Alone All Along
By Amanda Hawthorn
RATING: PG-13/ maybe R when finished
PAIRING: Grissom/Sara Nick/Sara friendship
CATEGORY: Angst/eventual romance
ARCHIVE: Sara and Grissom and my site http://www.pink-martini.net/amanda/
FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I’m fragile!!
SPOILERS: After In the box
SUMMARY: Sara tries to find a way to heal the wounds that Grissom has created
DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis
Productions. No
infringement intended.
AUTHORS’ NOTES: As always a huge thank you to the Sara and Grissom yahoo list
for their constant support. This story is for Phon, happy birthday hun
J
This story came from Michaela’s wonderful music video My Immortal. There aren’t many music videos that touch something in me that makes me want to write a story to accompany it, but this beautiful piece of art cried out angst, so here it is!!
You can find her video at: http://snoopmickimick.tripod.com/
Ó Amanda Hawthorn July 2025
"My Immortal"
song by Evanesence
my immortal
I’m so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I’d fight away all of your fears
and I’ve held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I’m bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I’d fight away all of your fears
and I’ve held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I’ve been alone all along
The cool Las Vegas breeze blew across the ground, casting swirling dust to encompass the kneeling figure of Sara Sidle.
Her scrutinizing eyes scanned every inch of the ground before her, searching for the tiniest clue that could be the key to solving the double homicide, which she and Nick had been given tonight.
“ Hey Sar,” Nick called out as he took photo’s of the scene “ I’m almost done here, what about you?”
His voice washed over her, pushing some of the personal distance she had placed between herself and the whole team away slightly.
“ Almost,” she sighed tiredly. Every part of her body ached, dragging her heart down along with it as the last year started to wear down on her, casting immeasurable misery into her soul.
Since she had asked Grissom out to dinner, and suffered his rejection, her whole world had seemed to crumble around her, taking every ounce of what made her who she was, replacing her with emptiness which she had started to slowly surrender to.
Grissom had filled her with the tiniest piece of hope almost a month ago when he requested she work with him in the bank vault. Part of her was crying out with joy that he needed her again, but that was short lived soon after when he pushed her further away from him than before. So she had succumbed to the darkness, its aching release filling her heart with the dark void that she had become.
Grissom had gone on a month’s vacation since that day, and though Catherine had tried to reassure her that it was purely him needing some personal time, she couldn’t help but wonder if she had driven him away. Well she was so good at that wasn’t she? Hank was gone, not that she really felt anything for him, but he treated her like a woman, something she hadn’t had for a long time, and now Grissom had run away from her, further than before. Maybe she just wasn’t meant to be loved.
Nick came over to her as she picked up the butt of a cigarette and placed it inside her small bindle. He and the others had started to worry about her lately. She seemed to move away from all of them, withdrawing more and more into herself as every day went by.
“ Let’s get these back to the lab,” he smiled, trying his usual Texan charm that usually brought at least a smile to her face, but not tonight.
“ Ok,” she told him, her emotions hidden behind a blank screen that darkened her eyes into near oblivion. She turned from him, walking over towards their Tahoe, needing to be free of this crime scene and free from the prying questions that would undoubtedly follow as soon as they walked into the quiet confines of the break room.
Nick watched her silently, walking behind her with more than a little nagging fear inside him. There was something seriously wrong with her and he vowed silently to himself that he would help her work out whatever was bothering her.
Sara knew he wanted her to talk to him, she knew him well enough now to know that he cared about her, but maybe that wasn’t enough anymore. She had come to the conclusion that loving someone only meant they hurt you in the end, so what was the point of opening her heart in the first place? There was no point to it, no logical reason why she had to be hurt again, so she leaned on the only one she could ever trust to keep her heart safe, and that was herself.
“ You ok?” Nick asked softly as he came to sit beside her in the Tahoe.
“ Fine,” she told him, nodding curtly as she carefully controlled the emotion inside her heart.
“ I heard Grissom’s coming in tonight,” he pushed, relieved when he saw a tiny flicker of emotion cross her eyes until it died away again just as suddenly “, I know you two are close.”
“ Close?” she asked quietly as she tried to keep the bitterness from her voice “ I don’t know where you got that impression from Nick. Grissom thinks more of his bugs than he’ll ever feel about a human being, I wouldn’t listen to idle gossip, it’ll just get you into trouble,” turning away from him she turned to face the window “ we’d better get back.”
“ Sar,” he said softly as he reached a hand out to touch her arm gently “ I’d like to think that you see me as your friend, I hope you know that you can trust me with anything you tell me.”
Turning slowly, she met his eyes, showing him the flicker of the Sara he knew. Reaching over, she squeezed his fingers on her arm, “ You are my friend Nick, you’re my only friend.”
“ That’s not true,” he protested, sealing her hand beneath both of his “ you have lots of people who love you.”
“ No I don’t,” she said sadly as she slowly pulled her hand from both of his “ I don’t have anyone.”
“ You got me,” he grinned, doing his best to hide the burrowing sorrow that had somehow found its way into his heart “ you’ll always have me Sar.”
Sara felt the tears prick her eyes but refused to succumb to their overwhelming power over her. She knew if she spoke, the shaking in her voice would betray her inner wounds and that was something she wasn’t ready for right now. So, she nodded silently before turning her face away again, she would deal with her sorrow when the time was right, but not now, not here, this was no place for tears.
When they reached the lab, everything seemed to be quiet with people doing their separate assignments, their only indication of saying hello was to nod their heads and walk by.
“ I’m gonna get these to Greg,” Nick told her as she moved passed his lab.
“ Ok,” she nodded, offering a small hint of a smile before disappearing around the corner to trace. She knew he was worried about her, but she couldn’t seem to shake this deep-seated ache that had found its way inside her heart and was slowly driving every ounce of love away.
She had tried over the last few weeks to banish Gil Grissom from her heart by deleting everything in her life that reminded her of him, but no matter how hard she tried, he still managed to control her life, his lingering presence refusing to leave her alone.
Her mind drifted back to the plant he had sent her when she’d tried to leave. It had meant the world to her, the small written card that came with it an added reminder that he did care, and at that time in her life she’d managed to convince herself that he did care about her, maybe enough to keep her close to him, but knowing what she knew now, she knew that most of her feelings were misplaced on someone who didn’t care at all.
She’d tried to throw the card away, trying to rid her haunted heart of his constant presence, but no sooner had she thrown it in the trash, her hands snaked out to catch it, desperate to keep the final reminder of him.
His recent rejection should have been the ultimate detachment for her, the final tie that cut her lose from his power over her, but she couldn’t seem to let him go. She needed time to heal the deep wounds he had created inside her heart, but how could the wounds heal when saw him every day? Her logical brain told her she needed the separation, but that could never be an option because she was in too deep to pull away from him completely.
Her thoughts swirled around her mind as she neared trace, slowing down to a steady crawl when she heard Grissom’s voice coming from inside the small room.
For a moment she froze, how could she face him? Her heart was still recovering from the last wave of pain he’d inflicted on her, how could she take another rejection when she still held the scars from the first?
Taking a deep breath, she urged herself forward to step up towards the door. Neither man noticed her as she walked slowly into the room with the evidence she held in her hand. Her first instinct was to place the items on the table and flee from the room, but stubborn defiance took over her body as she stood her ground until Grissom turned around.
Grissom’s heart caught in his throat the second he laid eyes on her. She was beautiful he reminded himself as he took a step closer towards her.
The recent surgery on his ears had caused him to rethink the priorities in his life. Sara had been one of them, and now that he saw her again after what seemed like a lifetime, he realized how much he had missed her.
“ Sara,” he smiled warmly as he moved closer to her, his hand reaching out to her arm.
For a moment she didn’t know what to do, she was caught in his eyes once again, unable to pull away. With desperation she turned her attention to the evidence in her hand before thrusting it towards the desk, her mind fighting to find something to say that wouldn’t betray her torrid mixture of emotions raging inside her heart.
“ Good to have you back Grissom,” she told him, forcing a smile to her face as she backed away from him “ I’m kinda busy, I’ll catch you later ok.”
Turning her back, she tried to flee from the room, needing to put some distance between her and the man who had cut her so deeply.
“ Sara wait,” he called, stopping her in her tracks before she could get away from him, needing to at least try and rebuild something of the friendship he had managed to destroy with a single word.
Sara turned to face him; her movements deliberately slow, as she looked up into his eyes, instantly losing herself inside his depths, his control over her tightening the hold around her heart.
“ It’s good to see you,” he told her quietly as he fought to find the right words to say to her.
Sara’s heart was aching, the heaviness inside her creating a dark void that threatened to engulf her in a sea of tears. Swallowing hard, she nodded silently, her bottom lip quivering under the intense strain from the deep cutting wounds she fought so hard to heal “ You too,” she managed to mutter before she backed away from him, no longer able to withstand the pity in his eyes.
She needed distance; she needed to be able to retreat into darkness to lick her wounds before he inflicted the next wave upon her. “ Now you’re back,” she told him, the near desperation emanating from her voice as she spoke “ can you take over from me on the case I’m working with Nick? I don’t feel so good.”
“ Why?” he asked suddenly, stepping forward to enclose his fingers gently around her arm, keeping her next to him with his emotional restraints “ what’s wrong?”
“ I don’t know,” she lied “ I just don’t feel up to working tonight.”
“ Well let me drive you home?” he asked her, closing the space between them.
“ No,” she told him, maybe a little more desperately than she intended, “ I can drive myself, but thanks anyway.”
“ If you’re sure,” he nodded worriedly “ do you need anything? Medicine? Pills?”
“ No, I’m good,” she told him sadly. He had caused her more pain than she had ever experienced in her whole lifetime and now he was trying to erase it with a few kind words? Well she wasn’t going to fall for his beautiful lies anymore.
With a final smile, she turned from him and left the lab, only taking a breath as she propelled herself into the cool night air.
For a long moment Sara stood still, her face upturned to the welcoming coolness of the night air. Her heart ached with its heavy burden, unwilling to carry so much pain into yet another day full of regrets and disappointments.
Moving slowly towards her car, she closed her eyes against the tears welling up inside her eyes and brushed them away angrily.
“ I will not cry,” she hissed quietly, “ I will not cry.” But the tears refused to be silenced as one after another they rolled down her cheeks, creating a wet track down her face.
How could it be that her heart could be broken in two by the single word of just one man? Hank had hurt her, betrayed her trust and she hadn’t shed a single tear for him, but Grissom?
Gil Grissom had managed to slowly drive a stake through her heart over the past year, little by little until he had impaled her soul into oblivion, shattering her heart into a thousand tiny pieces.
Oh he had claimed to care about her, telling her such beautiful words creating the belief that her long wait for him to love her would one day be over.
The day of the explosion for her had been the whole turning point, maneuvering her into a whole new direction as she realized that she didn’t want to wait anymore, and foolishly she thought he would change, that maybe the explosion had caused him to rethink their relationship and he would realize that he needed her just as much as she needed him.
Shaking her head sadly, she berated herself for caring so much about someone who had never really cared about her at all, maybe not ever.
The last month without him had been a struggle as she fought to control her raging fears and emotions. The pressure of living a life without him pushed her towards a startling revelation, one which she could no longer escape from, the revelation that she was in way too deep to ever pull back now.
There was no doubt in her mind now, none at all, that what had maybe once started out as a harmful crush on a man she was attracted to had turned into something far deeper, far more powerful, and she fought for her breath every second of every day as the long days without being able to see him crushed her heart, taking more and more of her away with it.
Some days she didn’t know how she would survive the pain, and others she pushed the aching numbness away. She had longed to see him again, his very presence urging her closer into the deep chasm that had swallowed what remained of her heart.
“ Stupid,” she muttered to herself, cursing her weakness, and as she pulled the door open to her Tahoe and climbed inside, it was as if something snapped, the security lever that had kept her from toppling over the edge forced her to focus on this whole situation.
She was running away from someone who had torn her heart out without a care for her or the pain he had caused, and she was the one running away, she was the one fighting to keep control of her emotions.
“ Damn you Gil Grissom,” she cursed angrily, reaching a hand to brush the tears away from her face with one swift swipe. If she could just stay focused she could go right back into the lab and do her job, the job she loved.
She had to show him that she couldn’t be hurt anymore, that she could turn off her emotions just as easily as he could. He may have taken her life away, but she was now more determined than ever not to allow him to take her work from her too.
Taking a deep breath, she looked at her reflection in the cab mirror then climbed out, determination fueling every step she took.
“ What do you mean she left?” Nicky asked worriedly as he paced the floor of Grissom’s office “ Sara never leaves.”
“ Look she said she wasn’t feeling well and asked if I could take over,” Grissom sighed, rubbing a hand wearily over his brow.
“ This isn’t right,” Nick sighed as he flopped down into a chair opposite Grissom’s desk “ she isn’t right.”
Grissom’s head snapped up worry finding it’s way into his heart as he sat up a little straighter “ What do you mean she’s not right?”
“ She’s quiet, she’s withdrawn,” sitting forward so his elbows rested on his knees, he ran a hand through his hair “ she doesn’t come out with us anymore, she hardly ever speaks.”
Nicks words caused the deep rooted fear that had been eating away at Grissom’s heart to rise to the surface, bringing his refusal to reach out to her when she needed him to the fore, piercing his heart with an aching pain that caused him to relive the truth.
“ Griss, you have got to speak to her, make her listen to you,” Nick pleaded “ since you’ve been gone we’ve noticed every day that she kept away from the rest of us. Something’s wrong Griss, something’s seriously wrong.”
Grissom pushed the fear away from his heart as he opened his mouth to speak, his words barely leaving his mouth before the determined face of Sara Sidle came into his office.
“ Sar,” Nick gasped, jumping to his feet to pull her into a quick hug “ I thought you’d gone home.”
“ I was going to,” she told him quietly, carefully avoiding Grissom’s eyes as she spoke “ but I thought you might need my help.”
“ Always,” Nick smiled, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance before he let it drop to his side “ but I thought you wasn’t feeling well.”
“ I don’t feel much of anything right now Nick,” she told him carefully choosing her words “ but I’m here to work, that’s all I do.”
“ That’s not all you do Sar,” Nick told her worriedly “ if you need to go home then Griss can help me with our case.”
“ I’m fine,” she nodded firmly, moving towards the door waving a hand behind her indicating that this conversation was over.
Her exit left a wave of uncertainty to linger inside the room, which still held her presence. Nick’s eyes focused on the space she had left behind her, worry creasing his brow as he turned back to cast a pleading look into Grissom’s eyes.
“ You are not telling me that what you just saw is right,” he accused “ Sara’s losing control, can’t you see that?”
When Grissom failed to respond, Nick turned away in disgust and walked towards the door “ Well if you don’t wanna help her, then I will.” Stopping to hover in the doorway he watched Grissom’s stunned face with barely muted anger “ Maybe she was right all along when she told me she had no one.”
“ I, she said that?” he asked quietly “ she really thinks she’s alone?”
Nick heard the concern in Grissom’s voice, but the anger still raged throughout his heart as he spoke before exiting the room, his words lingering in the air, “ Truth’s a real bitch when it hits you isn’t it Grissom.”
Grissom sat back in his chair, his heart aching inside his chest as if some huge pressure had punctured his body to leave him broken. He had hoped that he could patch things up with Sara, maybe even erase some of the past few months and start over. How could he have been so wrong? Was he so arrogant that he thought he could come right back into her life again and expect her to forgive him just because he asked her to? Was he so confident with his place in her life? As the realization sank into his heart, it brought the last words she had spoken to him that night along with it.
‘By the time you figure it out, you could be too late.’
His time away from her had only strengthened his feelings, casting his constant longing to see her into a powerful wave of truth that hit him head on, something he had been totally unprepared for. Was this what he had needed all along to bring him to his senses? Separation?
Pushing his chair backwards he stood to his feet, determined to heal her pain, maybe heal himself too, he just hoped he wasn’t too late for the both of them.
Sara leaned on Greg’s desk quietly as she waited for the DNA results from the cigarette butt she had found. She could feel Greg’s eyes watching her from behind but she had neither the strength nor the will to respond to him in the way he had become so accustomed. It had been so long since she had taken part in the harmful banter he always seemed to save up for her, and she knew he thought her withdrawal was his fault, but she couldn’t seem to shake out of the depression that had slowly overtaken her body.
“ Sara,” he said quietly from behind her, worry set inside his voice “ are you mad at me or something?”
Closing her eyes against the sadness, she opened them again as she slowly turned around to face him “ Greg,” she sighed, “ how could I ever be mad at you? Look it’s not you ok, I just don’t feel much like talking lately that’s all.”
“ Are you sure,” he pushed, his eyes dropping slowly to the floor as he spoke “ You know I wouldn’t do anything that we joke about, I really wouldn’t.”
Sara’s heart ached inside her chest as his words hit her with another wave of loneliness. Their careful banter had always taken on the form of what he would do if she ever agreed to go out with him, something they constantly joked about, but since Grissom’s last wave of torture upon her soul, the banter had all but stopped, destroying everything that made her a whole person. Now she was just a fragment of her former self, someone with no life, no love, no anything. Swallowing against the lump inside her throat, she met his eyes squarely with her own “, It’s all me Greg, no one else, just all me.”
“ Is that why you’re avoiding us?” he pressed, desperate to be the one to ease whatever it was she was going through.
“ I’m not avoiding anyone,” she told him, the coldness returning to her heart once again as the pretense once again fooled everyone around her “, I don’t go out anymore because I choose to.”
Nodding his head slowly, he reached down to pick up the sheet of DNA results before handing it to her “ Just so you know,” he said softly before she retreated towards the door, his eyes holding hers for what seemed like an eternity “ our nights out aren’t the same without you.”
His soft admission almost caused her to choke on the unshed tears that had been threatening to overflow for so many weeks. Nodding her head, she backed out silently, not daring to speak because she knew if she did he would hear the sorrow in her voice, something she couldn’t handle right now.
She needed an escape, somewhere to regain her composure and force the sorrow that threatened to engulf her completely into submission.
The break room was deserted, so she stepped inside the quietness, letting the peace overwhelm her as she sank down heavily into a chair and closed her eyes.
If she intended to stay and work here she had to get passed these feelings of abandonment and sorrow, she had to get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t want her.
Grissom’s essence filled her again as his face clouded her mind, his words of rejection ringing in her ears, bringing with it the sorrowful truth that she would never be able to move on from him or escape the love she still felt for him. The reality of his rejection leaving her clinging to memories of the words he had used to pull her in deeper towards him only to throw her away like some discarded toy, broken and forgotten.
Tears threatened to overflow once again as his carelessness took over her soul, deepening all the wounds he had created, ripping them wide open again with a force so powerful she had to gasp for breath.
Wrapping her arms around her waist she sank forward, holding herself in her own protective embrace, anything to push the sorrow away, leaving her room to breath.
With near desperation, she stood to her feet and headed towards the women’s washroom, needing somewhere private where she could release her torment and let the pain wash over her until the next wave came to claim her again.
The room was empty when she walked in, casting an immense relief to mingle in with her heartache. Walking over towards the mirror, she caught sight of her reflection, shock as well as sorrow causing her to draw a ragged breath. She barely recognized herself anymore. Her features were pale and her eyes held a haunted presence. Every day she was losing more and more of who she was, and it was now becoming obvious, even to her.
Her aching heart could no longer withstand the heaviness it carried, needing to offload it’s burden. Looking down at her shaking hands, she moved towards one of the stalls and went inside, locking the door behind her. The tears came before she had a chance to prepare, their powerful onslaught consuming her body as she sank down to sit on the toilet seat, wrapping her arms around her waist as wave after wave of sorrow left her defeated body.
Grissom walked down the hallway, his eyes searching every room, every place where he thought Sara might be, but all he found was emptiness.
Passing by Greg’s office he stepped into the doorway, listening to the unusual quietness of the young man inside.
“ Hey Greg have you seen Sara?”
Looking up, Greg offered him an empty smile which failed to reach his eyes “ Yeah a while ago.”
“ Did she say where she was going?” Grissom pressed, stepping closer into the room. He came to stop beside Greg’s desk, noticing how his posture seemed to slump with every second he lingered beside him.
“ She didn’t say much of anything,” he sighed sadly, averting his eyes away from Grissom’s penetrating stare “ she doesn’t talk much these days.”
“ What do you mean by that?” he asked worriedly, although deep inside his heart he already knew the answer to his own question.
“ She’s not the same anymore,” Greg told him, his words so quiet he had to strain to hear him “ she doesn’t come out with us anymore, it’s as if she’s avoiding us all the time, or maybe she’s just avoiding me.”
“ Greg,” Grissom sighed, his voice heavy with worry as he spoke “ why would she want to avoid you?”
“ I don’t know, maybe it’s something I did, I really don’t know, I just wish she could just tell me so I could apologize and maybe get back to normal. I miss her.”
Grissom’s eyes caught Greg’s and held for a few seconds before he looked away, the knowledge that whatever she was going through was caused by his carelessness and not by the witty young lab tech before him.
“ Look it’s not you Greg,” he told him “ I know at least that much.”
“ Yeah funny,” Greg sighed sadly “ she said something along the same lines to me earlier.”
“ We’ll get her back Greg,” Grissom told him as he turned to walk out of the door, lowering his voice as he spoke the last words “ I need her back.”
Inside the women’s washroom, Sara’s sobs had started to die away as the aching sorrow slowly left her body, for now at least. She knew she needed to find some sort of closure, a place where she could focus on to deal with the pain that seemed to tear through her heart every time she saw him or heard his voice.
He could make her knee’s grow weak just by speaking her name, and that power scared her. How could she banish him from her heart and erase him when her mind constantly reminded her of the times when they had been happy? The days when she felt so close to him seemed to have been so long ago now. Were they ever really close she wondered, or was it just her mind playing tricks on her, making something out of the painful games he was playing with her heart.
Standing shakily to her feet, she wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands, ridding the wetness from her cheeks before she stepped out to walk towards the sink.
Her eyes met her own reflection. She looked awful, the deep redness in her eyes showing the obvious signs of her turmoil. Turning on the tap, she splashed some water onto her face, cooling her burning skin that held the remnance of her tears. She needed to find some sort of peace, anything if she was going to continue to work here.
Reaching for a tissue, she blew her nose and took one last look at her reflection. What would he think, she wondered, if he knew she had been crying over him?
Shaking her head, she scolded herself as his face appeared inside her mind again, haunting her senses to once again take control of the woman inside her.
“ He doesn’t want you,” she told her reflection, gritting her teeth as she spoke “ no one wants you so just get over it.”
Her words brought another wave of sadness to wash over her body but she pushed it away, unwilling to succumb to its overwhelming power over her any longer.
With a heavy sigh, she took one last look in the mirror before walking towards the door, leaving her sanctuary behind to immerse herself in pain once again.
She kept her head down as she walked, avoiding people’s eyes as she passed them, not wanting anyone to see her while the pain was still raw inside her heart.
“ Sara,” Nick called behind her as he jogged up beside her, reaching out a hand to her arm, stopping her in her tracks “ hey I’ve been looking for you.”
Sara’s heart was pounding inside her chest, why couldn’t everyone just leave her alone? Looking up, she met his worried eyes, hoping she had managed to erase the sadness from her own.
“ God Sar,” he gasped, “ are you ok?”
His concern touched something deep inside her and she wished with all that was left of her battered heart that Grissom would show just a fraction of the worry that she saw in Nick’s eyes. But that was very unlikely now that she knew the truth
“ I’m fine Nick,” she told him as she reached her hand to his on her arm, squeezing his fingers gently before moving away from him “ I’m always fine.”
“ Look we’re all going out for breakfast after shift, I’d like you to come too,” he told her softly.
“ I don’t think so Nick,” she whispered sadly, as she backed away from him to turn towards the confines of the break room.
“ Why not?” he continued as he walked beside her, keeping in time with her movements “ come on Sar, we want you there.”
His words echoed inside her mind, reaching out to squeeze her heart so tight she almost had to gasp out in pain. Slowly she turned her face so she could see his eyes, begging him to accept that she needed the distance “ No you don’t,” she whispered “ I’d only ruin it for you.”
“ No you wouldn’t, come on Sar, please come with us, you haven’t been out with all of us for a long time.”
“ I can’t,” she told him, her voice struggling to find an excuse to give him “ I have to be somewhere,” she lied.
“ Well, before shift then,” he told her, “ come on Sar, anywhere you want to go.”
“ Nick, I..”
“ I’ll even pick you up,” he grinned, hoping that his persistence would somehow grind her into submission.
“ Ok,” she sighed, she knew he would keep going until he got the answer he wanted so she might as well get it over with, it was just one meal after all, she could handle one meal.
“ Great,” he grinned, reaching out to pull her into a quick hug before letting her go.
“ I’ll come to breakfast with you guys,” she told him, her voice weighing heavily inside her soul. If she waited until later, she wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway because her stomach would be churning with worry.
“ Even better,” he grinned, “ Greg will be happy.”
“ Great,” she told him, pushing a smile to her face “ look I have a few errands, I’ll see you later.”
Nick watched her as she moved away from him. He knew she had tried to put a wall up between herself and her friends over the passed month, but he hoped that this was the start of tearing it down so they could pull her away from the darkness that had been surrounding her for so long.
Sighing heavily, he turned away from her retreating form to go in search of Greg.
Sara came slowly into the break room and eased herself down into one of the chairs beside the table. Her head ached with the pressure that she had been inflicting on her tired body for so many months. She knew the others were worried about her and sometimes she even worried herself. Some days she felt herself slip a little further away from them, her mind reasoning her distance, telling her they didn’t need or want her here. So she had gone with the motions, pushing herself further and further away until Nick would come back and take a firm hold of her emotions to reel her back, closing the divide for a few weeks until she withdrew again.
Leaning her elbows on the table, she rested her head in her hands, her fingers lacing through her hair as she closed her eyes. Every part of her mind screamed at her to make a decision to leave, to place the final barrier between her and the pain, but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t bear to endure the final separation.
She heard someone come into the room but didn’t look up. She kept her eyes closed against the pain raging through her senses, numbing her heart into an aching shell that had become empty and broken.
“ Hey,” she heard Grissom’s voice speak softly, washing over her to burst his smile into her mind. She imagined his eyes, looking into hers, pulling her into their heavenly embrace, but then the darkness returned to swallow her whole, taking his smile away.
“ You ok?” his voice spoke again and she opened her eyes to look up into his worried face. At first she looked behind her, thinking her was speaking to someone else. He wouldn’t be speaking to her with such concern in his eyes when he had barely spoken to her at all over the last year.
“ Oh,” she whispered, “ I didn’t think you were speaking to me.”
“ There’s no one else here Sara,” he smiled “ who else would I be talking to?”
Turning away from his eyes, she cleared her throat “ It’s usually everyone else you talk to Griss, not me,” taking a breath she turned to him again “ What did you need me to do?”
“ Excuse me?” he asked, confused by her question while his heart still reeled from her first answer.
“ I was just sitting down for a while,” she told him “ I’ll get back to work in a minute ok.”
“ Sara, that’s not why I’m here.” Stepping closer into the room, he came to pull up and chair and sat down opposite her.
For a second Sara’s heart screamed with worry, needing to get away before he hurt her again with his careless words and lies. He consumed her with his very presence, taking over her heart with his eyes that seemed to delve down into her soul.
“ Why?” she whispered, avoiding his eyes as she spoke. She knew she had to prepare for the coming onslaught that would surely be coming in her direction any second when he hurt her again with more words that were designed to cause as much pain as she could withstand.
“ Why are you avoiding everyone?” he asked quietly, his voice washing over her with deliberate care “ why are you,” his eyes watched her for any sign of a reaction as he spoke “ avoiding me?”
Sara’s shuddered breath caused him to reach a hand across the table to thread through her fingers, squeezing her hand as she slowly turned her pain filled eyes to his, causing him to draw in a breath as he waited for her answer.
For a second she stared at him numbly, his words reaching inside her pain filled heart to grip tightly and squeeze every ounce of what was left of her away. Closing her eyes, she tried to focus on something that wouldn’t hurt so much, but her mind kept coming back to him, his face, his eyes, his voice.
“ I’m tired,” she whispered sadly as she slowly opened her eyes to focus down on his hand entwined in her fingers.
“ You work too hard Sara,” he told her, his voice taking on a new softness she was so unaccustomed to hearing. Reaching out his other hand, he stroked her fingers as he spoke “ I’m sorry.”
Sara drew in a ragged breath as his words hit her full force casting a tiny piece of hope into her heart, but it died away in a heartbeat when her eyes met his. She knew him so well, maybe better than he knew himself, and his eyes told her he didn’t know how deeply his actions had affected her, how hurt she actually was.
“ Well,” she whispered as she slowly pulled her hand from his grasp “ then everything is fine now I guess.” Pushing back her chair, she stood up slowly, avoiding his eyes as she moved towards the door.
“ Sara,” he gasped out her name, his voice begging her to turn around and face him.
Sara kept still, carefully avoiding his eyes as she waited for him to speak to her. He seemed to be able to move with stealth like speed as he came to stand beside her, his fingers aching to touch her “ I don’t know what to do to make this right.”
Closing her eyes against the wash of pain that ached throughout her heart she spoke in a whisper before she stepped over into the corridor “ I do.”
Walking away from him, she opened her eyes, the aching sorrow that she had successfully pushed so far away with the last bout of tears had resurfaced to possess her, reaching out to claim her soul into darkness. She couldn’t stay here, she needed some air, so she raced out towards the exit, pushing open the doors to walk out into the cool night air. Only then did she take in a deep gasping breath, her heart drowning in unshed tears that she refused to release.
Greg stood up and stretched his back. His hands shook at his side as he tried to steady his tattered nerves. Since the explosion, he couldn’t seem to steady his hands. His whole existence had been torn apart and shattered into a thousand pieces, taking his confidence along with it.
Needing to take a breather, he stepped out of his lab in search of someone to talk to, anyone who could take his mind off of his insecurities, but there was no one he wanted to talk to. Looking towards the exit, he decided to take a break outside, maybe the fresh air would clear his senses.
Sara left the steps of the lab and made the slow walk over towards her Tahoe. Maybe she should have gone home when she had the chance to then she could have shed her tears in private, and let them flow until she couldn’t cry anymore. But she had chosen to be strong, chosen to fight, but her strength was quickly fading, fading the light inside her soul as she slowly succumbed to the inevitable pain.
Something clicked behind her and she turned around sharply to see what had caused the sound and was met face to face with a fist.
Falling backwards, she tried to recover her balance and hang onto the jacket that someone was ripping from her shoulders, but she failed miserably and fell to the ground, cracking her head on the cold concrete as she did. Trying to focus, she caught sight of someone running away, her jacket thrown to the ground and her cell phone in pieces.
Pulling herself forward, she tried to sit up, but the dizziness caused her to draw in a ragged breath as a wave of nausea crashed from her stomach, stopping her movements until she could regain control again.
She became vaguely aware of someone coming towards her and a wave of fear gripped at her heart until she heard Greg’s voice, high pitched and frantic “ Sara,” he yelped “ god Sara, it’s me, Greg, can you hear me?”
“ I’m ok,” she whispered, her hands reaching out to clench fistfuls of his lab coat as she tried to pull herself up “ help me up.”
“ No, no, you stay there, you’re bleeding,” his voice shook as he spoke. Looking around him, he saw David walking over towards the labs “ HELP,” he yelled, then a little more quietly “ We need help.”
David turned tail and ran towards them, grinding to a stop as his eyes caught sight of the blood seeping from Sara’s forehead.
“ Oh god,” he gasped, “ what happened?”
“ I don’t know just go and find someone to help her,” Greg hissed urgently before turning his eyes back towards Sara who had started to reach down towards her belt, frantically searching for something.
Finding his feet, David took one last look down at Sara before turning around to run into the lab.
“ Sara try and stay still,” Greg told her softly, trying to reach out to her with his voice, more to calm his own trembling than to bring her fumbling fingers to a standstill.
“ It’s gone,” she told him, her voice rising in pitch and volume as she began searching the ground with her hands.
“ What’s gone?” he asked worriedly, as he began to search the ground with her “ Sara, tell me.”
“ My pager, he took my pager,” she told him, her voice becoming frantic as she returned her eyes to the ground, trying to find the missing object “ I have to find it.”
“ Sara it’s a pager, it doesn’t matter,” Greg steadied her hands, stopping her from scraping her fingers along the rough ground “ Sara stop.”
“ You don’t understand,” she wailed frantically, her breathing coming in shaking gasps as she fought to breath through the trembling that had overtaken her body.
“ What don’t I understand?” he pleaded, his own voice shaking with more than fear “ help me understand.”
“ I have to find it,” she repeated, “if I miss another one of his pages..” her voice trailed away as tears started to roll down her face “ please, help me Greg, I need to find it.”
Sitting back onto his knee’s Greg’s own eyes filled with emotion as he watched her tears roll down her face to plop onto her searching hands, rendering him motionless. “ Sara stop,” he said quietly, his eyes darting in time with her frantic movements “ Sara please,” he whispered, no longer able to control his own emotions as he sat back to watch her fall apart before his very eyes.
Inside the lab, David practically ran into Grissom on his quest to find help. “ Sara,” he gasped out, panting heavily as he stopped to control his breathing.
“ Sara what?” Grissom asked, his heart still aching from their recent conversation.
“ She’s been attacked,” David breathed “ outside.”
“ What?” Grissom gasped, moving away from David to make his way quickly towards the doors “ call for help.”
“ Yes sir,” David nodded as Grissom raced away from him.
“ Hey where’s Grissom going?” Nick asked worriedly as he came to stop beside David’s retreating form.
“ Sara’s been attacked.”
“ Oh god,” Nick gasped, breaking into a run towards the exit.
Outside in the car park, Sara had stopped searching the ground to come to a slow stop, her unseeing eyes staring off into the darkness.
“ Sara, are you ok?” Greg asked softly, shifting a little closer towards her as he spoke.
Keeping her eyes focused into the distance she shook her head slowly “ No,” she choked on the word, her breath coming in a ragged whisper as she spoke.
She tried to focus on something that would ease her pain, but all she kept returning to was the look of disgust in Grissom’s eyes the first time she had missed his page on her day off, so long ago now, but he still came back to haunt her dreams, his cold eyes showing no emotions at all.
Sounds of footsteps came from behind Greg causing him to turn with grateful relief when he saw Grissom and Nick approaching.
“ Sara?” Grissom asked carefully as he sank to his knee’s in front of her, searching her confused eyes that were focused somewhere behind him. The blood from her forehead had started to trickle down the side of her face, but she kept still, unmoving, unblinking.
“ Sara,” Grissom spoke again, trying to bring her out of her trance “ honey talk to me.”
Nick came to stand beside Greg, pulling him to his feet “ You ok man?”
“ Yeah I’m fine, but Sara,” his voice shook as he spoke “ she’s so..”
“ I know,” Nick nodded, patting his shoulder “ it’s ok, did she say what happened?”
“ She was crying,” he whispered “ I’ve never seen her cry.”
“ Why don’t you go back inside, we’ll stay with her until the ambulance gets here.”
“ No I want to stay,” his eyes looked over to Sara again, worry reaching his eyes as he spoke again “ she was more worried about her stupid pager than she was anything else.”
“ Her pager?” Nick asked worriedly, causing Grissom’s eyes to leave Sara’s face for a second before returning his worried eyes back towards her.
“ Yeah, she kept saying she had to find it, that she was worried she’d miss one of his pages.”
“ His? Who?”
“ I don’t know,” he sighed, “she just went real quiet and when I asked her if she was ok she said no.”
Stepping closer, Nick knelt down by her side, trying to succeed where Grissom had failed “ Sar,” he whispered “ honey we need to get you cleaned up.”
When she didn’t move, he tried again “ come on Sar, you promised you’d come out with us, you don’t want to disappoint Greggo here do you.”
His voice found it’s way through her darkness, opening a floodgate that had held a barrier to obstruct her pain, stopping it from being unleashed to its full power.
Slowly, she took a ragged breath, his voice easing her away from the dark chasm that had almost swallowed her whole “ My pager,” she whispered brokenly.
Grissom moved back as Nick pushed him out of the way, sitting in front of her to take hold of her trembling hands “ Honey it doesn’t matter about the pager.”
“ You don’t understand,” she whispered through tears, her eyes closing against the pain surrounding her heart “ he already hates me, and now he’ll hate me even more.”
“ Honey no one hates you,” he soothed, trying desperately to coax her back towards him with his voice.
“ He does,” her voice cracked as she spoke, every word strained with pain “ I missed one of his pages and now he hates me.”
“ Who does?” he asked softly, running a thumb over her fingers “ Sar.”
Grissom held his breath, her agonizing pain reaching out to his heart, squeezing him tightly as the truth of her words spilled over into endless feelings of regret.
Her bottom lip began to tremble as she struggled to remain in control, trying to focus on anything but the pain surrounding her haunted heart “ I have to change,” she whispered, avoiding his question “ I’m wearing evidence, and my face, it’ll have his DNA.”
“ Ok,” he nodded, “ do you think you can walk?”
“ Yeah,” she shuddered as she tried to stand to her feet, almost succeeding until a wave of nausea overcame her, causing her to sink back down to her knees.
Unable to stop himself, Grissom stepped forward, holding onto her hands, helping her back down to the ground “ Help will be here soon,” he whispered, suddenly unnerved by her closeness.
“ I lost it,” she whispered brokenly, as he leaned closer to hear her.
“ Honey this isn’t your fault,” he told her, his heart reaching out to her as she moved away from his touch.
“ I don’t want you to hate me anymore,” her words left her lips; cracking through the pain she carried so deeply inside her.
Grissom’s heart almost cracked in two as her words hit him, plunging a direct hit right into his soul as the truth from her sorrowful wounds finally caused his breath to leave him. With perfect clarity, she had laid her emotions bare to him and he had been too blind to notice. Opening his mouth to speak, his words were cut off by the sirens from the ambulance that screeched to a halt in the car park and he found he was soon pushed out of the way by the paramedics who had arrived to attend to her injury.
Swallowing his own self-loathing, he stood back quietly, watching her sad eyes as they drifted closed, creating a flurry of movements, which caused a sudden fear to rush inside his veins.
“ Sara,” Grissom called out, choking on his fear as he tried to get closer to her unconscious form.
“ Sir you need to step back,” one of the paramedics ordered, forcing him to move away while they tried to rouse her.
“ She was fine,” Grissom told them urgently, his words reaching out through his pain to the woman whose heart he had succeeded in tearing apart.
Nick came closer towards him, taking hold of his arm to pull him back, his own eyes staring down in horror towards the scene before him.
Sara had seemed to slip further away from them over the last few weeks as if she was trying to disappear altogether, erasing her whole existence.
Tearing his eyes away from her still form, he caught sight of Greg who was watching with horrified, staring eyes, his whole body shaking.
“ Greg,” Nick said softly, causing Grissom to tear his eyes from the woman on the ground to the young lab tech who was slowly slipping into the darkness that Sara had submerged in to.
“ Hey Greggo,” Nick spoke again, stepping closer to shake his arm, pulling him away from the void that had threatened to overtake him.
Greg turned slowly, his eyes filled with unshed tears as the colour drained from his face “ It’s so soon,” he whispered, as he turned his eyes back towards Sara whose eyes had started to flutter open.
“ What is?” Nick asked worriedly, his voice wavering as he spoke “ Greg?”
“ The explosion,” he whispered brokenly “ she can’t handle it anymore.”
Stepping closer, he moved in closer towards Sara who had started to slap the paramedics hands away, her eyes darting from face to face with frightened eyes.
“ Sara, it’s ok,” he said softly “ they’re trying to help you.”
“ I’m fine,” she insisted, moving her hand up to her face to stop them touching her.
Grissom moved slowly around the paramedics to come and kneel down on the opposite side to her, his voice deliberately low “ Sara, they just want to make sure you’re alright, as soon as you let them do that this will all be over.”
His voice surrounded her, reaching through her pain filled haze as her eyes slowly moved to focus on his eyes, the concern in them silently piercing her soul into submission. Dropping her hands to her side she looked away from him to focus on the space in the distance, a welcoming distraction from his misplaced tenderness.
“ Ok,” she muttered quietly, allowing the paramedics back towards her, offering her self up to their examinations. She tried to focus on anything but Grissom, but he refused to leave her heart. She tried to hate him, to push him away but his hold over her was too strong. So she succumbed to the sea of pain he always brought along with him, drowning her in false hopes only to rip them away before she had time to prepare. He controlled her that much she was aware of, and that’s why she could never be free to love anyone else, she was still in love with him and no amount of self-loathing or distancing could ever erase him.
Her eyes threatened to overflow with tears again as she thought of all the times he had led her towards him with tender words, drawing her closer until there was no possible escape.
Closing her eyes against the tears she drew in a ragged breath as the paramedics took a step back, talking to her in muffled voices, which she assumed were directed towards her. Opening her eyes slowly, she barely heard the words ‘hospital’ and ‘observation’ before she was being lifted to her feet.
From his place at her side, Greg stood to his feet worriedly, observing in quiet silence her reactions as the truth of just how close they had come to lose her inflamed upon his heart, causing a deep shuddering breath to escape his tattered soul.
“ I’m fine,” she insisted, her eyes darting towards Greg and Nick for some moral support.
“ Not this time Sar,” Nick told her as he stepped closer to take hold of her hand “ I’ll need to take your cloths for the DNA. How about I go and grab your spare set from your locker and I’ll follow you to the hospital?”
“ But I’m fine,” she told him in near desperation, as she diverted her eyes towards Greg, trying another tactic “ please tell them Greg.”
He stared at her, lost and broken as he slowly shook his head to step away, indicating that he couldn’t help her with this battle she was slowly losing, when he was finding it almost impossible to battle his own demons that threatened his very existence every day since the explosion had ripped his life apart “ I’m sorry sara,” he whispered sadly, watching her eyes darting from his to Nick’s, desperate for them to help her.
Her voice struck fear into Nick’s heart as he clasped her hand, giving her his reassurance. “ Look Grissom will go with you, won’t you Griss?” he asked, directing his eyes towards the older man who couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away.
“ Of course,” Grissom nodded “ I’ll stay with you until they discharge you.”
“ There, see?” Nick grinned “ honey you know we’re right.”
The thought of having Grissom’s undivided attention used to at one time fill her with a warm contented feeling that washed over her soul bringing loving embers in its wake, but now, the thought of being alone with him caused her to bury her feelings so deeply inside, afraid to let him see how deeply he had hurt her.
“ We’ll follow behind,” Grissom informed the paramedics who started to help her into the ambulance, turning away before she could vocalize her protests.
She had no other choice but to cope with the impending doom that surrounded her whole body. She could do this, after all he wouldn’t sit with her or anything, and he certainly wouldn’t talk to her. With every second that passed, she slowly started to calm her breathing. Yes, she could do this.
The arrival at the hospital went smoother than she had prepared herself for. She was ushered into a small room on her own and given a hospital gown to put on.
She looked down at the offending material as she slowly removed her shirt. Slipping an arm into the sleeve, she winced in pain as her sore muscles protested in aching agony for the intrusion on them since her fall on the hard concrete floor. She hated hospitals. Their sterile smell and silence overwhelmed her with so many unwanted emotions that she had to struggle to keep her breathing even. When she finally removed the rest of her cloths, she placed them in the brown evidence bag on the side of her bed, her heart struggling to keep in control as the intensity of the situation suddenly hit her with full force, plunging her into darkening revelations that she would have preferred to avoid.
Taking a deep breath, she sat back onto the bed and hung her long legs over the side. Watching the door for signs of movement, as she waited for the doctor to come and check her over.
After half an hour she was still alone. Her eyes drifted around the room, scanning the light green walls, counting every crack until she lost count half way only to start again a second later.
The silence in the room was almost deafening, and the desolation that overtook her heart should have been a welcoming relief from all the recent pain, but it suddenly struck her that the loneliness she had inflicted upon herself over the passed few months provided not release, but a desolate sea of isolation, and that thought scared her more than anything had ever scared her in her life.
Gil Grissom had not only managed to destroy her soul and tear her apart, he had also managed to leave her doubting herself. Maybe he didn’t want her because of the way she was, maybe that’s why Hank just used her. Was she so awful that every man eventually turned tail and ran as far away from her as they possibly could?
Holding out her hands, she turned them over, palm side up so she could look at the angry scar that intruded onto her flesh from the explosion that happened only a few weeks ago.
This was all she was, she realized, a body covered in battle scars, most of them cutting so deep they couldn’t be seen by the naked eye. She had craved silence and isolation ever since Grissom’s rejection, almost as if their release was in way some sort of a self made punishment for not being good enough for him.
Tears pricked her eyes as she let the loneliness wash over her in aching waves, its powerful sentiment unleashed throughout her soul as she closed her eyes to the darkness.
Creaking the door open, Nick came to stop in the doorway, his heart aching as he saw her sat so still. She seemed so small sat there on the bed, and he found himself moving towards her. Behind him, Grissom came to a stop in the doorway, his eyes taking in the lonely figure of the woman who held his heart. He knew now that he had managed to hurt her with his carelessness and he ached to release her from the heavy burden he had created. He watched silently, unable to move as he let the door close behind him as he stood watching the scene unfolding before him.
“ Hey,” Nick spoke softly as he came to sit beside her on the bed, her silence unnerving him “ how you doing?”
Sara kept her head down as she fought to stop the tears from pooling inside her eyes. She was losing the painful battle; it’s overwhelming torture over her soul battering down her defenses, tearing her apart under the immense pain.
One tear leaked from the corner of her eyes to be followed by another as she slowly succumbed to the sorrow that had been controlling her for so long.
“ Oh honey,” he whispered painfully as he moved closer to her, slipping an arm around her as she broke apart before him, unleashing her sorrow in huge wracking sobs that left her body in wave after wave as she clung to him, grabbing handfuls of his shirt as she sobbed.
Grissom almost sank to his knees beside the door; his need to comfort her overwhelming his soul as he slowly took the few steps closer towards them.
“ It’s ok,” Nick soothed, his voice straining against his own emotions building up inside his chest. He pulled her closer towards him, fitting her head beneath his chin as she sobbed out her pain, unleashing the torment that had kept her a prisoner for so long.
Grissom came slowly closer, his body trembling with worry as she cried. In all the years he had known her he had never seen her consumed in so much pain. He’d been with her when she became emotional yes, but this was different, this was a broken and emotionally drained woman before him.
He ached to touch her, needing to heal her, as if one touch of his hand could erase her pain, pain that he had managed to create with a slow agonizing onslaught of words and actions, ones that he would live to regret for the rest of his life.
Nick closed his eyes as he held her against him, her desperate need to be held aching endless pain throughout his heart. She shook as she unleashed her tears; her deep shudders echoing into his body only to coax his own emotions to ride high alongside hers.
“ Shh,” he whispered brokenly as he fought to control the wetness in his eyes “ it’ll be ok.”
Grissom watched the scene unfold before him and suddenly felt like an intruder. He hadn’t realized just how close Sara and Nick had become while he was in his constant denial against his burnished feelings. He had hidden behind his wall of unspoken truths for so long, he hadn’t once stopped to think how his actions would affect those around him, especially the broken woman who he had managed to tear apart with his carelessness.
He’d refused to see her pain for so long, telling himself that she would eventually get tired of his ignorance and move on, leaving him behind to face a life alone with his battered heart. How could he have known that he would almost destroy her in the process?
Stepping closer, he came to stand tentatively beside the bed, keeping his distance, and eyeing the door, searching for his escape route. His gaze slowly drifted towards the two people beside him, the intense scene before him causing an aching jolt to fill his heart as he came to a sudden realization that took his breath away. Had he caused this?
Opening his eyes, Nick looked over Sara’s head towards his boss who was watching them with unreadable eyes. He’d always had a feeling that whatever Sara was going through had been caused by a direct action from the man who had brought her into their lives so long ago. He had thrust her into their small group, giving no other reason than his trust in her and expected them to do the same.
After their rocky beginning, he had come to love her and value her friendship. She had slowly started to become closer to him, maybe closer than his own sister, and to see her now, consumed in sorrow, he had to restrain his accusing eyes and spiteful words towards the one who had hurt her so deeply.
Beside him, Sara tried to stop the slow unleashing of sorrow from her heart, but the tears seemed to flow in an endless stream, slowing for a few seconds until another onslaught caught her in another wave, bringing more pain, more sorrow along with it.
She tried to stop them from surfacing, her desperate need for control being consumed by her pain, overwhelmed into the dark recesses, swallowing her spirit and her will to fight.
She could feel Grissom’s presence beside her, his closeness causing her to cling tighter to her friend, pleading with him silently to hold her closer and protect her heart from the next wave of pain that Grissom would no doubt unleash upon her.
Pulling her closer, Nick looked over towards Grissom, speaking in a whisper “ Maybe you should go and keep the doctor away until she’s calmed down.”
For a moment, Grissom resented Nick for his intrusion, his own need to comfort her overpowering his logical brain, but he knew one of them had to go, Sara wouldn’t want anyone to see her like this.
As he moved away, he stopped to look silently at Sara’s shaking body. Her hair shielded her face from the obvious pain she was suffering, and he found himself breathing in relief as he backed away, her tears would be his undoing, his weakness.
Opening the door, he walked outside and took a deep shuddering breath as he did. He couldn’t help her while he was having a hard time dealing with his own confusing feelings. Part of him wanted to shove Nick as far away as he could so he could wrap her in his arms and hold her forever, but another part of him was terrified of what he was feeling.
He chanced a look into the small pane of glass that allowed him to see into the hospital room. His heart ached sadly as he saw Sara lift her face from Nick’s chest to sit herself up. As Nick’s fingers gently brushed the tears away from her cheeks, Grissom felt something tighten in his heart, almost choking his breath from his body. He should be the one in there with her, he told himself angrily; he was the one who was in love with her. With a sudden intake of breath, Grissom gulped back down the terror that had leapt from his heart. Did he say love? Where had that thought come from? Swallowing hard against the thudding inside his chest, he backed away from the door, needing to escape the truth that had shattered his defensive walls to keep her away. Finding a chair, he sat down heavily as he closed his eyes. He tried to control his breathing as his mind revisited every word, every touch. Had he been so blind that he couldn’t see what his own heart was screaming out for him to understand?
Leaning forward, he put his head in his hands as her smile haunted his mind, bringing a shuddering wave of knowledge to his heart. He loved her.
Back inside the hospital room, Sara sat back and wiped her hands over her face. Her sobs had reduced to hiccups as stray tears escaped to roll down her cheeks.
“ I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly as she swiped at the tears still streaking her cheeks.
“ Hey,” Nick scolded softly “ it’s ok.”
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath “ He left didn’t he?”
“ Who? Grissom?” he asked as he reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn’t answer, he shuffled closer towards her “ Honey talk to me.”
“ He really hates me,” she whispered as a slow tear made tracks down her cheeks “ I can’t really blame him though, I’m a mess.”
“ Sara,” Nick started, only to be cut off by her words.
“ No it’s ok, you don’t have to deny it,” she told him as she looked away “ I mean Hank didn’t want me either, and god he wasn’t the catch of the century or anything, but at least I thought he liked me.”
“ Hank was an ass,” Nick told her, his anger for the man who hurt her fueling his words “ and Grissom doesn’t hate you.”
“ He does,” she said softly as another tear followed in the tracks of the first “ he does everything he can to keep me away from him. Sometimes I have to think back and try to remember what I did that was so bad to make him hate me so much, but I can’t remember,” she turned her haunted eyes to Nick “ What’s wrong with me?”
“ Sara there’s nothing…”
“ There has to be,” she gasped back tears as she spoke “ Hank used me and Griss doesn’t want me anywhere near him. You can tell me Nick, if I know then at least I can understand what’s wrong with me,” her eyes searched his as new tears formed in hers “ I know I’m not beautiful, I know that when I walk down a street no one is going to give me a second look, but I thought I was sorta ok, but, maybe I was wrong.”
“ God Sara,” he told her, reaching out to clasp her hand “ You are a smart, amazing and desirable woman, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don’t ever think you’re not worth it honey because you are, you’re more than worth it.”
“ Sometimes I look at Catherine and I envy her,” she admitted quietly, closing her eyes tiredly “ she doesn’t have to work to look the way she does, it’s natural for her, but me…” Sighing heavily, she opened her eyes slowly “ Can you see if you can get that doctor in here? I just wanna go home and sleep.”
“ Sure hon,” he said softly as he combed his fingers lightly through her hair “ why don’t you lie down for a while and I’ll go track him down.”
“ If I lie down I’ll sleep, and if I sleep here they’ll make me stay and I don’t want to stay.”
“ Ok,” he nodded as he stood up, reaching out to squeeze her fingers before he went towards the door “ are you gonna be ok on your own for a few minutes?”
“ I’ve spent my whole life alone Nick,” she whispered “ just get me out of here.”
Her words caused his heart to sink inside his chest as he slowly opened the door to exit the room.
Grissom looked up as Nick stepped outside, his whole body on high alert due to his recent discovery.
“ How is she?” he asked quietly as he stood to his feet.
Sighing heavily, Nick turned to him “ She’s going through a lot right now, and I don’t think it’s me she needs to be talking to.”
Grissom caught the look in Nick’s eyes and immediately began the slow withdrawal back into the safety of his denial “ I..”
“ Look she needs someone in there with her Griss,” he said tiredly as he ran a hand over his eyes “ I’m gonna find the doctor, just talk to her, she needs you.”
“ Me?” Grissom spoke worriedly “ I, um, look I’ll find the doctor, you sit with her.”
“ How long are you going to keep doing this to her?” Nick asked him angrily, his words dripping from his tongue in a hushed whisper “ She thinks you hate her.”
Grissom caught his breath as Nick’s words sank into his soul bringing a painful truth to the fore, unleashing his torrid emotions,
“ I don’t hate her,” he told him in a broken whisper “ I don’t.”
“ Then tell her,” Nick ordered, inclining his head towards the door “ I’m gonna find the doc.”
Grissom watched him silently as he walked away, the fear inside his heart almost choking his breathing as he turned to look inside the room through the glass.
Sara had her arms wrapped around her stomach as she half laid half sat up with her head propped up on the pillows. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the door to tentatively enter.
She didn’t move as he approached and half of him hoped she was asleep, releasing him from his burden of speaking the truth to her, but as he approached, he saw that her eyes were open, focused on something in the distance.
“ Hey,” he whispered as he came closer towards her, every step overcame another emotional obstacle until he was standing next to her bed.
“ Sara?” he asked softly, keeping his voice even as he spoke.
Sara felt his presence, his voice and his closeness reaching out to her in her safe sanctuary, causing a flurry of fear to flutter inside her heart as she slowly focused on him. He still managed to take her breath away and she cursed herself for her weakness. Why couldn’t she stop loving him? If she could then the pain would surely go away.
Pushing herself up, she held her hands in her lap and averted her eyes. The ever-present emotions lay behind her lashes as she fought to control the lump riding in her throat.
“ How do you feel?” he asked quietly, his mind reaching out for things to say to her without giving away the feelings he had only recently discovered.
His words seemed to mock her, causing a jolt of sorrow to reach out from somewhere inside her, bringing the wave of hurt to her eyes as she met his briefly “ I don’t know.”
Her voice seemed to spark his heart into overdrive, fueling his actions as he slowly came closer to sit next to her on the bed, close to her but still a safe distance away.
Words didn’t come easily to him where she was concerned, so instead he focused on her hands, her palms turned limply in her lap. Without thinking, he reached out a hand to trace a finger over the scar that stood out against her pale skin.
He felt her gasp as he closed the distance, his eyes watching her face for her reaction, but she refused to meet his eyes.
When he reached in closer and wrapped his hand around hers to thread his fingers through hers, he felt her tremble beside him and suddenly felt the need to protect her.
“ I don’t hate you,” he whispered as he clasped her hand tighter, his own cascading emotions threatening to escape from his eyes as he felt her hands start to shake.
Sara closed her eyes tightly against his closeness. His words reached out to her, easing some of the pain only to be replaced by the ever-present worry that he had spoken in sugarcoated lies.
A tear slipped from beneath her lashes once more to roll down her face but before she could wipe it away, his hand was on her cheek, tenderly turning her face towards him, “ I don’t hate you,” he told her again in a shaky whisper as his eyes found hers, his desperate need to heal the deep cutting wounds he had created bringing turmoil to his eyes.
Sara closed her eyes as she lost herself in his touch, the brief escape from her pain a welcome release as she let his touch wash over her, until the door opened, breaking the tender moment between them.
Sara turned her head away from the intrusion as her doctor came into the room closely followed by Nick. Her first instinct was to prepare for the withdrawal of the man beside her, knowing that he would never let himself be seen by anyone to show any kind of emotions. For a few painful seconds she closed her eyes unable to watch his slow separation from her life. But the separation never came.
Grissom stayed by her side, refusing to take his hand from hers while the doctor came to stand before her.
“ Sorry I took so long Miss Sidle,” he smiled “ I’m Doctor Lees.”
Looking down at the file in his hand, he stepped closer to take hold of her chin, lifting her head upwards while he shone a torch in her eyes. “ That’s a nasty bruise you have there,” he commented as his eyes scanned over the angry welt appearing on her cheekbone. “ Headaches?” he asked, while he took a closer look into her eyes.
“ No,” she muttered, “ when can I get out of here?”
“ She lost consciousness,” Grissom told the doctor as he turned his eyes to see the anger flare in hers. Her fingers clenched around his before she released his hand, pulling away from his touch.
“ I felt sick that’s all,” she protested “ but I’m fine now.”
“ Well let me be the judge of that hmm,” the doctor smiled as he moved a hand to her shoulder, touching it gently for any signs of breaks.
“ Ouch,” she hissed “ goddammit.”
“ Does that hurt?”
“ Yeah of course it hurts,” she muttered “ I fell back on my shoulder before I hit my head.”
“ Ok let me take a look,” he turned towards the two men in the room “ would you both mind stepping outside while I examine the patient.”
Grissom watched for her reaction before he moved away from the bed, his overwhelming need to protect her overtaking all of his logic. He wanted to stay with her, but he knew he had a lot of soul searching to do first before she would open up to him, but after all the pain he had caused her over the past few months, he couldn’t blame her for needing some distance.
As he moved to walk away from the bed, her quiet voice choked out from somewhere deep inside her throat “ Stay.”
All three men turned eyes towards her, and she suddenly felt incredibly raw before their eyes “ Can they stay?” she asked quietly, averting her eyes before they could read hers. “ I er, hospitals make me nervous.”
“ If you want them here,” he nodded.
Grissom’s breath caught inside his throat, he ached to stay but at the same time was terrified that she needed him. These feelings raging inside his heart were all incredibly new and intense all at the same time and he feared that he would be swallowed whole into chaos.
Nick caught sight of the fear dancing in Grissom's eyes and stepped over towards the older man.
“ Griss why don’t you go and see if Brass has arrived,” then turning towards Sara he smiled “ I’ll stay with you ok Sar?”
She nodded mutely, her mouth clenched tightly in pain as the doctor touched her shoulder again.
“ You could be a little more gentle,” Grissom spoke up angrily as he took a step closer “ she’s in pain.”
The fear that had cascaded inside his heart only a few moments ago began to seep away to bring his protectiveness into the fore “ Nicky stay with her, I’ll find Brass and then we’ll get her home.”
Taking one last look at Sara’s closed eyes he stepped closer towards the door and closed it behind him.
“ Sorry about him,” Sara sighed painfully as soon as the door closed.
“ Don’t worry Miss Sidle,” the doctor smiled “ I have this all the time from over protective boyfriends, just relax.”
“ He’s not my..” she started but winced in pain as he lifted her arm. Coming closer, Nick took hold of her free hand, rubbing her fingers gently as he offered her a warm smile.
When the doctor pulled the gown away from her shoulder, Nick gasped loudly. The angry bruise on her shoulder had started to darken into deep purple welts that spread half way across her back.
“ Oh Sar,” he whispered, “ that guy really did a number on you.”
“ Had worse,” she muttered as the doctor pulled the gown back in place.
“ From what I can see,” he smiled “ you have mostly bruising. I’ll prescribe you some pain killers.”
“ Can I go home?” she asked hopefully, willing him to say yes.
“ You lost consciousness,” he told her worriedly “ so I want to keep you here for a few hours.”
“ What?’ she gasped “ but I’m fine.”
“ Just for observation,” he smiled “ I’ll come by and check you over later, if there’s been no change then you can go home.”
Sara closed her eyes mournfully as the doctor left the room. She hated hospitals, and hated staying in them even more.
“ Hey it’s only for a few hours Sar,” Nick soothed as he reached out a hand to her hair “ come on, you might as well lay down and rest up a little.”
“ I just wanna go home,” she moaned miserably as he pulled back the covers for her to climb into the bed.
“ Look, I’ll stay with you if you want,” he grinned “ who needs sleep anyway?”
Easing herself back into the pillows, she winced slightly as her shoulder sank into the softness “ Thanks.”
Grissom made his way towards the hospital exit to scan the line of cars parked in the car park. He saw his own, then a little further along the line, he saw Brass sitting in his.
The other man lifted his hand in greeting while he climbed out of the car “ How is she?” he asked worriedly as he locked the door behind him, “ I only got the message half an hour ago.”
“ Well,” Grissom sighed heavily as he waited for Brass to come and join him “ she’s sore and shaken, but this is Sara, you know how much she hates hospitals.”
Brass regarded his friend for a long moment. Grissom’s jaw was clenching in worry and his posture revealed more about his inadequacy to deal with this situation than his words ever could.
“ She does?” he asked. Pressing further, he watched the mixture of fear and worry cross Grissom’s eyes before he spoke again “ Come to think of it I haven’t worked with you and Sara for months now, what’s the deal with you two?”
Turning sharply, Grissom stared at him blankly, unwilling to reveal these new feelings that waged war inside his heart and soul to anyone else, “ Look, why don’t you just get the details from her, then Nick can get her cloths back to the lab and I can get her out of here.”
“ Hey I’m on your side,” Brass grinned as they began to walk back inside the hospital.
“ She’s hurt bad Jim,” Grissom spoke softly, his voice revealing his inner turmoil “ I can’t help thinking that this could have been a lot worse.”
“ Well lucky for us it wasn’t,” Brass told him solemnly “ we don’t need another Holly Gribbs incident on our hands.”
Brass’ words sent a sudden shockwave of fear coursing through Grissom’s veins. All this time, Holly hadn’t even crossed his mind, but now, now that he thought of what could have happened. His breath suddenly caught inside his throat as he struggled to breathe, he’d come too close to losing her this time.
“ You ok?” Brass asked worriedly as he caught sight of Grissom’s pale features.
“ Yeah,” he breathed, expelling the constricting airways to somewhere near normal.
“ She’ll be ok Gil,” he told him reassuringly “ this is Sara, she always bounces back remember?”
“ We’re here,” Grissom spoke, stopping outside the closed door before he turned to look towards his friend “ Can you get this over with quickly so I can take her home?”
“ You know I will,” Jim nodded, a smile reaching his eyes as he spoke.
Satisfied with his answer, Grissom looked through the glass window before opening the door slowly to step inside.
Nick looked up as they entered. His hand was entwined in Sara’s as she lay on her side, her eyes closed. His thumb gently rubbed her fingers while he turned his eyes back to her face “ Sar,” he whispered, coaxing open her tired eyes “ they’re here.”
Grissom watched with alarm as she turned onto her back to look over towards them, her eyes avoiding his, as she spoke “The doctor won’t let me go home.”
Grissom felt something give way inside his heart as he stepped closer towards the bed. He wanted to reach out and hold her close to reassure her that this wouldn’t be forever, but he knew it was all too soon.
“ Nick?” he asked, turning his eyes towards the younger man at t r side. He tried to control the new feelings of inadequacy that found their way inside him. Here he was to bare witness to Sara’s closeness to Nick, something that he had always had problems with himself, and the fact that he was touching her.
“ It’s just for observation Griss,” Nick told him quietly, his gaze drawn to Sara’s pale face as he spoke “ he’s gonna check her over in a few hours.”
Stepping further inside the room, Brass came closer towards the bed “ Hey Sara,” he smiled “ how you feeling?”
“ I’m fine,” she muttered.
“ Ok,” he nodded, recognizing the stubbornness that was distinctly Sara “ well how about you tell me what happened?”
“ I’m sorry,” she sighed as she closed her eyes “ I didn’t see his face.”
“ Well anything else that could help us?” he pressed, knowing that the investigator inside her would take over if she opened up to herself.
Sara closed her eyes tightly as she thought back to the incident, surrounding herself with sounds and smells, until it hit her suddenly “ He smelt sweet, sickly sweet.”
“ Good,” Brass nodded as he wrote it down “ anything else?”
“ Yeah, his fist,” she muttered, reprimanding herself before she spoke again “ his hand was huge and his knuckles looked like they were worn away.”
“ Worn away?” he asked confused.
“ Yeah, you know, hard, like he’d been in a fight and they’d healed,” opening her eyes, she looked over to Brass, her eyes suddenly aware “ he wasn’t after me, he wanted my jacket. He tried to pull it off me before he ran off, but all he got was my pager….” Her voice drifted away as she spoke, her haunted eyes closing against the images inside her mind.
“ Ok sara,” Brass smiled “ is there anything else? Anything?”
She fought inside the dark recesses, going over the events frame by frame until she found the one clue that could turn this around. Opening her eyes, she focused on Brass “ He was a street person.”
“ You’re sure?”
“ Yeah I’m sure he was,” she whispered “ his fist was dirty.”
“ Ok, I’ll get back and start running with this,” he told her as he moved towards the door “ Gil, you want a ride back with me?”
Hearing his name mentioned, Grissom tore his eyes away from Sara’s still form “ No,” he said softly “ Nick you take Sara’s cloths back to the lab, I’m staying here.”
“ Ok,” he nodded as he felt Sara’s hand clench his tighter. Standing up, he leant over to kiss her forehead before she loosened her grip on his fingers “ Talk to him,” he whispered into her ear before he took a step back. “ Feel better,” he told her as he moved towards Grissom “ call me if you need me ok.”
Grissom watched Nick and Brass leave, nodding silently before he walked over towards the chair that Nick had only just vacated. Easing himself down, he watched her silently before snaking out his hand to link his fingers through hers.
Sara kept her eyes towards the ceiling, unwilling to allow the man beside her to read the wavering emotions in her eyes. The last few months had been slowly eroding away her soul, grinding her down until she could no longer feel anymore.
She had come to terms with the fact that Grissom had no feelings where she was concerned, something that had been finalized so long ago.
But now, here he was confusing the reasoning that she had lived with for so long, breaking down her defenses and crumbling the heart that only half lived inside her.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to focus on all the times when she had chosen to be strong; to cast him from her life, but it was hopeless. He had broken through the painful boundary that she had refused to let him tear away, taking everything that made her who she had become along with it. He still held her heart in his hands and no amount of pulling away was effective anymore.
She felt him stroking his thumb across her fingers, filling her with a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in such a long time, but she couldn’t let him fool her again with the games he loved to play with her heart, she couldn’t cope with his refusal to be near her any longer.
“ What are you thinking?” he asked, his voice cutting through her thoughts.
What should she tell him? The truth? The truth that he had managed to break her into a thousand pieces? She could feel the sorrow building up inside her, its overwhelming power tearing her apart as she fought to control the torrid emotions ready to pour from inside her soul.
Grissom watched her carefully; her face seemed to grow paler over the last few minutes. Bringing up his other hand, he enveloped her small hand between his.
“ Talk to me please,” he whispered, her silence scaring him more than anything he had ever felt before.
Sara closed her eyes against his words as she fought for control. Her emotions winning the everlasting struggle to dominate her soul as a tear leaked out from the corner of her eyes, until she couldn’t keep the heartbreaking sorrow from emerging any longer.
“ What do you want me to say?” she whispered through a trembling voice, her bottom lip quivering as she spoke.
“ Sara,” he sighed sadly, his eyes dropping to their clasped hands “ I want you to be happy.”
Sara’s breath caught on a sob, her sorrow drowning her heart into pain as she heard his words wash over her. He wanted her to be happy?
Keeping her eyes closed, she sniffed back the tears in her eyes as she spoke, her voice heartbreakingly low “ You took it all away.”
“ I took what away?” he asked worriedly, as he pulled his chair closer towards her bed, letting go of her hand for a moment as he did.
Sara gasped at the loss of contact, cursing herself for needing his touch so much when he didn’t care about her. Pulling her hand away, she moved onto her side to face away from him so she could unleash her pain without having to face his pitying gaze.
“ Sara?” he asked again, his hands missing her touch as he fought to clear the thumping of his heart rampaging through his body “ please, tell me what I took away?”
His words flowed through her body bringing pain in their wake. Was he immune to her pain when it was so apparent to everyone else around her? Did he really not know that he had been slowly killing her over this passed year? Her whole body shook as she tried to speak, her voice coming out in a ragged whisper that brought a fresh onslaught of pain to sour through her already gaping wounds.
“ Me,” she whispered painfully, her voice shaking with every breath she took “ you took my happiness away.” Her words drowned her senses in sorrow until she couldn’t control the anguish any longer. One shuddering breath followed another until she was overwhelmed in uncontrollable tears that coursed through her body leaving painful tremors in their wake.
Grissom looked on horrified as she crumbled before his eyes. He wanted to reach out and comfort her but he didn’t know what to say. How could he tell her that he had been blind for so long? That he craved her presence when he was alone, that he longed to just bask in her shadow if only she would let him.
“ I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice shaking with emotion as he moved a hand out to her side to lie it on her heated body “ I’m so sorry.”
“ You don’t even know do you?” she whispered brokenly through tears as she held herself tightly “ you don’t know why you’re sorry.”
“ I,” he started, but stopped as he tried to focus on her words. She was right of course, he didn’t know the full extent to her anguish, but he knew he had to push forward if they were going to get through this, “ Help me to understand,” he pleaded, moving his hand further over her side as he urged her to move onto her back “ I need you to help me.”
Closing her eyes, Sara followed his hand to roll slowly onto her back, wincing as her bruised shoulder touched the pillows. The pain shot through her back, bringing a curse to her lips, numbing her tears.
“ You don’t care about me,” she whispered as a stray tear slid from the corner of her eyes.
Sitting forward, he clasped her hand in his, desperate for her to face him as her words sought out his soul, impaling him deeply.
“ I do care Sara,” he told her, squeezing her hand “ I just don’t know how to…” he closed his eyes, fighting to find the right words “ I don’t know what to do with what I feel.”
“ Why are you even here?” she said softly as she turned her head away from him “ I can’t play your games anymore Grissom, I don’t have anything left for you to take.”
“ Sara?” he tried again, swallowing his uncertainty as he spoke, “I don’t know what to do.”
“ Do the same as always Grissom,” she told him through ragged breaths “ do nothing.”
“ Sara?”
“ I’m so tired of your lies,” she told him brokenly as she closed her eyes against the tears “ I can’t take it anymore ok? Just stop already and let me breath.”
Her words haunted his heart with perfect clarity as the truth soared painfully through his chest. Sitting up closer. He reached for her hand, holding it tightly as he took a deep breath “ Sara, I’m not very good at relationships, you know that.”
“ I asked you to have dinner,” she told him through bitter tears “ I didn’t ask you to commit to me, jeeze if I knew you hated me so much I wouldn’t have ever asked you. Look,” she sniffed, halting the wetness in her eyes as she spoke “ why don’t you go back to your bugs, I’ll transfer away somewhere and you can forget all about me.”
Grissom clasped her hand tighter in his as her words brought tears to his eyes “ I don’t hate you and I don’t want to forget you.”
“ Haven’t you forgotten me already?” she whispered brokenly as she turned her head away “ You treat me like some kind of disease, you leave without saying a word, and you say you don’t hate me?” Closing her eyes she pulled her hand from his grasp “ Please leave Griss, I can’t forget about you if you don’t leave me alone.”
“ Forget?’ he asked shakily, drawing in a breath as he spoke “ I don’t hate you, and I’m so sorry I made you think I did.”
“ You didn’t have to make me think it Griss, you made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want me anywhere near you, and I’ve tried to make myself understand you for so long,” tears slipped from her lashes as she spoke sadly, her heart aching “ I keep going back in my mind, over and over but I can’t think what I did to make you so mad at me, I still don’t know what I did.”
“ You didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispered.
“ So what is it then Grissom?” she asked, her voice sparking in anger as she turned her head to face him “ You enjoy ripping my heart out and stamping all over it? Well you’ve broken me, congratulations, you happy now?”
“ Sara?” He gasped, his eyes searching her tired eyes as he spoke. He was overwhelmed with her sadness as she reached out to him with painful tears, and he found himself reaching for her with his hand, desperate to touch her “ Please listen to me?”
“ You don’t have to say anything,” she sighed sadly, all the anger dying away from her eyes to leave emptiness behind, “ just tell me one thing ok?”
“ Anything,” he nodded, sitting up closer.
“ Did you ever care about me?”
For a long moment he sat in stunned silence, his heart constricting his breath as it beat loudly inside his ears. Sitting closer to her, he opened his mouth to speak only to close it again as the words died on his lips.
Sara closed her eyes and turned her head away from him, his silence providing her with the painful answer that she had known deep down inside all along “ Please leave.”
Lifting his eyes he struggled to keep the wetness away, his liquid emotion so overwhelming inside his heart. Reaching over towards her, he took hold of one of her hands, stroking her fingers gently as he fought to find the right words to say.
Sara gasped with his touch, a sob catching in her throat as she struggled with the aching truth “ Please don’t do this to me anymore,” she whispered, her voice cracking under the intense strain “ I can’t do this.”
“ Sara,” he gasped brokenly, grasping her hand tighter as a single tear broke free from his eyes to roll painfully down his cheek “ I did, I do.”
Tears escaped her eyes, rolling down her cheeks to fall into her hair “ I wish I could believe you,” she whispered, her voice drowning in sorrow “, I don’t know what to do.”
“ Trust me,” he told her, the urgency in his voice causing her to turn her head towards him. She wanted to trust him, and her heart ached to believe his beautiful words, but how could she be sure this time? As she looked over his sad face, she was struck by the sorrow emanating from deep within his eyes. Reaching over towards him with her free hand, she touched his wet face delicately with her finger, tracing the tears down his cheek. She found her eyes drawn to his, seeking the truth inside his deep blue depths.
“ I’m so tired of this,” she whispered, her words struggling through the emotion in her voice. Her head hurt with aching numbness, closing her heart into darkness as she sought to sift the truth from his mountain of lies. How could she trust a man who had hurt her so many times again and again?
“ I’m sorry I did this to you, I’m so sorry Sara,” he spoke softly, drawing her back to him with his words “ tell me what I can do to make things right between us, tell me and I’ll do it.”
Closing her eyes, she took in a shaking breath, her heart waging a war against the logical part of her brain “ I don’t know if you can fix this Griss, I don’t know anything anymore.”
“ Just,” he sighed, his voice caught in heavy emotion as he spoke “ please just give me the chance to try?”
“ You need to leave now,” she told him in a whisper, her mind screaming at her through the agonizing confusion that battled with her heart. She needed time to think things through, to reason with her mind.
“ No,” he told her quietly, his stubborn defiance shining through his words as he held on tighter to her hands, “ I’m not leaving you.”
“ You left me a long time ago Grissom,” she whispered, unable to keep the words slipping from her lips as she pulled her hand from his “ please leave me alone.”
“ No,” he repeated, “ I told you I wasn’t leaving.”
“ What do you want from me?” she moaned miserably as she rolled over onto her side, careful to not jar her shoulder as she turned away from him.
“ I want a second chance.”
“ I gave you a hundred chances,” she whispered tearfully as his words washed over her unleashing more sorrow inside her.
“ Then give me one more,” he answered, hope filling his voice as he shuffled closer to touch her back. He felt her tense beneath his fingers, her whole body unwilling to grant him the closeness he craved “ That’s all I’m asking Sara.”
“ Until the next time,” she told him softly; careful to hide the emotions in her voice, but as every second ticked slowly by she became more and more overwhelmed with the heartache coursing throughout her heart, “ I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”
“ Then let me try to give it back to you,” he pleaded, his words reaching out to her “ please let me try.”
“ Are you leaving?” she asked, ignoring his words as she spoke.
“ No.”
“ Then let me sleep,” she told him, hoping she could silence his words into submission, but she only succeeded in bringing him closer.
“ You sleep,” he whispered as he gently brushed his fingers over her arm “ I’m not going anywhere.”
She listened quietly for the next few minutes, pretending to sleep as she fought for the control of her heart. His warm hands stroked her back, emanating a wonderful heat throughout her tired, broken body and she found herself even more confused that she had ever been.
How many times had she trusted him after he gave her a tiny morsel of a smile, or brushed her skin? How man times had she handed over her heart to him only for him to tear it apart before her eyes?
She loved him so much, even after everything he had put her through and despite the fact that she tried desperately to relinquish his control over her, she couldn’t escape him.
Part of her wanted to reach out and hold him, to forgive him everything and give him the chance he wanted, but that side of her battled within her, rearing up with conjured images of all the times he had burned her with his endless denial.
Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, seeking release from the endless maze of loss that taunted her heart over and over again.
His voice startled her, his inner pain reaching out from behind his mask to coax her heart into acceptance. He spoke in no more than a whisper as he stroked her back, his heartfelt words reaching into her soul as he poured out his heart to her.
“ I know you think I did what I did to hurt you,” he whispered softly “ and I don’t know how to make things right between us, but you deserve the truth from me before you hear it from someone else.”
Sara held her breath, should she speak and reveal that she wasn’t asleep or keep silent? While she fought with her turmoil, he spoke again.
“ First of all, I thought you was in a relationship with that EMT and I just assumed you had moved on. He could give you everything that I couldn’t,” he sighed heavily as he flexed his fingers on her back “ I admit I was more than a little hurt, I’d always felt that we had something between us, but you had chosen someone else, and I decided to give you distance.”
He fell silent for a moment and Sara thought that he had finished speaking until she heard his indecision as he spoke again.
“ Catherine told me what he did to you. You were always too good for him Sara. Yeah I know it’s easy for me to say that when you went through all the pain, but I really am sorry he hurt you.”
Sara took a deep breath, sniffing back the beginnings of tears as she turn over to face him “ I never loved him,” she whispered.
He stared at her for a long moment, her words coaxing him closer as he reached his hand over to stroke her hair.
“ What about you?” she asked softly, fear striking inside her heart as she spoke “ do you love her?”
Grissom looked up sharply, his eyes finding hers as confusion crossed his eyes “ Her? Who?”
She closed her eyes before she spoke again, the name bubbling inside her head bringing nausea along with it “ Lady Heather.”
She heard him gasp with the mention of her name and was almost too afraid to open her eyes to see the truth in his eyes, but his voice broke through her fear.
“ I was lost in the moment,” he admitted sadly “ I needed an escape and she provided me with one. There was no love there Sara, I promise you.”
“ What do you want from me?” she asked softly, repeating the question she had asked him earlier “ I don’t know where I fit into your life anymore, or if I ever did.”
“ I want us to try and work through this,” he told her as he threaded his fingers through her hair “ I want you to know me.”
“ I thought I knew you once,” she told him as she averted her eyes “ but you never let anyone in, well no, you never let me in anymore.”
“ I’m letting you in now,” he told her, his voice barely a whisper as he stroked her arm with his free hand “ I have something I want to share with you.”
“ What happens when you decided I’m no good for you again? I won’t get close to you so you can push me away again,” she looked him directly in his eyes, telling him with one look that she wouldn’t be fooled again.
“ I won’t,” he promised “ but I need to explain to you why I left, and where I was,” his hand stilled on her arm as he spoke, waiting for her reply before he told her the truth.
She regarded him for a long moment; his touch soothing her into what she hoped wasn’t a false security. Reaching over a hand, she stilled his on her arm causing him to look into her eyes.
“ Talk,” she told him, simple and to the point, conveying with just one word that she was ready to listen.
He regarded her for a long moment before taking a deep breath “ Have you ever heard of Otosclerosis?” he asked softly as he found her eyes again.
“ I,” she started “ is it an illness?”
“ Yes, my mother has it, and so do I.”
“ What?” she gasped, pulling on his hand urgently, urging him to look at her “ Are you ok?”
Her concern touched him deeply; causing his heart to stir as he threaded his fingers through hers “ I am now yes.”
“ But?” she shook her head confused. Her heart began to beat so loudly in her ears that she had to struggle to control her rising fear. He was sick and she didn’t know? His voice broke through her heartbreak, easing her fear as she looked into his eyes.
“ I was losing my hearing,” he told her softly, watching her eyes for their reaction “ I spent the last four weeks recovering from surgery.”
Sara watched him silently, sudden tears building in her eyes, how could she have not known? “ Why didn’t you tell us?” she asked desperately, her fingers clasping his hand in hers “ I would have stayed with you, any one of us would have.”
A single tear slipped from beneath her lashes to cause a wet track down her cheek as she squeezed his hand in hers, her soft movements causing him to search her face.
“ Hey,” he smiled as he moved his hand from her hair to wipe the tears away “ what’s the tears for?”
“ You went through this on your own?” she sniffed, her heart aching to draw him into her love and heal him from his pain. All this time she thought that he only had a problem with her and it wasn’t her at all.
“ It was my problem,” he shrugged, “ I didn’t want to burden anyone else with it.”
“ But you’re not a burden Griss,” she told him brokenly as her heart shattered inside her chest “ don’t you know by now that whatever hurts you hurts me too?”
“ Sara,” he sighed, closing his eyes before he tried to speak again, but found he couldn’t.
“ I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly as he fell silent “ I always seem to say the wrong things don’t I?” Pulling her hand away from his she closed her eyes against the outpouring of grief that desperately tried to escape her heart “ I know you don’t feel that way about me.”
Her words caught his heart inside their vice like grip, causing his breath to leave his body in a deep shuddering gasp before he reached out for her again, needing her touch “ I do know,” he whispered, bringing her eyes back towards his “ I know because seeing you like this, hurt and in pain, and knowing I’m the cause….”
“ Don’t,” she sniffed through tears “ can we not do this now?”
“ I need you to know sara,” he told her, clasping her hand closer to his face, relishing the softness against his skin as he pressed his lips to her fingers. He felt her shudder beneath his hand, a soft tremble that cascaded throughout her entire body as she sought to control her breathing.
“ I know,” she told him as she brushed one of her fingers against his lips in wonder, loosing herself inside the depths of his eyes “ but not here, not now.”
“ Why not? You’re always the one who wants to get things out in the open,” he smiled, feeling some of the aching pain ease away from his heart when he saw a hint of a smile cross her sad face.
“ And you’re always the one in denial,” she countered, her heart melting under his gaze as he once again pushed the pain aside to take hold of her heart to reel her in towards him.
“ This time it’s different,” he told her, his finger tracing her lips as he spoke “ I’m different.”
“ What if I’m not ready?” she asked, the fear inside her heart creeping back into her words as the past came back to haunt her with powerful images.
“ I’ll wait,” he told her simply as he slowly released her hand to move away from her. His intentions had been to leave her to rest, but her closeness enticed him, his heart needing her presence like he needed to breath, but as he pulled away from her, she reached for him again
Sudden awareness struck her from somewhere deep inside her as she struggled to sit up “ Where are you going?”
“ I’m going to see if I can track down your doctor,” he told her softly before he moved back towards her to help her sit up “ see if we can get you out of here.”
He leant in close to her, wrapping his arms around her to pull her upwards. The second his arms closed around her, she started to tremble with anticipation. Being so close to him caused her heart to burst, casting all the pain aside as she relished in the feel of him surrounding her body.
Grissom too was having trouble breathing, his whole body screamed out for her touch, his need for her becoming apparent as he slowly pulled away from her warmth to gaze down into her eyes.
He was so close to her now; close enough to feel his breath on her face. She searched his blue depths, reaching down inside his soul to find the answers she desperately needed to heal the deep wounds he had caused her. He had never let her in this close to him before and she felt herself drowning in the answers that washed over her body with perfect clarity. The knowledge of his feelings healing her heart with slow gentleness.
“ Griss?” she whispered softly as he smiled down into her eyes, his own need to find her truth reaching out to him, drawing her deeper into his heart.
He leaned in closer to her, delighted with the tiny gasp that escaped her lips as he pressed his lips to her cheek, her skin burning him. He was losing his battle for control as he lost himself in the feel of her. Her sweetness called out to him, enticing him to linger closer to her than he had intended. Pulling back slowly, he struggled to find his voice, anything to stop his need to kiss her again “ I..um..”
“ Find the doctor,” she whispered as she focused on his lips before drifting back up to his eyes again “ get me out of here.”
He nodded numbly, her closeness causing his whole body to react in ways that he had long been unaccustomed to and he had to force himself to move away.
These new feelings floating around inside him were both exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. He knew they needed to talk, to clear the distance between them before they could come together and heal the wounds that still raged deeply within them.
“ Ok,” he nodded, backing away towards the door, his eyes unwilling to break with hers until he was forced to.
Sara’s heart sank when the door closed behind him. She was so confused she didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. All she did know was that when he had come in so close to her, it had felt so right, so intoxicating. She loved him, that much was apparent and that’s why he still caused her so much pain. She could feel her resolve slipping away from her and the barriers she had erected to protect herself from him crumbling away to leave her fully open to him once more. She fought with her inner demons, battling with her love and her sorrow. What if he rejected her again? Could she still go on working with him?
With a heavy sigh, she closed her eyes against the feelings that refused to leave her heart.
Grissom wandered over towards the reception desk, determination marked with every stride as he neared. Waiting patiently, he watched while the charge nurse finished her telephone conversation before he spoke.
“ Hi my name is Gil Grissom, I’m with Sara Sidle in room 5,” he leant closer over the desk, smiling his most charming smile before continuing “ I was wondering when Doctor Lees was scheduled to examine her again.”
“ Let me check,” she smiled up at him, her eyes flitting between the computer screen and his eyes “ I can’t see anything on the screen, but I could page him for you.”
“ Oh that would be great,” he smiled as he caught sight of her name badge “ Cindy.”
“ It’s my pleasure,” she blushed, her cheeks reddening as she turned her eyes away.
“ I’ll go back and wait with Sara,” he smiled “ will you ask him to meet us there?”
“ Of course,” she nodded, her eyes following as he turned to walk away.
Sara looked up as the door opened, a smile returning to her face as he came into the room and closed the door behind him.
“ The nurse at the front desk is going to page him for us,” he told her as he came to sit in his still warm chair.
“ Really?” she asked, a smile forming on her lips as she spoke “ I didn’t know they did that sort of thing.”
“ Ah,” he grinned, “ you have to know how to ask.”
“ Gil Grissom, I don’t believe you,” she exclaimed, a huge smile gracing her pale face “ you leave me for two minutes and you’re hitting on the nursing staff?”
“ Hey if it gets you out of here sooner then I’ll do anything,” he told her as he reached for her hands to thread his fingers through hers.
They fell into a comfortable silence once more as she stroked his fingers gently with her own. A wave of contentment washed over her body as she settled into his touch, his closeness mending some of the aching wounds that gaped painfully open, searching for his love to close them again.
Her need for him scared her as she looked up into his eyes. She couldn’t change the fact that she loved him, her adoration always came back to grasp her heart, its overwhelming emotions causing her whole body to shake within her. Clasping his hand tighter, she smiled up at him, “ Is everything ok now?” she asked quietly as her eyes drifted down to their intertwined hands “ with your hearing I mean.”
Her words reached deep inside his heart, her concern warming him with a slow delicious burn. He let his gaze washed over her, igniting something deep down inside his heart. She had always been by his side through everything, standing firm, protecting him from situations she couldn’t possibly control and all he had done was push her away, time and time again, hurting her deeply in the process.
Lifting their joined hands to his lips, he pressed a small kiss on her fingers before meeting her eyes “ I have to go back for regular hearing tests, but yeah, for now everything is ok.”
Sara nodded mutely; her eyes focused on the skin his lips hand just burned. How could this be happening to her now? She had spent the last few months erecting walls around her heart with careful avoidance, only to have him break them down with his words.
“ I’m glad,” she smiled softly, dropping her gaze back towards their joined hands.
“ Are you ok?” he asked quietly, leaning in closer towards her as he spoke “ How’s your shoulder?”
“ Stiff,” she smiled as she lifted her head to face him, instantly caught in his gaze. A silent understanding passed between them to convey every feeling, every touch in something so pure and powerful it almost took her breath away.
“ I have so much I need to tell you,” he whispered, his fingers stroking her hands as he spoke “ I need to explain why I acted the way I did.”
“ Shh,” she told him softly, reaching up a finger to press against his lips “ not here.”
His eyes met hers again and he found himself drowning in her deep brown eyes, willingly falling down into her depths. She had an amazing effect over his heart, causing him to feel like a teenager again on a first date. Pressing his lips against her finger that was still laying delicately against his mouth, he placed a kiss on it, delighted with the smile that crossed her face as she pulled away slowly to return her gaze towards his lips.
He wanted to kiss her so badly, needing to take her breath from her, to meet her soul and mend her wounds with his love, so leaning closer, he pressed a soft kiss on the side of her cheek, almost touching her mouth. Her skin called out to him, her softness enticing him closer as he lost himself in her touch. His heart raced wildly inside his chest as they lingered together, their breath becoming laboured and slow as he lost all rational thoughts and found himself kissing the same spot with another delicate kiss.
Sara’s heart was pounding inside her chest; he was so close to her now, so close that she could feel his warm breath breathing near her ear. Closing her eyes, she reveled in his closeness, seeking his warmth, only to whimper as he slowly drew away from her, taking his intoxicating closeness with him to leave her missing his touch.
Opening her eyes, she gazed into his, silently urging him back to her with a gentle pull on his hands, her need to touch him overpowering all logical thoughts inside her.
He watched her eyes closely as he tried to read the emotions that were rising inside them. He felt her gentle pull on his hands, closing the distance between them as she leant towards him, her eyes closing as she placed a soft kiss enticingly slow and so very very close to his lips. Her soft gasp caused Grissom’s whole body to shake with anticipation as he leant in closer, unwilling to leave her warmth for even a moment. She was so close to his lips now, he could feel her warm breath mingling with his. All he had to do was turn ever so slightly and he could drown in her sweetness and show her with his love how much she meant to him, but he stayed still, letting her take this as far as she wanted it to go. The last thing he wanted to do after all he had caused her was to scare her with his need, so he waited.
Sara closed her eyes as she relished his closeness. The soft stubble on his face scratched delicately against her cheek, enticing so may elicit feelings to stir inside her body. His closeness scared her and enlightened her all at the same time and she didn’t want to move for fear of breaking the spell between them.
A knock sounded on the door and they slowly pulled away from each other, their faces flushed. Grissom kept hold of her hands, entwining his fingers into hers, unable to break the bond that held them so tightly together.
The door opened slowly, revealing the familiar face of Sara’s doctor. A huge smile was gracing his face as he stepped into the room, “ I hear you’re feeling better.”
“ I am,” she smiled, afraid to move incase she jarred her shoulder and he would see the pain in her eyes, so she kept still, willing him to discharge her.
“ I’ve been with her the whole time,” Grissom offered “ she’s had no nausea or dizziness.” He felt her squeeze his hand and turned to look into her eyes. What he saw there almost caused him to catch his breath and fall down beside her on his knee’s. She offered him so much with one of her smiles, something that he could have lost forever through his carelessness.
In that one moment he would have willingly given her everything he possessed, anything to hold her close to him again. His thoughts swirled around his heart, keeping her love buried inside him as the doctor’s voice broke through his dreams.
“ Well it’s been four hours,” he smiled as he stepped closer towards them, his eyes turning towards Sara, “ I need to examine you again before I can release you ok?”
“ Fine,” she nodded, releasing Grissom’s hands reluctantly as he moved his chair away to give the doctor room to step in closer.
Tilting her head backwards, the doctor shone the torch into her eyes, silently nodding to himself before he returned the torch to his pocket. “ How’s the shoulder?”
“ A little stiff,” she told him honestly “ but it’s ok.”
“ Well,” he smiled “ as long as your boyfriend here accompanies you home, then I will release you.”
“ He’s not my….” She started, only to be interrupted by a soft cough as Grissom stood up to move closer towards her bed.
“ I intend to doctor,” he smiled as he reached for her hand again, his fingers once again closing protectively around hers, “ I’ll make sure she’s safely home and not overdoing things.”
“ Good,” he nodded as he moved towards the door “ the nurse at the front desk will have your release papers ready for you to sign on your way out. If you feel any discomfort at all..”
“ I’ll come right back,” she smiled, squeezing Grissom’s hand in excitement as she spoke.
“ You take care now,” the doctor told her as he left the room, offering them a smile before he closed the door behind him.
As soon as they were alone, Sara turned a beaming smile in his direction “ You are amazing,” she told him as she leant forward to place a kiss on his lips, taking both of them by surprise as the electricity coursed throughout their bodies.
The kiss took them both by complete surprise, drawing them both to peaks of passion that neither had been ready to accept. Sara pulled back slowly, her face reddening as she moved away from him “ I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Reaching out to her, he caught hold of her hand, pulling her back to him gently before she could make her escape.
“ I’m not sorry,” he told her softly, his voice deepening as he focused on her lips “ I’ve already made way too many mistakes in my life already.”
“ But..”
“ Shh,” he told her softly as his hands came up to cup her face, holding her gently so he could gaze into her eyes “ let’s get you out of here ok?”
She fought to find her voice, but her words became tangled inside her. She wanted to tell him everything, to share all that she had felt for him in the past, but she knew deep down inside that whatever she had been going through this past year was way too deep to explain with just one kiss.
She felt his fingers begin their sensual touch on her cheeks, causing her knees to grow weak beneath her. She needed to pull back, to break his spell over her, but she couldn’t look away from his gaze.
“ I,” she started, her voice croaking as she spoke “ I need to get dressed.”
He smiled in response to her denial, his fingers continuing their gentle strokes over her skin. He watched her eyes flutter closed as he slowly grazed her lips with his thumbs, his own heart racing as he fought to control his breathing.
Her lips called out to him, their softness beckoning him closer as he dipped his head slowly, to press a soft kiss to her lips before pulling away just as quickly.
Sara opened her eyes slowly as his lips left hers, his gentle push away from him causing her whole body to cry out with his loss and she fought to keep herself from reaching for him again.
“ I’ll leave you to change,” he smiled softly as he moved away from her to walk towards the door “ I’ll be outside if you need me ok?”
Sara nodded mutely, her mouth suddenly dry. What was this power he held over her anyway?
A few minutes later she had located her cloths and successfully managed to pull on her jeans without many problems. As she slowly pulled the gown from her shoulders, she saw for the first time the angry bruise that enveloped her shoulders to cast purple and black patterns over her skin.
Her mind cast back to the fist that came in her direction, causing her to flinch as the memory hit her full force. She had been so preoccupied with her own inner thoughts that she hadn’t been paying attention, maybe if she had she’d have heard her attacker’s approach.
Closing her eyes, she blinked back the sheen of tears that glazed over her. It could have been so much worse, she mused, but she had been lucky, very lucky.
Sighing heavily, she returned her attention to her remaining cloths laid out on the bed. Reaching down she pulled her bra from the small pile and slowly pulled a strap over her shoulders. She tried to reach behind to fasten it but her shoulder screamed out in pain, stilling her movements until she gave up the battle. For a brief moment she considered calling Grissom, but decided against it, for one she needed to keep her modesty intact and two, he would probably run away from her, bolting like lightening if he knew he had to touch her.
Thinking logically, she let the bra hang loosely from her body, unclasped, while she reached down for her shirt. As she pulled it on, she noticed it was practically see through, so going without anything underneath was not an option. She found herself berating her actions. When had she packed this shirt in her spare set of cloths? What had she been thinking? She knew she didn’t have to think back too far because she knew exactly why she’s packed it and the reason was stood outside in the hallway.
With a resignated sigh, she fastened the buttons, deciding she’d ask one of the nurses to do the clasp for her before she left.
Grissom stood outside, waiting patiently before he gave a tentative knock on her door. Hearing her soft voice, he smiled as he pushed the door. Opening it slowly, he poked his head inside “ Are you done?”
Sara looked up as she closed the last button, a smile gracing her face as she saw him, “ Yeah, you can come in now.”
Opening the door wider, he stepped fully inside and found his gaze drifting appreciatively over her. Her low cut shirt almost caused his blood pressure to skyrocket and he had to forcefully pull his eyes away.
“ Can you do something for me?” she asked softly, breaking through his erotic visions to bring his eyes back to her.
“ Of course,” he smiled, hoping that the passion in his heart hadn’t escaped into his eyes as he stepped closer.
“ I..um.. I kinda need one of the nurses to help me finish dressing,” her face flushed red as she spoke, she hoped he would get it and not ask questions, but when she felt him move closer, she almost lost her balance.
“ Can I do it for you?” he asked softly, his eyes drifting closely into hers.
“ Um, I,” she stuttered, “ I um can’t fasten, my,” her words drifted away as he moved around her, coming to a stop behind her back.
“ I think I can manage that,” he told her, his voice strangely low as his finger reached beneath her shirt, touching her soft skin with trembling hands. He knew the second he grazed her bare skin that he was in trouble. She caused all kinds of erotic images to flow into his mind with just a mere touch, and every second her remained close to her, he felt himself falling deeper and deeper into her heart.
Sara too was trying to overcome his powerful effect on her. His touch could ignite her with a passionate fire that no one else had ever been capable of evoking inside of her before, and now as he gently touched her skin, she felt herself shiver as he pulled the clasp together, his hands lingering on her bare back for a moment before pulling them away.
“ There,” he told her, his voice a husky low as he struggled to pull himself away from her body “ Anything else you need me to do?”
“ I,” she sighed, his heavenly scent still causing havoc with her senses as she struggled to control her thoughts. With careful distraction, she reached into her bag to pull out her brush, “ I just have to brush my hair.”
“ I can do that for you,” he smiled, taking the brush from her hands as he positioned himself around her to pull the brush through her soft strands.
Sara’s eyes closed as his closeness washed over her, causing her heart to thump wildly inside her chest. This man had so much power over her; she could hardly keep in control of her actions. So instead, she leaned back into his body, relishing his closeness while he smoothed first her brush then his fingers over her hair.
Her warmth soaked into his body, drawing him in closer to her. He let his fingers drift from her hair, down her slender shoulders, being careful of her bruises.
“ You ready to get out of here?’ he whispered, his breath close to her ear as he spoke. He felt her tremble beneath his touch, her body aching for his closeness. Stepping away, he broke their contact, immediately missing her warmth.
Sara’s eyes opened when she felt him distance himself from her body, his sudden loss aching her heart as she slowly turned to face him.
She met his gaze, her eyes conveying everything she felt, and in this one precious moment she realized she had never loved him more than she did right now.
“ I’m ready,” she whispered, her lips turning into a slight smile as she stepped towards the bed, her hand reaching out for her small sports bag, only to have him sweep it away from her.
“ No lifting,” he told her, his smile melting her heart as he moved towards the door to pull it open “ come on, let’s get you home.”
“ I’m fine Griss,” she told him as she tried to feign annoyance, but he saw right through her façade and held out his hand for hers. She eyed him cautiously at first until he stepped closer, leaning in towards her, dangerously close to her lips.
“ Come on,” he smiled, “ I need you to protect me from the nurse I had to sweet talk to get you out of here.”
“ Sweet talk?” she laughed incredulously “ You? Gil Grissom?”
“ Hey I’ll have you know that when needs must, then I can deliver,” he grinned down at her, reaching out for her again, until she took his hand in hers.
“ Ok,” she told him, “ I’ll protect you from the bad lady, but remember you owe me one.”
“ I owe you many,” he whispered softly, his voice betraying his emotions as he led her out of the room and towards the front desk.
Cindy looked up from her desk when they approached, the welcoming smile dying on her lips as she saw their clasped hands.
“ Hi Cindy,” he smiled, doing his best to ooze his charm over towards her “ Doctor Lees said we had to come to you to sign Sara’s release forms.”
“ Yes that’s right,” she told him, her eyes drifting towards Sara who offered her a small smile before she noticed Grissom squirming beside her.
She clutched his hand tightly against hers, causing him to look in her direction “ Honey why don’t you go and bring the car around. This shouldn’t take too long.”
Grissom stared open mouthed at her for a few seconds before he realized what she had said. Shaking himself mentally, he smiled down towards her, enjoying this new charade they were posing. Leaning down he kissed her lips soundly, delighted by the soft intake of breath she drew in before he pulled away.
They gazed into each other’s eyes for a few seconds before he offered her a sly smile “ Ok.”
Both women watched as he turned to walk away from them before turning to eye each other warily. Cindy pulled out the forms and thrust them in her direction “ Here you go, there’s some information booklets too for you to take home and read. If you feel any nausea or dizziness you need to come straight back.”
“ Yes Doctor Lees made me agree to that before he released me,” Sara smiled widely, her relief to be at last going home shining through as she reached over for the forms.
She couldn’t wait to get home and sink into a nice hot bath. She knew returning to reality was going to be the hardest obstacle before her, but these last hours had been a huge bridge to mend the rift between her and Grissom.
As she thought of him her heart started to flutter inside her, his image causing more heat to rise inside her body that she had ever known before. Shaking herself, she knew she had to get a grip on her emotions. If she knew Grissom, he’d turn tail and run from her again when they stepped back into the reality of the real world. So she had memorized every minute detail of every touch, every kiss. He had shared a small part of himself with her while she was here and that would sustain her for an eternity.
“ Hey,” his voice broke through her thoughts and she turned to him, her eyes meeting his to search his blue depths for anything that conveyed his feelings.
“ Hey,” she smiled, her eyes dropping from his as she realized that no amount of memorizing eternity could ever make up for the real thing. She was lost in him, and it was time to face the fact that these last few heavenly hours would soon be over.
“ You ready to go?” he asked softly, grasping her hand reassuringly as she returned the forms to the nurse to nod her head. She smiled a goodbye to Cindy, and followed him outside into daylight.
The drive back to Sara’s apartment had been made in a comfortable silence, neither wanting to speak for fear of breaking the spell between them.
Sara sneaked a few peeks at him as he drove, her eyes memorizing his face to save for later reference when she was once again alone. The last few hours had been enlightening to say the least, opening her heart and her mind to unspoken possibilities that craved attention inside her. She knew that he would soon walk away from her again and push her far behind him, but for now, she relished the memory of what might have been if he had chosen to let it happen.
“ You’re quiet,” he spoke softly as he chanced a look at her before returning his eyes towards the road.
“ I was just thinking,” she smiled as she banished the images of her imaginary happy life from her mind, “ I’ll call Nicky when I get home, maybe he’ll want to come keep me company or something.”
Grissom gulped visibly with her words, her voice breaking through his fire to bury the embers into the dark recesses of his heart.
“ Don’t you want me to stay with you?” he asked quietly as he gripped the steering wheel tighter with both hands.
“ Uh,” she stuttered, turning towards him with questioning eyes “ I didn’t think you would want to, I, do you want to stay with me?”
“ Do you want me to stay?”
“ This isn’t about what I want,” she told him, slight anger returning to her voice “ if it was that simple I’d be living happily ever after by now.” Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes to compose herself before she spoke again “ I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“ No you’re right,” he nodded his eyes firmly kept on the road “ I deserved that. I would like to stay with you for a while,” he told her as he pulled the car to a stop outside her apartment before turning to her “ that’s if you want me.”
Sara gasped with his sudden words, how many long sleepless hours had she wished for those words from his lips, how many dreams had he filled with those words. Taking a deep breath she turned towards him, bringing her raging heart under control “ I want you,” she whispered as she focused on his lips before returning to his eyes. The fear she saw flashing inside his depths caused her to pull herself back to her senses before she added “ To stay I mean,” she corrected “ I want you to stay.”
Grissom nodded numbly. He knew what she had meant because he felt the same deep burning raging inside him. It was time to stop hurting her and causing her so much heartache. Reaching out wordlessly, he closed his fingers over her hands, warming her with his touch as he smiled into her eyes “ Then you have me.”
Before she had time to reply, he released her hand and reached for the handle to pop open the Tahoe door to climb out.
Sara was stunned into numbness for a few seconds before she regained control of her senses. Pushing open the door, she climbed out just before he reached for her, pulling her forward until she stood firmly on the ground before him.
Their eyes drew together and held for a moment before Sara offered him a small smile “ You sure you wanna stay?” she started, her smile growing wider as she spoke “ I mean do you really know what you’re letting yourself in for?”
“ Well whatever it is I’m sure I will be enlightened,” he grinned as he held onto her arm to walk towards her door.
Sara pushed the front door open and stepped over the threshold, holding back a few seconds to turn towards him “ Um, I didn’t have time to clear the mess, uh, so ignore it ok?”
“ Sara,” he sighed, “ I’m not here to look over your apartment, I’m here to be here for you.” He stepped closer to her and wrapped his hand around hers to bring her fingers to his lips “ How about we just get you inside hmm?”
Sara felt her knees start to grow weak beneath her as his lips touched her skin, and no amount of berating herself helped any more.
“ Ok,” she nodded, finding her voice while she kept hold of his hand, pulling him inside her apartment with her.
Grissom willingly followed, her touch enticing him further into the room as he found himself unable to break the contact with her. She moved him over towards her couch, indicating him to sit while she made them both coffee.
“ No,” he told her firmly, stopping her in her tracks to look questioningly into his eyes. He looked around beside him and placed her bag onto the floor before taking hold of her other hand.
“ What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly, her voice catching in her throat as she spoke “, I thought you would want some coffee?”
His eyes left hers briefly to give her a gentle push backwards, until she was sitting on her couch “ I’m here to take care of you,” he told her as he knelt down in front of her knees “ let me do this for you Sara?”
His words opened her heart, the floodgates of love widening to crumble her protective barriers to all but wash them away. She let her eyes roam his face, his beautiful eyes flooding her senses to pull her in closer towards him. She wanted to tell him everything, to let him heal her heart, but she couldn’t find the right words to say, so she did the one thing that she had wanted to do for such a long time. Leaning in closer, she moved one of her hands to his face, cupping his cheek lovingly as she had done so long ago when she had rubbed chalk from his face.
Her touch enticed him, urging him to lean into her hand as his eyes fluttered closed. This woman had caused havoc in his life as well as in his heart, her chaos disrupting his well organized world, but now, here with her, he welcomed the intrusion, embracing it with everything he possessed. As he opened his eyes, he melted his gaze into hers, finding all the answers he thought would be lost forever.
“ Stay with me?” she whispered, her soft voice speaking volumes to his heart as he clasped her hand tighter. He knew she held him to ransom, her control over his life a welcoming prison that kept him chained to her willingly. Moving slightly, he came to sit next to her on the couch, his fingers entwining hers.
“ You know I will,” he smiled, his tender voice warming her cold heart, chasing the darkness to replace it with his light. He shifted back slightly, allowing her to lean her good shoulder into him as he encased her in his arms, his soft whispers causing her heart to flutter inside her as she relished his warmth.
“ We should let Nick know I’m home,” she told him softly, her muffled words buried into his chest “ he’ll be worried.”
The mention of Nick’s name caused something deep to stir inside his chest as he held her tighter. He knew Nick had helped her through some of her worst times, but a part of him couldn’t escape the jealousy rising inside his heart “ When did you two become so close?” he asked softly, hoping that he had managed to keep the dripping ice from his voice.
Sara could hear his heart inside his chest, his steady rhythm lulling her into protectiveness “ He’s been my rock,” she told him as her arm inadvertently pulled him closer “ I would have gone mad without him.”
Grissom’s eyes closed as she spoke, his heart aching with something he couldn’t quite describe. He moved a hand to her hair, threading his fingers through to hold her closer, as he tried to push the damage he had caused to the back of his mind “ I’m sorry Sara,” he whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke “ I don’t have a good reason for why I treated you so badly, I don’t know how to make things right, but I…” his voice drifted off as he fought to find the right words, but she moved against his chest to place a finger to his lips.
“ If we are going to get passed this,” she whispered, her own voice fighting for control as she spoke “ we are going to have to learn to trust each other again.”
Grissom’s hand came up to hers, wrapping his hands around her fingers to clasp both against his chest “ How long will it be until you trust me again?”
“ I don’t know Griss,” she whispered sadly “, we are just going to have to take one step at a time, and try to resolve this thing between us.”
“ I need to know something,” he whispered, his eyes closing as he remembered her words from not so long ago when she had asked him to dinner “ am I too late?”
His question caused her to gasp for breath and bring a sheen of tears to her eyes. She loved him so much, his pain becoming hers. Leaning closer, she smiled up into his eyes “ How can you be too late when I can’t seem to let you go?”
“ I want to try,” he told her, her words causing his heart to ache “ I want to see what happens.”
“ Then for once Griss,” she whispered, her fingers reaching up to his face as she spoke “ be honest with me?”
“ Anything you want,” he nodded “ ask me anything.”
“ What if you can’t answer?”
“ Just ask me,” he smiled, determined to push another barrier away from her heart. He watched the uncertainty cross her eyes, her fear reaching out to his. Moving his hand, he clasped hers reassuringly, urging her foreword.
“ Ok,” she nodded, her heart thudding inside her chest “ do you…” she took a breath and started again “ will you ever be able to love me?”
She let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, her boldness scaring her as she waited for his answer, her whole body shaking with worry.
His eyes closed for a moment, and for a second she prepared herself for his rejection, but it never came. When he remained silent, she opened her eyes to see tears rolling down his cheeks.
“ Oh god I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice choking her throat as she tried to pull away from his arms “ please let me go.”
Grissom opened his eyes, her near panic causing his heart to ache as he reached for her again to pull her into his chest “ Yes,” he whispered into her hair, chasing their pain away with his words “ Yes I will, I do.”
Sara’s heart almost exploded inside her chest as she heard his soft admission, his honesty impaling her soul, bringing together the shattered pieces.
“ You do?’ she asked shakily, wishing that she had heard right the first time and this wasn’t all a dream.
He smiled into her hair, kissing her soft strands as he spoke “ I do, I have for a very long time. I’m not afraid to let myself believe anymore.”
“ Oh god,” she gasped, her eyes flooding with tears as she melted in his arms “ please tell me I’m not dreaming?”
The soft chuckle emerged from his chest to rumble into her ear that was pressed against him “, honey if we’re caught in this same dream then I think we’re both in trouble.”
Sara smiled into his chest, at last feeling the darkness of the past few months slowly easing away to replace her insecurities with the man beside her.
“ If I close my eyes will you be here when I wake up?” she asked softly, kissing his chest as she felt a wave of tiredness wash over her.
“ For as long as you want me,” he told her, his voice muffled into her hair. He couldn’t seem to stop kissing her, as if his newfound knowledge gave him the power to overcome everything that he had once feared so long ago. She had managed to take away his pain and ease the deep-set burn from his heart, to give him the strength and the hope to continue.
“ Then you’ll have to stay forever,” she whispered softly, her arms roaming his chest as sleep overcame her to ease her into its gentle embrace.
Looking down into her sleeping face, Grissom smiled as he settled himself deeper into her couch, taking her with him until he held her firmly to his body. Closing his eyes, he let himself drift into endless possibilities. Every scenario including the woman in his arms, resting in sleep, her deep breathing lulling him into dreams. He had found his heaven, his piece of eternity that he had denied himself and her for so long, his heaven now having a name…Sara Sidle.