Hey,” she whispered softly. Her eyes clouding with tears as she reached into the cot to stroke a strand of his hair.
Grissom made his way into the hospital, heading down the corridor. Catching a glimpse of the nurse who had taken care of the child previously, he caught her attention. “Can you help me? I’m looking for a friend of mine, she brought a baby in a while ago.”
“Oh you mean Sara,” she smiled. “Yes she’s in with Toby now.”
“Toby?” he asked curiously.
“Well, we couldn’t keep calling him baby,” she grinned, “and Toby seemed to fit.”
“Well detective Brass has located his mother. They should be here in an hour or so.”
“Oh,” she sighed, plastering a fake smile on her lips. “Then he’ll be home with his mother again for Christmas. Let’s hope she’s capable of caring for him.”
“It’s not our job to judge,” he warned, feeling a little uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was heading.
“Of course we’re not,” Tina nodded, turning away from him as she spoke. “Sara’s down this corridor, third door on the left.”
“Thank you,” he answered, already walking away from her. He slowed down when he came closer to the open doorway. Hearing Sara’s soft voice, he leant on the doorframe, watching in total amazement as she stroked the baby’s head.
“You’re gonna be okay,” she whispered warmly, her fingers smoothing the silken strands between her fingers. “You wouldn’t have liked it with me anyway. I have these control issues, and that’s not a good thing to grow up with.” Lifting a finger, she wiped the beginnings of a tear away from her eyes. “I bet you’re gonna be a real heartbreaker when you’re older, and all the girls will be dropping at your feet. You certainly got this one hooked on you.” Smiling down into his sleeping face, she lifted her hand away and leant slowly down over the cot to kiss his head gently. “Goodbye baby,” she whispered before stepping away from him.
Grissom’s heart was aching with worry as she backed away from the cot, her gaze still fixed on the child’s sleeping face. When she finally turned around to leave the room, she stopped in her tracks and gasped in a breath. “How long have you been here?” she asked worriedly, her voice still hushed.
“Long enough,” he told her sadly. “How is he?”
Looking back over her shoulder, she swallowed down the lump in her throat and nodded, “He’s gonna be okay.”
“How about you?”
Turning to face him, Sara took in a shaky breath before trusting her voice. “I’m fine.”
“Sara we have to talk,” he whispered, reaching out to touch her arm as he slowly guided her out of the room. She followed numbly, her heart screaming out its protest, knowing that uncertain doom would soon befall her. Stopping just outside the doorway, she folded her arms close to her chest and waited for him to begin his new wave of torment, her eyes fixing him with their unwavering gaze.
“Sara,” he began, his breath catching in his chest as he forced the words from his lips. “The child’s mother is on her way here.”
Grissom waited for the inevitable explosion that was Sara Sidle, but none came. Her focus on him unwavering as if she was trying to read his eyes for some sort of hidden truth. “Sara, did you hear what I said?”
Swallowing against the growing anger inside her, Sara turned away from him and walked back into the baby’s room, standing guard over the sleeping child like some kind of guardian angel. She stood a little away from the cot, her arms folded and remaining perfectly still. Stepping into the room to stand beside her, Grissom knew this stance all too well. She was angry, and a pissed off Sara Sidle was like having a ticking time bomb ready to explode and just as deadly. He had to defuse the situation before the mother arrived, and he had to do it soon.
Chapter eight
He could feel the heat from her body as he leaned in a little closer to her. Her stature alone caused worry to spike through his body like a thousand double-edged blades, puncturing through into his heart, which ached to comfort her.
“Sara,” he whispered, his hands twitching by his side as he spoke. “He belongs with his mother.”
Sara closed her eyes with his words, groaning out a whimpered sigh before she opened them again. “Don’t you think I know that?” she seethed, her voice lowered in a hushed whisper. “But ask yourself this: How long will it be before she dumps him again when she feel it’s once again the right thing to do?” Turning to him, she met his worried eyes with hers, unable to hide her blazing anger. “I’m not mother material, I know that, hell everyone knows that, but I would never back away from my responsibilities.”
“Sara you underestimate yourself,” he whispered, his eyes drawn to hers as he tried to defuse her anger. “I saw you with him,” he told her, nodding his head towards the sleeping infant who moved slightly in his sleep. “You have more maternal inclinations than you would like to admit, but from what I witnessed, I’d say you would make a wonderful mother.”
“Oh stop,” she told him, turning her face away from him. “I could never have a kid when my whole life is in a shambles.” Letting out an empty chuckle, she shook her head, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. “My life’s a mess.”
Grissom watched her worriedly, a huge weight of guilt washing over him. When she began to move and step away from him, he panicked slightly, desperate to hold onto the Sara he once knew and reel her back to him again. But, she avoided his eyes, unable to allow him to see her vulnerability. Walking past him, she made her way towards the door and hovered in the doorway to take one last look back at the tiny child who had turned her world upside down. Lifting her eyes, she met Grissom’s gaze, holding it for an eternal moment before turning away from him as she tried to escape the intensity of his eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Grissom closed his eyes briefly before regaining his composure. He had many regrets, the list growing on a daily basis, but he was determined that Sara would not be one of them. It was time he listened to his heart, and it was time he left the past behind. Opening his eyes, he made his way towards the door, determination soaring through his body.
Her sorrow filled eyes met his own when he stepped out into the corridor. She was leaning on the wall just outside the baby’s room, arms folded and desperately trying to control her treacherous emotions. “It’s just not fair,” she whispered, her voice shaking with sadness. “There are thousands of women in the world who can’t have kids, and there are people like this,” raising her hands in the air, she swiped at the empty space around her. “Women who hurt their children, women who brutalize and maim, women who abandon their children hoping that society will provide.” Taking a breath, she turned to him, her eyes filling with pooling tears. “What about the children Grissom? What happens to them?”
“Sara,” he sighed, coming to lean on the wall beside her. “It’s our job to process the evidence and find the perpetrators who drive families to despair. That little boy in there has a mother, and whatever reason she may have had for abandoning him, she came back after only a few hours. That at least says something.” When she didn’t respond, he reached out a hand to squeeze her shoulder. “You have to learn to let go of this or you’ll lose yourself entirely.”
He heard a soft whimper escape her throat as she turned her head away, avoiding his eyes so he wouldn’t see the lone tear trickle down her cheek. “I’m already lost,” she whispered as she swiped the tear away with the palm of her hand.
“Sara,” he started, his voice trailing into a sigh as he moved a little closer. Snaking his arm around her shoulder, he intended to pull her closer to him but when she stiffened when she felt his touch, he slowly started to withdraw his hand, until she hissed out an angry breath.
“Is that her?” she asked, her voice dripping with venom, causing Grissom to realize that she wasn’t refusing his touch. Leaning back off the wall, he looked down the corridor to see Brass approaching with a young woman and quickly hooked his arm into the crook of Sara’s elbow.
“So, are they just gonna hand him back to her as if nothing ever happened?”
“Sara,” he urged, reaching around to her other arm so he could turn her to face him. “Not here. There’s no place for this here.”
“He could have died Grissom,” she told him, anger spiking her voice icily. “If we hadn’t found him. What then Grissom? Would you feel differently if he was in the morgue and we’d be looking for a murderer?” Folding her arms across her chest, she moved away from him to turn around and face the approaching woman.
Closing the short distance between them, Grissom once again reached out to touch her arm, drawing her attention back to him. His eyes pleading with her to calm down and lower her battling defenses. He knew she had the capacity for forgiveness and understanding, he’d seen it. So when he saw her deep brown eyes glazing over with unshed tears, he knew she was fighting for control.
“The hospital won’t just relinquish him over to her,” he told her, his voice lowering into a soft whisper. “I promise you Sara, she’ll have to have psyche exams and interviews with a social worker before she will be allowed to have him back with her. Even then, it’ll be first on a trial basis.”
Grissom remained close to her side, providing her body with the warmth of his touch. He felt her shoulders relax slightly, her fighting defenses deflating in surrender. Holding his breath, he stayed close by her side when Brass and the child’s mother came to a stop before them.
Sara’s eyes flared with disgust when she looked into the eyes of the woman who stood beside Brass. Standing slightly away from Grissom, she folded her arms and glared at her. “This her?” she asked coldly nodding her head towards the young female, her voice dripping with anger.
“This is Susan Miller,” Brass explained, hoping that Grissom had managed to calm down Sara’s sometimes-explosive temper.
“Where’s Jamie?” Susan asked quickly, her red eyes brimming with tears. Turning to Sara, she clung to the desperate hope that she would understand. “I need to see him.”
“Oh, so now you need him?” Sara asked her sarcastically, her voice shaking as she spoke. “You abandon him and now you want him back?”
“No Grissom,” she snapped, pulling from his grasp as she turned back towards the woman before her. “Do you even realize what could have happened if we hadn’t found him? Do you?” Sara’s voice rose as she spoke, “He was cold. You left him when it was freezing outside, how could you have been so stupid?!”
“I know,” Susan sniffed, shaking her head with desperation as she tried to explain, “I regretted it as soon as I had done it, but I needed help, I couldn’t cope any more…I…”
“I know thousands of women who are desperate to have kids and they can’t. By some sick twist of fate they can’t conceive, and then there’s people like you, who dump their responsibilities when things get a little rough…”
“I was raped,” Susan blurted, her tears spilling out onto her cheeks as her face contorted in pain. “I was determined to do right by my child, but it’s so hard to look into my son’s eyes sometimes and not see his father.”
Sara’s voice died on her lips, the burning anger suddenly melting away into a simmering flame. Taking a breath, she turned away from her, finding it increasingly difficult to hide her emotions, especially now. “Whatever the circumstances,” she whispered, her voice so quiet it was almost inaudible. “You have responsibilities to your child.”
Brass exchanged concerned glances with Grissom, which slowly died away when Susan turned to follow Sara into the child’s room. Shaking his head, Grissom held up his hand indicating to Brass that he should trust Sara with the situation. He knew she sometimes allowed her emotions to rule her work, but when it mattered, she always did the right thing.
Nodding slightly, Brass joined him to lean against the wall just outside the small room. The conversation inside was hushed, but they could hear every precious word. Hearing Sara’s voice, hearing her pain, Grissom had never felt the need to protect her as much as he did at this moment. He had seen a new side to her over these past few hours, something he could no longer deny. Taking a breath, he vowed to himself that he would make things right.
Inside the room, Sara stood beside the baby’s cot. She watched Susan carefully, her eyes watching over the situation and the child who had stolen her heart. “Did you report it?” she asked quietly, her voice breaking through to the other woman who watched her son sleep so peacefully.
“I tried,” Susan whispered as she reached down into the cot to stroke the golden head of hair beneath her fingers. “I’d rehearsed what I’d say to my parents. I had it so it was word perfect in my mind, but when I came to tell them the truth, I couldn’t.”
“They obviously noticed you were pregnant,” Sara guessed, her voice losing its hostility to be replaced with gentle sadness when Susan huffed a bitter smile. “Don’t tell me,” Sara whispered, “they didn’t take it well?”
“My mother called me a cheap whore and refused to listen to my explanations. All she was concerned about was that I’d brought shame on the family, and that if I was old enough to get myself pregnant, I would be old enough to raise a child on my own as well.” Lifting her tear stained face so she could see Sara’s eyes, she sighed sadly. “My dad tried to deny it, he thought that if he ignored it, it would go away. Like he does with everything else.”
“But it didn’t,” Sara nodded knowingly. “So what now? Now you’ve had him, surely they fell in love with him instantly?”
“I wish they did,” Susan sighed, sniffing back tears as she spoke. “My mother refused to see him and my dad, well, actually he decided that if he ignored me long enough it would all go away.”
“I’m sorry,” Sara whispered, her voice lowering as she recognized the situation that unfortunately had presented itself on numerous different occasions with different women. “Look, you don’t have to do this on your own. There are people to help you.”
“I tried to get some help but no one would listen to me. No one cares about me or Jamie,” shaking her head, Susan wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“I care,” Sara whispered, reaching out to touch Susan’s arm in reassurance. “I can arrange for you to receive the help you need but you have to be willing to accept it.” Dropping her eyes down onto the little boy in the cot, Sara reached out to stroke his hair. “He’s beautiful,” she smiled, her eyes glazing over with shining adoration. “I’ve only known him for a few hours but he’s made me realize that not everything out there in the world is bad.”
“I need help,” Susan told her tearfully, “I thought I could offer him a better life with someone else who had the money to provide him with the things I can’t. I’m not a bad mother, I love him so much. I wouldn’t…”
“It’s okay,” Sara told her softly, her own eyes pooling with unshed tears. “In a way you’ve helped yourself,” she told her. “You do know that you won’t be allowed to take him back, don’t you?” dropping her voice, she continued, “You’ll have to go for counseling and then you’ll be granted access for a few hours each day until you can prove to everyone that you are responsible enough to care for him.”
“I know,” Susan nodded, her tears making wet tracks down her face as she spoke. “The detective told me what to expect when he brought me here. I know I don’t deserve a second chance.”
Sara’s eyes drifted from the cot up towards the empty doorway, her heart aching for the man who hovered in the corridor. “Everyone deserves a second chance,” she whispered, before returning her eyes to the sleeping child.
Tina, the nurse from earlier came into the room to come and stand beside Sara to peer down into cot. “How’s our little angel?” she asked with a smile.
“Tina,” Sara sighed, “this is Jamie’s mother.”
“I know,” Tina nodded, glancing quickly towards the other woman before looking back down into the cot again.
“I know you must think I’m awful,” Susan started only to have her voice die away when Tina met her eyes again.
“I don’t think anything,” she smiled kindly as she reached down into the cot to carefully lift the waking baby out into her arms. Turning to Sara, she raised the baby towards her, offering her one last embrace, but Sara shook her head.
“He needs his mother,” she whispered shakily, backing away towards the door. She watched as Tina placed the baby into his mother’s arms and waited until she saw the beautiful smile appear on his tiny face before she knew it was time to let him truly go. Swallowing the burning lump inside her throat, she stepped out into the corridor where reality waited to return her to her senses.
Feeling a warm hand on her shoulder, she turned to find herself face to face with Gil Grissom. Nodding her head, she pushed the aching emptiness away and forced a fake smile to her lips, whispering a lie that shone in her eyes. “I’m fine.”
Grissom regarded her carefully as she tried to compose her already ragged emotions. He watched her with seemingly new eyes, his feelings for her intensifying with this new chain of events.
“I’ll take you home,” he told her softly, slipping a comforting arm loosely around her shoulders.
“You don’t have to do that,” she sighed, lifting her eyes to his briefly before dropping them again. “Anyway, you don’t have your car here.”
“Oh,” Grissom mumbled, his temporary memory loss rearing inside his mind, cursing the moment. “Okay, we’ll improvise. I’ll call us a cab.”
“No, look,” she sighed, fighting to keep her treacherous emotions from succeeding in releasing the tears in her eyes. “I’m fine, I can walk. Really, it’s okay.”
“Then I’ll walk with you,” he told her, a small smile creeping to his lips as he dropped his hand to the small of her back.
Sara gulped down the burning lump in her throat when he gently pushed her forward, urging her to trust him. “I’ll just let Brass know we’re leaving.”
Nodding slowly, she focused on the floor beneath her feet, counting the tiny speckled patterns in the gray tiles. Christmas day was literally only a few hours away and soon the streets would be filled with party revelers and kids with their parents, showing off their new bikes and toys. Sighing heavily, Sara closed her eyes briefly against the childhood memories that had seemed to disintegrate over the years. Maybe she should call her family when she got home, just to say hello.
“Hey,” Grissom smiled when he returned to her side, his warmth seeping into her tired body. “You ready?”
“Yeah,” she nodded, offering him a tentative smile before beginning the walk beside him. She struggled to find something to say to him, anything to let him know that just his being here meant the world to her, but she remained silent.
Stepping out into the cool morning breeze, Sara looked up into the cloudy sky. The rain from earlier had all but gone to leave a sheen of sparkling pools over the sidewalk. The sun was peeking slightly out from behind the clouds, casting filtering rays of light to warm the air around them slightly.
Shoving her hands in her pocket, Sara started down the hospital steps, feeling Grissom’s presence beside her. Chancing a brief glance in his direction, she noticed that he mimicked her movements, his own hands in his pockets and deep in thought. This man had caused her more pain than anyone she had ever known, yet she still couldn’t deny the flutter of her heart, or the magnetic pull of his presence whenever he was near her. She had to accept the fact that he would always hold her heart, and nothing, or no one could replace him.
Looking up, Grissom caught her eyes on him and was suddenly struck by how much he needed her with him. She had shown him a side of herself that he had never seen before, and her ability to lose herself in the depth of emotion she had been displaying over these last few hours only strengthened the already growing feelings inside him. “You okay?” he asked quietly when she quickly averted her eyes.
“I…” she started, losing her voice just as quickly. Taking a breath, she stopped walking, her movements bringing his own to a halt. “Why are you doing this?” she asked softly, finding the courage to search the blue depths of his eyes.
Grissom was suddenly struck dumb, unable to find the words to explain how much he wanted to be with her right now. Lifting a hand from his pocket, he reached out to push an errant strand of hair from her eyes. He felt her stiffen with his touch, her shock quickly melting into heartfelt fear and then into sorrow. She had shown him a myriad of emotions, displaying them openly, only to hide behind her defensive walls again. “Sara,” he started, his voice aching with regret as he spoke. “I want to apologize for my behavior towards you. I need you to understand.”
“I do understand,” she whispered, averting her eyes from his piercing gaze. “I made a mistake, a huge mistake...I thought…” Shaking her head, she forced an empty smile to her lips, keeping up the pretense that everything was fine. “You don’t have to do this. I can walk by myself, really, it’s okay.”
“Sara,” he urged, stepping closer to her as he spoke. “I want to walk with you.”
“Great,” she sighed, turning away from him, resuming her steady pace with him at her side. They strode on in silence, the tension between them mounting with every step that took them closer to Sara’s apartment block. She could feel him beside her, his mere presence showering her body with need, but she pushed it away. Why wouldn’t her heart listen to her mind?
Grissom was waging a war inside himself. His heart wanted to tell her his feelings, but his logical brain persisted in reminding him of all the reasons why he shouldn’t want her. Finally, battling down the resistance, he took a chance and decided to act on impulse. “Okay stop,” he muttered quickly, his hands reaching out to pull her to a standstill beside him. He watched her eyes question him, the sadness in her deep brown pools only providing him with more reasons why he had to do this. He swallowed the fear that ached to claim him as he tentatively placed his hands on either side of her face, relieved that she didn’t shy away from his touch. “What are you going to do when you get home?”
Sara’s shocked gasp caused him to take another step closer to her, so close that his body heat danced around hers enticingly. She had seemed to lose all power of speech, her eyes mesmerized by the depth of feeling that mirrored in his. “I…”
“Would you like to spend Christmas day with me?” He was surprised at how his fear had suddenly melted away and left him stronger. Taking matters into his own hands, he stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I’m tired of fighting this Sara,” he whispered as he tried to keep the tremble from his voice. “Please tell me I’m not too late?”
Chapter eleven
Sara’s heart screamed out in surrender the second his hands framed her face. She wanted so much to say yes to everything. She wanted to believe him when his eyes spoke to her in volumes of trusting adoration, but everything from the past few months came back to her mind in a burst of fire, creating an aching void that threatened to suck her down into darkness.
“I know I hurt you,” he whispered remorsefully as his thumb stroked her burning cheek softly. “I can’t change the past, I wish I could. I would change it Sara.”
Searching his eyes, Sara found herself drowning in his depths. He could erase all the pain, all the hurt with just one word in the past, but as much as she fought with her heart to believe him, she needed more. Slipping her hands up his arms, she came to rest her hands on his, lacing their fingers that framed her face. “I want to believe you,” she whispered shakily, pulling his hands from her face to hold them together, linking them as one.
“Spend the day with me,” he asked again, his voice hoarse. “Let’s work on getting us back to being friends again?” Squeezing her fingers tighter, he pulled her a little closer to him as he spoke. “I miss the friendship we used to have, I’d like to get it back.”
Sara’s eyes welled with tears as his words found their way into her heart. He had always commanded her feelings to escalate around him, his mere presence dominating her soul. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she found herself nodding slowly, searching his eyes with pleading reassurance.
Relief flooded his eyes and he found himself pulling her roughly into his arms, surrounding her body protectively with his own. Her warmth seeped into him, her forgiveness melting away any lingering doubts that lay dormant in the back of his mind. He needed her to heal him just as much as she needed him to heal her. When her arms snaked up his back, returning his embrace, he knew he had been given a second chance.
When they slowly loosened their hold on each other, they pulled back only to linger enticingly close to one another. Grissom could feel the ever-growing depths of emotions keeping him desperately close to her side, and he knew their healing had begun. Reaching out to her arm, he linked his arm through hers, much like he had done so long ago on the Bob Martin case. Only this time, instead of it simply being a gesture for closeness, he could feel his emotions encasing his heart. Chancing a glance in her direction, he offered her a small smile when he saw her eyes upon him.
Wordlessly, Sara removed his arm from hers. Noticing the pang of disappointment in his eyes, she smiled reassuringly as she changed their position to link her arm through his instead. “I have coffee,” she told him quietly. “Will you stay for coffee?”
Relief swamped his body, and he couldn’t help the beaming smile that graced his lips. “Coffee is good,” he nodded. “And yes, I would like to stay.”
Sara rewarded his smile with a bright one of her own and started to walk with him again. “Do you think she’ll be okay?” she asked quietly, their pace deliberately slow as if delaying the inevitable completion of their journey.
Grissom knew who she was referring to and let out a deep sigh. “Time will tell Sara,” he told her. “She’ll get the help she needs to take care of herself, and then the long process will begin for her to prove that she’s capable of caring for her son.”
“I saw her with him,” she whispered sadly, avoiding his eyes as she spoke. “I know I was angry, and in a way I still am, but she does love him. I saw it for myself.”
“Is love enough?” he asked softly, his words prompting her to look up into his eyes.
“What else is there?” she asked hoarsely, unsure whether she wanted to hear his answer.
Smiling down into her eyes, he contemplated his answer as they walked. “There are so many variants of love Sara, too many to single out one emotion.”
“Isn’t a mothers love supposed to be the strongest?” she asked quietly.
“Love is a powerful emotion no matter what the form,” he smiled, “it’s a power all to itself.”
“That doesn’t answer my question,” she pressed, leaning into him slightly as she smiled. “You’re avoiding answering.”
“You’re right,” he grinned, “a mother’s love is the strongest.”
“Liar,” she laughed, grinning up at him wildly until the seriousness of the original question hit her, forcing the smile to drop from her face.
“Hey,” he whispered, nudging her gently. When she looked back up into his eyes, he moved his other hand to press her fingers that were nestled in the crook of his arm. “You gave both mother and child something that speaks of who you are.”
“Yeah I bet,” she sighed.
“Your capacity for forgiveness is something that is so rare Sara. Your devotion to that child is something to be proud of. He had the best possible gift you could have given him.”
“I did?” she asked shakily, his words filling her with a nervous charge.
“You loved him Sara, you gave yourself freely to another human being knowing that you would still be hurt in the process. A lot of people wouldn’t have been prepared to risk getting hurt.”
“Some people are worth the risk,” she told him quietly, gazing knowingly into his eyes as they reached the steps to her apartment building. Without waiting for his reply, she pulled her arm from his and fished her keys out of her pocket. “I hope you like decaff.”
“I do,” he smiled, his heart still reeling from the feelings that she had created in him. Life as he knew it was about to change, and although the prospect was terrifying, he embraced it wholeheartedly. Taking a breath, he followed her up the steps and into her apartment.
Closing her apartment door behind them, Sara ushered him past the kitchen and into the small living room. “I didn’t have any time to clean,” she told him quickly when she saw his eyes scanning the surrounding room. “I don’t usually have company.”
“Sara,” he smiled, turning to her when he saw her watching him curiously. “I didn’t come here to inspect your apartment.”
“I know,” she blushed, “sorry.”
“Will you stop apologizing?” he asked with a smile. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.”
Sara’s eyes gazed into his, his very essence flowing serenely in his eyes. Taking a breath, she tried to regain her composure and force down the butterflies that fluttered nervously inside her. This was so stupid. He was here, in her apartment, and he wanted to be with her. So why was she gripped by nervousness? “I’ll…um…coffee.” Turning away quickly, she took off her jacket and threw it onto one of the stools that stuck out beneath the breakfast bar, and then busied herself with distractions.
Grissom could sense her tension; he felt it too. Unzipping his jacket, he slid it off his shoulders and down his arms before walking towards the stool where Sara had discarded hers. “You know this still leaves us with a problem.”
Hearing his voice behind her, Sara jumped slightly and turned around to face him. “I…it does?”
“Yes,” he grinned, pulling out the other bar stool to sit on. “I still have to go back to the lab to pick up my Denali.”
“Oh,” she nodded, realization dawning on her quickly. “Well, if you’d rather not stay I’ll understand.”
“No,” he blurted, then a little more gently, “No. That’s not what I meant.”
“I…” Sara’s voice trailed away when he reached across the bar to take hold of her hands. His thumb began to gently stroke her fingers, reveling in her softness.
“I meant that I would need to go back to the lab to pick up my Denali, not that I wanted to leave.” Pulling her closer, he held her eyes as well as her hands across the breakfast bar that separated them. “Will you ever trust me again?”
“I have always trusted you,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to their intertwined fingers. “I just don’t know if I can ever…”
“What?” he urged, seeking her answers in the hope that they both could banish the hurt to the past.
Sara’s eyes lifted to his again. The sorrow in her deep brown orbs shocked him to his very core and he found himself wishing he could turn back the hands of time and heal the wounds he had caused. Seeing the worry in his eyes, she squeezed his fingers in reassurance before gulping back the heavy ache in her heart. “Sometimes I can’t remember the last time I felt anything and it scares me.” As she spoke, her eyes welled with unshed tears that threatened to spill over onto her cheeks. “Today when we found the baby it’s as if something opened up inside me and I can’t make it stop. I need to separate him from my life but I can’t get his face out of my head.” Closing her eyes, she took in a shaky breath before opening them again to see his eyes full of concern. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to lay all of this on you.”
“No,” he told her sadly, shaking his head as he spoke. “We need to be honest with each other if we’re ever going to make this work.”
“What?” she asked quickly, “I don’t understand what you want from me anymore.” Pulling her hands from his, she rubbed her palms over her eyes, trying to rid the wetness from her eyes. “I’m confused Grissom.”
“I know,” he sighed, standing up from the stool to walk around the bench to her side. He saw her sigh in surrender as he reached out to reclaim her hands, to pull her towards him. “I’m trying to change Sara, I’m so used to being on my own it might take me some time to adjust to this.”
“This?” she asked softly. “Do we even have a ‘this’?”
Clasping her hands tighter in his, he tugged her gently towards him, guiding her over towards the couch to sit them both down. His gaze settled over her body, his eyes drinking in the sheer sight of her before he trusted his own voice. “I want there to be Sara, I just hope I haven’t destroyed everything that we had before.”
Sara could feel her emotions swirling around inside her as she met his eyes again. He was watching her with a look that could only be described as one of absolute devotion and she suddenly felt the most beautiful woman in the world. Leaning forward, she closed the distance to place a soft kiss on his cheek, her lips lingering just a fraction of a second longer than she should have. She could feel his body trembling under her touch, his nervous ramblings unlocking the love she had always felt for him, allowing it to swamp her with intensity.
“Sara,” he whispered hoarsely when he felt her begin to draw away from him. Her touch created a vortex of emotions that started and ended with her. He had denied the power of longing for her for so long that he had forgotten how it felt to need someone so badly. Sitting back, he traced a finger over her hands, making circling patterns as he adored her with his touch. “Can we try?” he asked softly.
“I’d like that,” she whispered softly, finding herself encased against his chest once more as he wrapped his arms around her.
They stayed together, drawing what they needed from the other as they bathed together in a wave of pure emotion. No words were spoken; none were needed. They took what they needed from each other without having to do a thing. Love already existed between them, keeping them together for so many years, although neither would have readily admitted it before. Time slipped away as they relaxed into slumber, slipping away into eternity.
A few hours later, Sara slowly opened her eyes as she tried to lull herself away from the beautiful dream that had imprinted itself into her mind. For a few moments she wondered why she was asleep on her couch, and why her pillow was incredibly warm. Her mind wandered back over the events of the past few hours, and sudden awareness slowly started to creep over her senses. Moving her hand, she encountered something warm on her hip, and suddenly realized she was using Grissom’s thighs as a pillow.
She froze for a moment, relishing the warmth of his body. She knew by his steady breathing that he was still asleep, and if she wanted to she could move away from his warmth and retreat to the sanctuary of the bathroom, avoiding any uncomfortable moments that might follow. But she didn’t want to move.
Grissom drew in a deep breath, followed by slow stretching movements and Sara froze. She felt his hand dance along her side as it snaked behind to her spine, continuing to stroke her back. Taking every ounce of courage she could muster, Sara slowly pushed herself off of him to sit up on the couch. Her body complained with the loss as she slowly turned to face him.
“Hi,” he murmured gravelly, his voice heavy with sleep.
Sara stared open mouthed at the beauty of the man beside her. His hair was ruffled and his shirt showing obvious signs of being slept in, but that didn’t seem to bother him. “We fell asleep,” she whispered, stating the obvious as a rosy blush crept up over her cheeks.
“Yeah,” he smiled, pushing himself up to sit beside her. His back creaked in complaint at such an awkward sleeping position, but as he turned to look into her eyes, everything seemed to fade away into the background. “What time is it?”
His question seemed to bring her to her senses and she leant forward to read the green digits on her VCR. “It’s 7.35,” she gasped, “we slept for over seven hours.”
“We did?” he asked in surprise, turning to look at her again as she sat back against the couch. The dip in the cushions gravitated her body closer to his, and he suddenly found himself resting against her shoulder. Her warmth flooded his body with reassurance, creating a cocoon of emotion around them. All nerves had all but gone, leaving him aching to touch her. Slowly, he moved his arm up and around her shoulders, pulling her back into contact with his body, holding her once again.
Sara slipped her hand up his chest, holding him close to her as the final barrier keeping them apart finally started to crack and crumble away. Lifting her head, she smiled up into his eyes, hoping he could see the pure emotions that swam in her brown depths. She needed to convey to him just how much his being here meant to her. This, knowing he was here because he wanted to be with her, was everything.
Lifting up slightly, she reached up to place a soft kiss on his cheek, then another closer to his lips, but not quite touching. Her heart thumped wildly in her chest as she watched him incline his head down towards her. The magnetic charge raced through her body, lifting her into higher realms and he hadn’t even kissed her yet.
“Sara,” he whispered, his breath tickling her face as he came dangerously closer to her lips. “I want to kiss you.”
Swallowing hard, she nodded numbly, her voice failing to respond to his request. The second his lips touched hers, everything faded away, all the hurt, all the pain, everything that had happened over the last year was erased by a single touch of his lips. Increasing the tender pressure, he ran his tongue across her bottom lip, silently begging for entry into her silken depths. When she readily accepted him into her warmth, something inside him opened to leave a fountain of emotions to cascade out of his heart. He loved her, only now could he readily feel it as it washed over him.
Sara was losing herself in his kiss, taking everything he had to offer her. Delving her tongue into his mouth, she kissed him with a passion she had never thought she possessed before. Sliding her hands up his chest and then his shoulders, finally coming to rest behind his neck. Threading her fingers into his hair, she pulled him closer to her, allowing him to feel the love she desperately wanted to share with him.
After a few moments the need to breathe pulled them slowly apart. Their eyes locked, conveying everything they needed to say without the need for words. Reaching out a hand to her face, Grissom cradled her cheek in his hand before leaning forward to kiss her lips gently. “I have to go soon,” he whispered reluctantly, her eyes pulling him back to her again as he spoke.
“I know,” she whispered, nodding quietly as she focused on his lips. “You should, I mean…work…soon.”
“Yeah…” Their lips met again, this time without the gentleness of their first kiss. They molded together, kissing like long time lovers, seeking out the inner feelings that had bound them together for so long. His arms wound around her shoulders, pulling her closer to his body, desperate to feel her heart beating against his own. He only felt alive when he was around her, and now, after today, he knew he had only been going through the motions. To have her in his arms, to feel her love surrounding him had brought his heart alive.
Somewhere in the background he could hear his cell phone, its shrill ringing tone penetrating the passionate haze that surrounded them. Pulling away from her lips, he sat back quickly, his breathing heavy.
“What?” she murmured, her eyes half open as she tried to bring herself back from the edge of heaven that was pulling her close to completion.
Grissom stood up from the couch and reached down to pull her up by her hands. His eyes lingered over hers as he reached for his jacket to retrieve his phone. Sara smiled softly, all embarrassment long forgotten as she ran a hand over his arm before retreating to the kitchen to switch on the kettle.
“Yeah,” Grissom barked into his phone, his eyes watching Sara’s every movement.
“Okay, I’ll pick up Sara and meet you at the lab.” Sighing heavily, he rubbed his temple as he thought of a quick answer to Brass’s question. “Oh right, yeah my Denali’s at the lab. Okay, I’ll call a taxi and pick up Sara along the way.” Snapping the phone closed, he shoved it back in his pocket, effectively ending the information which Brass was probing for.
“What’s wrong?” Sara asked softly as she came out of the kitchen to approach him.
“We’ve got a decomp,” he sighed, reaching out to claim her again as he pulled her into his arms.
“So what’s the problem?” she whispered against his chest.
“We walked here.”
“Oh,” she giggled, “I forgot about that.”
“We’ll take a taxi to my house and then go onto the lab from there okay?” he suggested.
Sara looked down at herself, her crumpled clothes showing obvious signs of disarray. “I can be out of the shower in five minutes tops,” she told him, breaking away from his arms to move towards the bathroom.
“I’ll call us a taxi,” he grinned, watching her until she had disappeared into the bathroom to close the door behind her. Sighing happily, Grissom pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and punched in a taxicabs number.
Arriving back at the lab, they walked in through the front doors, their shoulders bumping together as they walked. They started to walk past the desk when Judy stopped them. “Sara you have a visitor,” she told her, pointing over to the row of seats that lined the wall.
Turning, Sara couldn’t hide the obvious gasp that escaped her lips. “Susan.”
Grissom turned to see whom she was referring to and stopped in his tracks. Reaching a hand up to Sara’s shoulder, he squeezed it gently before offering her a small smile. “I’ll be in my office.”
“Okay,” she nodded, her voice barely a whisper as she watched him walk away from her. Susan stood up from her chair and waited for Sara to approach her before allowing a bright smile to adorn her face. “Hi.”
“Susan, is everything okay?” Sara asked quickly, reaching out to grasp her arm. “The baby? What’s wrong?”
“Jamie’s fine,” Susan told her, clasping Sara’s hand on her arm. “I wanted to come by and thank you for what you did for both of us.” Taking a breath, she steadied her breathing before she trusted her own voice. “I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t found him…”
“I did find him,” Sara said softly, “everything turned out fine and he has you back. Isn’t that how it should be?”
“The nurse told me what you had done for my Jamie,” Susan said softly as tears welled up in her eyes. “He was crying for you when you left.”
“I doubt that,” Sara smiled, “but thank you for saying it.”
“I want you to know that when we get a place of our own and I can support him, I want you to come and visit us all the time. He’s going to go into foster care for a while until I can prove to everyone that I can do this on my own.” Looking up into Sara’s eyes she smiled sadly. “I asked the hospital if he could stay with you because you loved him for me when I wasn’t there. I want him to grow up knowing he has a second mother if anything ever happens to me.”
“Me?” Sara asked, her eyes stinging with tears. “I don’t know what to say…”
“Just say yes. Tell me that you’ll be his godmother, guardian, whatever it is they call it now. I want you to be in his life Sara. I want him to know you.” Susan’s eyes filled with tears as she saw the emotion welling in Sara’s. Holding her hand tighter, she waited for an answer, silently pleading that she would agree.
Sara was fining it difficult to breathe. Her life had been turned upside down and her feelings scattered for all to see, and she was happy. Very, very happy. “Yes,” she blurted, her voice catching on a sob as she found herself in the other woman’s embrace.
“Thank you,” Susan whispered, pulling away to delve into her bag. “I took these at the hospital. I wanted you to have one.” Pulling out a small wallet, she opened it to take out a picture and hand it to Sara.”
Reaching out to take it, Sara’s eyes gazed over the tiny face in the photo and felt her eyes well with tears again. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”
“I have to go now,” Susan sniffed, pulling Sara into another hug before stepping away. “It’s my first meeting with the psychologist tonight.”
“What, on Christmas eve?” Sara asked incredulously as the other woman pulled away.
“I want him back,” she beamed. “I’ll do anything and go anywhere they want me to. He’s worth it.”
Sara’s eyes fell to the photo again and smiled, “Yes he is.” Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out one of her cards that had her home and cell number on and handed it over to Susan. “You can reach me any time on these numbers.”
Susan took the card from her and smiled. “I’ll call you as soon as I know when Jamie leaves the hospital. We’re lucky, Detective Brass found a family willing to take both of us in, so we can still be together and I get the help I need.”
“That’s great Susan,” Sara smiled, nodding to the other woman as she started to back away. “Thank you for this,” she told her, lifting the photo in her hand.
“No thank you,” turning to leave, Susan left through the exit, looking back to smile one last time, and then she was gone.
Grissom looked up as his office door opened and Sara stepped in. Her eyes were red rimmed and she was trying so hard to stay in control of her emotions.
“God Sara,” he gasped, standing up to walk around the desk towards her. “What’s wrong?”
Stepping closer, Sara allowed his arms to encase her body, holding her close as she tried to regain some kind of control over voice. When she felt his arms loosen around her, she pulled back to look up into his eyes. “She asked me to be his Guardian,” she whispered, her voice shaking as she spoke. “She wants me to be in his life.”
“Sara…that is…” his voice trailed away when he saw the smile burn her lips, and found himself reaching for her again for another quick hug. Releasing her just as quickly, he looked down at the photo in her hand. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah,” she smiled, meeting his gaze, “I think I am.”
Nodding slowly, he reached out to squeeze her shoulder before leaning forward to place a soft kiss on her lips. “We have a dead body with our name on it.”
“Damn Grissom,” she grinned, “you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”
“Wait till you see my bugs,” he told her, his own laughter brimming in his eyes.
“Ooo... dead bodies and bugs? I can hardly wait,” she grinned, following him out of the door. In a few hours it was Christmas day, and this year marked a beginning to the end of their loneliness………
End